Dreamcatcher44

Romantic Relationships that have gone wrong cause obsessive thoughts to occur. It causes people to cling to situations that are unhealthy for them. (Including myself) So why do we do it?!! The common scenario starts like this. Something happens with spouse. We try helping/ fixing situation. Doesnt work. More bad things. Logically we should leave but we dont. We become frusterated. Our mind has this need to obsessively understand what happened. We go over every single detail again and again. But it doesnt add up. By keeping the object of chaos close to us we seek out more answers. However the addict continues doing what he/she does (using) and we cant seem to catch up from one trauma until we are hit with the next. And then the next. In the 3 days since ive been on here did i see a post where it was just one incident. But countless hurtful actions over and over again.

It made me think of torturing people. They stick them in a room. They dont allow them to sleep. They blast loud music all hours of the night and they subject them to countless horrors until they are so run down and disoriented that they dont know what day it is. Who they are. And thats what I liken my situation and those i read to. Life shifts suddenly and continues shifting and we cant seem to stabilize. The addict is the earthquake beneath us and we keep obsessing why the earth is breaking apart!! But thats when it hit me....it doesnt freaking matter!! People dont ask why an earthquake is happening! They just run for cover!!!

Our instincts have been so disoriented we dont do whats in our best interest. Not because we dont want to but because we literally beleive our world and their world (the addict) are one. Instead of running from the earthquake we try to stop it from cracking. Throwing dirt into crevices so deep it would take lifetimes to fill. We literally live on foundation that any second will give way. Which it does. Constantly and so unforgiving that it causes panic and fear so extreeme that we feel totally helpless. So what do we do after trying in vain to fight the earthquake? We cling to the only other person there for dear life in hopes it will stop! This is the moment when his problems become ur problems. When his survival and ur survival are dependant on eachother. We cling to our torturer. After all...we truly believe he controls the weather!! If he gets clean the world will peice itself back together again. Only this is the illusion that manipulation mind games play when exposed to constant torture.

Once u are finally able to find safe ground. Get some sleep and enough time has gone by without feeling the ground shake beneath u do u begin to see more clearly. ONLY then do u begin to orient yourself back and begin to see that his world and ur world are two completely different places. Run by two completely different set of rules. And while it may have seemed they were the same it was just the mind playing tricks on u. And thats expected. Extreeme circumstances cause people to no longer differentiate friend from foe. To be unable to seperate Man/woman from disease. They say a person who has been tortured will confess anything. And i will take it one step further. They will believe anything. But only with time and stability will they know the real way of things. And i cant wait for that day.

hopeful4

Dream...I absolutely love this. I've never quite heard it put this way before, but it is so amazingly true. It's wonderful you can recognize it now, and that you are making strides in the right direction. Tight hugs friend, thank you for sharing this!

Dreamcatcher44

Thanks hopeful. I kinda had an epiphany last night while reading posts about relationships with addicts. It was almost the same story over and over again. And a bell went off in my head. Haha. Trying to understand why im a glutton for punishment but we get so caught up sometimes that to look at things objectively is so hard. For those of u on here who have worked ur recovery and have gone no contact there is a peace that comes with distance. But from where they are and I am its a long way. And the only way to even begin getting better is stepping off the rollercoaster! Thanks for ur support. I wasnt sure if i should have posted it...but hey! Why not? Anonymity has its benefits! And I feel better. Have a great day!

hopeful4

I am glad you posted it, and I think others will benefit as well. You are right, the first big step is just stepping off the crazy train. Then, it's one step at a time. Sometimes easier than others, but ultimately, as long as you are moving in the right direction, that's all that matters. Sometimes it's a complete stand still, and that is OK too. It's really putting the mental work into your own recovery that will get you so far.

Many hugs!