soberaccountant

I don't feel all that good today. Took my bicycle out for a spin and ride around town a bit. I went to a meeting and walked over to Starbucks after for a coffee. I've been trying to enjoy this beautiful day outside but I've been feeling so down on myself. I haven't eaten anything yet either, I don't feel hungry at all. I know I should probably eat and go to the gym but can't seem to muster the strength to do it.

My thoughts are just filled with worriness and sadness. I'm trying to focus on today but keep finding myself terrified of what's ahead for me. How and when will I ever get my life back in order? I get tired of being told I am young and that I have many years ahead of me. I'm getting older and I'm watching this world pass me by as I deal and struggle with the consequences of my stupidity. I'm worried about life and opportunities ahead that I may not be able to get.

Quite honestly I don't know what I should be thinking or feeling. I'm trying to focus on today but today just feels sad. I'm at other peoples mercy and don't have any control of my own life right now.

Saskia

I'm sorry you don't feel very good today. It sounds like having something healthy to eat would be a good thing to do in any case. If you can get out of your own head and help someone else, that might leave you feeling better. Have you ever tried a gratitude list? I know that can sound silly when you are feeling down but there is a chance it might help a bit.

soberaccountant

I've tried adding to my ongoing list today, but haven't been able to think of anything today. I read what I've written before but my mind is making me think everything opposite of what I have written before. So I put it away with hope it will help me again another day.

Saskia

Sorry that didn't help. I do hope you'll get something to eat and that you will keep posting. We care! Someone else may have a suggestion that may feel just right for you today.

soberaccountant

Don't be sorry. I know you all care, it's why I keep coming back here. I don't have many other outlets or people to talk to. Writing here genuinely helps.

Dharma33

Sorry you are feeling down today. Sometimes it just happens, and tomorrow is another day. Even if you don't feel much like eating, maybe a smoothie or milkshake? Just some calories and a sugar boost might help. Glad you posted.

soberaccountant

Thanks Dharma. I feel I annoy everyone on here with my postings sometimes.

ALinNS

We are here to help in any way we can, sorry you are down, I know the first few weeks I had a heck of a time and this is the time to reach out which I am happy you are doing. Have you considered taking in an AA meeting tonight? I do not push AA however I know getting out and attending a meeting has helped me a lot and I did a quick Google and there are meetings in your area this evening or maybe just call their hot line, sometimes someone to talk to in person or on the phone makes a very big difference.

Andrew

soberaccountant

Hey Andrew,

I went to one earlier today already. I might consider going to another one tonight if I can get there...I don't have a license to drive these days and don't like riding my bicycle at night. I miss my freedom.

Dime

Don't know if this is an ongoing problem for you or if it is just a bad day. I had a lot of bad days during my first year but as time passed I continued to improve. If it's an ongoing problem a PDoc may be able to help. Hope things improve for you soon.

soberaccountant

I don't think a shrink who is crazier than me is going to help. I don't trust doctors, I despise them. Part of me believes they kill more people than they help, but appreciate the suggestion.

Delilah1

Hello,

Sorry you are feeling down today. Sometimes a change of scenery helps, can you go for a walk? If not, is there a favorite show you can binge watch, or a good book?

If not, keep posting on here. Lots of great posts and wonderful people always here to respond.

Sending good thoughts your way.

❤️ Delilah

MissPerfumado

Please don't feel like you're annoying anyone by posting - we are all helping each other through sobriety here and to achieve a happier, stronger sobriety too.

I've followed your story and can see you have been actively trying to adopt a positive and proactive stance towards the challenges you're facing but can't help having feelings of self pity or worry for the future. That's all understandable to a degree.

However I think the underlying reason for your resentment at your current situation is that you feel it was bad luck more than anything that you are facing your legal issues now. If you hadn't been caught you would be on your merry way to the career you'd been pursuing and that would be that. It was just that one night and why did you have to be caught that one night ... and now have your brilliant career in jeopardy before it's even properly started.

