bluebird418

So I was reading some threads, and as mothers day has just passed and with fathers day coming up, I was thinking to myself how to handle it. My DD has not seen her dad for more than 15 minutes in 6 months. He has made "illegal" attempts (and succeeded) a few times, nothing at all since February though. He isn't trying anymore, because he knows until we got back to court in 4 months he can't get his visitation back. He "forfeited" it, according to how our custody order is written. As of now I dont know if he is active in his addiction, but I would assume so. We havent spoken in over a year.
My boyfriend has been a father figure to her most of her life, since my xAH and I have not been together in nearly 3 years, and my DD is 3. He has made all the sacrifices a parent makes, staying home if shes sick, being up with her in the middle of the night if shes scared, wet the bed, sick etc. He doesnt even drink out of respect for my anxieties (even though hes never had a problem). He helped pay/throw her birthday party. He is ALWAYS there for her, no questions asked, no complaints. My DD loves him, but is aware he is not her dad. We have a different name for him. I think she is really confused about what a dad is right now because in her world daddys and mommys are supposed to be together. But regardless, she cares for him and he loves her as if she was his own.
I feel he should be celebrated for this. Outside of biologically, he is no different than being her dad or her parent. Is it inappropriate to celebrate him on fathers day? She wont be seeing her bio dad. I don't want to confuse her but at the same time hes the one thats always been there, and we are all so grateful.

What have you guys done?

AnvilheadII

eh.....i don't think i would go so far as to CELEBRATE father's day with the BF standing in as DAD. your DD is 3 and is far too young to even grasp the meaning of the day.....and while your BF has done very well by her, i wouldn't add any further confusion. not until such time as things are more formally worked out with your EX.

that's just my two cents.

ladyscribbler

DS is very artistic and creative. He loves to draw and make cards. I sent envelopes of his artwork and photos of him via snail mail for Father's Day, etc. They also do a weekly phone call on most Sundays.
I know your situation is different, and my ex just recently got his visitation rights restored because he went to alcohol treatment, but we did the cards/package and phone call thing for almost 3 years while the custody case was going and after I quit sending DS for visits. It worked well for those times when X didn't have a phone or was too drunk to be coherent during a phone call. And it had the added bonus of proving that I wasn't preventing contact or a relationship between them and made it easier to point to alcohol as THE issue, whatever mud my ex tried to sling.
We also always send a card to the grandpas, who have stood in as father figures for both boys. My oldest son's dad passed away, and "Pop" has been there for him. I just recently began dating someone and the boys haven't met him yet, but it sounds like your guy is a stand up dude. I see nothing wrong with acknowledging the role he has in your child's life. We sent a Mother's Day card to my ex's new wife because I'm working really hard to eliminate all drama from that corner of my life, lol.

bluebird418

Just to be clear: I am not thinking of calling it "fathers day" and renaming my bf as her dad. I was going to just maybe say its a day that we celebrate him and maybe have her make a thank you card or something. And then on my own I can celebrate him as being that father figure.

Thumper

She is so young yet. If she hasn't heard of the day in preschool or something I'd just skip it all together. If she's aware of it maybe have her color a picture or do a hand print and stick it in a card and mail to her bio dad. The end. Personally I would not add confusion by celebrating your boyfriend. That is just me personally. Keep it simple as possible at this age. There are 364 other days in the year that you can help her do something special for your boyfriend because he's awesome without tangling it up with fathers day. Whatever name you have for him - create that day on your calendar - on a different day. A day that is pure and joyful with no angst or confusion.

bluebird418

Just out of curiosity would people feel it would be appropriate if we were married? I was thinking maybe just do an entirely different day also, but as she gets older she is going to be aware of that day and although i cant tell the future i doubt he will improve.

Liveitwell

When she gets older, let her lead. My oldest does not wasnt to send her dad a card or a gift-her choice. My ex has had plenty of opportunities to see his children since losing visitation but he has chosen not to. I agree with others that your bf should NoT be put in the father role or celebrated that way, but he should be celebrated in other ways for being the stand up guy for your kiddo!

Hugs-this stuff can be tough, but trust your gut and when they get older it gets a little easier bc they can tell you their desires/wants.

Peace!

atalose

My opinion is if you end up marring this guy that officially makes him your child’s stepfather regardless of her real father.

But I would think prior to a marriage the clear cut status of the child’s father should be in order. He forfeited his visitation and has only spend 15 minutes with her in the past 6 months. I would think you and your attorney would be attempting to get him to give up his parental rights all together along with the divorce. Those things need to get wrapped up before moving forward with planning your daughter’s future with a father status because at this point you just don’t know that.

What’s wrong with having her help you make a special dinner and bake him a cake – just because!

bluebird418

Unfortunately where I live the likelihood of anyone taking his parental rights away is slim to none and we have been divorced for a while now. We are working on sole custody, but court has been continued so many times it just hasnt been heard. But yeah, i dont want to confuse her but at the same time just because she has a bio dad doesnt mean hes a "dad", because he doesnt do anything to contribute or help or be a parent. its all confusing enough for me as it is!

dandylion

bluebird.....I think that it is your own feelings that are bothering you the most.....
So.....why not, privately, give him a card from YOU....."for all you have done", type of thing?

Realistically...she doesn't even comprehend the meaning of this day....and HE isn't stupid---he knows that she doesn't comprehend it, yet, either...lol.....

I would suggest that you don't future trip too much about this...There is still lots of time for things to unfold.....

dandylion

Praying

^^what Dandy said...I think you're feeling that YOU'D like him to receive recognition or thanks--and you can certainly give him that one on one, and do something less specific with DD.

schnappi99

You might also ask him if he cares about Fathers day or not. Personally, as a dad, I dont care in the slightest about it but these things vary.

fantail

It sounds like you and your boyfriend consider him to be her de facto step-father, even if not legally? If that's the case I think including him in father's day makes sense and will probably be less confusing for her as she gets older. If I were in your shoes I would do both a card for the bio dad and a card for your boyfriend... and then that's a chance to introduce the idea that she has both a Dad and a Jeff/Tim/etc who loves her as much as a Dad does. I have a three year old step-niece who also has a step-sister and spends a lot of time with my mother, her step-grandmother. She's old enough to understand that there's Grandmommy, Grandma, and Susan (my mom) and that they're all put on earth to play with her (of course! ). She understands that Melissa has another Mom that she lives with some days but is still her sister. If your boyfriend is a permanent part of your family I think it makes sense to include him in family rituals.

redatlanta

At 3 years old she is not going to remember what you did or didn't do this year. If you want to celebrate what he has done then do it. Hopefully by next year you will have more of a clear understanding what roll her Bio Father will be playing in her life. It think this will be a more pertinent issue when she is around age 5.