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For the first time in my life

Old 05-13-2016, 03:13 PM
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For the first time in my life

For the first time in my life I am "playing by the rules". For 2 years my boyfriend, now fiancé, had several warrants out and I decided that it was worth it to run from the cops with him. For two years I went to bed worried someone would knock on the door, having to run from the cops when they would try to pull us over because they knew our car- they would even put out a helicopter out to try to find us, and basically we had to live looking over our shoulders. Phones on silent so no one can hear them ring, tip toeing around the apartment, always worried always waiting for everything to hit the fan.

He has been in prison for 10 months and for these last 10 months I have been working on my sobriety and recovery. No more stealing money, no more running, no more hiding. Everything I have ever done is out in the open and my family has forgiven me and embraced me with open arms. My fiancé is taking college courses in prison and has gotten every certificate he can and is learning a trade on top of it all. It felt so strange at first to see a cop on the road and not panic, to hear the door bell ring and worry that there aren't sheets over the window's to hide the light, to let my phone ring and not worry if someone heard it.

I now have a type of peace I haven't truly known since I was 14, before I ever got into drugs. For the first time in 10 years I don't have anything to hide, I am playing by the rules my life is an open book. It feels so good to be free from worry, deception, drama, and stress. I have very happily changed my phone number and deleted my contacts. I want no connection with my old self. For the first time in a long time I don't need to lie, steal, and hide and it feels so free.

I have been working on loving my self, regaining my self respect, and now am finally enjoying life.

I never thought I would be one of those people who said life is so much better sober and living by all the rules. I thought heroin was the best invention ever made and now I finally know better. I am so grateful my family has never once faltered in their support of me and my recovery, I am so blessed that I sometimes wonder what I did to ever deserve such kindless and love.

If you are newly sober and wondering if sobriety is worth it please give it a shot I know you won't regret it. Yes it is a lot of hard work, yes it is the biggest fight of your life, and yes you can never stop working on yourself but the rewards are endless. Counseling has helped me find my true self, and I continue to go because there is always something to work on.

Addiction does not have to rule your life. Reach out, find doctors that specialize in addiction, get a psychological evaluation from a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction- a lot of drug addicts and alcoholics have undiagnosed mental illnesses. Getting diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder and getting on the proper medications was a huge tool is finding true recovery. Put yourself first and fight fight fight. I would have walked through a flood, snow storm, tornado..you name it to get heroin, well now I will walk through anything to continue to live this new amazing life I have created.

Never stop fighting for yourself, you are worth it! If you give up on yourself then you can't expect anyone else to believe in you. You need to be your biggest cheerleader and supporter and the rest will follow.

I can't believe that for once I don't need to fear police, I don't have to hide anything, I don't have secret spots in my room to hide my demons. I AM FINALLY FREE and I am NEVER going back.
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Old 05-13-2016, 04:33 PM
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I'm so happy for you and proud of you! You are taking the right steps.

My dad once told me a saying that he learned in childhood, "If one loses his way home, but eventually finds it, no one can call him lost." It sounds better in the language he spoke it in.

It just means it's never to late to change and have a better life!

Good luck!
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Old 05-13-2016, 05:33 PM
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It's great isn't it?
Congrats Adeline

D
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Old 05-13-2016, 06:44 PM
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That kind of stress must really wear you down. I can't imagine.
Glad you're turning your life around!
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Old 05-13-2016, 07:07 PM
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Adeline, you have been through so much for someone still so young. And you have a lot of wisdom that you share here. Thank you for that. Peace to you and all the best as you continue with your journey.
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Old 05-13-2016, 07:12 PM
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Para that is a really good saying. My grandparents only speak Italian so I know what you mean how sometimes in one language it sounds so perfect and then you translate and it loses some of the charm. It is still a great quote though and I actually wrote it in my journal so I can remember it

Dee yes it definitely is. My first knee jerk reaction was to reach out to my old "friends" and try to explain how amazing recovery is and then I remembered first I want nothing to do with them they weren't real friends and second that until a person is ready nothing you say will make a difference. I want to yell YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE but I wouldn't have listened before so I know they won't now.