I am also a professional but a few years older than you, in my forties. I underperformed throughout my career due to alcohol. There is no doubt in my mind that the trajectory of my career with drinking vs what it could have been sober shows a substantial gap between the two. The problem worsened as my alcoholism progressed. I'm only now catching up again to my potential but I have fewer years left to do this. You on the other hand may have obstacles to face now but have the chance to make strong steady gains for all the years to come.

There are many opportunities that come up through a person's career that can take you places if you seize them ... and then make the most of them. It's the latter that ultimately counts. Your history is not going to stop those opportunities from coming your way. It wouldn't have stopped those that I had. But alcoholism will prevent you from really capitalising on them. It did for me.

Having said all that, a successful career is not the most important ingredient for a happy life. I'm really happy now even if I didn't kick all of the big goals in my career. And sobriety makes me the happiest I've ever been.

However if your career is what you're concerned about then believe me when I say that getting and heeding a wake up call about drinking now is the best career boost you will have in the long run.

KrisDB

Wow, I was stuck by how your day seems to resemble mine--riding a bike (helps my anxiety and it's good for me) going to Starbucks (decaf and to get out and just do something around others) and poor feelings.

Have you been sober long? I'm just past 90 days and a lot of what I'm dealing with appears to be PAWS--it very much affects my assessment of my situation when it hits (very pessimistic, rewrites my past, clouds the future) but when it passes I find that my thinking clears and I have a more realistic and manageable view of my situation and prospects for recovery.

Does this sort of thing just appear and take over?

Steely

I know how you feel SoberAccountant. Yesterday I did go out for a look around and it really did help. Surprised me, actually. Just got out in the fresh air and had coffee with the newspaper.

This morning I am doing same, because I find if I just sit ruminating everything appears so much more bleak. I really do believe that things improve with time.

Anna

I think that you have to dig deep right now and search for things that make you feel good about yourself.

Try getting involved in some kind of volunteer work. Get outside of your head, get involved in something you care about and give back to your community. Volunteer work saved my life when all I could think about was how badly I had messed up my life.

Eagle108

Very wise words. I am at the apex of my profession and it hurts just as much no where you are on the totem pole in the work environment. We are all alcoholics with a drinking problem that is unmanageable...being an alcoholic is not discriminatory and treats us all the same in the end until we get sober.

Dee74

we live our lives one day at a time SA. We rebuild it the same way. I know it is hard to let go of what happened when you have legal matters over your head, but try to accept that what';s done is done - there's nothing you can do to change any of that.

There's a lot you can do with your today tho. Anna's volunteering idea is brilliant - it really helped me get out of my own head and my own self pity.

Take it easy on yourself. You're much more than the things you did as a drinker

D

serious

we all have bad days... but we can start fresh every time we wake up.
sober, drunk, poor, rich. we all feel the same emotions.
there is no person out there who doesn't feel sad sometimes. or down. or lonely...

to achieve complete contentedness, is probably something of a dream for the vast majority of people .. save for maybe a few very wise individuals.

but we have everything we need to deal with the ebb and flow of every day life.

in sobriety i came to understand that alcohol is not one of those "things". in the days of complete despair (and i have those as many others)... i used to reach for liquor, now having to ride out a few dark moment sober i realize how naive, but not necessarily weak, i was into fooling myself that alcohol would allow me to escape.

if you feel "stuck" try meditation. youtube a few minute intro, breathe a little and see where that takes you.
if you are looking for natural.. not pills, not doctor-driven recovery then train your mind "muscle" like you would your actual muscles.
there are many ways to focus your mind from sports to gardening, to reading.. but meditation is unique because it requires you to do only thing... nothing. it's a major challenge, it's not about making something happen it's about disconnecting from your emotions and not getting so entangled with them because you and your feelings are two different beings.

we often refer to that Alcoholic Voice as a strong driving force that makes us do really crazy things.. i know i've done a few. but i also know that it's not me. i tried to control it. that failed.
but instead i learned to live with it. perhaps be at peace with it.
sadness, worry, anxiety.. all those feelings are something that make up all of us; we can learn to be at peace with them, and let them be.
... but acceptance doesn't mean inaction.

teatreeoil007

Poor appetite is common in early sobriety... But you really need to eat something.... Not eating could make you feel worse... Is there someone to help you get something to eat if you can't do it?