Al-anon question

Old 05-04-2016, 12:14 AM
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Al-anon question

I have a question for those who attend Al-anon:

I've attended 2 meetings in the last 2 weeks and I'm a little confused about "the program". Both meetings have consisted of members (about 5 or 6 of us) reading the steps/traditions, and various bits of pieces of text from the literature and then whoever reads the text discusses what it means to them and their situation. We go around in a circle, taking turns.

That's fine, but I'm a little confused. Everyone (all veterans between about 5 and 15 years in the program) talks about how wonderful the "program" is, and how it's changed their life and they're a better person for it, etc etc. However, I am yet to find out what this magical program is. Is it the 12 steps (taken from AA, which don't make much sense to me in the context of a person who is not the alcoholic - am I supposed to be taking responsibility for the As problem?)? Is it in the multiple literature books that I can't afford? Or is the program just sitting around and getting things off your chest? Am I not "getting it", because I have very little to do with my A anymore and am struggling to relate?

I'm trying to decide if Al-anon is right for me and today zoned out because all that was talked about was how wonderful the program was. I left frustrated.
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Old 05-04-2016, 04:09 AM
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The "program" is the Steps, and you apply them to your OWN life. You are powerless over alcohol. True, isn't it? Was anything you did enough to control or cure someone else's drinking? Has your life become unmanageable? Mine sure did.

The focus is on YOU--most of us living with alcoholism got pretty nuts in our own well-meaning way. It harmed us. It harmed others (when you're dealing with someone else's drinking 24/7 we tend to neglect other areas of our lives).

A lot of Al-Anon focuses on letting go of the need to control others, or even outcomes in our own lives. If we keep our focus on ourselves, doing the next right thing, keeping our own side of the street clean, and trusting that our Higher Power (which could be the power of the universe if you don't believe in a deity) will handle things without our help, our lives become much simpler and free-er.

I'd suggest asking to borrow someone's copy of "How Al-Anon Works," looking for it in your public library, or finding a used copy online.
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Old 05-04-2016, 06:51 AM
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I know what you mean--I've been going to Alanon as my work schedule has allowed for a few years now and it's been a sloooooow process for me to understand, too. At times I get impatient w/sitting in a circle of people saying one after the other "I'm grateful for the Program b/c my life is so much better now", too. I find it much more helpful when the speaker talks about what changed and how it changed.

You've been to 2 meetings; were they 2 different meetings or the same meeting on 2 different weeks? Different meetings can have very different flavors to them. The rule of thumb I've heard is to give it 6 meetings before you decide, and try several different meetings if at all possible.

I'm lucky enough to have quite a few meetings in my area, some of which I think are wonderful and some of which feel a bit "clique-y" or just plain not useful. I'd encourage you to try a variety of meetings, even if it means a time that's not quite as convenient or a drive that's a little longer.

I know I only wanted to go at the time that was most convenient and the location that was closest. The meeting I finally began to attend regularly is NOT the closest or the "best" time, but for me, it was the "best" meeting--and hey, my recovery is important and deserves to be given the time and commitment it needs, right?

I'd also like to reiterate what Lexie said about reading the literature. That really helped clarify things for me. And sometimes you'll find meetings that are "book study" meetings where a book such as "How Alanon Works" or "Paths to Recovery" is worked thru systematically; maybe that more structured kind of setting would be more useful to you.

I agree that the books are pricey when new. Your local library may carry some Alanon materials; if not, your library may be part of a network where materials from other locations can be brought in for you at no cost. Amazon is a great source of inexpensive Alanon materials and is where I bought all of mine. Here is a hardcover copy of "How Alanon Works" that costs a penny; shipping is 3.99 and total is $4. http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listi...=used&qid=&sr= This is common, at least in my experience.

If that amount is still prohibitive, some Alanon groups have a lending library that you could check items out of. Some groups maintain a library of literature that has been donated by members and which is there expressly to be given to new members who are in dire straits. You can contact your regional Alanon office and see if they have free literature available; sometimes there is a stock of donated materials designated for those in need.

You might find a good start on understanding Alanon simply by visiting the international web site, too-- http://www.al-anon.org/ .

And you know, Alanon isn't for everyone. If you give it a good shot and decide against it, well, that's the way it goes. But for me, altho I don't necessarily agree w/every single thing said, I do "take what I like and leave the rest." The "what I like" is enough to keep me coming back.

