new here/alcoholic mom in jail/getting married
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: ca
Posts: 2
new here/alcoholic mom in jail/getting married
hi everyone,
this is my first post, though i've been lurking/reading these forums for the last few years to feel not so alone. i've read a lot of self-help/acoa books, have gone to therapy (not in a year, but i might need it again), am trying to get better at taking care of myself (journaling, exercising, trying acupuncture)....i really need to vent today.
i'm honestly not quite sure where to start---my story and the entwinement with my mom's addiction feels overwhelming to write down, but here i go.
i'm almost 30 years old and my mom is an alcoholic--i'm in california and she's still in ny state--she has been one most of my life (though she was "functioning"), though i think she started to lose more control when my sister and i went to college. my mom raised us on her own, she left my dad after 13 years of physical and emotional abuse when i was 5 years old (he is also an addict), and she has had mental health problems (undiagnosed?) and has self medicated.
the last 10 years in particular have been out of control----she's gotten dui's, has lost her closest friends, has made at least 3 suicide attempts that i know of, my older sister isn't talking to her right now, her best friend since she was 5 cut her off (who is sober now), she can't keep a job more than a few months at a time, she's been to rehab and various court ordered outpatients programs 4 times. her longest rehab was 6 months, and she drank on her first day out. she pretended to be sober for 1 year, while going to AA meetings, and she actually had the nerve to collect her 1 year chip and pat herself on the back. she confided in me last year (i've always been a sort of therapist/parent figure in her life---she's had horrible boundaries telling me her problems since i was a kid) that she hears voices and feels crazy---she said it was when she's drinking mostly and i doubt it's gotten any better.
i've only seen her a handful of times in the last 7 years and i've tried to establish better boundaries with her since i first started therapy in 2012. but every time i come home, she goes on a binge beforehand, or needs to drink because for some reason she can't handle seeing her own daughter. i had reached my breaking point after she visited me while my boyfriend and i were living in paris while he did study abroad. she called me and told me she missed her flight, was in the hospital, because she got drunk at the airport bar, fell over and hit her head/got a bad black eye. she had already re-booked a flight (not to worry!, she said) and i was forced to spend a whole week taking care of her, doing "normal" tourist things, walking around paris, while she was in withdrawl, not eating much, and wearing sunglasses in paris in november, no less, because she had a black eye. ahhh---it's all so twisted! i know now that if i were to be in the same situation now i would tell her not to board her flight. i still can't believe i put up with that.
last summer i visited her for the first time in 3 years----i noticed immediately when picking her up from her work that she was shaking---she made some lie up about having to go to the atm----she came back and she wasn't shaking. i know she drank-. we managed to have a decent weekend, but there was a definite wall between us---we couldn't talk about anything real and she looked like ****, like she's aged 15 years in the last 5, she's lost muscle mass (like, she used to have a butt, now it's gone!), but her tummy was bloated, she looked so frail. i know this is a sign she's in poor health.
i feel like she doesn't know me at all anymore---she has no ******* idea what has happened over the last 10 years because she's been drunk most of the time. she's so alone and doesn't know how to relate to her own kids. so much of what she has said to me will haunt me----things that she has said, that she has the privilege of not remembering because she was drunk.
fast forward to today i guess----my mom has been on probation the last year for her 3rd dui (it should have been a felony, but it was somehow reduced) and she just had her third probation violation from drinking. they sent her to rehab in december for her 1st one----i really thought she was doing well after in outpatient, etc, then she got caught again a month ago, they sent her to jail for 2 weeks, she got out, and she just got caught again yesterday, so now she's back in jail and she's facing up to a full year.
and since all this has been going on my boyfriend and i got engaged. i'm really excited and trying so hard to focus on us but it has been hard. we're tying the knot at the courthouse here in 3 weeks and i'm feeling both torn and blessed that she won't be here. i initially invited her to try to get permission from her PO, and shortly after she told me she got caught drinking again. she called me drunk, begging me not to get married without her, trying to guilt me. today i can say, i'm happy i don't have to worry about her coming out here and having to worry about her being drunk, rather than focusing on my day.
alcoholism has truly transformed my mom. she used to be bright, funny, charismatic, and actually capable of showing empathy and love for other people. every now and then i'm gifted with a conversation where she might not be drunk, might be sober, and the old her comes through and she acts like my mom again. i feel like i'm in a neverending grief cycle, mourning the relationship i used to have with her. she's alive still but not really living. has anyone else experience this sort of grief?
