Charliee

My relapses always seem to be around a milestone. 30 days, 60 days, whatever. I just made 60 days again and nothing in my life is even close to where I think it should be. I am starting to get a slight case of the "**** it's" again. I still have my health, husband and children, but no job, no license and no self respect.

least

If you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be able to stay sober.

Dee74

It took me a long time to sort out the mess my drinking had caused tho Charliee - a lot longer than 60 days.

Do you think your expectations of yourself might be impossibly high?

you wouldn't be the first one of us to set the bar so high you can never reach it, and so feel the urge to turn back to drinking?

D

Meraviglioso

Hmm, that's a tough one. The thing that stuck out at my about your post was your last line, that you are lacking self respect. to me that seems to be the key. If you can find a way to improve your self respect you certainly wouldn't want to go back to drinking and the mess it created for you. I can tell you one thing that I know from experience, taking that first drink will do NOTHING to help with the lack of self respect, it will only damage it even more and more.
You have 60 amazing days sober, which is a huge accomplishment. Even if each day has been a struggle and hasn't always been joyful or great, it is something to be happy for and proud of.
Are you seeing a therapist or someone who can help you with your self esteem issues? I would suggest starting there.

doggonecarl

Sixty days is awesome. But we alcoholics have coping problems, even with success. Our ability to self-destruct is puzzling. Why would you decide to turn your back on two months sobriety?

Don't turn drinking into something you deserve because your life hasn't completly turned around yet.

Gottalife

I've seen a similar thing in AA with folks who do 90 meetings in 90 days and then celebrate with a drink or three.

I didnn't fall in that trap because I somehow realised there was more to AA than just meetings. I did somewhere near ninety meetings but I took the idea to be symbolic and really meaning 90 days of total immersion in AA, so I got a sponsor and worked the steps as well. By 90 days the drink problem had gone and I have never needed a drink since.

My point is that it can be extremely difficult to just not drink. Permanent recovery can be elusive unless we make other changes. Perhaps you can find a suitable program to help you with that.

Easy2slip

Congrats on 60 days.

Have a great day!

Nonsensical

I doubt you consider your health, husband and children to be nothing.

Take the keyboard away from your AV. It's typing nonsense.

Congrats on 60 days.

SoberLife90

Just keep staying sober one day at a time. At 60 days I had the support of my family and friends. A buddy may have also got me a job by that time too, but I needed to prove a year of sobriety before I could even ask to get my license back. Just keep plugging away. We don't want to go back to the hell that was our drinking lives.

ALinNS

60 days is a tremendous feat, you are doing great.

In my own life, those I have met working a plan and reading a lot, Self respect is very often destroyed by addictions, it took me a few months to work on this and get things back on track. Here is a google search with a ton of reading material, perhaps some will help you or give you pause to think.

Andrew

https://www.google.ca/search?q=regai...IYzq-AGguK6ACw

graced333

At around the 6 year mark in my past of attempting to find long term sobriety (I wasn't really sober - taking prescribed benzos), I decided it was a swell idea to go back and do more research on drinking. Lost my secure job, lost my childrens AND grandchildrens' respect, health, and almost my husband. At a little over 90 days of complete sobriety, I count myself so very blessed to even be alive. Ever so slowly, I am regaining my children and grandchildren's respect back, the good job is long gone, I have a small part time job, my health is far better, and my husband does speak to me sometimes. Of course, this is my story.

Aellyce

Hi Charliee. I also found that there is something about handling anniversaries the wrong way, which perhaps includes expecting too much from milestones. I relapsed close to my 2-year sober anniversary (which is also close to my birthday). In trying to figure out the connection between these things, one factor that came to mind for me is similar to what you raise about self esteem. I have a weird relationship with that myself, meaning that on some superficial levels I sometimes seem to be very self-confident, but on deepest levels there is a lot of insecurity and self doubt, even straight refusal to acknowledge my own significance. I think often this causes me to deny or reject the significance of natural and positive accomplishments -- as though I did not deserve the healthy reward. But because we are wired to seek rewarding experiences anyway, often this manifests in unhealthy ways, excess, and self destructive behaviors.

I am nearing ~1 month sober after my relapse and one thing I really want to work on is focusing on my true needs, which includes a healthier form of self esteem. From my experience so far with this, I think it can be hard to do on my own -- genuine ongoing support is essential. Also, as others pointed out, self respect can come more effectively from actively working towards worthwhile goals and acknowledging even little achievements while creating them, rather than hoping to somehow find it somewhere...

Have you thought about doing something quite different to celebrate your 60 days? Something small, simple and healthy that you have always wanted and is affordable to you, but outside of your usual activities?

graced333

oh, also lost my license for 3 years. Can get an interlock device after a year.

Bunny211

30 days, 60 days, 90 days....a GREAT start. However, you have not achieved long term sobriety yet. It is very frustrating early on when our lives do not seem to be getting better as fast as we would like. Going back out never worked for you before...it won't work now. You've heard the definition of insanity before right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You know what it is like to drink but you don't know what it is like to stay sober for the long haul. I'm at almost a year and just last night, as I was sharing in a meeting, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that hey I am not ever going to drink again and I don't miss it and I don't ever want to go back! I felt like things were going to be ok...I'd be ok....life would happen and I would be able to handle it. That's the FIRST time I have felt that sense of relief and peace...and I am nearly a year sober. I don't mean to scare you...all of my first year sobriety has not been as scary and painful as it was those first few months...it DOES get better and easier and less scary. But it takes time. Give yourself the gift of time...sit back and take a few deep breaths. Try something new...try sobriety.

I made a pact with myself that I could give this a year. If I hated life after a year sober I would go back out and drink. You know what, I don't hate life. I am so thankful I am sober. I don't ever want to go back! Take it in small increments. Tell yourself "I'm not going to drink today." Then do the same thing tomorrow. Alcohol will always be there waiting for you if you want to go back out. But give your mind, body and spirit time to heal and adjust before you decide to stick your foot into the hornet's nest again.

Soberwolf

AnvilheadII

i don't know of anyone who was able to completely rebuild their life from the ground up in two months!? you might to readjust your timeline a smidge.......and your expectations.

you are sober today. your husband and kids are still with you. there are people who would consider that better than hitto the Powerball..........

Winslow

I've always relapsed somewhere around 40 days in my many,many quits,not sure if it was PAWS kicking in, high expectations, thinking I was "cured" by then,I know to be on guard just a little bit more during certain times,PMS is a biggie too,full moon(weird but true)

AnvilheadII

I found this article about Flare Up Periods VERY helpful in early recovery - or any place along the path! speaks directly to those milestones....

Flare Up Periods

Babescake

Sorry, I just had to quote this for my own similarity (the full moon part). Sleep and behavior seriously seems to diminish for most people when that moon is bright. It is amazing how the universe works.

Winslow

Wow Anvilhead,thanks for that link,I'm gonna be sure and bookmark this thread,I've never heard of flare-ups before