Rock bottoms have a new bottom and it will NEVER be different this time.
Rock bottoms have a new bottom and it will NEVER be different this time.
Hi All, I remember hearing the words that I am about to type. Now I am living them. I can't believe that I let myself get to a place so horrendous in order for me to realize just how true these words are.
1. It will never be different "this time". After 17, which I thought was 19, months of sobriety I felt confident that I had this problem licked. I veered away from this board and from the program that I was working. It didn't take long for me to stop remembering all the reasons why I had come here in the first place. Just like any other alcoholic I let that AV back in using resentments. I took that first drink. I'll never forget it either because I was frightened as I brought that container to my mouth. If only I had paid attention to that fright. For a while, I was fine (not really, it was just what I was telling myself). Soon, the same pattern developed and I refused to see it, my denial was in full force. Until this past Sunday. When I hit my new rock bottom. Which leads me to the next point.
#2. If you think you've hit rock bottom, when you go back out, there is a whole new rock bottom waiting for you, and it will be WORSE. It will find you, it's just a matter of time. I guarantee this. There is no time, or circumstance ever, where it will end well. So be prepared.
In totality, when you begin talking to yourself how things are going so well that you know that using will be ok STOP. Think about what brought you to where you are now in sobriety. Why you came here and why you quit. Next, consider the possibilities of what worse can happen. Because I guarantee you, if you take that first drink, it will. It's just a matter of time. Again, this is a guarantee.
I am facing a world of crap right now. The only thing keeping me sane is the full acceptance and knowledge that I now have that NEVER will it be ok for me to drink. EVER. That I will get through this and I will make it a positive thing by realizing I will never go in search of that new rock bottom, ever again. I'll do this one day at a time.
I remember reading posts like the above the last time. It's one thing to read it and it's another to live it. Remember, what I just said is a full 100% guarantee. Don't get to where I got.
You CAN do this.
1. It will never be different "this time". After 17, which I thought was 19, months of sobriety I felt confident that I had this problem licked. I veered away from this board and from the program that I was working. It didn't take long for me to stop remembering all the reasons why I had come here in the first place. Just like any other alcoholic I let that AV back in using resentments. I took that first drink. I'll never forget it either because I was frightened as I brought that container to my mouth. If only I had paid attention to that fright. For a while, I was fine (not really, it was just what I was telling myself). Soon, the same pattern developed and I refused to see it, my denial was in full force. Until this past Sunday. When I hit my new rock bottom. Which leads me to the next point.
#2. If you think you've hit rock bottom, when you go back out, there is a whole new rock bottom waiting for you, and it will be WORSE. It will find you, it's just a matter of time. I guarantee this. There is no time, or circumstance ever, where it will end well. So be prepared.
In totality, when you begin talking to yourself how things are going so well that you know that using will be ok STOP. Think about what brought you to where you are now in sobriety. Why you came here and why you quit. Next, consider the possibilities of what worse can happen. Because I guarantee you, if you take that first drink, it will. It's just a matter of time. Again, this is a guarantee.
I am facing a world of crap right now. The only thing keeping me sane is the full acceptance and knowledge that I now have that NEVER will it be ok for me to drink. EVER. That I will get through this and I will make it a positive thing by realizing I will never go in search of that new rock bottom, ever again. I'll do this one day at a time.
I remember reading posts like the above the last time. It's one thing to read it and it's another to live it. Remember, what I just said is a full 100% guarantee. Don't get to where I got.
You CAN do this.
Wow LabyBlue, what a powerful, powerful post. I am so sorry you are dealing with your new rock bottom now, but I hear the strength of character coming off the page and know you can work your way back from this. I have no plans, no plans at all of going back to drinking, but my guess is that months ago you didn't either, this is a stark reminder to stay alert. Thank you.
Thank you Ladyblue for your post. It resonates with me very much. I spent the month of February without having a drink and then let my av convince me it was ok and that I could manage. You would think I would have know better.
I am on day 6 and moving in the right direction. I know it will get worse as well if I keep drinking.
Like soberween I am going to save your post and re read it in order to quiet my av..
Thank you again.
I am on day 6 and moving in the right direction. I know it will get worse as well if I keep drinking.
Like soberween I am going to save your post and re read it in order to quiet my av..
Thank you again.
thank you,lady.
gave me great reminder of hearing a man with 20+ years sober who drank again say," i didnt pick up where i left off. it was like i never stopped."
glad ya made it back,too!
gave me great reminder of hearing a man with 20+ years sober who drank again say," i didnt pick up where i left off. it was like i never stopped."
glad ya made it back,too!
Ladyblue, I'm really sorry for your situation now and I am so glad you know the answer is to get back working on recovery. I have heard so many people say that when they go back to drinking after a prolonged absence, they begin right where they left off. Thank you for reminding us that this disease is relentless.
I just copied your post and sent it to myself as a private message so that I would have it available as needed. I promise myself to come back and read it before I take another drink. It is one of the most powerful reminders that I have ever read.
Thank you for sharing this. I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
Thank you for sharing this. I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
I agree because through the last year I have smashed through many bottoms only to create a lower one. It can happen fast. One day at a time, sometimes one hour😉. Sober now but I could cry all day for so many reasons. Thanks for your post.
Lilly
Lilly
Welcome back, LadyBlue0527. Wishing you the best in your recovery today and thank you for sharing this powerful message with us. I need to always remember that it's the first drink that is the problem for me, that I'm only one drink away from being right back to that awful place (or somewhere worse, as you are saying) where I was before.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 483
That was a powerful post. After over two and a half years my av was whispering a little today like it always does on my first few day off after a 15 day work stretch. That post shut down any of those thoughts. I thank you for that lady and wish you the best of luck!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hello, LadyBlue.
