Parents hurt me to 'save' my brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Riverdale, Maryland
Posts: 5
Parents hurt me to 'save' my brother
I am soooooo sick of being pummeled by my parents' comments on how selfish I am, or stubborn, or inflexible, or how I need to fix this, that, and the other. After 25 years of dealing with my brother's drug addiction, and my mother's die-hard insistence of enabling that addiction, I've distanced myself from it - or thought I had.
With 2 small children of my own, my spouse and I agreed that my brother was not welcome at our home until he was in recovery and had talked to me about his recovery. He has blamed me for the interference of the intervention 5 years ago, for continuing to talk to his ex-girlfriend (the mother of my nephew that my brother has lost all visiting rights to see), and a bunch of other things.
My parents took my brother to their home 2 years ago. They 'say' he's sober, but he's not had rehab, and my mother has always lied about how great he's doing. He goes to some therapist once a week, and I think an AA once a week. After decades of crack, cocaine, meth, alcohol, etc; numerous trips to the ER and hospital stays for overdosing; at least one arrest and one DUI; my intuition tells me that he's just going through the motions to appease my parents and get a place to stay, nice meals, a cell phone, and outings to the movies and ball games.
But now my parents want to visit with him in tow. And they are furious with me for saying 'no.' They've hung up on me, yelled at me, told me I need my head examined, and spouted all kinds of insults. They say that I'm the only one keeping our family separated.
Due to my insistence that my brother talk to me before any consideration could be made, I guess they talked him into it. My brother left a voicemail that was nice enough - but still never admitted to having an addiction, just to being sorry that things had gotten so bad and that he was seeing a therapist, and was hoping to get 'such-n-such' job soon. Same speech from the last 20 years.
After all these years, something broke. I just don't want to deal with them anymore. Part of me wants to pick up the phone. Another, just wants silence with them. Got a message from my mom today, basically saying - guilt, guilt, guilt, blame, blame, guilt, guilt. No empathy. No support. No reaching out to me. I always thought that reconciliation was the goal of all this mayhem in an addiction family. But now, I feel that this hope is gone... Bottom line - they can't love me, not if my brother is around. And I don't want to be around them if my ego has to take these hits all the time.
With 2 small children of my own, my spouse and I agreed that my brother was not welcome at our home until he was in recovery and had talked to me about his recovery. He has blamed me for the interference of the intervention 5 years ago, for continuing to talk to his ex-girlfriend (the mother of my nephew that my brother has lost all visiting rights to see), and a bunch of other things.
My parents took my brother to their home 2 years ago. They 'say' he's sober, but he's not had rehab, and my mother has always lied about how great he's doing. He goes to some therapist once a week, and I think an AA once a week. After decades of crack, cocaine, meth, alcohol, etc; numerous trips to the ER and hospital stays for overdosing; at least one arrest and one DUI; my intuition tells me that he's just going through the motions to appease my parents and get a place to stay, nice meals, a cell phone, and outings to the movies and ball games.
But now my parents want to visit with him in tow. And they are furious with me for saying 'no.' They've hung up on me, yelled at me, told me I need my head examined, and spouted all kinds of insults. They say that I'm the only one keeping our family separated.
Due to my insistence that my brother talk to me before any consideration could be made, I guess they talked him into it. My brother left a voicemail that was nice enough - but still never admitted to having an addiction, just to being sorry that things had gotten so bad and that he was seeing a therapist, and was hoping to get 'such-n-such' job soon. Same speech from the last 20 years.
After all these years, something broke. I just don't want to deal with them anymore. Part of me wants to pick up the phone. Another, just wants silence with them. Got a message from my mom today, basically saying - guilt, guilt, guilt, blame, blame, guilt, guilt. No empathy. No support. No reaching out to me. I always thought that reconciliation was the goal of all this mayhem in an addiction family. But now, I feel that this hope is gone... Bottom line - they can't love me, not if my brother is around. And I don't want to be around them if my ego has to take these hits all the time.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by woopsidaisy 
I am soooooo sick of being pummeled by my parents' comments on how selfish I am, or stubborn, or inflexible, or how I need to fix this, that, and the other. After 25 years of dealing with my brother's drug addiction, and my mother's die-hard insistence of enabling that addiction, I've distanced myself from it - or thought I had.
With 2 small children of my own, my spouse and I agreed that my brother was not welcome at our home until he was in recovery and had talked to me about his recovery. He has blamed me for the interference of the intervention 5 years ago, for continuing to talk to his ex-girlfriend (the mother of my nephew that my brother has lost all visiting rights to see), and a bunch of other things.
