Sick
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 31
Sick
I started to write a little introduction about myself and my relationship with my AH. I got about two paragraphs in before I melted down in tears. How do you endure 26 YEARS of a nightmare and then look back in a moment of clarity and not feel absolutely physically ill? And yet.....here I am....still trying to "make it work"
I
I guess the intro can wait for today. I will just go do some more reading amd reflecting
I
I guess the intro can wait for today. I will just go do some more reading amd reflecting
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we have a few members here that were in LONG term marriages by the time they arrived here....so you are not alone!!
so we know YOU are trying to make it work.....i'm curious, is your spouse even HALF as committed as you are? does he TRY to make it work as well? or are YOU trying to make it work for the both of you without his participation???
so we know YOU are trying to make it work.....i'm curious, is your spouse even HALF as committed as you are? does he TRY to make it work as well? or are YOU trying to make it work for the both of you without his participation???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 31
He claims to be working on it. I cannot speak for him. I love this site. After giving up social media to protect my friends from his constant inquiries, I never thought I would find a place to belong. Thank you for supporting me and everyone that comes across this invaluable information.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 31
It's not enough but I don't know what else to do.
He has nowhere to go if I put him out. His family will not tolerate him and he has no friends.
We are living at my mom's because he lost his last job and we had to move back from Cetral California. He wants us to get our own place but I know it is a trap. I will be stuck forever.
He has nowhere to go if I put him out. His family will not tolerate him and he has no friends.
We are living at my mom's because he lost his last job and we had to move back from Cetral California. He wants us to get our own place but I know it is a trap. I will be stuck forever.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi Stacy,
Welcome! I'm sorry for what brings you here. I just want to put a thought in your head--many, many people here would tell you that he WOULD find somewhere to go and some way to live. Alcoholics are very resourceful, and we sometimes trap ourselves because we think they couldn't make it without us. However, they usually do.
As a grown man, he should expect to work and pay his way. With you, he doesn't necessarily have to...without you, who knows?
I divorced after 18 years of marriage, 20 years together, with my XAH. That was a little over three years ago. I'm hoping to thrive for a few more decades before I go--and I sure wasted my 20s and 30s with that man.
Divorce isn't right for everyone, but maybe ask yourself what YOU want for your next 20 or 30 years. You have one life. What needs to change for you to feel better and thrive? Live apart? Detach and stay? Start a new life alone?
You DO get to make choices to benefit YOU.
A lot to think about--just tuck it in the back of your mind as you read and learn more. There's so much good information here on SR.
Sending you hugs and prayers for peace tonight.
Welcome! I'm sorry for what brings you here. I just want to put a thought in your head--many, many people here would tell you that he WOULD find somewhere to go and some way to live. Alcoholics are very resourceful, and we sometimes trap ourselves because we think they couldn't make it without us. However, they usually do.
As a grown man, he should expect to work and pay his way. With you, he doesn't necessarily have to...without you, who knows?
I divorced after 18 years of marriage, 20 years together, with my XAH. That was a little over three years ago. I'm hoping to thrive for a few more decades before I go--and I sure wasted my 20s and 30s with that man.
Divorce isn't right for everyone, but maybe ask yourself what YOU want for your next 20 or 30 years. You have one life. What needs to change for you to feel better and thrive? Live apart? Detach and stay? Start a new life alone?
You DO get to make choices to benefit YOU.
A lot to think about--just tuck it in the back of your mind as you read and learn more. There's so much good information here on SR.
Sending you hugs and prayers for peace tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Welcome! You'll find a great deal of knowledge here, and a great deal of support - and some occasional tough love as well, of which I've been on the receiving end of lately, and that's good!
I know you will find a sense of belonging here, it's been a lifesaver for me.
C-Oh Dad
I know you will find a sense of belonging here, it's been a lifesaver for me.
C-Oh Dad
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, buy a house or sign a lease with him and you are more trapped than you are. Right now the only "trap" is your own mind.
Have you talked with a lawyer about your obligations/rights if you were to separate or divorce? That's a good starting point. You don't have to actually FILE anything until you are ready, but having the knowledge may help with your decision-making.
It might be easier to get him out of your mom's house if you decide you need that space. By that I mean, your mom can back you up and it might be emotionally easier for her to undertake eviction proceedings against him (if he refuses to leave willingly) than it would be for you to do that.
