neversane

I don't know what to do. Last night, I used again. Got to bed around 6am and slept a couple hours, if you could even call it sleep. Had to call out sick from work again because I thought it would be a great idea to take 8 party pills. EIGHT. I made myself take them. It's like I HAD to take them. Just force them down real quick, so you don't have to worry about choosing whether you're taking them or not taking them. It's like my addiction actually forced the pills down my throat, despite at least some small part of me screaming out against it. I suffered them alone and in the silent dark, as usual. I don't even feel good. I keep thinking it's going to be like that first time again.
I'm so tired, but I can't rest. I feel an overwhelming emptiness. I want to call someone for help, but I don't know who I'd call. I couldn't even speak if I had the chance. I probably couldn't verbalize a sentence. I don't even know if this makes any sense.
I'm an alcoholic, and bipolar. I have social anxiety and all sorts of other fun labels. It keeps me from meetings. I tried to go to a meeting a while back, announced myself as a newcomer, but nobody ever approached me or made me feel welcome beyond the speakers' formalities. There was a old guy who had been sober for 100 years, and a bunch of his groupies. I don't know what I expected. Maybe just a hey, I know what you're going through so I don't feel like the most god awful pathetic piece of **** that ever walked the earth. I thought that's how it worked, but maybe I'm wrong.
Can't remember anything. Don't recognize people any more. Can't look at people in the eye. I've driven away my friends and my family. Confused, anxious and defeated. This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum like this. It's the only thing I feel like I can do right now.. My instincts are to delete this just before, or just after posting.

ardy

Hi never sane... I hear you kiddo... maybe that is why I just tapped on... help is everywhere.. you just have to want it... I have been reviewing information on Michael Jackson and his death.. sad he had so much and felt he could do so little.. and in order to sleep he did meds... that is what killed him.. his I have to have and that is all there is too it... my hubby is like that.. so yes I have been on the end of the screaming nut that just has to have it all and is being forced by something other then him.. have Ed on a new depression med.. just one only one... seems to be helping. hahha we put on Wallace and Gromit and the WereRabbit.. he did not make it past the capture of the rabbit and the big pumpkin... love to hear him zzzzzzing...
you hang on to this silly group of people for they have all been in your shoes and socks one day or another.. me too... hugs and so many prayers..
Next time that old Devil Moon is screaming in your head you look at the Man in the Mirror and tell him not this time... Its my Life and I will have a Grand one for a Lady Clown said so... love a Mom...

Anna

I'm glad you found us. And, we do understand how hard this is.

You will find lots of support here, so take a look around.

four812

Wow could I ever related to your post. Those could just as well been my own words a year and a half ago. I often forget how desperate I was when I got sober

Hang in there. And try another meeting !

four812

A different meeting at a different place

Opivotal

Welcome neversane.

Please call 911 if you're in trouble ... 8 pills at once is dangerous.

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, neversane. Living clean and sober is a better way of life, glad you're joining us.

I second what someone else said about trying a different meeting--most of them are very welcoming, sounds like you just hit a lemon.

That being said, there is a ton of great support to be found here. Become an active participant here and I think you'll be amazed at the results.

Wishing you the best today. Be careful, and don't be afraid to go to the doctor. Withdrawals from any addictive substance are serious business.

emme99

Hi & Welcome neversane

My first AA meeting did not go well either. I tried another one at another location and it was much better. My advice would be to try another meeting at a different location and see how it goes. Wishing you the best.

Soberwolf

Welcome NeverSane

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support here can help you get clean and sober for good. It really is a better way to live.

ccam1973

Welcome aboard Neversane. You won't find any lack of support here in this community.

What's your plan moving forward?

hpdw

Your post could have been mine ,so many similarities . Swore to everyone today I would only drink a couple of drinks to keep me from withdrawals but nearly finished the bottle ,why ? like you say you didn't want to but did , I understand 100 percent . I'm hoping to be on my day 1 after this sleep if it will be a sleep . The isolation feeling for me can be overwhelming at times too .
AA is a fantastic fellowship but try another one or two if that one wasn't comfortable .
Wish u well

Dee74

Hi and welcome neversane
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

I'm not in a 12 step programme but it sounds like to me you got a bad meeting - they're all not like that.

Have you seen someone about your anxiety or your BPD?

D

thomas11

Welcome neversane. Do you care to elaborate on what kind of pills you take? Maybe someone can be more specific in trying to help you.

gleefan

Welcome neversane. I never thought I could stop drinking. Meetings and SR showed me it's not only possible to stop, it's possible to thrive in sobriety. Keep coming!

neversane

Thank you all for your replies and for making me feel welcome. I've been resting all day trying to get my head back on straight. Once I start thinking a little more clearly again I plan on coming back to participate quite a bit.

neversane

Thank you. Most likely a mixture of terrible chemicals like amphetamine and MDA, and very little of what is actually supposed to be in them. This is not the first time for me. If I had more of them, I would have eaten them. Each time I use more, and care less about the damage I'm doing while I take them. It had been a very long time since I did it last, but I was drinking heavily. No matter how long I go without the drugs, if I start drinking again, it always leads to this exact place.

neversane

Thank you. I have been in an out of treatment most of my life, but I've never been honest about my substance abuse. I think that's the missing piece.

FormerWineGirl

Welcome neversane, I'm glad you found us. This is a wonderful group of people. Although we are all different - different ages, countries, jobs, etc. we are all very much the same and we help each other with our common goal, living a better, happier, healthier sober life. I hope you stay with us. We all learn from each other.

jseattle

Have you tried an outpatient treatment program for substance abuse? You have a physical dependency and the illness of substance abuse disorder. You are not alone. Everything you describe (including feeling like your addictive self is shoving the pills down your throat) is something we all recognize.

People are all different but for me, I needed doctors and professionals to help me with my illness. If you have cancer you go to an oncologist AND a support group, right? The support group alone may not be enough especially if it is the wrong one. Now that my medical phase is winding down I am going to AA for support but I don't think that alone could have done it.

People here have taken many different paths to recovery. Read up and you will find inspiration for yours.