Kudos to you for exploring this option.
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Old 05-04-2016, 08:04 AM
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I HATED my first Alanon meeting. It was the newcomer's meeting at the treatment center and when I walked in a woman shoved some books at me and said, "These are for sale." I used the last money I had to buy them because it felt so awkward to explain to a stranger that I couldn't really afford them.
I almost walked out right then, but I stayed and sat through it, feeling annoyed and resentful the whole time. It seemed like everyone there was either in a long marriage to a sober alcoholic or there for their loved one in the treatment center. It made no sense to me. I had basically fled with my children to get away from "my" alcoholic. The last thing I wanted to hear was a bunch of Perfect Pollyannas talking about how great their lives were "because of the program," lol.
There was one of the readings that stuck with me though, and made me think that this MIGHT not be total crap, and they gave me a schedule of other meetings. I was also told to try six, but there was no way. I was going to give this Alanon thing ONE more shot and that was it.
There was a daytime meeting on Tuesdays, perfect because the kids were at school and I work evenings. I walked in the door and a woman hugged me and said, "Welcome, you're in the right place." Someone else handed me a copy of How Alanon Works and told me it was the group's gift to me as a newcomer.
I was amazed at the difference and "kept coming back." After a couple of months I worked up the courage to sign up to lead a meeting. After a couple more months our group representative got a new job and was no longer able to attend the morning meeting, and somehow I got nominated and voted in as the new GR. The first district meeting was on my birthday that year. The next year I was asked to co-chair a large annual event. This year I was the chair. I never in a million years would have foreseen that based on my first meeting.
Our group recently ran low on funds and there was a suggestion to stop giving out the free book to newcomers. Instead we took up a collection and raised enough money to buy a dozen copies. I put in a significant contribution, because my financial situation has changed for the better and I remember that feeling when that member put a copy in my hand and thanked me for being there.
I hope you can find a meeting that is a good fit for you. I could never have foreseen all the positive changes that working the steps and service work have brought to my life.
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Old 05-04-2016, 08:29 AM
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LS, I think it's a great big deal that they gave you a book at your first meeting. I also got a book at my first "beginner's meeting."

There were 5 or 6 of us there, but the others had been to a few meetings (this group runs a repeating cycle of 4 different topics in their beginner's meetings). I was the only complete newbie and was a total wreck. At the end of the meeting, we drew straws for who would receive the copy of "How Alanon Works" that was being given away. Another woman won the draw, but she looked at me and said "I think you should give it to her--I think she needs it more!"

I went away clutching my book for dear life. When I got home, I lay down in bed and began reading. I felt the first touch of sanity and comfort I'd felt in a long time and eventually fell asleep and slept well.

Thanks for reminding me of this, LS. I just made a note to bring up the idea of giving out copies of "How It Works" to newcomers at our next business meeting/group conscience. It was sure important for me and for you too--makes sense to pass it on.

And to the OP, ladyscribbler's post is a GREAT example of how different it can feel to be at different meetings...
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Old 05-04-2016, 11:37 AM
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I know when we have someone new come to our meeting we read a newcomers welcome. Here is part of that welcome.

As a newcomer you may feel that you are here tonight for the alcoholic…
that your presence here may teach you how to stop his or her drinking.
The truth is you are here because of the alcoholic and not for the alcoholic.
You will soon learn you did not cause the alcoholic to drink,
you cannot control the drinking, nor can you cure the alcoholic.
You are here for yourself. You and you alone are responsible for
dealing with your own pain. This is your program, it is your recovery
from the effects of the disease of alcoholism.


It took me way more than 2 meetings to fully understand the effects alcoholism had on my life with inherited codependency issues, not so healthy ideas of what love and caring and respect really were all about. Putting myself first just didn’t feel right, ending a relationship with an alcoholic/addict felt like I was abandoning them and I had a lot of guilt and fear and a ill sense of obligation. The program helped me to see ME, find ME and help ME discover a new healthier way of approaching life.

Did you ever lose 10 pounds after dieting for 2 days, nope, me neither. It takes time and real dedication to oneself to make changes in our lives, any kind of changes.
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Old 05-04-2016, 11:38 AM
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Did you ever lose 10 pounds after dieting for 2 days, nope, me neither.
atalose, that is SO GOOD! Do you mind if I add it to my list of ways to explain that "time takes time"?
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Old 05-04-2016, 12:16 PM
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I don't mind at all honeypig!!!
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