How do u stay strong?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
How do u stay strong?
Sooo last night I broke NC. I was drinking a martini and listening to love songs and I had the overwhelming need to talk to my XBF. He answered and of course says that im equally responsible for our abusive relationship and that all his threats are empty and simply a "symptom of his disease." He proceeds to tell me how angry he is at me and how he gave up his daughter to be with me.
(Lets be clear. His daughter was born addicted to drugs by his ex gf who is an addict. She had to go to court ordered rehab to get custody. She still has feelings for him and he kept stringing her along the whole time we dated. He said he was doing it to keep his parental rights since he cant be in the state she lives in and she vouches for him. So when i said i had enough he told her and she supposedly "threw him under the bus" at court and he lost custody.)
This of course has NOTHING to do with me or my choices. But he keeps hitting on this and trying to say "i gave up my child for you. How can u not know that i love u?" Anyway. He had gotten arrested and has supervised release and has no way to make his appt. Which he kept saying and how he is going to jail. I had to go get cigarettes and he was literally in the parking lot right by the gas station so i saw him. I got him some food from the gas station. Smoked a cigarette with him. Gave him a hug and told him i loved him and ill miss him and then i left. Less then 5 min interaction time. Driving home I wasnt disappointed in myself but more let down in the current state he is in. I know I will be fine. Seeing him made me feel saddened how pathetic his life is bc his disease and leaving him there to sleep in a parking lot is surreal. I cant save him. Only he can.
So im back on NC again and had to confess my slip up bc I know it was a bad choice. Dangerous even. But reason sometimes gets clouded by emotion. And after all he has done to me I still care.
To all of u who has a loved one who is in active addiction. How do u stay strong dealing with an addict? For those of u going NC...How do u continue NC and keep urself away while knowing ur family/spouse is suffering? My XBF said his bag with all his clothes was stolen. He was wearing the same clothes from 4 days ago. He is literally 5 min away from me. I feel so confused and any advice on how u cope would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
(Lets be clear. His daughter was born addicted to drugs by his ex gf who is an addict. She had to go to court ordered rehab to get custody. She still has feelings for him and he kept stringing her along the whole time we dated. He said he was doing it to keep his parental rights since he cant be in the state she lives in and she vouches for him. So when i said i had enough he told her and she supposedly "threw him under the bus" at court and he lost custody.)
This of course has NOTHING to do with me or my choices. But he keeps hitting on this and trying to say "i gave up my child for you. How can u not know that i love u?" Anyway. He had gotten arrested and has supervised release and has no way to make his appt. Which he kept saying and how he is going to jail. I had to go get cigarettes and he was literally in the parking lot right by the gas station so i saw him. I got him some food from the gas station. Smoked a cigarette with him. Gave him a hug and told him i loved him and ill miss him and then i left. Less then 5 min interaction time. Driving home I wasnt disappointed in myself but more let down in the current state he is in. I know I will be fine. Seeing him made me feel saddened how pathetic his life is bc his disease and leaving him there to sleep in a parking lot is surreal. I cant save him. Only he can.
So im back on NC again and had to confess my slip up bc I know it was a bad choice. Dangerous even. But reason sometimes gets clouded by emotion. And after all he has done to me I still care.
To all of u who has a loved one who is in active addiction. How do u stay strong dealing with an addict? For those of u going NC...How do u continue NC and keep urself away while knowing ur family/spouse is suffering? My XBF said his bag with all his clothes was stolen. He was wearing the same clothes from 4 days ago. He is literally 5 min away from me. I feel so confused and any advice on how u cope would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I will say that counseling with a counselor who helps families with addiction and Celebrate Recovery, combined with the fine people here at SR is what got me through.
I had to get enough education and learn to be good with ME. To realize I don't need to be with another person to be happy. To get to a place to get through all the issues and come out on the other side liking the person I am and knowing that I deserve a good life, not a life with an addict, and all the trauma that brings.
You punished yourself by calling him. You know it, you realize it. Eventually, the pain of speaking with him will be a harsh reminder, and you won't want that anymore. Not that you want it now, but you will remember that pain, and it will deter you from picking up the phone again.
I speak to my X about our children ONLY. Anytime he veers off the path and wants to talk about things about us, I shut it down. There is no us. The person he was is gone, who he is right now is who he is, and I know no amount of wishing or me sitting around thinking about it is going to bring that other person back. They are one in the same.
I remember every single day that no matter what happens to him, he has brought that on to himself by his own bad choices. Bad choices lead to bad outcomes. I had to break away from that for my own self and my children because we deserve more out of life.
