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Old 05-13-2016, 11:54 PM
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Smile Hello

Hello everyone, hope you are doing well. I joined this forum because I have had a long history with "problematic drinking" which has led me into some very dangerous situations. I actually don't drink much any more, but when I do, I never know what the outcome will be! LOL

I'm 45, mother of 2 precious girls and do NOT want to jeapordize MY LIFE so I can go out and party a few times a year. I used to be a heavy partier back in the day, but since having them, I have pretty much quit. But I just recently separated from my husband and kind of went crazy more than a handful of times going out with friends. This last time was super dangerous as I ended up by myself at 4:00 am looking for a place to keep drinking. I never drink in front of my children, so that's not the problem. The problem is if/when I have plans, I'm scared to drink because I can't stop when I start.

Luckily, I've been keeping track of how many days "sober" I've been with an app (I think I'm at 40 days). But I thought maybe getting some support and advice would be helpful as there is a vacation coming up that is really stressing me out. I need to figure out a way for the drinking issue to be a non-issue. I will be with family that drinks, but I don't want to - yet I do! But I don't because, like I said, I never know what will happen. Since it's a "safe" environment with just close family - and not me out on the town, I'm more worried about just drinking in front of kids and being hungover the next day which is enough for me to NOT want to drink. But I KNOW I will be tempted!

Then, part of that time, I will be on my own at home while they are still on vacation and am worried I'm going to go out and go crazy while they're gone. I can just FEEL the itch and that's what scares me. I've been in EXTREMELY dangerous situations and DO NOT want to be in those situations ever again.

Anyway, hopefully I didn't write too much. I can be a bit wordy.

I think my #1 question for advice would be, is how to be in a social situation that involves drinking - and not drink? Mind you, I have done this before, but for some reason - have REALLY been feeling the itch lately! #2, be able to go out with friends that are drinking and not drink myself. Or just have a couple? Which I don't know that I can...

Thank you for reading this if you got this far! LOL And thank you in advance for any advice!
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Old 05-14-2016, 12:21 AM
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In early sobriety I needed to stay away from slippery places and slippery people. I also needed to not isolate or get lonely. Catch 22?? No. I needed to get some new sober friends, and start noticing (for the first time in 2 or 3 decades) my old friends and family who I'd rejected as boring / high-risk-of-being-judgemental-of-my-drinking. For years I'd carried around resentments about some of those people, along the lines of, they don't care enough about me to come and see me (ie come out drinking). I managed to lay those resentments to rest quite easily through my 12-step work in AA.

Is this a family holiday as in children and adults? Presumably the children won't be drinking? Stick with them, and any non-drinking adults. It won't be the same as the old drinking days, but then, if nothing changes you will find that nothing will change.

And as far as 'just having a couple', you already know the answer to that. You can't unpickle a cucumber. When your addictive voice pipes up with that old chestnut, I'd suggest a huge guffaw accompanied with "Yeah, nice one dummy!"

At the moment it sounds like you are working on Not Drinking. (Sorry if I'm wrong about this. I didn't look at any other posts from you, just this one, so may be missing something). If so, it is quite possibly time to start working on your Recovery, and learn about Living Sober. (There is an excellent little book entitled Living Sober, which I'd highly recommend, published by AA and available from Amazon either as a paper back or digital book). Once you have got more recovery and time under your belt, then you will become more comfortable when out with people who are drinking. Although, it must be said, an hour or so in their company is quite enough for me if they're drinking like I used to. I'm sure I was equally self-obsessed and repetitive so it's not a massive criticism. I'd just prefer to not listen to their BS when I'm sober. Thank goodness for the sober friends I've made (mostly other alcoholics in recovery, who understand my experiences and thinking ).

I'd seriously have a hard think about how much you want to get comfortable in sobriety, and consider how important this family break is, in the big scheme of things if there are no other non-drinking adult family members going.
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Old 05-14-2016, 12:29 AM
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The most helpful thing for me in the early days was realising I could never have just a few and embraced abstinence instead.

What is it that you are giving up: a chemical delusion that causes pain and problems.

Give yourself time to strengthen your sober muscles before you throw yourself into drinking situations.

Best of luck on your journey. You will find lots of support here!

B
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Old 05-14-2016, 12:36 AM
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Welcome to Sr, dangerDrinking! I'm glad you have joined us here.
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Old 05-14-2016, 03:39 AM
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Hi & Welcome dangerDrinking
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Old 05-14-2016, 03:42 AM
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welcome aboard and congratulations on 40 days sober and wanting to shed yourself of the problems alcohol can bring to those of us who suffer from it's woes.

this is a great place to get support, experience, strength and hope.

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Old 05-14-2016, 03:59 AM
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First, welcome! You've come to an incredible place for support in what you're trying to do.

