Eauchiche

Dear Forum friends
Once again, I am asking you to share your experience,
strength and hope. My ex and I have been separated over 2 years now
( NC), and I have been abstinent from alcohol all that time.
Here is the situation:
Until the first of the year, I was hosting two small church groups in my home on a monthly basis. The lady in on of the groups showed up more than once, high on something. Two of the people in the other group are extremely stressful for me to be around. They are both over talkative.
A couple of months ago, something in me snapped, and now I just can't make myself resume those meetings. I feel that I have run out of patience and tolerance for those folks.
Do you folks have any experience of your own in this regard?
Many thanks!

teatreeoil007

I don't know your background story/history...does this have anything to do with your ex? If you are a recovering co-dependent, it's possible that your "tolerance level" for any BS is just very low; having been burned before...

Have you tried speaking directly and assertively with the people in question that you are losing patience with? It's your home; you make the rules, right? If you don't want people doped up on drugs in your home, you would not be out of line to confront that person, IMO. As for those who are overly talkative? If that is their baseline personality and nothing to do with being under the influence of something, then I don't know if those folks can change their behavior or if they would be willing to try...they might take suck offense and just put up their backs instead of being open to change. But, how do you tell someone, "I don't like to have you come to my home for meetings because you talk too much."

maia1234

Hey E,
IMO, I am sorry that you are still having issues with these people. I feel the same way you do about being around people who are high. I smell alcohol on peoples breath and it turns my stomach, and I seem to judge them. I don't want to do that, but this is where my recovery is and I am ok with that.

If these people bother you, don't engage. You don't make any positive comments about these meetings, so why continue to still meet up. There are many other people and groups that you can look for that might be "less" stressful. There might be an AA based church meeting that you could try and put together, then hopefully everyone would be sober.

Glad to hear you are 2 years NC, I am sure it still hurts, but just less. Hugs my friend, I miss your comments on f&f!!

SmallButMighty

I no longer have patience for being around people with substance abuse issues. I lived with AXH alcoholism and my codependance for far too long. I used up all my strength getting through that, I have none left for dealing with others.

My Dad passed away in December. In recent years, as I had been learning about alcoholism and codependance because of my then AH, I had distanced myself from my father. I still loved him but his alcoholism grated on me something fierce. To watch it destroying his health and his life.. AND what it was doing to my Mum was just something I did not want to be around any longer. A big part of my decision to leave XAH was that I did not want my life to end up the way my mother's had. It is sad to say that I don't feel bad about not spending much time with my father in his last couple years. I hated seeing what alcohol had done to a once robust and intelligent man.

My boyfriend has an alcoholic brother. I avoid contact with him as much as possible. He is not an evil person but being around him upsets me and causes my anxiety to flare up. He lies about being sober and tries to act like he hasn't been drinking. It is too much like the behaviour my XAH displayed and it's like I am suffering PTSD symptoms when I am around BF's brother. My BF is not happy with his brother's drinking either so we are on the same page about avoiding his as best we can.

I have several friends I no longer communicate with because their addictive behaviours are upsetting to me. I have removed myself from their circles so I don't have to witness it. I guess that means we aren't even friends anymore, which is sad. I still care about these people, but for my own peace of mind and well being I choose to stay away.

I think it is normal for those of us who have come out the other side of these troublesome relationships with alcoholics/addicts to not want to be around other people who are doing the same things that at one time drove us to drive ourselves crazy.

Thomas45

Your home and your faith should be sources of comfort for you, not sources of aggravation. I do not believe you should be expected to engage in an activity in your home that takes away from your serenity.

jada1981

I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to not be around people you don't enjoy. Perhaps you just need a bit of a break? Either way, choose serenity by surrounding yourself with people who add to it.

redatlanta

I agree you shouldn't be forcing yourself to be around people who annoy you, I assume though that some did not annoy you and that you enjoy the gathering on some level.

Here's the issue - in life we are going to be exposed or have to deal with people who annoy us. To a degree we can and should limit that, but you can't limit it all without limiting things you like to do. You can either cherry pick a group and continue on, or figure out a way to ignore those whom you don't like. Or, just not have your group meetings.

If someone annoys me I am pleasant and then move. Being around drunk people for me is a rarity . When I am it doesn't bother me. I'm not going to strike up a conversation beyond pleasantries for a minute.

I think tolerance is something that has to be learned and we all need it. Only you can define if this situation is a lack or YOUR tolerance, or a lack of THEIR manners, then proceed accordingly.

LifeRecovery

E-

I found as I started to get better that my definition of patience started to change.