i know in my heart that my mom is not committed to becoming sober. she's not ready and i don't think she wants to. the only thing i can hope for with her going to jail for a year is that she will want to start her recovery. when my mom got out of jail a few weeks ago the first time, she told me she was surprised that she went to jail. and i was like "well, i'm not!" she was shocked. and i told her that i've been telling her for years that she's going to end up killing herself or end up in jail---it was her 3rd dui, there's only a linear path with alcoholism and it ends horribly. all she could say to me was "i feel really bad saying this, but i don't remember you ever saying that to me." and that's the insanity of alcoholism and denial. i remember everything and she doesn't---it's like a neverending nightmare that won't end for everyone involved.
thanks everyone for reading---more posts soon, i hope!
this is my first post, though i've been lurking/reading these forums for the last few years to feel not so alone. i've read a lot of self-help/acoa books, have gone to therapy (not in a year, but i might need it again), am trying to get better at taking care of myself (journaling, exercising, trying acupuncture)....i really need to vent today.
i'm honestly not quite sure where to start---my story and the entwinement with my mom's addiction feels overwhelming to write down, but here i go.
i'm almost 30 years old and my mom is an alcoholic--i'm in california and she's still in ny state--she has been one most of my life (though she was "functioning"), though i think she started to lose more control when my sister and i went to college. my mom raised us on her own, she left my dad after 13 years of physical and emotional abuse when i was 5 years old (he is also an addict), and she has had mental health problems (undiagnosed?) and has self medicated.
the last 10 years in particular have been out of control----she's gotten dui's, has lost her closest friends, has made at least 3 suicide attempts that i know of, my older sister isn't talking to her right now, her best friend since she was 5 cut her off (who is sober now), she can't keep a job more than a few months at a time, she's been to rehab and various court ordered outpatients programs 4 times. her longest rehab was 6 months, and she drank on her first day out. she pretended to be sober for 1 year, while going to AA meetings, and she actually had the nerve to collect her 1 year chip and pat herself on the back. she confided in me last year (i've always been a sort of therapist/parent figure in her life---she's had horrible boundaries telling me her problems since i was a kid) that she hears voices and feels crazy---she said it was when she's drinking mostly and i doubt it's gotten any better.
i've only seen her a handful of times in the last 7 years and i've tried to establish better boundaries with her since i first started therapy in 2012. but every time i come home, she goes on a binge beforehand, or needs to drink because for some reason she can't handle seeing her own daughter. i had reached my breaking point after she visited me while my boyfriend and i were living in paris while he did study abroad. she called me and told me she missed her flight, was in the hospital, because she got drunk at the airport bar, fell over and hit her head/got a bad black eye. she had already re-booked a flight (not to worry!, she said) and i was forced to spend a whole week taking care of her, doing "normal" tourist things, walking around paris, while she was in withdrawl, not eating much, and wearing sunglasses in paris in november, no less, because she had a black eye. ahhh---it's all so twisted! i know now that if i were to be in the same situation now i would tell her not to board her flight. i still can't believe i put up with that.
last summer i visited her for the first time in 3 years----i noticed immediately when picking her up from her work that she was shaking---she made some lie up about having to go to the atm----she came back and she wasn't shaking. i know she drank-. we managed to have a decent weekend, but there was a definite wall between us---we couldn't talk about anything real and she looked like ****, like she's aged 15 years in the last 5, she's lost muscle mass (like, she used to have a butt, now it's gone!), but her tummy was bloated, she looked so frail. i know this is a sign she's in poor health.
i feel like she doesn't know me at all anymore---she has no ******* idea what has happened over the last 10 years because she's been drunk most of the time. she's so alone and doesn't know how to relate to her own kids. so much of what she has said to me will haunt me----things that she has said, that she has the privilege of not remembering because she was drunk.
fast forward to today i guess----my mom has been on probation the last year for her 3rd dui (it should have been a felony, but it was somehow reduced) and she just had her third probation violation from drinking. they sent her to rehab in december for her 1st one----i really thought she was doing well after in outpatient, etc, then she got caught again a month ago, they sent her to jail for 2 weeks, she got out, and she just got caught again yesterday, so now she's back in jail and she's facing up to a full year.
