Beachkid

I haven't posted here in years. I recently had a pretty bad health scare, and have taken some time off work. I've come to the realization that it's not a phase, I have a full on addiction to benzodiazepines. Honestly though, anything that will sedate me. I have terrible anxiety. Have since I was a child. I was sober for almost a month (even quit smoking/vaping) after my health scare. But then I turned back to adderall which I had filled not long before my episode. Never felt addicted to stimulants. They are more of a temporary uplift for me. But benzos are as sick as it sounds, like my best friend. I love them. One is never enough. My dosage has never increased, but the quantity I'm prescribed has. I love them, I love everything about them, how they make me feel, the taste, the confidence they give me.

I'm ashamed to admit that I very rarely, like almost never, take my pills by mouth. I've snorted them for years now, which I can only imagine makes them even more addicting as they are entering my bloodstream at a faster rate, all at once. My doctor was aware of the drugs I was prescribed, they think it triggered an underlying medical condition that I was actually born with. I was medically detoxed while hospitalized with a "light benzodiazepine" through my IV.

My life is in limbo right now, but I hate the idea of complaining. I'm so blessed. I have insurance, a loving family, and I have a lot going for me. I'm not bragging, but I'm really just saying this because I want to be upfront about the fact that I know I've done this to myself. The younger me (college days) would've blamed my friends, betrayals, mistakes of my parents, and used that as some ridiculous excuse to self-sabotage myself.

I'm not addicted to adderall, right now I think I'm just addicted to the feeling of being in an altered state of mind. I don't want rehab (I'm not knocking those who do seek that option), however, that is just something I'm not ready for. I really just would like some advice on how to cope with benzodiazepine cravings. I know I can do it, and for about a month I was all gung-ho about being pill-free (except for medically necessary medicines which are non-addictive, and non-psychotropic).

I know better too, this is the worst part. I have addiction (alcoholism) in my family. I studied psychology in college, and have a full understanding of my anxiety disorder, and the personality disorders that lets face it, I most likely suffer from.

I'm really sensitive about this right now, so please be kind. I know that a lot of this post sounds deluded and jaded. Hey, at least I'm self aware...? I would love some feedback, to hear others personal experiences and stories, and just overall tips on how to handle anxiety without the use of benzodiazepines. Like I said, I love them, but I don't think I'm capable of using them responsibly. I realize that I can't simply "take one as needed." The need for them is always there. God bless you all.

Lightning Bug

I am recovering from Xanax addiction. I was clean for 4 years until I left my doc's office with a Klonopin RX last August. My binge on Klonopin lasted too long. It only stopped because I told the doctor about my binge drinking so I could try Camprel and she cut me off the Klonopin. I wasn't upset. I was relieved. Benzos are my DOC. I understand how you feel about them. Hugs. Can you tell the doc not to prescribe them anymore? You need to wean, though. Benzo withdrawal is awful.Thanks for posting. PM me if you ever need to talk. I get it.

Mountainmanbob

If you are willing and wanting to stop
your doctor can be of much help.
I was addicted to prescriptions pills for many years.
Kicked while in treatment once
and more than a few times on my own.
It is worth the fight for you so as to be free.
It's an amazing thing to be free as I (we) look back.
Bob

Dee74

Welcome back beachkid

Urge surfing helped me a lot with cravings - I hope it might help you too

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

D

Soberwolf

Hey Beachkid

Beachkid

Thank all of the responders so much for your responses! Yes, I'll never go cold turkey again! I genuinely do have an anxiety disorder. I constantly go back and forth and think that "maybe I could take them responsibly..." I think back to every Xanax prescription I ever filled. Thinking I could make it last. I'd find myself going through 60 pills meant for a month in less than 10 days. Then I was prescribed 90 meant for a month...that was a turning point. I felt like I had so many...I kept taking them. I'd snort 1-2. Then, especially on a weekend, I'd become reclusive, and sit in my apartment and snort pills. They go rather quickly. The memory loss that occurs with benzos definitely didn't help when i would go back and try to think how the hell I went through all of those pills so quickly!

I don't have panic attacks though. I have generalized anxiety. Maybe I should just deal with it. Therapy doesn't work for me. Maybe it does. But I don't really enjoy that type of atmosphere. I never should've been prescribed Xanax in my opinion the more I look back. Besides the fact that I've been on it for 9 YEARS...its meant for short term, fast acting relief. I should've been prescribed something like klonopin, Valium, Ativan ...something with a longer half life.

My question is...if i control myself...and hold myself accountable. Tell my family how many pills I have. Maybe keep the pills with them..should I take a lighter benzo? I want to know if im an addict or if I've willingly created this drama in my life for some reason. I don't know if people can relate to these feelings of questioning whether they are an addict or not. To be honest I believe I could have borderline personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder. Is my self destructive behavior a symptom? Let me know what you all think!