For Once I Held My Ground
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
For Once I Held My Ground
I haven't really written much about my finance.
Right now he is in prison for trafficking heroin and he will get out in February.
While he is in there I have used this time to work on myself (I am 9 months sober) and to work on not making my emotions always connect to his. Before I started working my recovery plan if he got angry I would kill myself to make him happy, try to fix the problem, blame myself, my self esteem would plummet, and I would blame it all on myself that is mad even though I had nothing to do with it.
So today I was supposed to go down to see him (he is an hour away) and the car me and his dad were driving in broke down. Well he called and was screaming that I don't love him, that I am lying that I never even was coming, that I have another lover, etc. etc.
Normally I would be hysterical and basically crawling on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness for something that I couldn't even control! Well today, I took a deep breath and said "You know I love you, this isn't my fault, and call me when you have calmed down and are thinking straight".
I didn't answer his phone calls for an hour or two. When I finally answered he apologized for freaking out and said he just was really looking forward to seeing me.
If I had engaged with him and basically groveled for forgiveness for something I couldn't have controlled I am positive we would be fighting and me crying for days.
Instead, I refused to engage and I feel so empowered. He doesn't get to blame me, I have the option of not listening to him slander me, and I am not going to go on that emotional roller coaster.
Before I thought since he was in jail I should give him a lot more slack. Well that extra slack doesn't reach that damn far.
I just had to write this down because this is the first time I have actually taken the advice I so readily give others and I feel so empowered and I didn't end the night crying with no respect.
I know if he decides to leave me, then it is his loss. I know I am a good girlfriend and I refuse to listen to cursing and yelling anymore.
He said I have changed, and I your damn right I have and I refuse to go back. I refuse to be the person I was when I was an addict. I have learned to love myself a lot more since then. He can respect that and me, or I can find someone who will
Right now he is in prison for trafficking heroin and he will get out in February.
While he is in there I have used this time to work on myself (I am 9 months sober) and to work on not making my emotions always connect to his. Before I started working my recovery plan if he got angry I would kill myself to make him happy, try to fix the problem, blame myself, my self esteem would plummet, and I would blame it all on myself that is mad even though I had nothing to do with it.
So today I was supposed to go down to see him (he is an hour away) and the car me and his dad were driving in broke down. Well he called and was screaming that I don't love him, that I am lying that I never even was coming, that I have another lover, etc. etc.
Normally I would be hysterical and basically crawling on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness for something that I couldn't even control! Well today, I took a deep breath and said "You know I love you, this isn't my fault, and call me when you have calmed down and are thinking straight".
I didn't answer his phone calls for an hour or two. When I finally answered he apologized for freaking out and said he just was really looking forward to seeing me.
If I had engaged with him and basically groveled for forgiveness for something I couldn't have controlled I am positive we would be fighting and me crying for days.
Instead, I refused to engage and I feel so empowered. He doesn't get to blame me, I have the option of not listening to him slander me, and I am not going to go on that emotional roller coaster.
Before I thought since he was in jail I should give him a lot more slack. Well that extra slack doesn't reach that damn far.
I just had to write this down because this is the first time I have actually taken the advice I so readily give others and I feel so empowered and I didn't end the night crying with no respect.
I know if he decides to leave me, then it is his loss. I know I am a good girlfriend and I refuse to listen to cursing and yelling anymore.
He said I have changed, and I your damn right I have and I refuse to go back. I refuse to be the person I was when I was an addict. I have learned to love myself a lot more since then. He can respect that and me, or I can find someone who will
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ oh my....your last paragraph sums it up so perfectly. Friend, I echo your powerful words. You are worth it and deserve so much more-when you realize this, there is no going back. I changed too, and my ex didbt like it either; I refused to be treated that way anymore-and refused to allow my kids to be treated that way, too. Which is why he's my ex.
Hugs to you-stay strong-and go live the life you were made to!!
Fist bump!
Hugs to you-stay strong-and go live the life you were made to!!
