Ugh......why do I feel like this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Ugh......why do I feel like this?
Its been a while since I posted. Things are somewhat better......RAH has been sober now for 20 months, we moved out of our old toxic house. The move has been great.....that house was like a weight on both our necks dragging us down. We mobed to my unoccupied childhood home......just paying my dad the property taxes and utilities since its paid off. The best part is we are now 1.6 miles from my work and 5 from his. Amazing how that changes your quality of life. Anyhoo....
I work as a nurse on a psychiatric unit at the local hospital. I am doing 12 hour days now.......12 hour shifts are exhausting and drag me down. I always worked second shift (3-11) at my old job and that really is an ideal shift for me. I am NOT a morning person and second shift allows me the opportunity to have time enough to do stuff before work but still get home at a reasonable time. I was given the opportunity by my boss today to work 8 hour evenings for the next 6 weeks to fill some schedule holes until the new night nurse starts. So I will get evening differential plus a bonis because I will be taking over evening charge. Right now its kinda a free for all on evenings between the time the day shift supervisor leaves at 3 and the night shift supervisor gets there at 7 or 11 on the days she works (weekends mostly). I think this could be great for me. RAH was less than enthused. He pouted saying "well I guess Ill never see you then". I was incredulous thinking "I did this shift for 2 years and you never said anything"......oh yeah........he was blacked out drunk during that entire time.
My problem is that I resent the fact that he wants to spend so much time with me. He gets pouty frquently if I make plans that dont include him. I kinda feel resentful and suffocated. I spent SO KUCH damn time with him babysitting his drunk behind not getting to live my life and now I just feel like that all over again kinda. When I want to make a decision for my well being (and more money, our new area cost of living is considerably higher) I STILL cant do it. Blergh. I wish I didnt feel so smothered.
I work as a nurse on a psychiatric unit at the local hospital. I am doing 12 hour days now.......12 hour shifts are exhausting and drag me down. I always worked second shift (3-11) at my old job and that really is an ideal shift for me. I am NOT a morning person and second shift allows me the opportunity to have time enough to do stuff before work but still get home at a reasonable time. I was given the opportunity by my boss today to work 8 hour evenings for the next 6 weeks to fill some schedule holes until the new night nurse starts. So I will get evening differential plus a bonis because I will be taking over evening charge. Right now its kinda a free for all on evenings between the time the day shift supervisor leaves at 3 and the night shift supervisor gets there at 7 or 11 on the days she works (weekends mostly). I think this could be great for me. RAH was less than enthused. He pouted saying "well I guess Ill never see you then". I was incredulous thinking "I did this shift for 2 years and you never said anything"......oh yeah........he was blacked out drunk during that entire time.
My problem is that I resent the fact that he wants to spend so much time with me. He gets pouty frquently if I make plans that dont include him. I kinda feel resentful and suffocated. I spent SO KUCH damn time with him babysitting his drunk behind not getting to live my life and now I just feel like that all over again kinda. When I want to make a decision for my well being (and more money, our new area cost of living is considerably higher) I STILL cant do it. Blergh. I wish I didnt feel so smothered.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Argh Terpgal, I'm an old spinster lady so can't give much input here.
It does sound like the relationship has been through the wringer. Hope you get some support and space.
Hang tough and I hope someone else here has something more useful to say!
It does sound like the relationship has been through the wringer. Hope you get some support and space.
Hang tough and I hope someone else here has something more useful to say!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I feel smothered from time to time; not because my hub is an addict, but because he is pretty OCD and I don't know if you've ever lived with an OCD person, but it can be rather annoying. They don't like it when you spring something new on them & the truth is OCD'ers can be very nice people; good folks, but they tend to be controlling...that's part of their OCD...is the need to control their environment and what goes on around them...when there is a deviation, they don't like that...or even freak out. Thank GOD he is not OCD in everything, but some things and that's enough!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Terp,
It sounds like you need to set some boundaries and assert what you need. He's not going to get what he really wants from you (friendly interaction) if you're pissed and resentful.
Are you able to have time to yourself, enjoying what you like to do with friends or whomever?
It sounds like you need to set some boundaries and assert what you need. He's not going to get what he really wants from you (friendly interaction) if you're pissed and resentful.