Be strong. It gets better. It's grief just like a death, and you have to give yourself time to get through that.
Hugs to you.
I had to get enough education and learn to be good with ME. To realize I don't need to be with another person to be happy. To get to a place to get through all the issues and come out on the other side liking the person I am and knowing that I deserve a good life, not a life with an addict, and all the trauma that brings.
You punished yourself by calling him. You know it, you realize it. Eventually, the pain of speaking with him will be a harsh reminder, and you won't want that anymore. Not that you want it now, but you will remember that pain, and it will deter you from picking up the phone again.
I speak to my X about our children ONLY. Anytime he veers off the path and wants to talk about things about us, I shut it down. There is no us. The person he was is gone, who he is right now is who he is, and I know no amount of wishing or me sitting around thinking about it is going to bring that other person back. They are one in the same.
I remember every single day that no matter what happens to him, he has brought that on to himself by his own bad choices. Bad choices lead to bad outcomes. I had to break away from that for my own self and my children because we deserve more out of life.
Be strong. It gets better. It's grief just like a death, and you have to give yourself time to get through that.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think i'd start by not mixing martinis and sappy love songs.....talk about setting yourself up!!!!
you stay no contact because however much you may care for this man, he is BAD NEWS for you. toxic, dangerous, violent. and still blaming you for EVERYTHING. that he is out on the streets is the result of HIS choices and HIS actions. he is not helpless, he has other options.
to be honest, he sounds like a total low life. with nothing good or positive or healthy to bring to your precious life. perhaps he brought a level of excitement (chaos, fear, panic) but those aren't GOOD things.....
you stay no contact because however much you may care for this man, he is BAD NEWS for you. toxic, dangerous, violent. and still blaming you for EVERYTHING. that he is out on the streets is the result of HIS choices and HIS actions. he is not helpless, he has other options.
to be honest, he sounds like a total low life. with nothing good or positive or healthy to bring to your precious life. perhaps he brought a level of excitement (chaos, fear, panic) but those aren't GOOD things.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Ur right Anvilhead. I totally set myself up and I dont know why I did it. When i refused to take blame for his problems. He did say he wasnt mad at me. That hes mad at himself and its not my fault. He just needs help and that all success stories have someone close to the addict who rescues them. And without support he wont make it. When he was clean he brought stability and support to my life. We were a partnership and once the relapse happened thats when it got out of control. I know who he was is gone but like hopeful4 said..its like a death. Except they are the walking dead. And u can see them and talk to them but they can bite u at any moment.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
They can only bite you if you open yourself up to being bitten. He is trying to put his recovery on you. In reality, to obtain sobriety, YOU have to be willing to do whatever it takes, every single day, for the rest of your life. No one can do it for you or will you to do it. It's his own responsibility, just like your own mental health is your own. Protect yourself from this conversation, it will only hurt yourself.
Hugs. Saying this out of kindness...and experience.
Hugs. Saying this out of kindness...and experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Ur right hopeful4. I have already been so hurt by him and I have done more then my share to help him out of this hole he has dug for himself. Im not this person...im not someone who allows this behavior. The fact that I have makes me mad at myself more then anything. I know his sobriety is on him. The only way to go from here is NC. And each day i set myself up for success by not getting sucked in by the drama. Is another day ill feel better about myself. Thank u for ur advice and for sharing ur story. I can only imagine having kids with him and am proud of u for staying strong. Hugs to u.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You have been through so very much. I encourage you to reach out for help from people who understand. You have went through major trauma, and DESERVE healing, calm, and sanity in your life. Reach for that and strive for that each day.
Tight hugs to you. We are always here for you!
Tight hugs to you. We are always here for you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
How did I stay strong? Easy: I chose to.
My case was a bit more cut-and-dried, though; my AXGF left me for another addict and confessed to multiple infidelities on her way out the door. Based on that, I was done with her. There was no scenario where I wanted her back. There was no scenario where I wanted her in my life in any form. So I told myself I was done, and I rode out the ensuring storm.
You don't fully appreciate what calm is until it visits you. When my AXGF was in the picture, there was no peace...no calm...just carnage, drama, and nonsense. When she was gone, I found peace. I embraced my freedom. And I haven't looked back.
Regarding listening to love songs...
When I hear...oh, "Let's Wait Awhile" by Janet Jackson, that reminds me of my first true love from high school. We've recently reconnected, and those memories are sweet, they're pure, and they make me smile. And I'd be willing to be that when she hears "Stairway to Heaven", she thinks of me.