Come here often and post. This board has been my saving grace many times. In fact, if I had never walked away and thought I was safe to do it on my own I wouldn't have lost 17 months of sobriety.

You're in the right place, you can do this!
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Old 05-14-2016, 04:07 AM
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Welcome and great job on 40 days.

You are physically free. Mentally, you are in a fight for your life.

I can't offer advice on stopping drinking out of will power alone.

I was like you for many years. I drank like a fish sometimes. Staying out all night drinking, looking for another place to drink. Youngish and foolish.

Sometimes, i didn't drink at all, or stopped after 1, or sometimes I drank a bottle of vodka. It usually depended on what was going on the next day etc.

I don't recall how hard I drank before the age of 38. But, at 38 I retired from the military and decided...I was going to party like a rock star.

By, 50..I had developed alcohol induced physical and mental issues.

I went to the ER once, but didn't quit. Finally, I nearly collapsed and crashed my car because of a hypoglycemia issue after a hard workout.

I drank that night, got in a huge fight w my wife. I quit the next day. I was in a mental and physical alcoholic death spiral.

It took the health scare to get me to quit. I am drug free, and suffer from mild to moderate anxiety. I believe in God and that helps me get through.

So, take what you can from my testimony. Part of my recovery is trying to help others that are seeking advice.

AA is a great place for f2f support. Went to a meeting yest. Turned in my 5 month chip and got the 1 year. Haven't been in 7 months. If you are looking for sober friends, AA is a great start. I don't like the sponsor stories I hear about, but I can see the value.

That is enough for now.

Thanks for the post.
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Old 05-14-2016, 05:05 AM
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Control

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30

To answer your questions:

Sobriety is about a new life not about trying to make our old life work without alcohol . For the most part I avoid drinking situations and in early sobriety I eliminated them. I find people that are drinking to be boring and obnoxious so why would I want to be there.

I now have a large group of social friends that either don't drink or are very lite drinkers.

Sobriety is more about changing people, places, and things than it is about not drinking
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Old 05-14-2016, 05:14 AM
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Welcome!

Your drinking sounds a bit like mine. I don't drink often, but when I do? Watch out. And my drinking, in this bender kind of fashion, has gotten worse and worse. Benders are longer and more frequent. I don't go out, just drink at home, by myself (or I go out sometimes but don't get too out of control) and manage quite nicely to endanger myself...just sitting at home.

I guess the question is, are you an alcoholic? If you are, moderation and control over your drinking are not likely. And the condition is progressive...basically it gets worse.

The only way to not drink is to not drink. Then work on absolute acceptance that you can never drink again. Look how much energy and anxiety you are putting into 'controlling' your drinking for this vacation. Think how much easier it would be if the vacation were simply about being with friends and family. Focusing on the event and the people, not on yourself and drinking? It really is liberating.

If you don't drink the first drink, you don't have to get drunk.
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Old 05-14-2016, 07:57 AM
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Really really think through the details of the dangerous situations your binge drinking led to.
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Old 05-14-2016, 08:22 AM
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I was a binge drinker myself. I convinced myself for a long time that I didn't have a problem because I didn't need to drink everyday. I could go a work week without touching a drop. However once I touch that first sip... it is on. Like a snowball rolling downhill just getting bigger and more out of control.

You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. It took me a long time to learn that. Denial gives you the illusion of control. At least it did for me.

After years of repeating the same mistakes, I realize that I can't drink. I can't be a social drinker. I can't be around a lot of people drinking. Eventually things fall apart and get worse.

I used to ponder endlessly about why. Why am I this way? Why can't I be like "everyone else" and have a few drinks and be done? Eventually I just got to the point of acceptance. If I drink, I risk my career, family and even my life.
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Old 05-14-2016, 10:58 AM
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@Berrybean

Trying to figure out how to reply...did the quote thing below
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:00 AM
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Time to decide

Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
In early sobriety I needed to stay away from slippery places and slippery people. I also needed to not isolate or get lonely. Catch 22?? No. I needed to get some new sober friends, and start noticing (for the first time in 2 or 3 decades) my old friends and family who I'd rejected as boring / high-risk-of-being-judgemental-of-my-drinking. For years I'd carried around resentments about some of those people, along the lines of, they don't care enough about me to come and see me (ie come out drinking). I managed to lay those resentments to rest quite easily through my 12-step work in AA.

Is this a family holiday as in children and adults? Presumably the children won't be drinking? Stick with them, and any non-drinking adults. It won't be the same as the old drinking days, but then, if nothing changes you will find that nothing will change.

And as far as 'just having a couple', you already know the answer to that. You can't unpickle a cucumber. When your addictive voice pipes up with that old chestnut, I'd suggest a huge guffaw accompanied with "Yeah, nice one dummy!"