I started drinking again in 2008 after twenty five years without a drink; about half that time I considered myself to be sober.
I suffered two traumatic and devastating losses within two months of each other as I approached twelve years of sobriety, and I didn't drink. Didn't even have cravings, though the effects of those losses lingered well into the remainder of those twenty five years.
When I finally picked up a drink, there was nothing traumatic or euphoric going on in my life, unless one can describe my having stopped working to maintain my sobriety "traumatic." I picked up that first drink very casually, as though drinking were no longer a problem for me and, because I hadn't had a drink in so much time, I'd be able to discern if and when things got out of hand, and then either stop or go back to AA.
As I recall, I went for two or three months without too much difficulty. Getting drunk a couple of times, but rarely overdoing it (though for me, a single drink was the same thing as "overdoing it"). And then I drank harder and more frequently than ever before. Around the clock. At home, at work, and in the street. I allowed my career and my personal and professional relationships to suffer. My XGF threw me out and changed the locks. The various roles in my work collapsed under the weight of my drinking. I was no longer reliable to the people who depended on my. I couldn't hold a job, and I spent as much money as I could, as quickly and irresponsibly as was possible. I even accepted being virtually homeless.
The only time I'll say or write something like, "I only relapsed once in thirty three years" (for three years), is within the context of having lost everything during that time. It doesn't matter that it was "only that one time." It doesn't matter. It only takes one drink, and the absence of so many people who used to be here on SR but never found their way to long-term sobriety is evidence to that effect. My relapse proved more destructive and more devastating than what my drinking took away from me before the first time I got sober. As you know, it happens all too quickly. I didn't move towards sobriety gracefully, and I only did it quietly because I had nothing left to say and nothing left to do.
Continuing to drink would have killed me, but not quickly enough. I stopped because I had no other choice, between life and death. Things were much worse than they'd ever been for me, and getting sober again remains the single most difficult thing I've ever done or put myself through. There was nothing heroic about my getting sober. Nothing to romanticize, nothing to learn that I already didn't know.
The world in which we live does not voluntarily or with intention offer satisfaction or fulfillment; deception, frustration and loss are a part of life, as all very old cultures had learned, sadder but wiser to acknowledge. There are both obvious and subtle, though extremely powerful, forces at work that bring us to where we are at any given moment in life. To fret or obsess over that which we cannot control is to forfeit meaningfulness or purpose; an insidious act of surrender in the name of despair. We either make (or recognize) a commitment to live a good life, or we allow life to take us along without our permission or participation. And, with the latter, often with mounting resentments and withering rage. It's never too late or too early to start.
I started drinking again in 2008 after twenty five years without a drink; about half that time I considered myself to be sober.
I suffered two traumatic and devastating losses within two months of each other as I approached twelve years of sobriety, and I didn't drink. Didn't even have cravings, though the effects of those losses lingered well into the remainder of those twenty five years.
When I finally picked up a drink, there was nothing traumatic or euphoric going on in my life, unless one can describe my having stopped working to maintain my sobriety "traumatic." I picked up that first drink very casually, as though drinking were no longer a problem for me and, because I hadn't had a drink in so much time, I'd be able to discern if and when things got out of hand, and then either stop or go back to AA.
As I recall, I went for two or three months without too much difficulty. Getting drunk a couple of times, but rarely overdoing it (though for me, a single drink was the same thing as "overdoing it"). And then I drank harder and more frequently than ever before. Around the clock. At home, at work, and in the street. I allowed my career and my personal and professional relationships to suffer. My XGF threw me out and changed the locks. The various roles in my work collapsed under the weight of my drinking. I was no longer reliable to the people who depended on my. I couldn't hold a job, and I spent as much money as I could, as quickly and irresponsibly as was possible. I even accepted being virtually homeless.
The only time I'll say or write something like, "I only relapsed once in thirty three years" (for three years), is within the context of having lost everything during that time. It doesn't matter that it was "only that one time." It doesn't matter. It only takes one drink, and the absence of so many people who used to be here on SR but never found their way to long-term sobriety is evidence to that effect. My relapse proved more destructive and more devastating than what my drinking took away from me before the first time I got sober. As you know, it happens all too quickly. I didn't move towards sobriety gracefully, and I only did it quietly because I had nothing left to say and nothing left to do.
Continuing to drink would have killed me, but not quickly enough. I stopped because I had no other choice, between life and death. Things were much worse than they'd ever been for me, and getting sober again remains the single most difficult thing I've ever done or put myself through. There was nothing heroic about my getting sober. Nothing to romanticize, nothing to learn that I already didn't know.
The world in which we live does not voluntarily or with intention offer satisfaction or fulfillment; deception, frustration and loss are a part of life, as all very old cultures had learned, sadder but wiser to acknowledge. There are both obvious and subtle, though extremely powerful, forces at work that bring us to where we are at any given moment in life. To fret or obsess over that which we cannot control is to forfeit meaningfulness or purpose; an insidious act of surrender in the name of despair. We either make (or recognize) a commitment to live a good life, or we allow life to take us along without our permission or participation. And, with the latter, often with mounting resentments and withering rage. It's never too late or too early to start.
Every word is true, Lady. That's exactly the way it was for me when I decided it would be ok to have 'a few' after 3 yrs. of sobriety. (Surely I'd never make the same mistakes again?!) I had never been stopped for DUI, but my last time out I was. I had always hidden my drinking from co-workers & family - but my behavior was so outrageous that everyone knew.
Thank you for your valuable words. I'm so happy you're back with a new determination.
Thank you for your valuable words. I'm so happy you're back with a new determination.
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