Are you able to have time to yourself, enjoying what you like to do with friends or whomever?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
There is no "paying back" in marriage or any relationship. Just because he was black out drunk all that time doesn't void his issues with your schedule.
It sounds like you prefer not to spend too much time with him. If you are feeling smothered tell him...this is a temporary situation so personally I don't see the big deal, except I'm sure he knows it's a schedule you may or will pursue.
Sounds like you two need to have a discussion about his neediness. Don't let it continue since it's bothering you not avoid the subject under the umbrella of a schedule change to get relief. I would think working two different schedules, one on a day and one on a night would leave little time to spend together. If that makes you happy then I assume there are more issues here than him complaining about it.
I am glad to hear you have moved and he has been sober that is awesome!
It sounds like you prefer not to spend too much time with him. If you are feeling smothered tell him...this is a temporary situation so personally I don't see the big deal, except I'm sure he knows it's a schedule you may or will pursue.
Sounds like you two need to have a discussion about his neediness. Don't let it continue since it's bothering you not avoid the subject under the umbrella of a schedule change to get relief. I would think working two different schedules, one on a day and one on a night would leave little time to spend together. If that makes you happy then I assume there are more issues here than him complaining about it.
I am glad to hear you have moved and he has been sober that is awesome!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Terp! Good to have you checking in!
Red has a very wise response here.
My H and I have some bumps in this area of our lives. He works an entry level job and a PT evening job week nights. Many of the 'top earner' dispensations he used to claim in our relationship - somehow they don't quite apply to me now that I'm our top earner. My H uses his night job to stay out of the family routine. I'm not surprised any longer by his choices to isolate. It is how he was raised. He has not done the work to be more emotionally available. When you carefully look at relationships, often being a workaholic is a socially acceptable way to not deal with your home life.
You two should Try to talk through this, Terp.
Red has a very wise response here.
My H and I have some bumps in this area of our lives. He works an entry level job and a PT evening job week nights. Many of the 'top earner' dispensations he used to claim in our relationship - somehow they don't quite apply to me now that I'm our top earner. My H uses his night job to stay out of the family routine. I'm not surprised any longer by his choices to isolate. It is how he was raised. He has not done the work to be more emotionally available. When you carefully look at relationships, often being a workaholic is a socially acceptable way to not deal with your home life.
You two should Try to talk through this, Terp.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal.....is it possible that you are just not that into him, anymore....for some reason/s?
Now, I am just asking....not trying to upset anyone....just a question.....
Also, unresolved resentments can be a constant irritant....
I would also ask....what is the communication between the two of you like, in general?
do you feel like you have to "keep him happy all the time"?
Actually, I can see both sides of the issue.....
I can remember working evenings in the hospital....and my major beef (when I was married) was that there was not enough family time.....
I am sorry, terpGal, not to be more helpful...
Relationships are so complex, and it is hard to know all of the factors over the internet....
What I do know....lol....is that there are constant challenges and situations to be coped with in a marriage....and communication and pulling together, as a team, with consideration of the needs of both parties is the way to navigate the lumps and bumps.....
I think the very bottom line is that you have to LIKE each other, in addition to respect and trust.....
As RedAtlanta suggested, maybe, share your feelings with him.....
dandylion
Now, I am just asking....not trying to upset anyone....just a question.....
Also, unresolved resentments can be a constant irritant....
I would also ask....what is the communication between the two of you like, in general?
do you feel like you have to "keep him happy all the time"?
Actually, I can see both sides of the issue.....
I can remember working evenings in the hospital....and my major beef (when I was married) was that there was not enough family time.....
I am sorry, terpGal, not to be more helpful...
Relationships are so complex, and it is hard to know all of the factors over the internet....
What I do know....lol....is that there are constant challenges and situations to be coped with in a marriage....and communication and pulling together, as a team, with consideration of the needs of both parties is the way to navigate the lumps and bumps.....
I think the very bottom line is that you have to LIKE each other, in addition to respect and trust.....
As RedAtlanta suggested, maybe, share your feelings with him.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Just some more perspective--I've read a lot and been to a few seminars on the male/female dynamic in marriage--and most of my family, friends, and acquaintances seem to fit this...
Women tend to have large networks of support, friendship, and hobbies. Men are more likely to have fewer hobbies and outside friends and confidants--they put most of their social energy into their wives. Many a wife has tired of this and felt choked, sometimes leading to affairs or divorce.