My parents took my brother to their home 2 years ago. They 'say' he's sober, but he's not had rehab, and my mother has always lied about how great he's doing. He goes to some therapist once a week, and I think an AA once a week. After decades of crack, cocaine, meth, alcohol, etc; numerous trips to the ER and hospital stays for overdosing; at least one arrest and one DUI; my intuition tells me that he's just going through the motions to appease my parents and get a place to stay, nice meals, a cell phone, and outings to the movies and ball games.
But now my parents want to visit with him in tow. And they are furious with me for saying 'no.' They've hung up on me, yelled at me, told me I need my head examined, and spouted all kinds of insults. They say that I'm the only one keeping our family separated.
Due to my insistence that my brother talk to me before any consideration could be made, I guess they talked him into it. My brother left a voicemail that was nice enough - but still never admitted to having an addiction, just to being sorry that things had gotten so bad and that he was seeing a therapist, and was hoping to get 'such-n-such' job soon. Same speech from the last 20 years.
After all these years, something broke. I just don't want to deal with them anymore. Part of me wants to pick up the phone. Another, just wants silence with them. Got a message from my mom today, basically saying - guilt, guilt, guilt, blame, blame, guilt, guilt. No empathy. No support. No reaching out to me. I always thought that reconciliation was the goal of all this mayhem in an addiction family. But now, I feel that this hope is gone... Bottom line - they can't love me, not if my brother is around. And I don't want to be around them if my ego has to take these hits all the time.
With 2 small children of my own, my spouse and I agreed that my brother was not welcome at our home until he was in recovery and had talked to me about his recovery. He has blamed me for the interference of the intervention 5 years ago, for continuing to talk to his ex-girlfriend (the mother of my nephew that my brother has lost all visiting rights to see), and a bunch of other things.
My parents took my brother to their home 2 years ago. They 'say' he's sober, but he's not had rehab, and my mother has always lied about how great he's doing. He goes to some therapist once a week, and I think an AA once a week. After decades of crack, cocaine, meth, alcohol, etc; numerous trips to the ER and hospital stays for overdosing; at least one arrest and one DUI; my intuition tells me that he's just going through the motions to appease my parents and get a place to stay, nice meals, a cell phone, and outings to the movies and ball games.
But now my parents want to visit with him in tow. And they are furious with me for saying 'no.' They've hung up on me, yelled at me, told me I need my head examined, and spouted all kinds of insults. They say that I'm the only one keeping our family separated.
Due to my insistence that my brother talk to me before any consideration could be made, I guess they talked him into it. My brother left a voicemail that was nice enough - but still never admitted to having an addiction, just to being sorry that things had gotten so bad and that he was seeing a therapist, and was hoping to get 'such-n-such' job soon. Same speech from the last 20 years.
After all these years, something broke. I just don't want to deal with them anymore. Part of me wants to pick up the phone. Another, just wants silence with them. Got a message from my mom today, basically saying - guilt, guilt, guilt, blame, blame, guilt, guilt. No empathy. No support. No reaching out to me. I always thought that reconciliation was the goal of all this mayhem in an addiction family. But now, I feel that this hope is gone... Bottom line - they can't love me, not if my brother is around. And I don't want to be around them if my ego has to take these hits all the time.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
I can see why you want to go 'no contact' with him. I'm sorry for the family fight going on because of your brother's addiction. 
I hope you can find some peace of mind and support. We also have a friends and family of substance abusers forum which you might find helpful. 
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
I hope you can find some peace of mind and support. We also have a friends and family of substance abusers forum which you might find helpful. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Hi Woopsydaisy, we have a family and friends forum on this site as well...
It is tough on everyone when someone in the family suffers from addiction..
I would just say something like 'This is not in my best interest at the moment".
Or 'This is not what is best for me.'
It will help set up some boundaries around your brother's issues and at the same time, it is still respectful towards him.
It is tough on everyone when someone in the family suffers from addiction..
I would just say something like 'This is not in my best interest at the moment".
Or 'This is not what is best for me.'
It will help set up some boundaries around your brother's issues and at the same time, it is still respectful towards him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi. Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through the pain of what brings you here, but glad you found us.
I would suggest posting this in the friends and family area of the forum, because so, so many people on there have been through this and may be able to offer support and advice.
I would suggest posting this in the friends and family area of the forum, because so, so many people on there have been through this and may be able to offer support and advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I don't blame you for being hesitant. Not only for your own well being but you have children of your own to worry about also.
