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Is sobriety harder if you can't seem to like yourself?

Old 05-14-2016, 06:26 AM
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Is sobriety harder if you can't seem to like yourself?

It is about 18 months since I stopped drinking. 6 months ago I did go on a holiday where I had alcohol every night. No more until earlier this week when I had a mouthful of raspberry mojito. I was at a work party. I knew lots of people there, but I felt like the most stupid, boring, fat, ugly inadequate failure in the world. This feeling did not start at the party. It's pretty much been ongoing throughout my life, despite a lot of therapy and it is very strong at the moment.
For a moment, I wanted to not feel these things. I wanted to feel that false confidence a drink can give you, so I could sparkle with everyone else. And then I just wanted to feel nothing. So I grabbed a cocktail had a quick sip, and headed out to the balcony. For a moment there was relief in surrender, and also looking back, I think there was rebellion, against who or what I cannot say.
Luckily, some semblance of brain remained in my head. I felt horrified and ashamed, and the drink suddenly felt like a grenade in my hand, so I quickly grabbed a friend and asked him to take it away from me. The moment passed. I took some time out in the corridor, some deep breaths, talked to a friend who calmed me down from the ledge. Went nowhere near alcohol for the rest of the evening.
It just seems impossible to feel I'm worth saving at the moment. I'm tired and unhappy and feel pretty pointless. I am starting to see a new therapist next week, - due to circumstances it has been 4 months since regular therapy, so maybe that has contributed to this downward slide. I
do feel hopeful that he might help me help myself through this bad patch. Otherwise, it seems to me, if I can't see I'm worth taking care of, I'm eventually going to just stop bothering.
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Old 05-14-2016, 06:45 AM
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In a word...yes. not liking yourself makes it harder to cope w life.

No dr. Advice here...out of my league...keep going.

I offer that for me...we all struggle..we all feel less than awesome...

My technique is that I believe in myself. I tell myself over and over...I am awesome.

If someone thinks I am a troll or whatever...they don't matter to me.

Their perception is not my reality.

Sounds like you are not physically addicted to booze. That is amazing.

Mentally, it is a learned behavior...but we here know...booze for stress relief is a short term solution that creates a long term problem. It is not the answer.

Take care of yourself. Count your blessings. It could be so much worse.

Remember, SR is here for you 24/7.

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Old 05-14-2016, 06:58 AM
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Yes, just about everything in life is more difficult if we aren't mentally healthy. I think you many have answered your own question actually at the end of your post ( stopping therapy ), I hope the new therapist relationship works out well for you!
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Old 05-14-2016, 07:22 AM
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Just wanted to tell you I understand and I relate. Big hugs. You are not alone in feeling this way.
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Old 05-14-2016, 07:36 AM
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I have thought for years that I hate myself. But lately I find myself hating the things I have done, not done, or have said that have hurt me or impacted others. I don't hate me as a person. Hope that makes sense.
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Old 05-14-2016, 07:54 AM
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Hi SoberFreckles, you are not alone. I think that if we can we'll invent any reason or excuse to drink. Low self esteem is a great assist in getting us back to picking up. It's a vicious circle, we feel the way we do because it justifies why we drink. Then we pick up and the circle continues.

You said that you haven't been to therapy in 4 months. If you're not doing anything for yourself then you're sitting in your own you know what. A surefire path back to destruction.

Although the reason I relapsed after 17 months of sobriety was ME what contributed to it was my failure to move forward doing things that were helpful in keeping me sober. As long as I was working on my goals I was ok.

Happy that you're going back to therapy. Hang in there.
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Old 05-14-2016, 09:16 AM
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I think I posed the stupidest question ever! Thanks for the supportive words. I don't do nearly enough things to help myself and am just trying to ignore the facts, blundering around, making things harder for myself.
I stopped therapy cos I got a new job 2 hours away and I have been so focused on my new job, and so exhausted by the commute, I have let self care slide dramatically, leading me to this point, and nearly plunging back into alcohol. When I used to do this commute, drinking became my de facto way of coping with everything, so I now need to take this wake-up call and do something positive.
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Old 05-14-2016, 09:36 AM
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I drank for 40 years, then struggled for a long time trying to 'moderate, then really trying to get Free & Sober. It was face-in-the-asphalt, gut-wrenching, white-knuckling, Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization struggling.

I got to the place inside where I saw all the Self-Will-Run-Riot, the gross and subtle manipulations that was so much a part of my behavior, the Self Pity and the Self Justification, etc ... ad-nauseum.

I got to where I LOATHED myself, and could not get Free & Sober. It wasn't until I did my 4th & 5th Step that I started to get FREE, and by continuing to Work the Steps, I am now comfortable with myself and others, and I have a sense of self-worth ... I actually feel like a decent representation of Humanity now, and that is a MIRACLE of the Program.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2 ...
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Old 05-14-2016, 09:48 AM
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Oh geez SF....I know how you feel. Self hatred, low self esteem, body image problems, self worth issues, low confidence. You name it, I understand it. One of things I told myself this go around (only sober 11 days this time) is that I'm going to be easier on me and harder on my addiction.