FL yes the stress is insane so you use more because you are stressed but then you need more money and it goes on and on. Our biggest fear was the cops finding us before we could get a fix in us. We used to sleep with syringes full of heroin so that if the cops started banging on the door we could just stab it into our thigh and push it in before the door got broken down. (Thank god nothing that dramatic ever did occur, but it was always on our mind. An addict's worst nightmare is having money and getting arrested before you can do your shot and get well urgh I so don't miss that feeling)
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Old 05-13-2016, 07:34 PM
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It's wonderful that you are doing so well, I am very happy for you. Your post was inspirational Adeline, maybe someone in a similar situation will read it and be inspired to put in the hard work and reap the rewards like yourself. If only we could somehow MAKE others see what lies on the other side of addiction, and the pure freedom that sobriety brings!
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Old 05-13-2016, 08:13 PM
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Nice post Adeline
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Old 05-13-2016, 08:21 PM
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Wow, Adeline, good for you! That took courage and determination. Glad you posted, glad you're here.
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Old 05-13-2016, 09:40 PM
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from one Rose to another Rose

Your post is the perfect read to top off my Sober Friday night!!

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Old 05-14-2016, 05:12 AM
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Thank you all for your support! It means so much to me, I love SR it always pushes me to really do some introspection, to push my recovery forward, and to just overall strive to better myself.

I think God every day and night for my sobriety and for allowing me to find recovery at 25. God it terrifies me of the thought of what if I hadn't finally had enough and what if I was finding this out for the first time at 50, 60, 70, or never! I already feel like I wasted so much time, but so grateful for the life ahead! I swear once I got past my own fears of not being able to do drugs and how was I going to ever be happy or enjoy life again then it wasn't half as bad as my worst fears! Sure it wasn't easy, and at times I wanted to give up but I put in as many safe guards as possible this way if I did end up using I'd have to put a lot of work into it and that did the trick! For example I changed my phone number, deleted my contacts, deactivated my facebook but not before literally unfriending everyone and deleting everything I could, I changed locations so no one could just "stop by", I no longer have a car this way I can't go drive around looking for anything, and I basically cut everyone off no contact without a word. Sure, if I really wanted to use nothing would stop me, but I made it a lot harder then having a weak moment and picking up the phone and just having a number in there. Best decision I have ever made.
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Old 05-14-2016, 08:36 AM
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The first time I got sober I was 26 years old. I stayed happily sober (or so I thought) for 6 years and then I relapsed, long and hard, for 22 years.

I am now 57 years old and have been sober for 1 year and 4 1/2 months. No going back this time, I ain't got time for that!

I am heartened to read that you have chosen to take your life back at 25 years old!

Keep strong
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Old 05-14-2016, 01:17 PM
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Thank you!

Me and my fiancé are both the same amount of time sober, almost 10 months sober except he is currently in prison. I am getting myself as strong and secure as I possibly can be this way he comes out to a strong fiancé and not a drug addicted nut case.

I told him it is time to put this all behind us. I just turned 26 and he is 30. I want a family, a house, and a normal married life. If he comes out and isn't ready for that then I will have to walk away because I refuse to go backwards. I won't let this go any farther then it already has and therefore I refuse to let anyone jeopardize my sobriety, even if I love him more than I ever have anyone, NO ONE comes before my own well being, NO ONE.

I'm so happy you refound recovery. I know that if I ever went back I might never find the strength to pull myself back out of it. It gets so easy to say "Tomorrow will be my day 1" and then before you know it years and years have passed. Crazy how fast time moves while using and how slow it feels when you first get sober. I swear the first 2 weeks felt like 2 years. Luckily it no longer feels like that, but I am not risking going back. nope nope nope
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Old 05-14-2016, 01:36 PM
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AdelineRose, it sounds like you are doing well and are becoming the person you want to be. I hope your fiancé continues his recovery when he gets out of prison, but I'm glad to hear you say, you will remain sober, no matter what.
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Old 05-14-2016, 01:53 PM
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You are such a sober inspiration, thank you for this post.
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