At the moment it sounds like you are working on Not Drinking. (Sorry if I'm wrong about this. I didn't look at any other posts from you, just this one, so may be missing something). If so, it is quite possibly time to start working on your Recovery, and learn about Living Sober. (There is an excellent little book entitled Living Sober, which I'd highly recommend, published by AA and available from Amazon either as a paper back or digital book). Once you have got more recovery and time under your belt, then you will become more comfortable when out with people who are drinking. Although, it must be said, an hour or so in their company is quite enough for me if they're drinking like I used to. I'm sure I was equally self-obsessed and repetitive so it's not a massive criticism. I'd just prefer to not listen to their BS when I'm sober. Thank goodness for the sober friends I've made (mostly other alcoholics in recovery, who understand my experiences and thinking ).

I'd seriously have a hard think about how much you want to get comfortable in sobriety, and consider how important this family break is, in the big scheme of things if there are no other non-drinking adult family members going.
1st, thank you so much for your response. I'm really touched with the outpouring of support from this community and believe this could mark a turning point in my life. Another one! I say another one, because I have been down this road before. I HAVE been through several phases in my life where I would quit or try and cut back (always socially), and/or not drink socially. So yes, I am withya regarding staying away from drinking situations. This is a situation that I can't really avoid is the problem because it is my kids' grandparents and dad. It's not like they're falling down drunk type, but they drink every night! "Happy Hour", upscale, by the pool type. Even though it's not falling down drinking type drinking, it makes me uncomfortable to not BE THERE soberly for the kids. I used to be able to be around them all and not drink with no problem! But I think with my new situation of being separated, the anxiety and fear of me and my kids' future is resulting in more drinking related anxiety. (I apologize if I'm all over the place.)

Yes, it is with my 2 daughters 6 & 9 years of age. And there are only 3 other adults (my exH parents and him) - and all 3 of them will be drinking. Before the separation, he didn't drink, so it was easier. Since we got separated though, he has gone back to it, which is one reason it's become more of an issue as well.

Yeah right! Just 2 - ha! That happens once in a blue moon. It's like playing Russian Roulette. You never know! So, right, having just a couple is BS.

Yeah, I really think the more I think about it. I need to commit one way or the other. The more I'm on this forum, I believe the more I will feel 100% on abstinence. I think in my gut, that is why I came here! And I will definitely check out that book!

You're right, I have to really think about this & make a clear decision. Thank you so much again for your response.
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:08 AM
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Time to decide

Originally Posted by Behan View Post
The most helpful thing for me in the early days was realising I could never have just a few and embraced abstinence instead.

What is it that you are giving up: a chemical delusion that causes pain and problems.

Give yourself time to strengthen your sober muscles before you throw yourself into drinking situations.

Best of luck on your journey. You will find lots of support here!

B
Right, having been down this road before, I DID make a clear decision instead of trying to figure out if I could drink moderately or not. Then it got all muddied again when I started having a few here a few there socially. I think I really need figure this out before the vacation. The problem is, is that I CAN and do still have fun 50% of the time when I do drink. It's the other 50% that cause the pain and problems. I so WISH I had a good amount of sober time under my belt and this family vacation wasn't coming up! I'm just going to have to decide what to do. I feel like this forum will be super helpful in making that decision.

Thank you so very much for your response!!!
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:12 AM
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Thank you!

Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus View Post
Welcome to Sr, dangerDrinking! I'm glad you have joined us here.

I realized I could probably go on drinking like this for maybe two or three more years, or live for another two or three decades...but not both. Suddenly the choice became crystal clear.
Thank you so much!!!

Good point. So awesome you made that decision. So commendable. And right, you can't have both!
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:33 AM
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Smile Thank you!

Originally Posted by emme99 View Post
Hi & Welcome dangerDrinking
Thank you Emme!!!
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:34 AM
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Thank you!

Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
welcome aboard and congratulations on 40 days sober and wanting to shed yourself of the problems alcohol can bring to those of us who suffer from it's woes.

this is a great place to get support, experience, strength and hope.

Thank you FreeOwl!!!
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527 View Post
First, welcome! You've come to an incredible place for support in what you're trying to do.

Come here often and post. This board has been my saving grace many times. In fact, if I had never walked away and thought I was safe to do it on my own I wouldn't have lost 17 months of sobriety.

You're in the right place, you can do this!
Thank you so much LadyBlue!!! Congratulations on 17 months!!! That is so awesome!!!
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:43 AM
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Will have to come back later to respond to everyone else! Just want to thank you all so much for the outpouring of support and advice. It truly helps and will definitely guide me in the right direction the more I'm on here. I wish it didn't have to be black and white, but I think at this point in my life, the fact that I came here is pointing me in the direction of abstinence. And I've done it before, so it's nothing new. Just going to take more effort this time!
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