Fist bump!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by AdelineRose 
I haven't really written much about my finance.
Right now he is in prison for trafficking heroin and he will get out in February.
While he is in there I have used this time to work on myself (I am 9 months sober) and to work on not making my emotions always connect to his. Before I started working my recovery plan if he got angry I would kill myself to make him happy, try to fix the problem, blame myself, my self esteem would plummet, and I would blame it all on myself that is mad even though I had nothing to do with it.
So today I was supposed to go down to see him (he is an hour away) and the car me and his dad were driving in broke down. Well he called and was screaming that I don't love him, that I am lying that I never even was coming, that I have another lover, etc. etc.
Normally I would be hysterical and basically crawling on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness for something that I couldn't even control! Well today, I took a deep breath and said "You know I love you, this isn't my fault, and call me when you have calmed down and are thinking straight".
I didn't answer his phone calls for an hour or two. When I finally answered he apologized for freaking out and said he just was really looking forward to seeing me.
If I had engaged with him and basically groveled for forgiveness for something I couldn't have controlled I am positive we would be fighting and me crying for days.
Instead, I refused to engage and I feel so empowered. He doesn't get to blame me, I have the option of not listening to him slander me, and I am not going to go on that emotional roller coaster.
Before I thought since he was in jail I should give him a lot more slack. Well that extra slack doesn't reach that damn far.
I just had to write this down because this is the first time I have actually taken the advice I so readily give others and I feel so empowered and I didn't end the night crying with no respect.
I know if he decides to leave me, then it is his loss. I know I am a good girlfriend and I refuse to listen to cursing and yelling anymore.
He said I have changed, and I your damn right I have and I refuse to go back. I refuse to be the person I was when I was an addict. I have learned to love myself a lot more since then. He can respect that and me, or I can find someone who will
Right now he is in prison for trafficking heroin and he will get out in February.
While he is in there I have used this time to work on myself (I am 9 months sober) and to work on not making my emotions always connect to his. Before I started working my recovery plan if he got angry I would kill myself to make him happy, try to fix the problem, blame myself, my self esteem would plummet, and I would blame it all on myself that is mad even though I had nothing to do with it.
So today I was supposed to go down to see him (he is an hour away) and the car me and his dad were driving in broke down. Well he called and was screaming that I don't love him, that I am lying that I never even was coming, that I have another lover, etc. etc.
Normally I would be hysterical and basically crawling on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness for something that I couldn't even control! Well today, I took a deep breath and said "You know I love you, this isn't my fault, and call me when you have calmed down and are thinking straight".
I didn't answer his phone calls for an hour or two. When I finally answered he apologized for freaking out and said he just was really looking forward to seeing me.
If I had engaged with him and basically groveled for forgiveness for something I couldn't have controlled I am positive we would be fighting and me crying for days.
Instead, I refused to engage and I feel so empowered. He doesn't get to blame me, I have the option of not listening to him slander me, and I am not going to go on that emotional roller coaster.
Before I thought since he was in jail I should give him a lot more slack. Well that extra slack doesn't reach that damn far.
I just had to write this down because this is the first time I have actually taken the advice I so readily give others and I feel so empowered and I didn't end the night crying with no respect.
I know if he decides to leave me, then it is his loss. I know I am a good girlfriend and I refuse to listen to cursing and yelling anymore.
He said I have changed, and I your damn right I have and I refuse to go back. I refuse to be the person I was when I was an addict. I have learned to love myself a lot more since then. He can respect that and me, or I can find someone who will
This is so inspiring and I know so much harder to do than say.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Thank you so much guys!
If I told this to anyone else they would be like "uh huh so isn't that what you always do?" but I know everyone on here know that that is not our "normal" reaction and that it took a lot of work to get to it.
Woke up feeling so good about myself instead of like crap and worrying what I could do to some how make him not mad and "love me"
If I told this to anyone else they would be like "uh huh so isn't that what you always do?" but I know everyone on here know that that is not our "normal" reaction and that it took a lot of work to get to it.