I've been in relationships with two alcoholics. Neither had hobbies other than drinking. Whenever attempting to quit drinking, they were left with a void that they looked to me to help fill--yet I'd built a full life of outside interests, partially because they were never there. So not only did they want to have a somewhat "normal" marriage based on what appears to be a common way men relate to their wives...they wanted it after being completely the OPPOSITE for a very long time. So it was a shock to me and very, very smothering.
My relationships didn't survive for other reasons--but if I still liked and loved them and wanted to make it work--I'd maybe discuss it and research the phenomenon a little together to help him understand it's not rejection, but a healthy realm of balanced activities that you can figure out together. If you sink into only relying on each other to fill time and space, in my opinion that's not healthy--so I'd feel just as you do.
Women tend to have large networks of support, friendship, and hobbies. Men are more likely to have fewer hobbies and outside friends and confidants--they put most of their social energy into their wives. Many a wife has tired of this and felt choked, sometimes leading to affairs or divorce.
I've been in relationships with two alcoholics. Neither had hobbies other than drinking. Whenever attempting to quit drinking, they were left with a void that they looked to me to help fill--yet I'd built a full life of outside interests, partially because they were never there. So not only did they want to have a somewhat "normal" marriage based on what appears to be a common way men relate to their wives...they wanted it after being completely the OPPOSITE for a very long time. So it was a shock to me and very, very smothering.
My relationships didn't survive for other reasons--but if I still liked and loved them and wanted to make it work--I'd maybe discuss it and research the phenomenon a little together to help him understand it's not rejection, but a healthy realm of balanced activities that you can figure out together. If you sink into only relying on each other to fill time and space, in my opinion that's not healthy--so I'd feel just as you do.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
No words of wisdom, Terp--just wanted to share that XAH used to also complain about me not making time for him and that I didn't place him high enough in my priorities. However, HE was the one coming home from work every day and heading upstairs to "work on his airplane models" (euphemism for drink as much as he thought he could get away with w/o me being certain he was drunk), then coming downstairs to eat dinner and watch a movie in a stupor and go to sleep. HE was the one who never recalled conversations or plans. He was gone mentally and emotionally an awful lot of the time but blamed ME for not making him a priority...
We talked recently and he said that he doesn't know what to do w/himself much of the time. Well, I suppose if he doesn't have to spend all that time and energy figuring out how to hide his drinking/smoking/expenditures for those things from me, he does have time on his hands...(not saying he is sober, just that since he is on his own now, there is no need to go thru elaborate subterfuges).
Anyway, I would tend to agree w/those who said to think about whether you might actually be done w/him and should be considering moving on. I understand feeling the obligation of "well, now he is sober, and that's what I said I wanted, so I have to stay, even if I'm still not happy here." It felt like not holding up my end of the bargain, you know? Since he turned out to not even be sober, that point turned out to be moot, in the end and made things easier for me. I understand where it could be more difficult for you b/c he IS sober, so the feeling of "not holding up your end of the deal" could be stronger.
Good luck finding your way thru this thorny part of your path!
We talked recently and he said that he doesn't know what to do w/himself much of the time. Well, I suppose if he doesn't have to spend all that time and energy figuring out how to hide his drinking/smoking/expenditures for those things from me, he does have time on his hands...(not saying he is sober, just that since he is on his own now, there is no need to go thru elaborate subterfuges).
Anyway, I would tend to agree w/those who said to think about whether you might actually be done w/him and should be considering moving on. I understand feeling the obligation of "well, now he is sober, and that's what I said I wanted, so I have to stay, even if I'm still not happy here." It felt like not holding up my end of the bargain, you know? Since he turned out to not even be sober, that point turned out to be moot, in the end and made things easier for me. I understand where it could be more difficult for you b/c he IS sober, so the feeling of "not holding up your end of the deal" could be stronger.
Good luck finding your way thru this thorny part of your path!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I suppose you're just used to (and need) some quiet time as part of your down-time. He's now got to learn that tricky thing of how to pass the time sober, and he's looking to spend more time with you, which he probably doesn't realise isn't necessarily that great a thing. Nothing against him (or my partner) but sometimes people down understand that when you work intensely with People for your work, sometimes you need to want some silent alone time afterwards. My partner still drinks, so I know I'll get some peace for a bit, but understand your irritation at having your space invaded.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Terp, I sympathize. I too am experiencing similar. To me it feels like rAH doesn't trust me, our relationship (or maybe himself). This is not my problem but because of his hovering and need for attention(?) makes me feel like I can't breathe.
