Lightning Bug

I have an addictive personality. I find something I like and I live it, breathe it and obsess over it. Until I am either done with it myself or forced to quit. Quitting obsessions has always been easy for me. By 30 days my obsession is gone. This has been true for every addiction I have had. Sometimes I relapse, but it is usually a quick relapse, some I have buried for good.

What has consistent with the quitting of an addiction is the addition of a new one. Every single one has always been replaced by something.

It started with sports when I was a kid. I played competitively in many different sports. Then I got injured. I replaced that with food. No exercise and obsessively eating got me fat. Then I decided - no more compulsive eating. How to lose the weight? I decided bulimia was the answer. For a full year I was addicted to the thrill of eating what I wanted while losing weight. Then I lost interest in that when I was hospitalized with syncope (couldn't stay upright). I decided no more eating disorder - I was thin enough. Any more weight loss and I would look sick. I am 6 ft tall - Amazon girl - skinny isn't sexy it is sickly. So I stopped, but with anxiety. Anxiety can be controlled, my Mom told me. Here, try this Xanax. That was 2005. I was 32 years old and Xanax was the first drug I was introduced to. It became, and remains to this day, my drug of choice.

I quickly decided Xanax was what I wanted to obsess over. I had normal anxiety but was able to convince my GP it was crippling and soon I had a refillable prescription. I spent a good year with a mind numb. I obsessed over days without a prescription. I counted hours until doctor appointments. I began using my thirty day supply in days. Xanax led to my first 72 hour hold and my first divorce.

I am not a doctor shopper, though, so I started to lose interest when I couldn't get it. I also am not one to hit the streets looking for it. That seemed so pathetic to me. So I quit and turned my focus on to these little green pills my mom would give me when my teeth hurt. (I destroyed my teeth with bulimia -all of my teeth are crowned now). My Mom. My drug pusher. The little pills were Oxycodone. And she threw them at me the second I said anything hurt. She had a bottle of 180 of them. Did I mention she was addicted and in pain management? We live in FL. Everyone knows all about pain management clinics in FL. You could practically write your own prescription.

So I started obsessing over little green pills. She gave them to me, but then I just started taking them. She didn't care. She ignored it. She was my pusher and my enabler. Abuse of Oxy was so easy when it was so easy to get. I visited my mom for the sole reason to get pills. I am sure she loved the visits, maybe that is why she never put a stop to it.

Continuing in next post. Don't want to lose this one.

Lightning Bug

So it is now 2010, I am married to my second husband and I have two kids. Babies. And I am abusing Oxycodone. That pill made me feel like SuperMom. I got stuff done. I was on top of things. I took care of my household and my elderly parents. I never thought I would give that up. Then one day I said I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live with stealing my mom's pills. I am not an *******, why am I acting like one?

So I made an appointment with my doctor and got back on Xanax. It was my crippling anxiety, remember? That same day I gave up Oxycodone. Soon the obsession was the mind-numbing effects of a benzo. And I lived for it.

But Xanax started to do to my second marriage what it did to my first. It was obvious to me that I was repeating history. Logically I knew I had to stop or I would end up divorced. So I started drinking. It was legal and I could get it whenever I went to the grocery. No waiting weeks for a doctor appointment or for when Walgreens allowed a refill.

Bud lite lime was my new obsession. It seemed so innocent. My husband drank, I was just another adult drinking. I was 38 years old and I just discovered drinking. Soon it was a six -eight pack binge every weekend. Then it was a twelve pack every weekend and once a week. Then every other day. I didn't pay much attention - I was getting drunk and enjoying no hangovers. It just didn't really affect me. Then I got hurt. Really hurt. Ended up having my 7th shoulder surgery. After surgery I was told that I had to have a total shoulder replacement. My shoulder is what took me out of competitive sports all those years ago. Now I had to have a surgery reserved for elderly people. If I wanted to be able to use my arm, I had to have it.

So in 2014 I did.

Soberwolf

Congratulations on ten days !

Lightning Bug

About three months before surgery I began pain management. I had a three month wait for surgery because the complication of my case required a specialist and he had a waiting list. Daily script of Oxycodone was written and I soon became obsessed. But it was ok because I wasn't stealing them from my mom. I had a legitimate prescription.

Oxycodone was the drug that led to a safe in my bedroom and a daily dose of meds given to me by my husband. He said it was for my own good - I was in pain and needed the meds. If I took them all I wouldn't have them and I would be in pain. Makes sense. But I didn't need handfuls of them to be obsessed. I just counted hours until I could have them. And I learned how to stockpile so the next dose could be more. And I learned that if you drink with them you could get a better high.

So here I am waiting for surgery and mixing narcotics with alcohol. Go me. Say hello to my third 72 hour lockdown. This one was messy as it involved Facebook and the cops -who hauled me off to the looney bin. I came out of that determined not to mix, so I stopped drinking. Only Oxycodone. Which I took responsibly.

Surgery came and went. It was hard, but I was determined. I worked hard to regain mobility. Yet I remained in pain management for legitimate pain. What was wrong? I didn't know that a total replacement wouldn't fix me. I was told I would have pain forever. Get used to it. Oh, and there is nothing left to be done. It is meds forever. I started drinking again to numb the pain.

I remained in pain management for two years, until Feb of this year when I was discharged for continually not testing positive for Oxy. How could I when I ran out early? The last day I took it was Feb 15th. No withdrawal, no painful detox. I just stopped and that was that.

