gobletoffire19

I had 3 months. I was doing so well, so confident and happy, and it has all come crashing down.

A friend invited me to go to lunch with her. I was on the fence, as she was an old drinking bud of mine, but ultimately decided to go. She ordered a bloody mary, I thought to myself, hey one wouldn't be so bad. So I ordered one. I immediately felt guilty but I drank it anyway. Then another. Then another.

After that we decided to go to my family owned bar because my family friends were having a party there. Started out ok (other than the fact that I was drinking) but then I started to do shots. I must have had about 7 or 8 in the span of two hours. Since it's family owned I get everything for free.

Then the night took a turn. I was in a brown out so I don't remember everything but I got into a nasty fight with my father. I swore at him, threatened him, all in front of my mom. I don't remember what the fight was about. I believe I started crying, in front of everyone. I'm so ashamed. So I got in a cab and decided to call my friend and meet her at another bar. I was crying to her on the phone (keep in mind I'm a 28 year old male, so this wasn't my finest hour) so she agreed to meet me. Drank some more at that bar. Nothing particularly bad happened other than the usual embarrassing stuff that I do, singing at the top of my lungs to the jukebox, dancing, saying god knows what, etc.

I apologized to my dad and he accepted the apology. He told me I need to take a serious look at my drinking. (I did not tell anyone that I was sober, just that I had stopped drinking for awhile to get healthy.) I agreed.

All is well right? Not really. I have not left my bed since Sunday morning. The self hatred and shame is eating me alive. I really thought that I would rather be dead. But I am back on the sober train. Alcohol doesn't work for me and with every relapse the worse my behavior gets. I was NEVER an angry or emotional drunk but now I am. And I also blackout/brownout.

I guess I need more distance from people that I used to drink with. This is hard, as I love these people, but I associate them with drinking and I CANNOT DRINK.

Thank you for letting me express myself. I'm off to work now. I was going to call out but realized that I cannot hide forever. I need to face the world and own up to my actions. If anyone says anything I will just own up to it and tell them that it wasn't a great night for me and that it won't be happening again.

Ananda

all you can do is not give up. Pick yourself up and start on the sober train again. I've done similar things drunk. To some extent you have to just set it aside and work toward the real goal.

Remember that sober people do really embarrassing things too so you are not alone! (hug)

ScottFromWI

Welcome back goblet. Glad to hear you are heading to work today, isolating is a dangerous thing when we are vunlerable like that.

I think your dad is partly right - you do need to look at your drinking, but more importantly you need to look at ways to live sober. You made it 3 months which is great, were you doing any proactive work on recovery/sobriety during that time? Meetings/therapy/rehab? You will certainly need to make some changes in your life but you don't have to completely remove yourself from society either.

CaseyW

Welcome back, gobletoffire19. Taking a look at the people, places, and things that occupied my life (drinking or not) has been an important part of my recovery. Your true friends and loving parts of your family will understand your need for sobriety. Put your recovery first today and everything will work out as it should. Wishing you the best...

FreeOwl

you know what I think?

I don't think you need to take a serious look at your drinking.

I think you need to take a serious look at SOBRIETY....

and at LIFE.

Man... 28. LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE.

How I wish I'd figured this out at 28 and lived sober those years.... but nah, I didn't get it until I was over 40.

But boy has it been worth it... a million times over.

SOBRIETY.... booze is showing you it's best. And it's showing you clearly who it will make you.

There's a lot more in you than that.... you're worth so much more than that.... shake off this cloud and use this binge-crash-relapse experience as a glorious turnaround story.

YOUR LIFE IS MEANT FOR GREATER THINGS

jseattle

3 months is fantastic, and you are jumping right back on the train. Now, tell everyone including your father that you have an addictive disorder and cannot drink. You didn't tell people (I'm guessing) to leave the door open to maybe possibly some time some day having a teeny drink. Close that door. There is no shame in having an addiction. Many awesome people have this.

Anyway, you are not back to square 1. You messed up and learned a lot.

uncorked

This experience did teach you an important lesson: that you can't drink. So, you slipped up. Lots of people do. Just get back on it and don't beat yourself up. Sounds like you've realized that you can't hang out with people that party, at least for now. I've been sober 6 months and I can't be around drinking, either.

Delilah1

Welcome back Goblet! You still have those three months sober, and you came right back here and started again. What worked for you during those three months?
I have had many Day ones, and I often wouldn't post here if I slipped up. I'm glad you are back!!

Dee74

I'm glad you're back gobletoffire

D

Para

Welcome back!
I am also a fellow blackout drunk that has gotten over emotional/nasty in my blackouts.
Just like you, I am coming back after over 3 months of sobriety.

I know how you are feeling. I'm there as well.

I wish you the best!

Soberwolf

Welcome bk

Hawkeye13

The self-loathing and regret after relapse are really horrible,
but just get back on the sober horse and things will improve in a few days.

Hopefully, you really get now that "just one" doesn't work for us ever.

Glad you are back. Totally understand how you feel right now