DustyDreams

So it's been a bit since I've posted. I hadn't really made any progress so there wasn't much to report. If we step back though, the last few weeks have been hell, and I'm trying to decide what is best for me to do. 15 days ago my dad was admitted to the hospital with a serious blood infection and possibly has cancer that is spreading. ABF was beyond supportive for the first 13 days. On that day I come home from visiting dad in the hospital and find him high. He denies it adamantly, and I'm too exhausted at this point to argue. Next day I'm picking up his meds and am told he picked up klonopin (one of his favs) yesterday. Long story short he finds out they told me, jumps all over me about being a sneaky, untrustable, crazy gf, and that it makes him wanna use when I accuse him of something he's not doing. And he still denies the whole thing. Moves on like nothing happened. For the next 10 days he's high every day, can't remember things that happened or when, is a jerk, etc. But he continues to deny. He literally used his recliner for a toilet the other night cause he was too high to wake up and get up. And he was too high to even stand up, much less clean up. Here's my question, would it be best to make sure he's sobered up before I tell him what I know and ask if he's ready for help? I'd like to tell him if he doesn't agree that he's out, but I'm not sure I'm quite there yet (I'm much closer than I was when I first joined here). If I'm not, then I wasn't sure if I should even bother talking with him about what he did. I wanna throw it in his face, but I also finally just want to do something that's going to help me. I used to feel like I'd solved a case and had this satisfied feeling when I finally had proof of what he was using and how and when he got it, etc. I don't care much now. I am just disappointed in him, and me for not knowing I'm strong enough to kick him out. Thoughts?
Sorry for such a lengthy post.
P.S. his explanation for everything that happened is being sick.

atalose

We know what we know we don’t the PROOF, that’s just another way of staying in denial. And when we have that PROOF it doesn’t change a dam thing, because we already knew what we already knew.

If you want him out then kick him out, having an argument with a drug/alcohol saturated brain is pointless. The false belief that catching them while sober is the way to have a meaningful conversation is just that false because anyone who drinks regularly or uses drugs daily NEVER has a sober period until they have abstained for a long period of time, 30 days, 60 days.

How about putting all that effort into having a meaningful conversation with the person looking back at you in the mirror and asking, why do I feel I deserve this and what exactly am I trying to hold onto here.

It’s not easy but getting dragged along because of fear of letting go hurts a lot usually a lot more than the hurt of letting go.

AnvilheadII

ask if he's ready for help.....

what does that really LOOK like inside your head? first, you don't describe someone who sounds ready for anything except another pill. he's in full out DENIAL he's even TAKING anything!!! so that means that YOU want him to get HELP.....change, stop.

if i understand correctly, you've been trying to get him HELP for a long time now..........how's that working out for you two? let's see - he's still using and you sound pretty miserable.

maybe it's time to look at getting YOU some help....whatever that might be. maybe it's time to ask what YOU need, what YOU want....honestly, without worrying over the other guy, for once!!!

keep posting!

DustyDreams

I guess I am just mentally trying to prepare myself for the reality of actually kicking him out. I don't want to have to make that choice because like everybody's else's qualifier that I've read about on here, he's a great person when he's sober. So, I now realize he's not different in his addiction. Again, a small thing to realize but at least I've started to be more honest with myself. I sometimes just can't figure out how I let things get to this point.
Btw, thanks for the advice about the conversation with myself. I picked up my laptop the other day and started journaling again. I think I've been lied to so much and witnessed his denial so much that I quit believing the truth, even from myself. This is so incredibly hard, but I am trying.

DustyDreams

I know deep down that it's not possible to make him want help. I guess I have this fantasy in my head (it happened a couple of years back and he actually stopped for about a year) that he'll run out of his benzos and in a few days his head will clear up and we'll talk. I'll tell him what I know and he'll admit it and he'll go get help. That's what I MAKE it look like in my head. Really, I know if I tell him what I know and ask if he's ready for help it will start a very emotionally draining fight that will leave me hurt and miserable and guilty. I always feel guilty, even when I know I've done nothing wrong! What the heck is wrong with me?!
I am trying hard right now to handle me, to live for me, to focus on my family and the health issues my dad's got going on. I've got enough stress without him adding to it. I am thinking of trying to get back into counseling. It's difficult for me because of finances at the moment, but I'm tired of being miserable. Off and on for FIVE years I've been trying to help him.

kittycat3

Sorry for this struggle. I hope you someday can find the man you truly deserve, and find the strength to put yourself first.

DustyDreams

Thank you kittycat3! It's so hard when the man you want is the one you have. You just want him sober. I am so grateful for everyone's responses to my post. Just the feeling of sharing without judgement and the support from people who actually get me is a weight off my shoulders.

kittycat3

That's the thing Dusty, you can't have him sober. You can't cherrypick here and say I want your good habits but not the bad- that's not how relationships work. And with an addict you will get a lot of those bad habits....
Have you thought about why you would choose to be in a relationship with an addict like this? Maybe with a therapist? Perhaps a lot of good insight to be had if you haven't explored that.