madgirl

I am very proud to say that tomorrow I'll be at 50 days completely sober.

My husband and I have been drinking buddies for a long time, but he can stop at three beers or so and I drink a whole bottle of wine and sometimes steal his remaining beers after he goes to sleep, which he didn't understand. (I don't, either - ugh.)

Anyway, last summer I kept blaming him for bringing alcohol into the house, because I had it in my head that as long as the alcohol was in the refrigerator, I was powerless over it - so I kept drinking. I wanted to move out - separate - and in fact did spend some time at my parents after a nasty fight in the middle of the night.

I came home after many, many horrible texts about "what are you doing to our teenage son?" variety came through, and within a few weeks resumed drinking. He told me that I'd never be able to get sober on my own, and at that point, I believed him.

I finally reached a true breaking point in my heart, and realized I could stop, had to stop. So I did.

While husband has slowed down a bit on the drinking, last night he announced (after having had some drinks) that he's buying marijuana from some guy down the street. I am very liberal in general and don't have a problem with marijuana, but I have decided for me that sobriety from all substances is the best choice as addiction to substances has brought me nothing but misery.

Do you guys think on some level that he's attempting to sabotage my recovery, or is this just purely selfish behavior on his part? Is this just a yucky dance which two addicts engage in within marriage?

2ndhandrose

Congrats on reaching 50 days Awesome!!!

I don't know what the answer is about your husband, maybe a combination of all 3??

I have been sober for 1 year and 4 months and I live with my active alcoholic drinking husband. We have been together for 23 years and have always drank together. When I quit I knew he had no interest in quitting (da Nile ain't just a river ) so this was going to be for me, to save my life.

I guess I am lucky in that my AH's doc is beer which I have never developed a taste for so not a trigger for it to be in the house. And I think he is happier without me drinking as, where as he is a quiet kind of drunk, I was a manic drunk, prone to frequent rages. Fun, huh??!!

I don't know what I am trying to say here, I guess I just want you to know you aren't alone in recovery with a drinking spouse.

Whatever he is up to, you can stay strong and keep piling up the sober days

FreeOwl

Hard to say....

But actually, it doesn't matter.

That sounds rash and maybe uncaring - but let me explain;

What matters is YOUR sobriety and YOUR boundaries and YOUR choices in regard to his behavior.

What matters is that you do whatever it takes to maintain your own sobriety, your own personal growth, your own dedication to honor your choice to live your life free of alcohol and all the destruction it causes.

You can express your feelings to him. You can share your truth with him. You can make requests of him..... but at the end of the day you can't control him, you can't know what's really motivating him, you cannot relate on a deep and truly connected level with him if he is in active addiction himself......


So, you must focus on you. You can love and care for another and still make YOU the priority.

I'm sure it is incredibly difficult to be in recovery and in marriage with someone who is using drugs and alcohol. My wife drinks... but it is only very occasionally and then it's only one drink. She doesn't really like drinking and never has been a big drinker. She hasn't done any sort of drug for many years - mostly as a teenager and then only sparingly. If I were in relationship with someone who held alcohol and drugs as a central part of their lives, I know that it would challenge my sobriety and also that I would have a difficult time truly being intimately connected to them..... so I feel for you. I wish you the best for your highest good and I wish you the strength to make the choices and take the actions necessary to preserve and deepen your sobriety.

Congratulations on 50 days... that's huge.

2ndhandrose

Excellent post, FreeOwl

totfit

You mentioned "two addicts", but it sounds as if your husband is just a normal drinker and cannabis smoker. Folks that have a normal reaction find it extremely difficult to understand how alcohol affects us as it does not affect them that way bodily or mentally. I don't know that he is trying to sabotage your efforts. My wife drinks a glass or two of wine most every night and will have something else if we go out for Mexican. She will have a beer or two on occasion. This used to really bother me and she "offered" not to drink, though never really followed through. Now, it does not bother me in the least. I just have internalized that it is something that may even be good for her, but I am "allergic". I do love that analogy as my reaction to alcohol is absolutely analogous to having an allergy. I don't really have any advice for you, but just try and communicate your feelings as best you can and understand that it is difficult for normal folks to internalize our reaction to alcohol as it is foreign to him. He could possibly be trying to sabotage your efforts, but just as likely or more not.

hopeful4

I think you are wise to not try any substances. Many people substitute one addiction for another.

When I lived with my X who is an addict I absolutely did not keep alcohol in our house nor drink around him. Why even tempt it.

I would say to keep the focus on you, and your own sobriety. Congrats on 50 days, that is wonderful! IT's the best thing you can do for you, or your child.

firstymer

I don't have any advice. You have already received a lot of good advice here (FreeOwl in particular hit it right on the head).

I just wanted to say congratulations on the 50 Days. That is a huge accomplishment. You are over the hump, I think. Keep focused. Keep doing what you are doing. We are proud of you.

Anna

Congratulations on your recovery!

I think you said your husband is not an alcoholic. He can stop drinking when he chooses to. It's possible he won't become addicted to marijuana, who knows? As others have said, it's best and most effective for you to focus on your own recovery. You think your husband might be sabotaging you, I guess time will tell. In the meantime, you are living the best life you can and staying sober.

Surrender2win

Congrats on 50 days Madgirl! That's awesome!

My husband is a daily drinker. We were drinking buddies for most of our marriage. He will often say "Hey, let's meet up with _____ for a drink," or "Do you want to join me for one?" While that really makes me mad, I think it's more that he misses his old drinking buddy rather than trying to sabotage my sobriety. I feel for you. It's a tough one, but doable.

Just remember what FreeOwl said above... It's spot on.

madgirl

I do understand that it is my decision for my own life to commit to sobriety. He probably does on some level miss his drinking buddy, and he'd always try to get me to drink exactly the same amount as he does. He admits he is addicted to alcohol, but doesn't feel it causes real stress in his life because he can stop at three.

Here's the thing, though. I don't want to engage in the pseudo-conversation which he tries to initiate when he's tipsy, because at best it is sort of irritating. We are on different wavelengths. Does that make sense? It'll be even worse when he's high - and while I am open minded about marijuana in general, I really DON'T like the idea of having it in the house in which a 16 year old lives (our son) who is really smart and WILL catch on. (ugh)

Everydaysabonus

Ask him to compromise and only smoke it outside of the house or in the garage. If he smokes inside everything you own will smell of it. My husband is imo a HFA. He thinks not and continues to drink but that is his life. I have to live with it or choose to leave. We can't change people who aren't ready and probably shouldn't try.

Dee74

I don't know whether it's deliberate sabotage, selfishness or just a dumb idea bought about by drinking.

If it comes to fruition, I think it's fair enough to ask him 'what are you doing to our teenage son?'