jada1981

So, I know in Codependent No More, she makes reference to never being able to get anything done and always saying that tomorrow will be better. Has anyone else found this to be true? For me, this is something I have always struggled with! Of course, I think it's exacerbated by having two young children and a fulltime job, as well.

I also feel like I have been cheated out of enjoying motherhood thus far. My kids are 2 and 5 and I am just now beginning to not view taking care of them as this almost impossible thing to do. In the past, the thought of taking both of them by myself somewhere frightened me or being home with them by myself all day, but now I realize the feelings were all part of my own sickness of codependency and living in a permanent state of mini-depression.

I've been able to be more productive lately (probably from having more energy), but I feel like I still have to really tell myself to take things one thing at a time when I think about my neverending list of to dos.

CentralOhioDad

I understand how you feel. I have a 6 year-old with an AW at home, and do most of the housework myself, plus put him to bed every night, plus have a full-time job. (Hence my signature: "No time to fart"). It does get overwhelming day-after-day when you: not only get stuck doing most everything, but you have to deal with the stress of living with an active A.

I still need to get and read that book.

CODad

hopeful4

I do think it has gotten better for me. One thing is that my kids have gotten older (10 and 16). I have also put a rule onto my kids that they can only play one sport at a time. I make lists that are attainable and try to do only what is on that list for the day. I've also learned to let some stuff go. I went for two days this week with no dog food and no clean towels LOL.

I fed the dog left over BBQ and gasp...used a dirty towel. (My kids think they can only use a towel once. My eldest used a blowdryer to dry off LOL). I go to bed on time, every night. That has given me a lot more energy and a lot more calm.

I realized that in all of my trying to get stuff done, I was not spending the quality time I could be with my kids. So I had to rearrange my priorities.

Hugs. It really does get better.

dandylion

jada.....my kids are grown, now...but I sure can relate to being a single mother with three small children...after I divorced my narcissistic husband...
I also had a full time job...and, after a while, I went back to school fulltime (did not work at a separate job while attending a very intensive educational program for 2years)......

The reality of having 2 small children, I discovered, required me to establish a priority of expectations of myself. It is a good thing that I was not very "OCD" to begin with, because I think it is harder for that type of person to make the adjustment.
My approach became more in the realm of "Keep It simple, Stupid".....and "Take care of the squeaky wheel, first"......lol.....

I think all mothers feel exhausted and frustrated, at times. It is a lot like managing a moving caravan....or, shoveling snow while it is still snowing.
BUT....I found it so much less mentally and emotionally taxing when I was finally away from my husband and mentally detached from him.....

to answer your question, Yes...I do think that the incredible drain that co-dependency and any level of depression makes everything feel like more of an uphill climb......
I don't think there is any way to overestimate what a drain it is on a person's life....

dandylion

SadInTX

I also have two younger kids...I work full time...so I can totally understand and relate. I left my AH three months ago and even though I know it was the best thing for them I sometimes get down on myself...this is not how I imagined my kids growing up...in an apartment...but I tell them (and myself) it is only temporary until I can get a house. I use a planner (phone and hard copy) to keep organized.
I too am co dependent...I was told by several people I could not raise my kids by myself...well, they are all wrong...I am doing it...and will continue to do it...and so can you! Thanks for posting...I needed to read this today..I was having one of those mornings where I was doubting myself...

jada1981

Thank you, everyone. It's nice to hear others who can relate! I think my biggest problem is that instead of just looking at the first item on the list and getting it done, I instead just look at everything and all the thoughts floating in my head, get overwhelmed and decide to just procastinate and get NOTHING done! However, like I mentioned, it does seem to be getting better.

Kboys

Hi Jada,
I definitely relate to this as well. My kids are 3 and 4 and I work full-time. I've posted some recently about the struggles I'm having. It is all VERY overwhelming at times.
It's been hard for me to let things go (and not feel like I'm failing as a mother and as a person when I do so) but the reality is that it is just not possible to get everything done, or do all the activities I wish we/I could do, and that's okay. I keep telling myself that.
As long as my kids are happy and healthy... maybe brush their teeth once in a while... and I'm doing the best I can for them and for myself, I need to be okay with that.
You're doing a great job, Jada!!!
Sending hugs

imsober4me

My therapist told me to make a list every day and physically check things off. Some days I get through my list and some days I don't. And that's OK. Hugs

Praying

Hi- I'm a single mom, and my boys have now reached 14 and 16...and so often in the past I was stressed about not getting things done and not having enough time. I followed hopeful's plan--do what NEEDS doing and take time for me even if the house is a wreck. True friends don't care. (And lol on the dog food--I do that more often than I'd like to admit!)

I also believe in mental health days, and if at all possible (lots of times we save our time off for sick kids), I take one every few months and just BE.

My house and what I do for the kids (hot meals, routines, etc.) SO doesn't match my married friends. It also doesn't match the vision I had of my "motherhood story". It never will.

But...I overheard my 16-year old on the phone a few days ago saying "My mom isn't strict about a whole lot. The things she cares about are mostly just things related to our character and who we choose to be."

In the midst of my still-dirtier-than-I'd-like, still-too-much-takeout life...I called this a win.

You're doing great, and it will matter!

FireSprite

Ah, you need to practice my 2-Do List.

It goes like this - every day I pick the 2 MOST important things that I absolutely HAVE to complete before the end of the day.

Those are the ONLY 2 things that go on my list for the day, and get my primary focus. Usually, they are completed fairly quickly which makes me feel accomplished & generally encourages me to do more.

Then as I continue "doing things" throughout the day, I add them to the list when I complete them & cross them right off again. At the end of the day I feel very good about what I've achieved & no matter what, the most important items ALWAYS get addressed first.... I'm always blown away at that point by how much I accomplished that day instead of obsessing over the things still left on the list undone.... it's a mental game for sure.


fwiw - I had a much, much harder time with everything when DD was younger. Like Kboys - sometimes just getting through the day WAS the biggest accomplishment I could envision. All of you with kiddos under age 10 have A LOT on your plates & need to remember that when it comes to cutting yourselves some slack!