There are other songs I need to stay the hell away from in order for me to be safe. They are numerous, and they are dangerous for me. If you're like me and music is a trigger, you may want to avoid songs that put you in a vulnerable place.
My case was a bit more cut-and-dried, though; my AXGF left me for another addict and confessed to multiple infidelities on her way out the door. Based on that, I was done with her. There was no scenario where I wanted her back. There was no scenario where I wanted her in my life in any form. So I told myself I was done, and I rode out the ensuring storm.
You don't fully appreciate what calm is until it visits you. When my AXGF was in the picture, there was no peace...no calm...just carnage, drama, and nonsense. When she was gone, I found peace. I embraced my freedom. And I haven't looked back.
Regarding listening to love songs...
When I hear...oh, "Let's Wait Awhile" by Janet Jackson, that reminds me of my first true love from high school. We've recently reconnected, and those memories are sweet, they're pure, and they make me smile. And I'd be willing to be that when she hears "Stairway to Heaven", she thinks of me.
There are other songs I need to stay the hell away from in order for me to be safe. They are numerous, and they are dangerous for me. If you're like me and music is a trigger, you may want to avoid songs that put you in a vulnerable place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Zoso77. Music is def a trigger. Me and my XABF would listen to music all day long. He'd send me songs to communicate his feelings. Im a writer and lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. Its sweet that u and ur highschool sweetheart have reconnected. Like u said the innocence of pure love outside of addiction is something to be treasured. Its hard to think of my life before my X but it exists and maybe finding music from that time will pump me up for my future instead of stew in unhealthy feelings. Im sorry ur X hurt u in such a heartless way. But it seems u are thriving in her absence and i hope to say the same.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher44 
Zoso77. Music is def a trigger. Me and my XABF would listen to music all day long. He'd send me songs to communicate his feelings. Im a writer and lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. Its sweet that u and ur highschool sweetheart have reconnected. Like u said the innocence of pure love outside of addiction is something to be treasured. Its hard to think of my life before my X but it exists and maybe finding music from that time will pump me up for my future instead of stew in unhealthy feelings. Im sorry ur X hurt u in such a heartless way. But it seems u are thriving in her absence and i hope to say the same.
Stay safe. Don't indulge yourself with music that way until you've got some healing under your belt.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
with the passing of my Father in Law Charlie.. kids and beans it has been tough rough and the road to hard at times.... Nancy has said out right she does not want to hear from me.. so end that little alley of tears dark thoughts and so much family.. Sister Patty and hubby Bill screamed at Ed (my hubby) that I was not to call her anymore.. end that little pity party right there... and my Hubby well when he does take his new med for depression and stress he is balanced .. does not take it and he is pacing and growling and nasty nasty nasty.... me.... oh Mother Mc Cree could I just curl up in a bottle and disappear.... but I won't for that will not help anything... I did do a tiny bit of Captain Morgan with coke cacola for the Derby race.. and almost choked on my dinner in a bad sallow of food.. so even that is gone gone gone.. and when I mean tiny kids its a drop and that was all.. but nope not even that anymore... how do I stay strong.. cry in private a lot.. Blue Star Moms do that you know.. go through a ton of old photos found one of my Melanie in her wedding dress from 1997.... and you know I sobbed into my pillow.. but she is ok get this kids.. for 3 weeks she has been on business in London England home last night to pack and get Miss kitty sitting with a lady that is her next door neighbor.. why cause she is off to the Bahamas for working training. hahahahahaha she works so hard.. hey love to you all Stay strong and prayers ardy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher44
Sooo last night I broke NC. I was drinking a martini and listening to love songs and I had the overwhelming need to talk to my XBF. He answered and of course says that im equally responsible for our abusive relationship and that all his threats are empty and simply a "symptom of his disease." He proceeds to tell me how angry he is at me and how he gave up his daughter to be with me.
(Lets be clear. His daughter was born addicted to drugs by his ex gf who is an addict. She had to go to court ordered rehab to get custody. She still has feelings for him and he kept stringing her along the whole time we dated. He said he was doing it to keep his parental rights since he cant be in the state she lives in and she vouches for him. So when i said i had enough he told her and she supposedly "threw him under the bus" at court and he lost custody.)