I just had a complete melt down with my T earlier this week because of this. I just need some breathing room. I enjoy being by myself and having some quiet time, especially when I have had some serious stressful weeks like I have had the past few months.
I will give you an example - some may know that I live in Houston and might have seen the flooding we have had the past month. One Monday there was no way we could get to work (in fact my office officially closed for the day). I took full advantage of the extra/bonus weekend day. I organized some files, did some computer work, did an extra load of towels that had been in the closet and not used in a while - you know, busy work. H drove me completely crazy. He literally didn't know what to do with himself. Finally by early afternoon I looked at him and told him - "You have to find something to do - you are driving me crazy". This is only one example.
Here is another - I sent him a text letting him know I was running by the grocery store on my way home - asked if he needed me to pick up anything for him - he replied "no" - guess who showed up at the grocery store? Really? Are you serious? WTH do you think I am doing? He can’t be home alone so if he knows I will be late he generally will stay late at work (you get the idea). He cannot be alone.
We do stuff together all the time. Date nights (usually just dinner). We generally enjoy each other’s company. I know this needs to be a boundary for me I am just unsure how, exactly to enforce it or handle the situations. I have told him numerous times he needs to find a hobby – he hasn’t. Again, we are not fighting or arguing but it is like he needs constant reassurance and companionship.
I don’t have any advice for you – just know that you are not alone.
I just had a complete melt down with my T earlier this week because of this. I just need some breathing room. I enjoy being by myself and having some quiet time, especially when I have had some serious stressful weeks like I have had the past few months.
I will give you an example - some may know that I live in Houston and might have seen the flooding we have had the past month. One Monday there was no way we could get to work (in fact my office officially closed for the day). I took full advantage of the extra/bonus weekend day. I organized some files, did some computer work, did an extra load of towels that had been in the closet and not used in a while - you know, busy work. H drove me completely crazy. He literally didn't know what to do with himself. Finally by early afternoon I looked at him and told him - "You have to find something to do - you are driving me crazy". This is only one example.
Here is another - I sent him a text letting him know I was running by the grocery store on my way home - asked if he needed me to pick up anything for him - he replied "no" - guess who showed up at the grocery store? Really? Are you serious? WTH do you think I am doing? He can’t be home alone so if he knows I will be late he generally will stay late at work (you get the idea). He cannot be alone.
We do stuff together all the time. Date nights (usually just dinner). We generally enjoy each other’s company. I know this needs to be a boundary for me I am just unsure how, exactly to enforce it or handle the situations. I have told him numerous times he needs to find a hobby – he hasn’t. Again, we are not fighting or arguing but it is like he needs constant reassurance and companionship.
I don’t have any advice for you – just know that you are not alone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Last year you had posted that you didn't think you felt "that way" (romantic love) toward him anymore. Has that changed? If not, that may be fueling some of what's going on here--on both sides. He may want extra reassurance, you may still be feeling "meh" about the marriage.
I know relationships are not static, so maybe that's no longer an issue, just wondering.
I know relationships are not static, so maybe that's no longer an issue, just wondering.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe you are still reacting from your "past" place.....you don't need his permission to change your work schedule. and he is allowed to have his own feelings to the change, even if they aren't perfectly joyously happy and merged with your own.
maybe now that he's sober, he really does like spending time with you? maybe he was just thinking of you not being there at night? or maybe he's just worried where his dinner is going to come from if you aren't there to cook? hard to say.
its good to acknowledge your own irritation and try to pinpoint where that is coming from.
maybe now that he's sober, he really does like spending time with you? maybe he was just thinking of you not being there at night? or maybe he's just worried where his dinner is going to come from if you aren't there to cook? hard to say.
its good to acknowledge your own irritation and try to pinpoint where that is coming from.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I am recalling, in a book written by Roslyn Carter after Jimmy Carter first left the Presidency----that he followed her around the house like a "puppy"....He would even stand next to her and watch her water the flowers...lol..
