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He confessed...

Old 05-13-2016, 08:28 PM
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He confessed...

My partner recently confessed his addiction to me. We've had an amazing relationship that really some would call almost fairy tale but it lacked one item....intimacy.

Last week he confessed that all his lies about his ED were due to his drug use. I was blindsided. I never had any clue this was going on during our relationship.

I feel betrayed. Since day 1 he knew this was what was causing his ED and gave me story after story. Now at my wit's end I'm faced with what road to take. It could be years before he has sexual desire again and I don't know if I could wait.

I am trying to create a mood hoping he will bite. But he never does. At what point am I being more hurtful than helpful? I'd love to connect with someone who may be going through the same thing. Until then I'm lying in my lingerie while he continues to ignore my desires.
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Old 05-13-2016, 09:00 PM
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Can you clarify if he is going to seek help and get serious about getting clean? That's the important question at this point IMO.
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Old 05-13-2016, 10:03 PM
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Hi and welcome Rizzo

I'm assuming your partner wants to be clean and is working towards that?

It seems like the major issue for you is the lack of intimacy.
Have you two considered couples counselling?

D
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Old 05-13-2016, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Rizzo72 View Post
Until then I'm lying in my lingerie while he continues to ignore my desires.
I'm sorry but you sound VERY selfish. You know what caused his ED. He knows it too and I'm sure it's devastating to him. Beyond anything you can imagine. This is an ongoing problem with him and won't be fixed "today". But can be fixed way sooner than "years". Lying in your lingerie knowing he has ED is only hurting him believe it or not. He cannot fix this "issue" just by seeing you in a sexy outfit. Help him, don't hurt him. Which is what you're doing now.

IF it is a fairy tale relationship like you said without the sex, imagine how better it will be WITH the sex.

Obviously the addiction needs to be the first issue. Then get him to a doctor for a testosterone test, heart test and blood flow test. A full checkup. Then go from there.
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Old 05-14-2016, 12:37 AM
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I read some wise person on here once who wrote "You can't patch a problem with a person ". I'd add, 'not even one in lingerie '.

I don't think you sound selfish. You're just following every bit of advise that is written in a women's magazine and passed from generation of women to women for years. But that advice is kind of misinformed really, especially (but not only) where addiction is concerned.

Not only is it not going to work, it's likely to make you feel even more resentful and him feel even more inadequate.

Like someone else asked. Is he working on getting clean and on some form of recovery. If not ut would suggest that he is intending to continue as he is doing. And you might want to consider what the implications of this are for you and this relationship long term. His addiction will end up affecting a darn site more than your sex life if he continues.
We have a great friends and family area on this site, and it might be worth doubling this thread up by putting it there as well.
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Old 05-14-2016, 06:26 AM
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Hey y'all,

Thanks and I think I needed to provide more details. My apologies....

We've been together several years now. Apparently he used at the beginning of our relationship but our relationship was his motivation to stop.

For years I've been in the dark about what his struggle with ED was. Every few months he would tell me he saw a doctor but would never let me participate. It's not until now when he was going through another round of tests that he finally gave me the truth.

I can imagine the pain of holding on to a secret for that long. He thought I'd leave. I'm not. I'm aware it doesn't happen overnight but it was his decision to leave me in the dark all these years so after so long you can imagine I'm hurt.

He's clean. Has been for some time. He went through it with me thinking he had the flu. I had no idea. Again that was years ago. Our relationship is deeper than a sexual one or I wouldn't have stayed....obviously.
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Old 05-14-2016, 07:32 AM
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I'd love to connect with someone who may be going through the same thing. Until then I'm lying in my lingerie while he continues to ignore my desires.

There is a "friends and family of alcoholics" section of the site, and plenty of significant others/loved ones of those in addiction with whom you can talk. I genuinely hope this was your true intention in creating the original post.
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Old 05-14-2016, 08:08 AM
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ED happens with men its a fact.. The blue pill is not addictive, tell him to get some when he gets a physical!!
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Old 05-14-2016, 08:10 PM
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If I put myself into your place, I would probably feel rejection? Is that how you might be taking it? Understandable, and I don't think you're being selfish. If you were really selfish, you would just leave him without any chance to get some help for his ED. But, beings you want to stick with him and work this out, as you say, there is more depth to your relationship than sex.

I am wondering what feels more like a betrayal to you? His addiction, or his ED? Both, perhaps?

Personally, I don't believe in 'fairy tale' romances/relationships. I don't think that's pessimism; I think it's reality. There most always something going on with people and between people that make so it's not a fairy tale, but facing what you're really dealing with and deciding what you'll do to resolve it. To some people, this may not seem very hard, while to others it's a difficult task that takes lots of work. I guess it depends on your experience. And, maybe it also depends on whether or not you think it can be resolved or whether or not there is a viable answer.
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