Fior

So...I'm back....

I'm in month 3 of NC with my ex...
Things have been going really well. I like my new job (where he's not), and I'm grateful to be out of the horrific environment of my former job. Lots of good things going on in my actual career as well, which has been...well, good.

And then two weeks ago, I finished my shift and came upstairs to about 15 text messages from my former coworkers.
Apparently, my AXBF went out drinking (and other things, given the people he was with--he's a heroin addict) on a Thursday evening and failed to show up for his lunch shift on Friday. He was subsequently fired. (I'll also note that this happened pretty shortly after the one year anniversary of his release from rehab). No one has heard from him since.

But this is not about him.

Turthfully, I'm struggling a little bit. He's been on my mind more in the past two weeks than in the past two months.

I'm worried about him.
I unblocked his phone number for 24 hours in the event that he might reach out (he didn't). (And I reblocked it because, well, that may not be a good idea)
And I'm struggling with not reaching out to him and asking if he wants to talk.

I cannot imagine the unbelievable shame he's feeling. (But there I go again, worrying about his feelings instead of my own).

Can someone please help me with the humanity of all this? I've worked so hard and so very much do not want to head back down the rabbit hole of thinking about him and worrying about him/where he is/if he's safe. What do you all do?

AnvilheadII

if the former co-workers had not texted you with this info, you'd be blissfully unaware of HIS antics. not sure why they found it necessary to bother you with this....???

what is it you think YOU can do for HIM now? or what is it you wish would happen now? that he WOULD contact you? that you COULD go rescue him? that you could once again get sucked in to HIS addiction?

wish him well, in your head....turn him over the Universe...and get back to your regularly scheduling programming! and perhaps ask friends and acquaintances to STOP giving you unwanted updates??

hopeful4

The reality is, this is what happens to addicts. What would you be able to do about it even if he were to contact you, except to rob yourself of happiness and get sucked back in. I would tell your former coworkers that you have disengaged from all of this, and that it only hurts you to hear about this b/c there is NOTHING you can do.

I am not trying to sound callous, but these are the realities of living as an addict.

What you can do is remind yourself why this relationship was toxic, and keep moving forward to a positive place for YOU.

Many hugs.

zoso77

Talk about what, exactly? Why he gave himself permission to go get messed up on a Thursday, which led to his termination? What evidence is there that he'd be able to absorb anything you tell him?

Sure. He made a decision, and that decision led to consequences. That's how life works. Someone in active addiction or abstaining but not in recovery operates under the premise they should be able to do what they want without paying any price for it. Your AXBF just learned the hard way that's not how it goes.

You can worry about him all you want. You can want the best for him all you want. But you shouldn't allow your worries to influence your decision making. Your first order of business is to protect yourself and to live your life in a way that promotes emotional and mental well being and health. Reengaging with a sick person would uncut your well being and health. Ergo, don't go there.