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Girlfriend left

Old 05-08-2016, 07:01 AM
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Girlfriend left

Y girlfriend has stayed out the last 3 nights and I've been on my own. She said she's had enough of waiting for me to go out and about and do stuff with her and she's fed up because I have t kept my side of the bargain so she says.

She was asking me to leave the other day and I said I wasn't prepared to as my daughter would be wondering what was going on and I was the one who had to leave in the last relationship that went wrong.

I do t get why I have to leave and let her live in our house when she is the one so unhappy. Why should I have to leave my own home.

I'm not a bad person and I haven't done anything of note like cheated or been aggressive or hard to live with particularly since I quit drinking over 1.5 years ago so I think it's unfair her asking me to leave.

As far as I know she is at her mums house at the minute and I haven't really heard much, she has ignored messages over the last few days as I have tried to get in touch

I'm basically giving space and time and not getting in touch now, it was her who initiated the break off not me, I need to focus on myself at the minute because I had a big blip on Friday and nearly drank . Not saying all this is an excuse to drink by the way I know it's not but I am a bit lonely and upset about the situation. She hasn't said what will make it better if anything.

Am I doing the right thing here?
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Stewy84 View Post
. She hasn't said what will make it better if anything.
Stewy, I do think your girlfriend has said what will make the situation better. I think she's told you she'd like to go out more and do things and have an active life. And, I think she feels like that's not happening. If that's something that you don't want, then you have every right to stay at home and relax or do things around the house. Sometimes it's hard for couples to come together over lifestyle issues like that. It's not your fault and it's not her fault. It just is.

I'm sorry that you're feeling down and I hope that you can find some peace in your life.
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:39 AM
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What do you mean by go out and about and do stuff? Does she mean just having a more active life like Anna mentioned or going out to places with alcohol?
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:41 AM
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From what you are saying, it sounds like a good attitude in your current situation. Finding and maintaining a lifestyle that works for both parties of a couple is always challenging and this is especially true for a domestic relationship. There always has to be compromises on both sides but it's not a good idea to give up basic needs for anyone. I think it's quite rare that two people's need for the type and dosage of activities and socializing would match precisely.

It sounds like your girlfriend has been patient with you but if she wants to have a more active lifestyle with her partner involved, she probably did the right thing for her otherwise she would deprive herself of her needs. And yes, it's good to give some space, probably not only to her but also to yourself, to re-evaluate your needs and what sort of lifestyle you would like for yourself.

For example, I would never mix well with a partner who wanted me to participate in a large social life all the time. I do love to go out and explore the many opportunities my environment provides, but not all the time and definitely not with large groups of people or groups that are changing all the time. I'm bringing this up as an example because my last (relatively brief) relationship before the current one ended mostly based of this type of incompatibility. I never regretted and now have a partner whose social needs are different in many ways from mine, but we both respect each-others' choices and can find what we want also independently from each-other, with our respective mates or alone.

Another thing I thought of reading your post is whether your lifestyle of choice is truly the one you like and suits you, or it reflects some form of withdrawal that is not always healthy for you (I remember some of your posts about depression, for example).

It's not entirely clear from your post whether you are staying in a home that you own together or it's hers primarily? I think I would never stay in someone else's place refusing to leave, or solve it by their having to leave, it would be very much in opposition with my basic values. But I never moved in to anyone else's home and was always the one who left a shared place when we decided to separate, I am quite territorial and individualistic and may not be a good representative case.

Whatever the case, drinking will certainly not improve it in any form, as you know well I think. I would say give it some time and see if the separation is definitive. In that case, I am sure you would be able to find a new partner whose lifestyle choices are compatible with yours and less dependent upon outside activities.
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Stewy84 View Post

my daughter would be wondering what was going on and I was the one who had to leave in the last relationship that went wrong.

I do t get why I have to leave and let her live in our house when she is the one so unhappy. Why should I have to leave my own home.
You mention our home and also that it is your home ?
No one has to leave their (own) home unless ordered by the courts.
These matters can be very hard on our sobriety.
Keeping sobriety #1 at this time is of most importance.
I feel for you for I have been through these same things.
I did the wrong thing and drank once -- you don't want to do that.
Yes, it made matters much worst and in a very short time.
Bob
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:52 AM
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This is a tough one have you two ever had mediation ?
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Old 05-08-2016, 09:19 AM
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Depends on whose house it is- if it's hers or she lived there first and you moved in; then you should probably move out.
If you had to move out in your last relationship too- I think you should just live on your own instead of moving in with partners xo
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Old 05-08-2016, 10:43 AM
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I'm not a bad person and I haven't done anything of note like cheated or been aggressive or hard to live with particularly since I quit drinking over 1.5 years ago so I think it's unfair her asking me to leave.


It's hard to give advice or thoughts based on the small amount of information I know about you. I think you are very smart to consider your child's reaction to a move. She needs to be at the top when considering your options.

My husband left after I quit drinking. Which seems so backwards! I wondered for a long time if he'd just gotten fed up and sobering up had just come too late in the game. But, it seems he liked the drunk me better than the sober me. Maybe she can't handle the new and improved you. I hesitate to say that out as you don't want to drink to please her.
My best to you. If you've been together a while, some heart to heart talking may help.
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:13 PM
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She's just come back everyone shouting and swearing at me calling me a selfish ****. This isn't a very nice place to be I think she is trying to force me out.

I joint own this house why should I leave
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:24 PM
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Sometimes relationships just end even under the best of circumstances.

If you joint own the home I guess one of you will have to buy the other one out or it will have to be sold and you each will get half and both of you will have to move.

I am sorry that things are rough right now, focus on your sobriety first, your daughter's well being second, and your own wishes third.

If you aren't sober then you can't be there for your daughter and won't be equipped to handle the situation. If things get too loud and vulgar please make sure your daughter is not within hearing distance, I don't know her age but obv. your girlfriend is not worried about anything but herself.
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:29 PM
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Whatever she says do not engage your doing the right thing reaching out
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Old 05-08-2016, 04:55 PM
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I hope you can work it out Stewy. My focus in all of this would be my daughter.

D
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Old 05-08-2016, 05:02 PM
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I hope you can come to a fair arrangement. It's not worth drinking over.
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