Woke up feeling so good about myself instead of like crap and worrying what I could do to some how make him not mad and "love me"
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Congratulations on... well... EVERYTHING!! On being sober #1 AND for standing up for yourself! He doesn't respect you and you've learned to self-respect - go YOU! I applaud you and you deserve better than what he dishes out.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I swear this place pushes me to be better everyday.
Sure I go to counseling, but in counseling it is so easy to push things off or think to myself.."oh she doesn't TRUELY get it" even though my counselor is a great counselor it is just a way for me to find a cop out I guess.
But on here, I have NO EXCUSE. While counseling has been a life savoir, I swear this place gives me that extra push I have always needed.
Sure I go to counseling, but in counseling it is so easy to push things off or think to myself.."oh she doesn't TRUELY get it" even though my counselor is a great counselor it is just a way for me to find a cop out I guess.
But on here, I have NO EXCUSE. While counseling has been a life savoir, I swear this place gives me that extra push I have always needed.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
NEVER feel that you have to try to MAKE someone love you. begin to believe you are good enough, better than good enough, exactly as you are.....he doesn't really sound like he appreciates you, but instead abuses you and gets off on watching you squirm and cower and then try to soothe and calm him. feeds his ego. look at me, i can treat her like sh!t and she wants more!
do you really want to be with someone who was a heroin dealer??? who still screams and abuses you from PRISON? i believe you deserve so much more.
do you really want to be with someone who was a heroin dealer??? who still screams and abuses you from PRISON? i believe you deserve so much more.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
The only thing that I can truly respond on without making excuses is that the fact that he was a heroin dealer doesn't "phase" me because we were both heroin addicts, he was selling to support our habit, and it could of been either one of us that got in trouble.
Besides that small insignificant detail, all I do is hang my head and say...you are right.
He is two different people...I always think to myself he is the nicest person I have ever met and the devil all in one person depending what side you get. I know he needs to be on medication..but then here I go saying "oh if only this" or "oh if he just did that" and that is so counter productive and exactly back to square one.
I guess.. for the moment I am slowly getting stronger and slowly learning to respect myself and to realize my self worth. He gets out the end of Feb...I am going spend this time working on me and if I out grow him then I out grow him. I am not ready to walk away yet...but that doesn't mean in a month or two I might not be don't with the tantrums and just focus on me.
Besides that small insignificant detail, all I do is hang my head and say...you are right.
He is two different people...I always think to myself he is the nicest person I have ever met and the devil all in one person depending what side you get. I know he needs to be on medication..but then here I go saying "oh if only this" or "oh if he just did that" and that is so counter productive and exactly back to square one.
I guess.. for the moment I am slowly getting stronger and slowly learning to respect myself and to realize my self worth. He gets out the end of Feb...I am going spend this time working on me and if I out grow him then I out grow him. I am not ready to walk away yet...but that doesn't mean in a month or two I might not be don't with the tantrums and just focus on me.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
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The more I work on myself the more I realize how much can happen in a couple months.
There is one thing I know for sure, and that is that I am NEVER going backwards. I don't care if I have CRAWEL on my hands and knees..I refuse to go backwards. I've come too far for that.
There is one thing I know for sure, and that is that I am NEVER going backwards. I don't care if I have CRAWEL on my hands and knees..I refuse to go backwards. I've come too far for that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
These are some amazing posts that you are writing. I was never a heroin addict, and I can't even begin to know the h3ll you went through with that, but it seems like now you are really ready to take control over your own life, and make it the best that you can. This is true recovery, and you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
((((((hugs))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you! And remember, just because he can't use inside doesn't mean he won't pick right up where he left off when he gets out. Hopefully he's availing himself of recovery opportunities while he's in, but it doesn't sound like he's "clean/sober," just not using at the moment. You know the difference, I'm sure.