For me, my addiction loves it when I'm beating myself up. When I'm playing all those negative tapes in my head that were pretty much developed in childhood and then solidified by my addiction. I drink to feel better, but then I do things and act in ways that make me feel bad, so ultimately I feel worse and worse and worse.

I have decided to give my addiction the bird and intentionally change my thinking. When a negative, self pitying, self defeating though enters my head I change the tape, change what I'm doing. My addiction absolutely wants me to hate me. I too have had years of therapy. I simply must get over it if I'm to survive. Happiness is a choice....for me it just doesn't happen naturally.

And amazing you put the drink down. Good on ya. If that were me....I'd still be drunk. You should be very pleased with yourself.
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Old 05-14-2016, 10:09 AM
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Just a thought SF, but if you have a long commute you might want to consider subscribing to some podcasts related to your issues. I've got about 25 minutes each direction and have been listening to a couple different anxiety podcasts and it has really been helpful.
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Old 05-14-2016, 01:33 PM
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I think sobriety is much harder if you don't like yourself.
I haven't liked myself all my life, I always felt not good enough. But as i've matured, i've started to love myself, and forgive myself, and tell myself i'm deserving of good things just as others are.

Not liking myself (or pitying myself) gave me an excuse to drink. I thought of myself as boring and awkward too...and that also gave me an excuse to drink at social functions.

Maybe think outside of yourself. If you were your own best friend, how would you treat yourself?
That's what I do sometimes. It helps me.
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Old 05-14-2016, 01:43 PM
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I think most of us have felt that way one time or another during our addictions or early recovery.

Self care is the most important thing in our lives, if we aren't strong and stable mentally and physically then nothing will fall into place or feel right.

I think starting up counseling again will be a huge help, I continue to go to therapy regularly even though things have been going good for awhile now because I feel like it keeps me grounded and I always have an un-biased view and input on things that occur in my life and actions I take. Have you considered having a full psychological evaluation done? You might have depression that counseling alone cannot combat. I know getting on the medicines and finding the right dosages for those medicines allow me to function properly and be the best person that I can personally be.

I know I always feel better about myself when I am connected with family and my few select friends (I really got rid of everyone and only have one or two friends). Also the better I eat and the better care I take of myself the better I feel overall. I make a point of showering, getting dressed nice, and doing my make up and hair everyday, even if I am not going out anywhere. I get ready just for me, it makes me feel good so I make sure to push myself to do it.

I hope things get better, I know it can be incredibly hard when we are feeling down on ourselves. Keep pushing forward, as long as you put the work in things will improve.
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Old 05-14-2016, 01:51 PM
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Yes, I think you do need to like yourself. I couldn't have continued poisoning my body if I had liked myself. I knew that in order to stop drinking, I was going to need to find some positive connection with myself.

I found that self-care is crucial and balance is the basis of my recovery. If my life becomes unbalanced, I feel it and I don't like it. I have to make time for myself. Believe that you are worth it. Louise Hay offers many helpful affirmations which are short and to the point and I use them when my anxiety increases. Somehow, when you tell yourself repeatedly that you are a lovable person, it begins to stick.
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Old 05-14-2016, 03:27 PM
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We all come in not liking ourselves.

Self loathing, low self image, and low self esteem are par for the course.

It takes time to develop self acceptance. I can only speak for 12 step recovery, but I think any lasting recovery is similar. We stop getting loaded, and stop hurting ourselves and those around us. Then we change a lot of other behaviors. We figure out who we want to be. We clean up our messes. We live life differently. Over time we learn to like ourselves because we have become likeable people.
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Old 05-14-2016, 03:34 PM
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SoberFreckles-Good job on having your friend throw that drink out! That says a lot right there.

In answer to your question, I'd have to say yes not liking yourself makes it tough, but as was already pointed out, whether you're sober or not, it's tough in all ways when you don't like yourself. But, drinking isn't likely gonna help you like yourself. Glad you've got therapy lined up. That should really help and make a difference.

You ARE worth saving. I hope that therapy will help you like yourself again and that is win - win because when you like yourself, I think you are less likely to drink and when you don't drink you are more likely to like yourself, so it's also a two-way street.

With help, you are probably gonna discover WHY it is you don't like yourself right now. There may even be underlying reasons you're not aware of or reasons you don't think you can do anything to resolve. But, you can work through those reasons and find some healing. I think healing brings back more self love.

Hang in there...
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Old 05-14-2016, 06:14 PM
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I had to fake it to make it for a little while.
I didn't think myself worthy of effort or of good things.

but I committed to acting like I did...and it worked...soon enough I wasn't acting - success breeds more success and more positive changes in the way you see yourself - trust me

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Old 05-14-2016, 06:21 PM
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There are things from my past I hate. There's also parts of me that I don't like very much. But one thing I've learned from years of drinking is those things never change. I stayed stuck being the same (miserable) drunk person.

I think the only way to get some self-acceptance is to stay sober. I hope so anyway.
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