I'm not sure how to handle...
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I'm not sure how to handle...
Visitation between the son I have with ebf other than obviously no being drunk or drinking while he's with him. No one in his family stands up to him so that's out. My family is so sick of his antics that they say nope. He wants to see the boy Thurs which i have no issue with. Other than the obvious what else can I do to help myself and my son during the visit?
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Thank you! This has been quite an eye-opening experience. I just hope that I have the strength to stop catching him when he falls. I know someone always will and it makes me sad in a way. He has not had to face many natural consequences. The one he is dealing with now is that I am no longer his girl. I pray for my own strength to keep it that way until he is at least working on being sober, and even then I know that is not a cure.
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What is soberlink? He did rehab a few years ago and the man who was helping us told me to get a breathalyzer so I did. I will use it on him. Have any of you ever had to do this just for a visit where I will not be allowing him to take our child? How would you approach the conversation of " you need to be sober for the visit"? We have had DCFS involved previously because of a DV situation. I don't want to put it on them, I want him to understand that I am here to protect our child.
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Soberlink is a breathalyzer he would have to blow into every several hours when he has the kids. If he refuses, it is also considered a fail. A very useful tool I wish I had put into my divorce decree.
I do have in the decree that I can request for him to blow at my request under the suspicions he has been drinking. If there is a cost involved, and I ask for him to blow and he passes, I have to incur the fee. If he fails, he does. I have in the decree the children may contact me to pick them up if they suspect he is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, prescription or or not.
In hind sight, I would have pushed for supervised visits by his sister, who is trustworthy. After he has proven himself worthy, I would have pushed for the use of Soberlink.
That's just my .02
Don't expect him to be cooperative forever. Get these things in writing....now.
I do have in the decree that I can request for him to blow at my request under the suspicions he has been drinking. If there is a cost involved, and I ask for him to blow and he passes, I have to incur the fee. If he fails, he does. I have in the decree the children may contact me to pick them up if they suspect he is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, prescription or or not.
In hind sight, I would have pushed for supervised visits by his sister, who is trustworthy. After he has proven himself worthy, I would have pushed for the use of Soberlink.
That's just my .02
Don't expect him to be cooperative forever. Get these things in writing....now.
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I tried to do the civilized route, but all it did was delay the inevitable. Our son stayed with his parents and my ex visited there. We live in different states so this was for Christmas vacation and over the summer. The first visit at Christmas went fine, but that summer my ex got stinking drunk and was raging around the house to the point where they had to put him out.
After that he filed a custody case against me in his home state. The case got dismissed, but I had to pay a bunch of money to hire a lawyer in his home state to make that happen. Then I filed here, which I should have done in the first place.
Our final agreement was that he either had to get a substance abuse eval and complete all recommended treatment or use a Soberlink monitoring device to ensure sobriety during visits. He recently completed the recommended treatment program and the judge signed off on it.
Any "agreement" between the two of you is not going to really be enforceable and will likely put you in the position of playing "sobriety police." If he was able to be sober on demand and you could take his word for it, things would not have reached this point.
I recommend getting some legal advice about what you have to do to make a visitation schedule with some form of supervision or monitored sobriety. I was able to get help from Legal Aid. Their services are income based and they exist to help with this type of situation. I regret not doing it in the first place, but I was afraid of upsetting him because I was still in the mindset of caretaking his emotions. Thankfully that insanity has passed.
After that he filed a custody case against me in his home state. The case got dismissed, but I had to pay a bunch of money to hire a lawyer in his home state to make that happen. Then I filed here, which I should have done in the first place.
Our final agreement was that he either had to get a substance abuse eval and complete all recommended treatment or use a Soberlink monitoring device to ensure sobriety during visits. He recently completed the recommended treatment program and the judge signed off on it.
Any "agreement" between the two of you is not going to really be enforceable and will likely put you in the position of playing "sobriety police." If he was able to be sober on demand and you could take his word for it, things would not have reached this point.
I recommend getting some legal advice about what you have to do to make a visitation schedule with some form of supervision or monitored sobriety. I was able to get help from Legal Aid. Their services are income based and they exist to help with this type of situation. I regret not doing it in the first place, but I was afraid of upsetting him because I was still in the mindset of caretaking his emotions. Thankfully that insanity has passed.
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It is all a huge mess right now, he is not on the birth certificate as he was in jail for a DUI for about a year when my son was born. I have have suggested to him that he gets that amended and he has not. I am not sure where I can go from here. So many thoughts going through my head. We have not ever been married. Luckily for me I had enough sense to say no to that.
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Check with Legal Aid. I think in your case the first thing that would have to happen is a paternity test. I was not married to my ex either, but he was on the birth cert. and signed an acknowledgement of paternity in the hospital when our son was born.
My ex dragging me to court was actually to retaliate for me finally pursuing child support. Our son is insured through Medicaid and they require the non-custodial parent to pay child support. I got a letter from the state telling me that if I didn't file for cs, our son could be dropped from the program.
