Reflection
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 669
AA Step One. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.”
This seems like such an easy step in AA. I've been thinking about this quite a bit since the meeting last night. This was the topic at the meeting I went to tonight. I realize I have a whole lot of work to do on me.
I know when I drink I can be a very mean and hateful person. I know in my heart that's not the real me. I have said and done so many things I wish I could take back. I can't though. One thing that finally sunk in tonight is I have to forgive myself and start learning how to love myself. Learning how to live my life as me is going to take time and will be a process. I've never lived my life as "me". I was always "mom" or "wife". After my divorce and my child left home, I was left feeling like I didn't have a purpose or identity. Before long I found it was fun to party and drink. Little did I know that was the beginning of the hardest 5 years of my life.
I had some really fun times. I also had some really bad times. All of the bad times correspond with excessive alcohol consumption. I wish I never would have started drinking. However, like a guy at AA said last night, once a cucumber turns into a pickle it can never be a cucumber again. Now that I have developed a drinking problem (aka alcoholic), there is no changing back into a non problem drinker. I can't moderate. I am powerless over it.
I've successfully pushed everyone away from me to avoid being hurt. That has caused more pain than being hurt by a person. Being left with no one and trying to pick up the pieces and become a happy well adjusted person is hard. This didn't happen over night and it's not going to get better over night. I have a hard road to walk, but it will be worth it in the long run.
I've decided AA is needed for me. I am going to start working the steps and find a sponsor. I do not want to let alcohol control my life anymore. It's killing me slowly and painfully.
This seems like such an easy step in AA. I've been thinking about this quite a bit since the meeting last night. This was the topic at the meeting I went to tonight. I realize I have a whole lot of work to do on me.
I know when I drink I can be a very mean and hateful person. I know in my heart that's not the real me. I have said and done so many things I wish I could take back. I can't though. One thing that finally sunk in tonight is I have to forgive myself and start learning how to love myself. Learning how to live my life as me is going to take time and will be a process. I've never lived my life as "me". I was always "mom" or "wife". After my divorce and my child left home, I was left feeling like I didn't have a purpose or identity. Before long I found it was fun to party and drink. Little did I know that was the beginning of the hardest 5 years of my life.
I had some really fun times. I also had some really bad times. All of the bad times correspond with excessive alcohol consumption. I wish I never would have started drinking. However, like a guy at AA said last night, once a cucumber turns into a pickle it can never be a cucumber again. Now that I have developed a drinking problem (aka alcoholic), there is no changing back into a non problem drinker. I can't moderate. I am powerless over it.
I've successfully pushed everyone away from me to avoid being hurt. That has caused more pain than being hurt by a person. Being left with no one and trying to pick up the pieces and become a happy well adjusted person is hard. This didn't happen over night and it's not going to get better over night. I have a hard road to walk, but it will be worth it in the long run.
I've decided AA is needed for me. I am going to start working the steps and find a sponsor. I do not want to let alcohol control my life anymore. It's killing me slowly and painfully.
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