and since all this has been going on my boyfriend and i got engaged. i'm really excited and trying so hard to focus on us but it has been hard. we're tying the knot at the courthouse here in 3 weeks and i'm feeling both torn and blessed that she won't be here. i initially invited her to try to get permission from her PO, and shortly after she told me she got caught drinking again. she called me drunk, begging me not to get married without her, trying to guilt me. today i can say, i'm happy i don't have to worry about her coming out here and having to worry about her being drunk, rather than focusing on my day.
alcoholism has truly transformed my mom. she used to be bright, funny, charismatic, and actually capable of showing empathy and love for other people. every now and then i'm gifted with a conversation where she might not be drunk, might be sober, and the old her comes through and she acts like my mom again. i feel like i'm in a neverending grief cycle, mourning the relationship i used to have with her. she's alive still but not really living. has anyone else experience this sort of grief?
i know in my heart that my mom is not committed to becoming sober. she's not ready and i don't think she wants to. the only thing i can hope for with her going to jail for a year is that she will want to start her recovery. when my mom got out of jail a few weeks ago the first time, she told me she was surprised that she went to jail. and i was like "well, i'm not!" she was shocked. and i told her that i've been telling her for years that she's going to end up killing herself or end up in jail---it was her 3rd dui, there's only a linear path with alcoholism and it ends horribly. all she could say to me was "i feel really bad saying this, but i don't remember you ever saying that to me." and that's the insanity of alcoholism and denial. i remember everything and she doesn't---it's like a neverending nightmare that won't end for everyone involved.
thanks everyone for reading---more posts soon, i hope!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Vanilla, congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I hope the day is everything you dream of. Sadly you're right about it being better for your mother not to be there, because it seems she can't stay sober for even the most important reasons.
My sister drinks excessively. We were once very close, but you can't keep that up with an active A, so our relationship is now at a superficial level. I don't choose to be around her when she's drinking in the evening. Apart from it being socially awkward, I hate seeing what she's doing to herself. In the past I've tried to talk to her about it, but like your mother she's not ready, and may never be.
I agree that a year in jail could be just what your mother needs. She will have nutritious food (I hope), a routine, medical care and no access of alcohol. Depending on the system, she might even have access to rehab. At the moment she's not going long enough without drinking to really clear her mind. Although it seems harsh, it will also give you and your sister some relief, knowing where she is.
All the best, and I'm glad you came to SR to vent.
My sister drinks excessively. We were once very close, but you can't keep that up with an active A, so our relationship is now at a superficial level. I don't choose to be around her when she's drinking in the evening. Apart from it being socially awkward, I hate seeing what she's doing to herself. In the past I've tried to talk to her about it, but like your mother she's not ready, and may never be.
I agree that a year in jail could be just what your mother needs. She will have nutritious food (I hope), a routine, medical care and no access of alcohol. Depending on the system, she might even have access to rehab. At the moment she's not going long enough without drinking to really clear her mind. Although it seems harsh, it will also give you and your sister some relief, knowing where she is.
All the best, and I'm glad you came to SR to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Hi Vanilla, sounds a lot like many people's stories here. My mom was smart, funny, beautiful, talented - she had it all. And she threw it all away including me and her grandkids for booze. Like you I dealt with the injuries, and the aftermath of injuries, DUI (with my 14 year old child in the car), jail and especially the pain that I experienced through everything and her just laughing it off because she doesn't remember it. I think that's the worst part. She just didn't care. Anyway, i haven't seen or talked to her in over a year now and, while I feel some guilt every now and then, all I have to do is list all the things that happened and the way she used me and didn't care, and I get through the bouts of guilt. Stay strong, place whatever boundaries you feel are good for you and don't let anyone tell you that because you're her child you are obligated somehow to take care of her. Alanon and counseling are good choices, as well as this awesome forum. Nice to have you here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: ca
Posts: 2
Thank you both for your replies. My mom very surprisingly got out of jail (again) because the judge decided to give her a second chance (again) and now she's back on probation/in outpatient. I was pretty upset at first but I'm working hard on letting go because I know I can't control the situation. I'm getting married in a week and I'm doing lots of things to take care of myself and trying to accept whatever may happen on or before then concerning my mom. I took your advice Ajarlson, and I reached out to my old therapist for some "tune up" appointments before the big day and I'm so grateful I did!
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