I replaced Oxy with alcohol.

thomas11

Wow, that's quite a story. It almost sounds like a atypical case of self harm. I hope you are able to accomplish sobriety.

Lightning Bug

This time it wasn't Bud Lite, it was wine. I hit it so hard I was sober maybe one night a week. I was horrified with the obsession. It had taken over my life. I was going to work late and coming home early. I remember one day I went to work still drunk from the night before. I drove that way. Alcohol became a nightmare. A nightmare I didn't wake from until I went head first into a toilet and ended up with a concussion and my fourth 72hour hold.

Which brings me to today.

10 days sober. And terrified. Terrified of what I am going to replace the alcohol with. I am going to do something - it is my nature. Why can't it be a good obsession? Like healthy living? I don't know. My obsessions are self destructive.

So here ends my tale, but here lies my fear. I am determined not to let drugs and alcohol back into my life, but my addict heart is going to be searching to fill a need. I am scared of what it will find.

Bug

Delilah1

Is there anything you would like to learn to do? Maybe you can take some classes. Painting might be fun.

Lightning Bug

I don't doubt I can accomplish sobriety. I already have the indifference to alcohol that I have had when I quit everything else. It is done and that is that. It is feeding my addictive personality that is the problem. I am going to replace alcohol with something. That is a factm I am both fearful yet determined to make the new obsession a healthy one.

This is self harm. It always has been.

Lightning Bug

I need a hobby.

CaseyW

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Very powerful stuff in there. So much that I can relate to.

In many ways, active participation here has been my replacement. It's certainly a lot healthier than wine or beer or xanax or oxy.

Congrats on ten days! Wishing you a happy and sober and clean Saturday...

Lightning Bug

I am trying to participate in SR in order to keep my history of alcohol abuse directly in front of me. When I kick something I forget about it. I forget what kind of person I was doing it, what I did while doing it, and all of the repercussions of my choices.

I don't want to get to 30 days and forget everything. If I do what is to stop me from trying to be a moderate drinker? Once you hit rock bottom in drinking there is no chance of moderation.

So I am going to stick around and post. Count my sober time. Talk to others. Keep it in focus.

amazingjoy

Thanks for sharing your story! I hope you find resolve for your fears! You seem very aware and this time more deliberate...perhaps you can find something sustainable and good?

Lightning Bug

I know myself very well. I know what I think, feel and experience daily as well as my history and my lessons learned from my experiences. I have spent years dissecting my behavior and becoming aware of how I have developed based on the choices I have made in life. I think self awareness is KEY to recovering.

I don't want to just recover from alcohol abuse. I want to recover from addiction. Whether it be food or eating disorders or drugs or alcohol. I want to recover from needing to use to excess. I want to recover from needing an obsession. I want to feel normal in all aspects of my life. I want a healthy balance on everything.

That is my plan. Recover. And live.

Lightning Bug

I am going to the craft store. I am thinking of starting a hobby. Something. Anything.

2ndhandrose

Hi bug, You are doing so great at 10 days

SR has been an invaluable resource for my recovery, available 24 hours a day.

Pierce1230

I don't think you need to find something else to plug into the "numbing hole" that quitting each substance has left you with

It is going to be unpleasant and painful to deal with a lot of the emotions that you've numbed for so long. Additionally, your brain will need time to adjust so it can recalibrate itself to producing proper levels of hormones.

I'm on day 21 of sobriety for my third time, and usually the fear and doubt are worst until day 14 or so. What is helpful to me is remembering that I'm repairing my mind, and any step backwards means I have to do it all over again, so forward is the only way it makes sense to go.

Over time, you make seemingly small decisions that help you, where you used to make decisions that harmed you, and all of those decisions will add up to something quite profound.

The fear will be there, but you can get past it

thomas11

ES, it seems you have this self diagnosed addictive personality. Do you think you can somehow overcome that diagnosis? Maybe you don't have an addictive personality but rather have something else. Just a thought, it might help you overcome some obstacles.

What I mean is that if you have convinced yourself you have an addictive personality, your behavior will follow suit. If that makes sense.

doggonecarl

An addictive personality is a set of personality traits that make addiction more likely. More likely, not inevitable.

But the litanty of the drugs you abused, all highly addictive, would make just about anyone an addict.

When you are in the cycle of addiction, of course you are going to replace one drug or one addictive behavior with another. That's addiction.

The solution is recovery.

You'll note I didn't say abstinence. Refraining from your addictions is not the same as learning to live--and love--a clean and sober life.

Dee74

It might be said I have an addictive personality too - but I'm clean and sober

Everybody can get sober and stay that way bug - don't let anyone or anything tell you different

D

AdelineRose

I thought I had an addictive personality because when I ate a peanut butter sandwich one day I would eat only that for weeks or months until I got tired of peanut butter and then I'd move on to Special K Cinnamon and Pecan cereal.

For me only one drug has ever caught me and refused to let go and that was painkillers which turned to heroin. I know I can never touch that or I will prob. never get away.

I don't really know what kind of advice to say besides maybe you need to organize your days and almost pre-plan your week. Plan it out in a healthy balanced way and stick to that. It is like you need structure and variety this way one thing doesn't stick too hard. Counseling might help? Maybe getting a psych evaluation might show something? When I got mine done I discovered I was bipolar type 2 disorder and once I treated that other things fell into place.

Great job on 10 days sober. Keep moving forward and I guess stay away from any mind altering substance and take it one day at a time. Stay aware and if you see ANY type of obsession starting nip it in the butt,