(He later developed a l ot of activities to be involved in).
I can remember that when my stepfather first retired....my mother said that he drove her crazy by being around the house and upsetting the routine that she had developed over the years.....
On the other hand....we often hear, on this forum, from members that complain that those spouses that are involved in AA become so involved in AA activities that there is no time left for them as a couple.....?
I wonder if AA might not be a way to get him "out of your hair".....?
I read, somewhere, something written by a marriage therapist----that couples have an unspoken (usually) "agreement" about how much closeness or distance that they are comfortable with.....and, that if one or the other wants more closeness or distance---there is hell to pay......
Also...introverts tend to want/need more alone time than extroverts.....
dandylion
(He later developed a l ot of activities to be involved in).
I can remember that when my stepfather first retired....my mother said that he drove her crazy by being around the house and upsetting the routine that she had developed over the years.....
On the other hand....we often hear, on this forum, from members that complain that those spouses that are involved in AA become so involved in AA activities that there is no time left for them as a couple.....?
I wonder if AA might not be a way to get him "out of your hair".....?
I read, somewhere, something written by a marriage therapist----that couples have an unspoken (usually) "agreement" about how much closeness or distance that they are comfortable with.....and, that if one or the other wants more closeness or distance---there is hell to pay......
Also...introverts tend to want/need more alone time than extroverts.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
My problem is that I resent the fact that he wants to spend so much time with me. He gets pouty frquently if I make plans that dont include him. I kinda feel resentful and suffocated. I spent SO KUCH damn time with him babysitting his drunk behind not getting to live my life and now I just feel like that all over again kinda. When I want to make a decision for my well being (and more money, our new area cost of living is considerably higher) I STILL cant do it. Blergh. I wish I didnt feel so smothered.
This sticks out to me. I've spent a lot of time trying to learn about resentments. A strong feeling that someone has wronged us and it colors every part of our relationship with them. It sounds like there is some hurt from the past that has persisted into the present. Perhaps working on the resentment piece of it could be helpful.
A therapist once told me: relationships are like accordions. sometimes two people are far apart and sometimes they are closer together. if they're too close, it's too much "us" and not enough "me" and "you". but if we are too far apart, there is too much "me" and "you" and not enough "us". The goal being to find a balance somewhere in between there.
This sticks out to me. I've spent a lot of time trying to learn about resentments. A strong feeling that someone has wronged us and it colors every part of our relationship with them. It sounds like there is some hurt from the past that has persisted into the present. Perhaps working on the resentment piece of it could be helpful.
A therapist once told me: relationships are like accordions. sometimes two people are far apart and sometimes they are closer together. if they're too close, it's too much "us" and not enough "me" and "you". but if we are too far apart, there is too much "me" and "you" and not enough "us". The goal being to find a balance somewhere in between there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
I suppose my reasons for feeling this way are multi factorial. The more I really think about it, this clingy behavior has been around for a ling time. I have really tomanticized the early part of our relationship in my memory........before he started drinking alcoholically. But the more I think, he was sort of clingy even then. We met in college. We were both in the freek system. I was VERY involved in ky sorority and enjoyed and valued the friendships I made there. Even when we started dating senior year and got really serious, I made him walk me home every night instead of staying with him. He pouted about that. I never missed dinner at the house. He pouted about that. Sometimes he would pout about me deciding to go out with the girls instead of coming to a party at his house, and he was EXTRA not cool with me going to a party at another house with my sisters. I suppose it didnt bother me too much then because I was on the blissful new relationship high.
Idk........at times I feel like I missed out on having true independence. I never really had any time as an adult living on my own (and I dont count college as that, I think for my generation college is like sleep qway high school 2.0). We started dating senior year and while I did have my own apartment whwn I graduated, he was always there. The linvest we have ever been apart was when he was at rehab. I feel kealous sometimes of the 20 something women of today that get to hang with their friends and essentially do whatever they want. Sometimes the idea of not having to answer to anyone is really appealing. Not necessarily not be in a relationship with HIM......but not be in one with ANYONE.
I get the needing alone time too. I am a psych nurse. My wor exhausts and drains me. When I get home, I just want quiet and time to decompress but the second I het home, he wants me to tell him in detail all about what happened that day. Usually I do NOT feel like talking about it and he gets pouty then too if I dont dive right into story time. I have told him this and it hasnt changed anything.