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I love how we all feed off each other and have eachother's backs . I never thought I would start to really know people here and feel so connected.
I swear if I could pluck you all up and place you all in my town I would!
I swear if I could pluck you all up and place you all in my town I would!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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LexieCat, I have been planning for that since the day I decided I refused to ever go back to that life style again. That is a firm boundary, if he drinks or uses..even smokes pot I am gone and I am not looking back.
It's odd, I go back and forth with oh he shouldn't talk like that to me to oh he is in prison and is powerless and just in a bad mood but I know that the boundary of him using or drinking is one I refuse to budge on. Why one thing is so certain and the other isn't, I couldn't say. I guess because if he used I know my recovery could crumble and that is truly life and death so is now an easy decision for me to make..I choose life no matter what.
He goes to AA meetings almost every night, church, is taking college classes, and did a drug program so he is taking all the steps he can. although anyone can stay sober when they are in a controlled environment and yes I def. do know the difference and the I WANT IT NOW and the anger show he is not truly there yet in means of recovery.
I make sure to continue to go to counseling and stay connected with my family and to do what is best for me for right now. But believe me that possibility has passed my mind.
It's odd, I go back and forth with oh he shouldn't talk like that to me to oh he is in prison and is powerless and just in a bad mood but I know that the boundary of him using or drinking is one I refuse to budge on. Why one thing is so certain and the other isn't, I couldn't say. I guess because if he used I know my recovery could crumble and that is truly life and death so is now an easy decision for me to make..I choose life no matter what.
He goes to AA meetings almost every night, church, is taking college classes, and did a drug program so he is taking all the steps he can. although anyone can stay sober when they are in a controlled environment and yes I def. do know the difference and the I WANT IT NOW and the anger show he is not truly there yet in means of recovery.
I make sure to continue to go to counseling and stay connected with my family and to do what is best for me for right now. But believe me that possibility has passed my mind.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know a few folks in AA with years and years since their last drink, who are chronically angry, hostile, and generally unpleasant to be around. I can't pick apart someone else's program or take their inventory for them, but they sure aren't people I would want to be around, if I had a choice.
So the bottom line is that you have to have the attitude that, regardless of the state of his drug usage, you insist on having a real partner--someone with whom you feel safe and free to be yourself. You don't "owe" him anything just because he happened to be the one unlucky enough to get nailed legally.
Start working on what you really want for your life--hopefully it's something more than not picking up a needle. Get yourself strong enough to insist on respect from others--including (and especially) a partner. It's well over half a year before he gets out--that's lots of time for you to build yourself up.
So the bottom line is that you have to have the attitude that, regardless of the state of his drug usage, you insist on having a real partner--someone with whom you feel safe and free to be yourself. You don't "owe" him anything just because he happened to be the one unlucky enough to get nailed legally.
Start working on what you really want for your life--hopefully it's something more than not picking up a needle. Get yourself strong enough to insist on respect from others--including (and especially) a partner. It's well over half a year before he gets out--that's lots of time for you to build yourself up.
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I was just thinking that I would start keeping a running list of what I want out of life and what I want in a partner and if he consistently isn't matching what I truly find important then well the answer will show.
As for me, I will be finishing my last semester in law school next semester (even though I don't want to be a lawyer anymore but hey I got that far might as well finish) and then I will be getting my masters for substance abuse counseling since I already have a BA in psychology and that is the direction I am leaning in. Good thing I double majored in college in law in society and in psychology with minors in sociology and women's studies. So i'll just keep adding onto those degrees...I am fortunate that my mom can afford to pay for it
As for me, I will be finishing my last semester in law school next semester (even though I don't want to be a lawyer anymore but hey I got that far might as well finish) and then I will be getting my masters for substance abuse counseling since I already have a BA in psychology and that is the direction I am leaning in. Good thing I double majored in college in law in society and in psychology with minors in sociology and women's studies. So i'll just keep adding onto those degrees...I am fortunate that my mom can afford to pay for it
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