He will survive. There are homeless shelters if it comes to that. He won't die of exposure (unless, of course, he chooses to do that). I know a couple of people who literally lived in a box or in a car before deciding to get sober.
Talk to a lawyer, talk to your mom. Use whatever support you need. Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start.
Have you talked with a lawyer about your obligations/rights if you were to separate or divorce? That's a good starting point. You don't have to actually FILE anything until you are ready, but having the knowledge may help with your decision-making.
It might be easier to get him out of your mom's house if you decide you need that space. By that I mean, your mom can back you up and it might be emotionally easier for her to undertake eviction proceedings against him (if he refuses to leave willingly) than it would be for you to do that.
He will survive. There are homeless shelters if it comes to that. He won't die of exposure (unless, of course, he chooses to do that). I know a couple of people who literally lived in a box or in a car before deciding to get sober.
Talk to a lawyer, talk to your mom. Use whatever support you need. Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy.....he has much more ability to survive than you think he does.....When survival instincts kick in....when a person HAS to survive, they find ways.
Right now, he doesn't have to put forth the the effort to work consistently or to make friends.....
If, tomorrow, your mother's house burned down (God forbid) and you got....lets just say....run over by a damned ole train......he would find a way to get food and some shelter from the elements......
Lexie makes some good p oints.......think about it.....
dandylion
Right now, he doesn't have to put forth the the effort to work consistently or to make friends.....
If, tomorrow, your mother's house burned down (God forbid) and you got....lets just say....run over by a damned ole train......he would find a way to get food and some shelter from the elements......
Lexie makes some good p oints.......think about it.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I am right here with you. I feel sorry for him like he won't be able to survive without me. I mean, he wouldn't live a nice cushy life like he has here but I'm sure he could SURVIVE. I don't want someone I love (or even know or care about) living in their truck but why should I be hurt because someone else refuses to care for themselves? I do everything and keep the household together in every aspect so what does he bring to the table for you? I have to remind myself of this every hour of every day.
But it's hard. I get strength from reading stories like yours who are new to leaving and still doing it. It makes me know I can do it too! I know I can. But why can't I push harder? Why can't I be colder?
But it's hard. I get strength from reading stories like yours who are new to leaving and still doing it. It makes me know I can do it too! I know I can. But why can't I push harder? Why can't I be colder?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
A belated welcome to you Stacy! It does sound like you have had one long, tough trip. I hope you find lots of support here. Have you tried Alanon? It doesn't work for everyone but for some it does.
Big hug to you.
Big hug to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm so sorry. I can relate. I was married for 20 years before my divorce was finalized and I beat myself up for staying so long. Yet, I also remember that there is a time and place for everything and that the path I was on was perfect for me and the timing happened with everything just as it was supposed to be.
I felt sorry for my ex. I also knew that if I left him there would be a sh*tstorm of crap that would come up afterwards (and yes, there has been). I honestly thought he'd kill himself because, you know, I had such a great influence on his mental health and it had nothing to do with his depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, medication abuse, etc......haha. I was so powerful. Today I know better and I had to let my ex walk his path alone. He turned into a bigger a-hole than I actually thought but I was free and I am still here and I'm still getting stronger every day.
I didn't read through all the posts here. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I feel compassion for my ex, even when he's pushing my buttons or bullying me because he hasn't felt what it's like to be free, to just let go and let other people live as they need to, to accept others as they are and to choose to end relationships even if you do accept them as they are. Hugs to you today!
I felt sorry for my ex. I also knew that if I left him there would be a sh*tstorm of crap that would come up afterwards (and yes, there has been). I honestly thought he'd kill himself because, you know, I had such a great influence on his mental health and it had nothing to do with his depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, medication abuse, etc......haha. I was so powerful. Today I know better and I had to let my ex walk his path alone. He turned into a bigger a-hole than I actually thought but I was free and I am still here and I'm still getting stronger every day.
I didn't read through all the posts here. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I feel compassion for my ex, even when he's pushing my buttons or bullying me because he hasn't felt what it's like to be free, to just let go and let other people live as they need to, to accept others as they are and to choose to end relationships even if you do accept them as they are. Hugs to you today!
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