Its also true he doesnt know what to do with himself. He doesnt have many friends or interests really. He does go to the gym most days but thats it. I wish he WOULD go hang out with friends or go do something. My best friend of 22 years just moved back into town and I plan on spending a lot of time with her this summer. I know its going to bother him. It sucks. I just want to be able to do my own thing sometimes. We dont have to be together every second of every day!
And its true I am still kind of on the fence about this relationship. Part of it is that I do feel obligated, since I have gotten what I wanted so to speak. Part of it is that while I long for independence it frightens the ever loving beejesus out of me. Part of it is thag he knows everything about me. We share a lot of the same tastes, same sense of humor. I dont want to have to start all over again with someone else. I also have this problem with black and white thinking. He cant be an inherently good person that has flaws and made bad choices, a lot of the time to me, he is just a bad person that needs to be punished for what he did to me. But there are other times I dont feel that way. Its so hard. So hard to make up my mind.
Idk........at times I feel like I missed out on having true independence. I never really had any time as an adult living on my own (and I dont count college as that, I think for my generation college is like sleep qway high school 2.0). We started dating senior year and while I did have my own apartment whwn I graduated, he was always there. The linvest we have ever been apart was when he was at rehab. I feel kealous sometimes of the 20 something women of today that get to hang with their friends and essentially do whatever they want. Sometimes the idea of not having to answer to anyone is really appealing. Not necessarily not be in a relationship with HIM......but not be in one with ANYONE.
I get the needing alone time too. I am a psych nurse. My wor exhausts and drains me. When I get home, I just want quiet and time to decompress but the second I het home, he wants me to tell him in detail all about what happened that day. Usually I do NOT feel like talking about it and he gets pouty then too if I dont dive right into story time. I have told him this and it hasnt changed anything.
Its also true he doesnt know what to do with himself. He doesnt have many friends or interests really. He does go to the gym most days but thats it. I wish he WOULD go hang out with friends or go do something. My best friend of 22 years just moved back into town and I plan on spending a lot of time with her this summer. I know its going to bother him. It sucks. I just want to be able to do my own thing sometimes. We dont have to be together every second of every day!
And its true I am still kind of on the fence about this relationship. Part of it is that I do feel obligated, since I have gotten what I wanted so to speak. Part of it is that while I long for independence it frightens the ever loving beejesus out of me. Part of it is thag he knows everything about me. We share a lot of the same tastes, same sense of humor. I dont want to have to start all over again with someone else. I also have this problem with black and white thinking. He cant be an inherently good person that has flaws and made bad choices, a lot of the time to me, he is just a bad person that needs to be punished for what he did to me. But there are other times I dont feel that way. Its so hard. So hard to make up my mind.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal.....I notice that you never said that you love him (unless I missed that)....
Now, I don't want to make too much out of that...but, it is a bit unusual, on this forum. LOL...most people seem to mention that..no matter how bad the circumstances are...
.Sometimes, as people grow into adulthood...couples grow apart....
What seems to have worked, in one stage of development, doesn't fit the bill as new or different needs arise....(I am just spitballing, here).....
Most people who have stayed sober for 20 months will have had some program of sobriety ....although, there are some who can "whiteknuckle" it for long periods of time......
Sobriety is more than just putting down the bottle...the steps of AA helps to make the necessary I nternal changes....and, the internal changes are what are important (it is an inside job).......
Now, it is not your job to direct his sobriety..but, I am just saying this for your benefit.....
Have you all had any couples counseling....or, have you ever thought of individual counseling for yourself---to support you in getting some clarity about what you really want?
When you say that you don't want to start all over again with somebody new.....well, maybe you don't need or want somebody new.....
Maybe you need more of a sense of self. A relationship should be more than just a "security blanket".......
I think your I nner stirrings are telling you something. And, I think it is good that you are talking about it!
dandylion
Now, I don't want to make too much out of that...but, it is a bit unusual, on this forum. LOL...most people seem to mention that..no matter how bad the circumstances are...
.Sometimes, as people grow into adulthood...couples grow apart....
What seems to have worked, in one stage of development, doesn't fit the bill as new or different needs arise....(I am just spitballing, here).....
