anaylor01

guess I am writing in the hopes that someone will help me. Some background. I have always felt different. Always not quite as happy as I felt I should be. I would not classify myself as depressed. I actually feel like I am happier than most. More optimistic than most. But something has just not felt right. It's hard to explain. I have been to 3 psychiatrist and all have said nothing was wrong with me and didn't want to see me again. So why do I feel like there is something wrong? I have always felt smarter than most. 3 years is the longest I have stayed at a job. 3 years is the longest I have lived at any one place. I am very good at ALMOST everything I do. I have lived in NYC and Los Angeles and every where between. I drank quite a lot in my younger days. I have tried just about every drug there is but didn't really like any of them except for Ectasy and now Opiates. I have slept with around 400 women. So now to the problem or the reason for this. About 4 years ago I had a case of pancreatitis and had to be on pain killers for 2 months. I noticed that when I was on pain killers everything was ok. I am a computer programmer and also noticed that I was able to focus and concentrate better than I ever have. So these pills make me feel normal. I was able to get up and go to work. Go to the gym. Do day to day activities and be ok with it. What is normal? I don't know. I just know that when I take them I feel like this is what normal is. I don't take them every day. I don't take them and nod out. In the four years that I have been using NO ONE has ever accused me of being on drugs. I go to work everyday. Which is something I could NEVER do before. I took anti-depressants once and I wanted to kill myself so bad it was crazy. Here I am wanting to kill myself and talking to myself saying "What is wrong with you?". Well it was the pills. After I quit taking them the suicidal thoughts went away. They say that unless what you are doing is causing you problems than you don't have a problem. Well I have not had any problems using opiates. So why is it that someone can take Prozac and it works for them and that is ok. But if I take something that makes me feel the same way, I am a drug addict. Can someone please help me?

Dee74

Hi and welcome Anaylor

I think we're good at knowing whats right for us.

Even after all the rationalisations for my alcohol and drug abuse (something I was very good at) I knew I was using drugs and alcohol to run from problems, I knew I was drugging and drinking to control my mood, I knew I leaning on those things and I was not allowing myself to reach my potential.

Obviously something is not sitting right with you about your opiate use?

D

Soberwolf

Welcome Anaylor

Berrybean

Many of the feelings you describe seem to be fairly typical of alcoholics / addicts. Feeling different / a sense of otherness and being separate from everyone else. Those restless, irritable and discontent feelings. Feeling superior a lot of the time (and then so massively INferior that it's necessary to reach for external comforters to ease the fear and pain of it). The sex relationships are fairly common - using other people to make ourselves feel better, with little or no regard for their feelings.

At the moment you're still wondering if there is a magic exterior comforter that you are missing. Is there a magic pill? No. But there is something MORE wonderful. And that thing is Recovery. If you can get sober, the you can work on your recovery. Recovery is what enables us to be happy, calm and serene in sobriety. It is what helps us to accept that life, the world, and people in it aren't going to be wonderful all the time, or perfect ever. Including US. It is what allows us to stop this mad emphasis on glossing up our exteriors so that others think we are okay and have it sorted, and realise that it is more important to actually BE okay.

And it is possible for you to get sober and clean, and recover. But you need to want it. REALLY want it. Because although the journey is relatively simple, it is not always easy. We have to learn to sit with our feelings (I had feelings that I'd never know about because I'd always muffled them with my exterior comfortors), which can be amazingly scary at first. We need to acknowledge our imperfections so that we can work on them - that was terrifying for me - I'd spent my whole life 'la la la-ing' all that stuff. I didn't WANT to see my imperfections. But I did it, and it was an amazingly freeing experience. And many, many, many others have done it as well. It is there for you if that is what you want.

least

Welcome to the family.

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, anaylor01.

thomas11

Welcome, I can share with you my experience. I am currently on opiates for pain. This month will be a year. I don't even know what it means to be high on opiates. I function just fine, I do not abuse them. I even take less than prescribed. But they do what they are supposed to do, manage my pain. Right now there is a very bad stigma attached to opiates and thus we will be judged. But keep in mind, heroin (a dangerous illegal drug) is also an opiate so when we here these opiate horror stories we don't know for sure if they are referring to prescription drugs or street drugs. I tend to think many of the OD's are heroin related, but they will say they are opiate related, and they are not lying when they say that. I just got a call from my doctor yesterday to discuss lowering my dosage. I was fine with it, but I am in Minnesota and every day we are bombarded with Prince's death and his opiate addiction. Again, it goes back to the stigma attached to it. my 2 cents.