I never thought he would be motivated and able to do everything he did, but he found a new enabler and got off his @$$ like I'd never seen him do before.
I lost out on a year's worth of child support by not filing immediately. Again, that was about me trying to caretake his emotions and prevent him from being angry. All I did was lose a lot of money and delay the inevitable.
I know the thought of lawyers and courtrooms is intimidating and scary, but you're better off getting things officially and legally settled as soon as you can. In other words, don't do what I did, lol.
My ex dragging me to court was actually to retaliate for me finally pursuing child support. Our son is insured through Medicaid and they require the non-custodial parent to pay child support. I got a letter from the state telling me that if I didn't file for cs, our son could be dropped from the program.
I never thought he would be motivated and able to do everything he did, but he found a new enabler and got off his @$$ like I'd never seen him do before.
I lost out on a year's worth of child support by not filing immediately. Again, that was about me trying to caretake his emotions and prevent him from being angry. All I did was lose a lot of money and delay the inevitable.
I know the thought of lawyers and courtrooms is intimidating and scary, but you're better off getting things officially and legally settled as soon as you can. In other words, don't do what I did, lol.
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These days, paternity tests are simple and conclusive. As pointed out above, you will spare yourself a ton of aggravation if you just file the necessary legal paperwork and don't try to negotiate with someone unreliable, uncooperative, and hostile.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Imsober4me, is he even requesting to visit with the child? Or are you planning for if or when he decides he wants to visit?
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Moving forward, until you know in your heart and mind that this relationship is truly over for you and there is no going back, you will allow him on his terms to always do what he wants when he wants.
When we are still trying to hold onto or re-build a toxic relationship we will never stick to any boundaries we attempt to set out of fear of pushing them further away from us.
See, since his name is not on the birth certificate he’s not obligated financially to support that child and I imagine he won’t. Does he give you money to help support this child? Sadly right now that child is a pawn stuck in a toxic relationship between 2 parents, what is best for the child? Is it best for him to visit with an alcoholic father?
When we are still trying to hold onto or re-build a toxic relationship we will never stick to any boundaries we attempt to set out of fear of pushing them further away from us.
See, since his name is not on the birth certificate he’s not obligated financially to support that child and I imagine he won’t. Does he give you money to help support this child? Sadly right now that child is a pawn stuck in a toxic relationship between 2 parents, what is best for the child? Is it best for him to visit with an alcoholic father?
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Originally Posted by atalose
Moving forward, until you know in your heart and mind that this relationship is truly over for you and there is no going back, you will allow him on his terms to always do what he wants when he wants.
When we are still trying to hold onto or re-build a toxic relationship we will never stick to any boundaries we attempt to set out of fear of pushing them further away from us.
See, since his name is not on the birth certificate he’s not obligated financially to support that child and I imagine he won’t. Does he give you money to help support this child? Sadly right now that child is a pawn stuck in a toxic relationship between 2 parents, what is best for the child? Is it best for him to visit with an alcoholic father?
When we are still trying to hold onto or re-build a toxic relationship we will never stick to any boundaries we attempt to set out of fear of pushing them further away from us.
See, since his name is not on the birth certificate he’s not obligated financially to support that child and I imagine he won’t. Does he give you money to help support this child? Sadly right now that child is a pawn stuck in a toxic relationship between 2 parents, what is best for the child? Is it best for him to visit with an alcoholic father?
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This is true and I really would like to say that I am completely set on being done with him. I am trying to keep it this way. I am not sure that it is best for him to see his dad being in the shape he is most likely. in. I am not even sure where to start legally......
This is on him, not you. Besides I thought he was moving to Canada? Don't be his back up plan when it all falls through with the woman he has gotten himself involved with.
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Originally Posted by atalose
One of the ways to keep it done is.....no new contact = no new hurts. You don't have to do anything legally - that's on him to pursue if he so chooses. If he wants to legally see his child he will have to legally pay child support as well. He will have to file a motion with the courts seeking visitation and all the rest that comes with that.
This is on him, not you. Besides I thought he was moving to Canada? Don't be his back up plan when it all falls through with the woman he has gotten himself involved with.
This is on him, not you. Besides I thought he was moving to Canada? Don't be his back up plan when it all falls through with the woman he has gotten himself involved with.
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[QUOTE I need to find something to keep me from triggering and talking to him.][/QUOTE]
Change his name in your phone to HURT & PAIN that way any time you feel the "need" to call him you will see the hurt & pain. Same when he attempts to call you, it will remind you of what's to come........hurt & Pain.
Change his name in your phone to HURT & PAIN that way any time you feel the "need" to call him you will see the hurt & pain. Same when he attempts to call you, it will remind you of what's to come........hurt & Pain.
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Originally Posted by atalose
[QUOTE I need to find something to keep me from triggering and talking to him.]
That is brilliant actually. I used to never think of myself being scared to be alone. I am not sure what happened to be through the course of this so called relationship......the old me would kick the "new" me's butt!
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