Most people who have stayed sober for 20 months will have had some program of sobriety ....although, there are some who can "whiteknuckle" it for long periods of time......
Sobriety is more than just putting down the bottle...the steps of AA helps to make the necessary I nternal changes....and, the internal changes are what are important (it is an inside job).......
Now, it is not your job to direct his sobriety..but, I am just saying this for your benefit.....
Have you all had any couples counseling....or, have you ever thought of individual counseling for yourself---to support you in getting some clarity about what you really want?
When you say that you don't want to start all over again with somebody new.....well, maybe you don't need or want somebody new.....
Maybe you need more of a sense of self. A relationship should be more than just a "security blanket".......
I think your I nner stirrings are telling you something. And, I think it is good that you are talking about it!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I know the feeling.
Right now my significant other is in prison, but when he was home and we were both using he would have no problem going off doing whatever but it I wanted to go do something..oh I was abandoning him.
Now that he is in prison he is always worried about what I am doing where I am. I have been sober for over 9 months and am going to go back to school. I guess he feels threatened but I am not going to let him hold me back on that. I refuse.
Sometimes even though someone is sober, they still need a lot more counseling and introspection into themselves. Someone can be sober and not actually be in recovery. He is still in the selfish addict mindset. He needs to do some more work on himself
Right now my significant other is in prison, but when he was home and we were both using he would have no problem going off doing whatever but it I wanted to go do something..oh I was abandoning him.
Now that he is in prison he is always worried about what I am doing where I am. I have been sober for over 9 months and am going to go back to school. I guess he feels threatened but I am not going to let him hold me back on that. I refuse.
Sometimes even though someone is sober, they still need a lot more counseling and introspection into themselves. Someone can be sober and not actually be in recovery. He is still in the selfish addict mindset. He needs to do some more work on himself
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
terpGal.....AdelineRose caused me to think of another thing...lol.....
If your husband has been with you since college days....and he was sort of "clingy" then.....at least, by your definition.....
Some people do have a dependent type personality....has been dependent on alcohol to cope and feels dependent on you to fill his time and cope....
I am, again, spitballing.......trying to give you some ideas to ponder on.....
dandylion
If your husband has been with you since college days....and he was sort of "clingy" then.....at least, by your definition.....
Some people do have a dependent type personality....has been dependent on alcohol to cope and feels dependent on you to fill his time and cope....
I am, again, spitballing.......trying to give you some ideas to ponder on.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I stayed with my first husband for a long time (even had two kids with him), feeling pretty much the same way you do (though in his case he wasn't clingy, it was other things that bothered me). I, too, felt like he'd had such a great recovery (he actually got sober a year before we got married) that it seemed like a slap in the face to consider leaving him. I cared for him very much, he was (and is) a great guy, I just didn't feel "that way."
Turns out, after a couple of other relationships, that I'm actually happier on my own. Not everyone needs a relationship to feel "complete." Yeah, it was a little scary venturing off on my own. I ran to a couple of bad-choice relationships (one with an active alcoholic, one with someone who had some other serious issues) before I woke up to the fact that I'd been running from one relationship to another since high school.
It's been eleven years since my last relationship ended, and I'm happy on my own and don't see myself in any more. I'll never say never, but I can't imagine what it would take for me to give up my independence at this point.
One of the conclusions I eventually came to was that my first husband--great guy that he was--deserved someone who truly appreciated and valued him. He has that now. His second wife is a lovely woman who welcomes me to stay at their home when I visit my kids. They are happy, I'm happy. Win-win.
Just something to think about.
Turns out, after a couple of other relationships, that I'm actually happier on my own. Not everyone needs a relationship to feel "complete." Yeah, it was a little scary venturing off on my own. I ran to a couple of bad-choice relationships (one with an active alcoholic, one with someone who had some other serious issues) before I woke up to the fact that I'd been running from one relationship to another since high school.
It's been eleven years since my last relationship ended, and I'm happy on my own and don't see myself in any more. I'll never say never, but I can't imagine what it would take for me to give up my independence at this point.
One of the conclusions I eventually came to was that my first husband--great guy that he was--deserved someone who truly appreciated and valued him. He has that now. His second wife is a lovely woman who welcomes me to stay at their home when I visit my kids. They are happy, I'm happy. Win-win.
Just something to think about.
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