Susurration

Hi everyone and best wishes to everyone in whatever stage of recovery you happen to be in. After 20+ years of addiction I've been sober for a little over two years after and I've hated every single second of it. That may seem like an odd statement especially here and begs the question 'then why are you here?' . I'm here because during my many detoxes I met some of the most amazing people from every social background you could imagine. I cheered those people on and was so happy for them when they triumphed over their demons and felt for them when they lapsed. So I'm here to be part of that again (I hope) , part of a community that understands addiction, doesn't judge and is there to offer a helping hand when needed.

So I've hated my sobriety so far but that doesn't mean I will always feel this way. For the life of me I never thought I would be sober at all and you can never know how the future will pan out. So that's another reason to be here, to maybe be inspired and to learn from others experiences and maybe gain some strength to keep going. Just to be part of something good even if it is only as an observer. Although hopefully I'll be able to add something positive to this forum when I can.

Ok probably not the best introduction to myself ever but hopefully you understand where I'm coming from.

All the best to you all

Dee74

Welcome Susurration

It's not actually that uncommon for folks to rock up here saying they hate sobriety, so you're in good company

When I quit, I was trying to live my life just as it was, with no other changes bar not drinking.

That didn't work. The was a huge alcohol shaped absence in my life.
Sitting on the couch was tolerable for a drunk but not for someone sober.

So I changed my life - and I'm the better for it

If there's any place that can show you the joy of recovery , it's this place

welcome aboard

FLCamper

Hello, Susurration - it must be very difficult to stay sober if you hate it.
Why do you hate it, or what is it about being sober that you aren't pleased with?

MIRecovery

About the only thing I liked about early sobriety was not throwing up in the morning but slowly things started to get better. Today I have a life better than I could have imagined

Hevyn

Susurration - welcome. I hope being here will be helpful. It's a great place to talk things over with those who understand.

It took me a while to get used to being without my buffer, but I could never go back to those sad old days. Congratulations on your 2 sober years.

least

Welcome to the family and congrats on your sober time. I hope with our help you can find something to like about it.

Susurration

Hi FLCamper

That question deserves an answer but I'll have to get back to you as I should have posted at a more sensible time than 2 a.m! I will get back to you

Susurration

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome.

Beachkid

Hi Sussuration,

I don't have much experience in recovery personally, but I've had periods of sobriety, and can relate to the feelings of not really enjoying it. Ive felt the same before. I may feel better while sober, but I'm feeling like I'm "white-knuckling" every moment of it. I'm not a person in a position to give advice regarding this, as I'm not exactly the best sober person. I think that no matter how much people say, "you have to do it for yourself!"...that may not be the case for everyone. You admit you don't like being sober but are self-aware enough to know that you need to be sober as you are an addict. Just always keep in the back of your head WHY you are sober; WHO your addiction hurt; WHAT your addiction cost you.

You are special. You are loved. You are WORTH FIGHTING FOR! you're in my prayers!

bemyself

Welcome Susurration (interesting name!),
I reckon it's pretty amazing that you've achieved two whole YEARS without drinking, hating it or not. I don't especially like sobriety either, lots of the time. But even within the very same day of those thoughts / feelings, I can pause and just feel / be aware of the feel-good factor in it. I wonder if you too have actually had more of those than you remember right this minute?

It'll be interesting to hear more of exactly what kinds of things (actions, inactions, thoughts, feelings, decisions / indecisions!, etc etc) have bugged you so much during your sobriety. Maybe identifying this stuff can help you see which ones haven't served you well at all, kind of along the lines of what Dee so often says about his sobriety: 'Do Stuff Differently. Do Different Stuff' is the general message I've usually taken from Dee (and many others) on that score.

You mentioned also the obvious pleasure you felt in being around others during your detoxes, because they're on the same journey. Does that imply that you don't have anything to do with other recovering peeps in your usual F2F day to day life?

Anyway, it's the middle of the night where you are, so I'll take a peek at how you're going at a later stage in the thread. Again, welcome! BTW you can also have HEAPS of laughs with the community here: it's gold, and very encouraging / therapeutic in itself I find.

Soberwolf

Welcome to SoberRecovery Susuration

entropy1964

Welcome Sur. Well kudos to you for remaining sober for two years even in the face of hating it!

I can't say I relate to hating sobriety per se. I can say that I often hate myself....and when sober I can't escape from me, even for a moment (unless exercising) through a substance. I'm sort of stuck, being forced to sort out my feelings. Or learn to simply sit with them, not judge and let them happen. So much of recovery for me is learning to completely change my thinking. But that's just me.

Glad you're here.

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, Susurration.

Meraviglioso

Welcome to SR, please do stick around. Congratulations on two year, that is a big accomplishment for anyone and massive considering it hasn't been the best experience for you. Obviously sober life is better than drunk life for you to have pushed through. I hope you'll post more about your experience and some of the wise members with more sober time can give you some advice. I'm just two months in myself but not being constantly drunk or hungover has been pretty nice so far.
Wishing you well and congratulations again.

ylajali

I'm sorry to hear that. Damn -- 2+ years is a long time to hate. [How much did you love your 20+ years of addiction?]