I was SO tolerant previously because I did not think I had a right to my own opinions. I would apologize for my toe being in the way if someone stepped on it.

As I have gotten healthier I have realized I don't have to be that nice, tolerant and I do have a right to my opinion.

I had to go through a number of experiences like you are describing to understand what was mine, what was not mine, and finally where it was okay for me to draw my own line in the sand.

For me this happened in my work life first, then in my personal life. As it got "closer" to home it was more complicated for me.

To me it sounds like you are on the recovery path and working those rough edges out.

Eauchiche

Thanks so much to everyone!!!
On the nights I didn't have these meetings, I have been attending a church where the pastor and his wife are both double winners (AA and AlAnon). Many of the members are in AA. This has been a wonderful experience so far.
Thanks again for all your moral support, and perspectives. This is one of those times when I wish we could all meet face to face.

hopeful4

I definitely understand.

I was leadership at CR for quite a while. I had to back away from those duties, and this was part of the reason. I just could not quite tolerate all the group. That being said, there was/is an inner group that are wonderful people, but some of the other folks are just too much for me, and I found it to be ruining my own experience of what I should be getting out of it.

Eauchiche

If I was to confront the talkative woman/control freak in group #1, it would go like this:

"Jane, if I had to live with you, OH how I would drink!!!!!

FireSprite

I completely agree with LR on all points. The only thing I'd have to add *for me* is that I have to be careful that I don't go beyond intolerant and into Judgment.

I like how she calls it "working those rough edges out" - there were/are definitely times when I have to take a step back & dig a bit deeper for where a feeling like that is coming from. (Is it me, or them?)

But, I'm fairly intolerant of drunks/inappropriate inebriation all around; I find it easier to draw boundaries around something so obvious (to me now).... it's the other types of dysfunction/irritation where I find that I generally have to tread a little lighter while I figure it out.

Overall though, I am finding myself more likely to isolate vs choosing to attend a social disaster even if I'm bored & looking for something to do. A friend of mine kept inviting me to go to dinners/events with her whole crew from work & one of the girls just kept rubbing me more & more wrong every time with her passive aggressive way of throwing out snarky opinions & igniting fires in those around her. She's t.o.x.i.c. and I found that no matter how much I enjoyed the nights out, it just wasn't worth it. She always brought out a bad side in me no matter how prepared I felt going into the night.

LifeRecovery

It is interesting Eauchiche as I see other's response.

Right now I am working on/figuring out my stuff/others' stuff less around addiction to a substance and more around untreated co-dependent behaviors.

I have been thinking about a similar topic for a bit, have not posted on it yet, and my point is not to steal the thunder, but I think it is related.

I think many of my previous relationships I came into because my dis-ease complemented his/her dis-ease. It was a meeting of the minds so to speak, or in this case a meeting of illness. This worked for me for a long time.

These relationships allowed me to work on and through a lot of my stuff. The relationships are not the comfy fit they once were for me.....

I feel like the vulnerable sea creature that has shed his shell but has not yet grown a new one when it comes to relationships right now. Old patterns and relationships don't work. I don't quite know what to look for in new ones though. There is some fear mixed in also about being vulnerable, being hurt, asking for what I need etc.

I just wanted to say that for me this recovery has touched corners of my life that I did not expect it to, and has given me a new perspective on much more than the relationship that got me here. In some ways it is so expansive, which is usually wonderful, but at times that bigness scares me.

Thanks for the post, and allowing my share on a similar topic.

Eauchiche

Thanks again to all of you.

LifeRecovery, I thought through this process of terminating these meetings that, had this been in the future, hopefully these peoples' personalities would not have triggered me. Where I am right now, however, they were BIG triggers and I ended up obsessing for days.

One thing I learned through this, is that I was able to recognize where I am in my own recovery, and that I am still a work in progress. This is OKAY!!!! It is also okay to admit that I can't be around some folks.

By the way, "Jane" had two kids in drug rehab years ago. While I am fully aware of the three "C's" they use in AlAnon, I still suspect that untreated co-dependency can drive addictions in a family. In other words, I have known people who were so obnoxious, I couldn't deal with them if I was sober.

I think this is a weak link in some current or potential AlAnon members, who play the victim card while blaming their addicts for their unhappiness. All the while they ignore the fact that they are toxic, clingy, narcissistic black holes who suck the life out of everyone around them.

ardy

kiddo its called growing up.. and you just hit a mile stone... you are doing this in your home.... its your castle and no you don't have to put up with stuff in your home that upsets you... trust me.. prayers and hopes for a stonger today... ardy