This of course has NOTHING to do with me or my choices. But he keeps hitting on this and trying to say "i gave up my child for you. How can u not know that i love u?" Anyway. He had gotten arrested and has supervised release and has no way to make his appt. Which he kept saying and how he is going to jail. I had to go get cigarettes and he was literally in the parking lot right by the gas station so i saw him. I got him some food from the gas station. Smoked a cigarette with him. Gave him a hug and told him i loved him and ill miss him and then i left. Less then 5 min interaction time. Driving home I wasnt disappointed in myself but more let down in the current state he is in. I know I will be fine. Seeing him made me feel saddened how pathetic his life is bc his disease and leaving him there to sleep in a parking lot is surreal. I cant save him. Only he can.
So im back on NC again and had to confess my slip up bc I know it was a bad choice. Dangerous even. But reason sometimes gets clouded by emotion. And after all he has done to me I still care.
To all of u who has a loved one who is in active addiction. How do u stay strong dealing with an addict? For those of u going NC...How do u continue NC and keep urself away while knowing ur family/spouse is suffering? My XBF said his bag with all his clothes was stolen. He was wearing the same clothes from 4 days ago. He is literally 5 min away from me. I feel so confused and any advice on how u cope would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
(Lets be clear. His daughter was born addicted to drugs by his ex gf who is an addict. She had to go to court ordered rehab to get custody. She still has feelings for him and he kept stringing her along the whole time we dated. He said he was doing it to keep his parental rights since he cant be in the state she lives in and she vouches for him. So when i said i had enough he told her and she supposedly "threw him under the bus" at court and he lost custody.)
This of course has NOTHING to do with me or my choices. But he keeps hitting on this and trying to say "i gave up my child for you. How can u not know that i love u?" Anyway. He had gotten arrested and has supervised release and has no way to make his appt. Which he kept saying and how he is going to jail. I had to go get cigarettes and he was literally in the parking lot right by the gas station so i saw him. I got him some food from the gas station. Smoked a cigarette with him. Gave him a hug and told him i loved him and ill miss him and then i left. Less then 5 min interaction time. Driving home I wasnt disappointed in myself but more let down in the current state he is in. I know I will be fine. Seeing him made me feel saddened how pathetic his life is bc his disease and leaving him there to sleep in a parking lot is surreal. I cant save him. Only he can.
So im back on NC again and had to confess my slip up bc I know it was a bad choice. Dangerous even. But reason sometimes gets clouded by emotion. And after all he has done to me I still care.
To all of u who has a loved one who is in active addiction. How do u stay strong dealing with an addict? For those of u going NC...How do u continue NC and keep urself away while knowing ur family/spouse is suffering? My XBF said his bag with all his clothes was stolen. He was wearing the same clothes from 4 days ago. He is literally 5 min away from me. I feel so confused and any advice on how u cope would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
And I keep busy. Very busy. Went back to school. Applied to renew my passport and my kids passports, with G-d's help we will be off to my home country this year to visit my family, gym, healthy things, sleep, BUSY with life. He can't live without his heroin, but I can and I will live a happy life without him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
You do have to make an effort to avoid triggers. But once you get to the point where you see the reality of your situation, it becomes much easier. I am finally seeing clearly now, and I can't believe how much more peaceful my life is without my STBXH. Really, I can't believe what I put up with! Finally, our front yard is no longer a trash heap- I was never allowed to get rid of his trash, he was always going to get to it "one day". I painted the exterior of my house 3 times and then finally gave up- he was always seeing "imperfections" after I painted, which he would patch but never texture and paint over. I look forward to doing one last paint job this week- one which I know will be the last for many years.
Living with an addict is insanity, but we get used to it. Then when they're gone for a while, we get used to peace- and find it is so, so much better! It's amazing to think how much I ached for him not too long ago- and now I'm just reveling in this life without him.
You will get there when you're ready- and you can speed the process along by doing all the things you always wanted to, but he prevented you from doing.
Living with an addict is insanity, but we get used to it. Then when they're gone for a while, we get used to peace- and find it is so, so much better! It's amazing to think how much I ached for him not too long ago- and now I'm just reveling in this life without him.
You will get there when you're ready- and you can speed the process along by doing all the things you always wanted to, but he prevented you from doing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He just needs help and that all success stories have someone close to the addict who rescues them.
We can’t rescue people from themselves. That fixer mentality is fantasy like and codependent….the thought process goes something like this…………if I can fix him I will be loved rather than abused. If I can just get the drugs/booze out of the picture then he will love me and we will have that happily ever after.
Fixers sacrifice themselves for others and they get into relationships where they are taken advantage of.
We should work towards it being ok to fix things but accepting that people are not one of them.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