I hope that others who have had a better time with sobriety can help you find ways to enjoy it too. I can empathise with finding exceptional people in dire straits -- it's glorious to witness those who transmute desperation into grace. I bet others saw the same qualities in yourself in those situations, over two years (!) ago.

There's a huge expectation that sobriety will be far more enjoyable than addiction, I guess (?) because most people genuinely experience the shift that way. I'm sad to hear that your sobriety has taken a different tone so far, but it's awesome that you've stuck it out, and I'm sure it'll pay off... because the strength, discipline, and courage it takes to go through 2+ years of disheartening sobriety--and /still/ hold tight a balanced and optimistic view--is something that will follow you into the future, forever.

Without observation of others, there's no empathy. Given your evident respect and regard of other people, I hope you continue to observe and share. (Above all, I hope your sobriety gets lovely soon!)

Well, you've already added something positive for me, at least. Your determination is inspiring, your outlook is open-minded and unjaded, and you've let me know that it's possible to keep afloat even when things seem unbearable.

I'm grateful for that, and I'll try to keep it in (what's left of my) mind. Thank you for posting, Susurration. [Great 'nym, by the way.]

Susurration

Thank you to everyone for posting your messages of welcome and support, words cannot express the gratitude I feel for you taking the time to do so. Well after deciding to take the plunge and join this group and post my first thread at stupid o' clock in the morning I struggled into work on very little sleep. This at least has given me the day to think about how best to answer the questions that were asked by yourselves as well as those I am continually asking myself. I went through many edits and variations in my head when I realised that I wasn't going to be writing my life story, just be succinct.

FIrst question is an easy one to answer the name 'Susurration' comes from my love of the late Terry Pratchett and his discworld series of novels. It was his favourite word and crops up many times in his novels and it just seemed to fit myself in this place at this time.

Am I still in contact with those wonderful people I met in the detox centre? Regretfully no, each time I left I had a whole host of phone numbers of people to contact but I deleted every one each time I relapsed. I relapsed really quickly as well so some of those people I never spoke to again. I wished that I had kept them somewhere safe but that's the wonderful thing about hindsight. My last detox two years ago was a home detox so I had no immediate support group (at least not from people who understand addiction) and haven't since. I have visited AA a few times over the years and I have to say that as wonderful an organisation as it is it's not for me. The best group that I did attend was by a bunch of people who held an informal coffee morning one day a week and I had a great deal of fun there. Unfortunately due to work commitments I was unable to attend any more meetings.

The big one , why do I hate sobriety? I agonised a lot over how best to answer this because it's really hard to describe the seething turmoil that goes on in my head. On the face of it it i shouldn't be hating it at all. I have a job when a great many people don't, but it's a job that I have to change as soon as possible because it's a huge trigger for my depression. My boss even commentated that she doesn't know anyone who would have stuck it out as long as I have. It was a hope that things would go back to the way things were work wise, a hope that is now dead and buried. I have a roof over my head, pay the bills, feed myself and have a wonderful partner. All things considered many things that many others don't have.

However I've dropped that word into my writing. Depression, a small word that fails to describe that massive black tornado that I can have going through my head from a gentle susurration (ha) to a full on storm. I've had depression for as long as I can remember certainly longer than I was even aware that I had it. Alcoholism and depression share many things in common and one of the is they are insidious diseases. It was first used in my direction after the proceeding years led to me having a massive mental breakdown in 2000 which resulted me spending several months in hospital. When I was discharged I was broken, couldn't live, couldn't die, no future and certainly no hope. So I threw myself into alcoholic oblivion. Over the years I became a functioning alcoholic. I worked and earned enough to live on and drink every waking moment that I wasn't at work. Admittedly the stuff I was drinking was cheap and unbelievably nasty but it did the trick. I didn't mind the term functioning alcoholic and cared even less about being one. It was a very poor lifestyle but I didn't care about that either. I don't have many horror stories about the things I've done whilst drunk because most of my drinking was done home alone. As for someone who drank every moment I could I very rarely got blind drunk. My tolerance was high and I absolutely loathed being blackout drunk and out of control. I'd just go to bed and sleep if I got near that state. My friends didn't mind me drinking (they hated the alcoholism though) because I wasn't argumentative when I was with them and wasn't a bad person to be around.

Fast forward and the inevitable happened and I started to get sick, really sick. After every detox I would get fit and well and delude myself that I could be that functioning alcoholic again. You see I never really wanted to give up. Then three years ago after some major lows in my life I started drinking really heavily and I ended up extremely sick. This time I didn't want to stop I just wanted to keep going until the inevitable conclusion. However I had witnessed the slow death of my mum to alcohol and there was no way that i was going to put my partner through that, I had already put her through far to much as it is as she had witnessed my rapid decline. I can still remember the dark night I had lying in my bed barely able to move when I reached that decision.