If he was so in recovery and doing so well then he should have no problem picking up the phone and talking to you and answering any questions you might have. He is the one that was in the wrong back then and is still in the wrong right now. You matter and you have the right to set boundaries and demand respect.
If your parents want to belittle you and call names then they do not have to be invited into your home. Our homes are our "safe havens" and if they do not respect you or treat you how you should be treated then I wouldn't welcome them over either. Their extreme reaction to you wanting to speak to your brother and ensure he is in a half way decent place leans towards them covering up that he is not doing as well as they are claiming. If he is then what is there to hide?
Stick to your gut and do what is best for YOU and for YOUR family.
I know this is hard, HUGS
If he was so in recovery and doing so well then he should have no problem picking up the phone and talking to you and answering any questions you might have. He is the one that was in the wrong back then and is still in the wrong right now. You matter and you have the right to set boundaries and demand respect.
If your parents want to belittle you and call names then they do not have to be invited into your home. Our homes are our "safe havens" and if they do not respect you or treat you how you should be treated then I wouldn't welcome them over either. Their extreme reaction to you wanting to speak to your brother and ensure he is in a half way decent place leans towards them covering up that he is not doing as well as they are claiming. If he is then what is there to hide?
Stick to your gut and do what is best for YOU and for YOUR family.
I know this is hard, HUGS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Riverdale, Maryland
Posts: 5
Thank you for these replies. I will post to the family and friends forum that was suggested. But I'm still grateful for what you have said.
Tomsteve, I am heartbroken but hangin' in there. Thank you for asking. I want my family back, and that's the truth. And I'd just about do anything to get them back. Selling my jewelry to afford the intervention was well worth the possible hope. Would do more if it would actually help.
Addiction is evil stuff. It possessed my brother like a demon - just without the trademark horns and tail. But it's still like possession. My brother and I grew up together - with all the arguments of a brother and sister - but also with great times of play, co-conspiring, and adventure. In his soul is an amazing love for people and animals, a caring and nurturing heart, and a whimsical and joy-filled love for life. But addiction took him over. He still kinda looks like brother (not as healthy), and his voice sounds like my brother (though not in happy tones), but the lying, cheating, manipulating, self-entitled, rage-filled person that he has become is NOT my brother.
My parents are willing to sacrifice their lives to 'save' him. As a parent, I now understand that desire. So I can't blame them for so fearing that his 'rock bottom' would be death that they manage his life day-to-day in their home. Unfortunately, it can't save him because my brother needs to find the awesomeness of who he is from within. Enabling clouds that journey. Why look at the difficulties within when there is maintenance happening without? Addiction can stick around because it doesn't have to go away. And so he remains possessed by it.
I do blame my parents for not respecting or caring about my feelings and perceptions. The cruelty of their thoughts of me, of their conclusions about my motivations and wishes, and their coldness towards me - all cause me to second-guess myself. Am I really being selfish? Am I really responsible for keeping the family separated? Am I really not as love-able?
Need to get strength and wisdom back. Thanks for listening...
Tomsteve, I am heartbroken but hangin' in there. Thank you for asking. I want my family back, and that's the truth. And I'd just about do anything to get them back. Selling my jewelry to afford the intervention was well worth the possible hope. Would do more if it would actually help.
Addiction is evil stuff. It possessed my brother like a demon - just without the trademark horns and tail. But it's still like possession. My brother and I grew up together - with all the arguments of a brother and sister - but also with great times of play, co-conspiring, and adventure. In his soul is an amazing love for people and animals, a caring and nurturing heart, and a whimsical and joy-filled love for life. But addiction took him over. He still kinda looks like brother (not as healthy), and his voice sounds like my brother (though not in happy tones), but the lying, cheating, manipulating, self-entitled, rage-filled person that he has become is NOT my brother.
My parents are willing to sacrifice their lives to 'save' him. As a parent, I now understand that desire. So I can't blame them for so fearing that his 'rock bottom' would be death that they manage his life day-to-day in their home. Unfortunately, it can't save him because my brother needs to find the awesomeness of who he is from within. Enabling clouds that journey. Why look at the difficulties within when there is maintenance happening without? Addiction can stick around because it doesn't have to go away. And so he remains possessed by it.
I do blame my parents for not respecting or caring about my feelings and perceptions. The cruelty of their thoughts of me, of their conclusions about my motivations and wishes, and their coldness towards me - all cause me to second-guess myself. Am I really being selfish? Am I really responsible for keeping the family separated? Am I really not as love-able?
Need to get strength and wisdom back. Thanks for listening...
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