So I gave up (and that was so very hard) in the belief that things could only improve. In some ways they did as I still had my partner and I went back to work. However my health has never returned to what it was as I must have done myself some serious damage in my last episode of drinking. I'm not complaining I've seen far worse in other people and I can get through the day. However my depression which was ever present became something new. Before when I was drinking and it was a disjointed jumble of really black thoughts it became a searing pinpoint of dark light in my head. That's why I hate being sober. The constant feelings of worthlessness, a mind now sober fully aware of a life wasted and with absolutely no idea of what direction to take. I haven't the skills or intelligence to achieve any of the things that I can think of to make my life worthwhile. Even if I did I cannot seem to get any motivation or enthusiasm for anything that could make life bearable. I spend my day plastering on a fake smile and dragging myself through the day finding the strength from somewhere to do whatever I have to do and that's it. At work it's the worst my suicidal thoughts can be punishing beyond belief and yet I get through it and my work mates cannot imagine the stuff I'm thinking. 'Your not your usual cheery self are you ok?' is as close as they get. The fact that I present a cheery self at all is pretty amazing, but I guess a part of me can still shine through. I should and need to get myself some counselling but again that requires a level of self belief that is non existent. But I managed to write this and talk to you so I have nothing to lose from trying. I was going to say things couldn't get any worse but that's stupid of course they can I could lose those things and people that I do have, those things that I should be using as a reason to be grateful of my sobriety. I said that I would be succinct and I'm sorry that I wasn't but in a way I could have written much more and for longer. You see I think I was writing this for myself to get my thoughts down in black and white and use this little ember to maybe start a fire that could burn this darkness away. That's why I hate sobriety I still want to go back to being a functioning alcoholic and drinking myself to sleep when everything becomes to much to cope with. Oh and that alcoholic voice in my head trying to tell me how great a friend it was to me and lying that things would be so much better if I started drinking again. The fact that my health never fully recovered is I think the main reason I have stayed sober, it's a reminder that things can and will get far worse if I start again.

Many apologies for this elongated ramble and thank you if you got this far. I'm not going to read it back until the morning and I'll probably regret not doing some heavy editing. But at least this way it's written as thought.

bemyself

Thank you so much for your extraordinary honesty in your last post, S. I hope even writing it all out gives you even a little relief and some hope (upon re-reading) that it doesn't always have to be that way.

I say that because: your story almost EXACTLY mirrors mine, other than some aspects like you having a partner / still working / and being 2 years sober.

I won't go here and now into a whole suite of 'suggestions' for you; I have a sense that you yourself will, using your self-awareness, be able to pinpoint the kinds of actions you need to take to turn this darkness around - to find a pinpoint of white light rather than the dark light you describe. I too know that feeling, very well, of how depression can blanket, smother, any hope.

Do please stick around on the boards here, travel about a bit into various threads as well as this one. Talk, talk, talk and listen, listen, listen - things will improve. This is a large community of people who know what you're going through, have gone through, and many of whom can gently support you through to a better place in your life.

Meraviglioso

I second bemyself's thank you. I have only ever suffered mild depression so I really can't comprehend the level you are dealing with. I do hope you will follow though on getting help. It doesn't have to be this way. I know that seems impossible to comprehend right now, but it doesn't.
Thanks for being here, I really hope it will light that fire.

Susurration

Thank you to everyone who has responded in such a kind and wonderful manner it has been greatly appreciated. Just from taking that first step and making a few posts and recieving all your replies has for the first time in a very long time made my mind a little calmer today. I still had a few bad moments but I tried to concentrate on all the kind messages that you had sent.

I certainly will bemyself and I greatly appreciate you sharing your own experience with me. I have the luxury of having a full weekend off so I will be taking the time to fully explore this site. I have had a quick look around and to say that I'm impressed would be an understatement. It is so heartwarming to see so many people rally around and reach out to those in need in need of help. It's a terrible dichotomy (is that the right word?) that it is comforting to know that you're not alone and there are people out there who are going through similar struggles and are willing to help and the awful fact that you're not alone and there are other people out there suffering as well. I hope that makes as much sense as it does in my head.

One thing I will definitely be doing is using my last post as a template to contact my local counselling service. The waiting list to be seen can take up to 12 months and the information was given to me by my doctor almost a year ago. The irony of this is not lost on me. But like my joining this group at least I'm actually trying to do something and believe that the future could be different.

I wish you all the very best and I'm assuming from the tone of your message that you managed to punch through the wall of darkness. I hope this is the case and long may it continue.

Susurration

Thank you Meraviglioso for your kind words. You're right it does seem impossible right now as I've felt like this way for as long as I can remember. However with positive messages like this then maybe I can at least move forward and start to believe in myself a little. I've hated myself for so long and that hasn't worked at all so maybe a new approach is needed. I've got nothing to lose by trying.

Mild or not depression is a terrible illness and I wish you all the best for the future.