I am new here not sure where to start
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Ogden
Posts: 31
I am new here not sure where to start
Hi,
I am new here and am learning more about alcoholism. I am not an alcoholic but have lived with one. I am working on Al-Anon and thought it would be good for me to join an online group since I can't make it to meetings every day.
I am struggling right now because of the pattern of behavior I have been exhibiting since ABF left sobriety a few years ago. I really thought that there was nothing I was doing wrong and that since all of my intentions were to "fix" him I thought that would just make our situation "normal". I have had a friend suggest Al-Anon to me for a while and I never took his advice. I figured I had it under control, could figure out a way to control him etc.
In the mean time I have four children who have missed out on me taking better care of them. And most of all I have not been taking care of myself or my needs because I felt I could handle this all. But I figured out I am tired. Just so tired. We split again a week ago because I did some digging (bad to do I know now) and found out ABF had been talking to other women. Long distance emotional affair where he had talked plans about moving to Canada to be with her and a whole lot of other lies. I reached out to her since it was apparently now my business (I now know it was not) and confronted him and asked him to get his things. He never came home. I was a wreck because how could he do this to me, to her too? I did nothing wrong and did nothing but take care of him. I now know I need to let go and leave it to HP. He doesn't believe in HP and has been into recovery only a bit here and there. I now know that I have no control. In fact I also just realized he has no control over his disease. I am stuck and need to get to a meeting I know. But logistics of kids and sports I have yet to make time for me to do this which I know I need. I am not even sure how to talk to him at this time. I am terrified of making things worse. Thanks for listening. Leeloo
I am new here and am learning more about alcoholism. I am not an alcoholic but have lived with one. I am working on Al-Anon and thought it would be good for me to join an online group since I can't make it to meetings every day.
I am struggling right now because of the pattern of behavior I have been exhibiting since ABF left sobriety a few years ago. I really thought that there was nothing I was doing wrong and that since all of my intentions were to "fix" him I thought that would just make our situation "normal". I have had a friend suggest Al-Anon to me for a while and I never took his advice. I figured I had it under control, could figure out a way to control him etc.
In the mean time I have four children who have missed out on me taking better care of them. And most of all I have not been taking care of myself or my needs because I felt I could handle this all. But I figured out I am tired. Just so tired. We split again a week ago because I did some digging (bad to do I know now) and found out ABF had been talking to other women. Long distance emotional affair where he had talked plans about moving to Canada to be with her and a whole lot of other lies. I reached out to her since it was apparently now my business (I now know it was not) and confronted him and asked him to get his things. He never came home. I was a wreck because how could he do this to me, to her too? I did nothing wrong and did nothing but take care of him. I now know I need to let go and leave it to HP. He doesn't believe in HP and has been into recovery only a bit here and there. I now know that I have no control. In fact I also just realized he has no control over his disease. I am stuck and need to get to a meeting I know. But logistics of kids and sports I have yet to make time for me to do this which I know I need. I am not even sure how to talk to him at this time. I am terrified of making things worse. Thanks for listening. Leeloo
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I hear the anxiety and desperation coming through loud and clear. Question, how can you make things worse? I think you are mistaking things. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure him.
I believe alcoholism, once it hits a certain stage, is a disease. However, cheating, lying, and manipulation are not. Make that very clear in your mind. I don't say that to hurt you, it is just the reality.
Maybe it's good that you don't talk to him for a while. Take this chance to back away and figure out things for YOU. What you want, and what you DESERVE.
Many hugs to you. I know it's hard. Please stick around, read and read some more. There are many here who have went through this as well.
I believe alcoholism, once it hits a certain stage, is a disease. However, cheating, lying, and manipulation are not. Make that very clear in your mind. I don't say that to hurt you, it is just the reality.
Maybe it's good that you don't talk to him for a while. Take this chance to back away and figure out things for YOU. What you want, and what you DESERVE.
Many hugs to you. I know it's hard. Please stick around, read and read some more. There are many here who have went through this as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Ogden
Posts: 31
I know that I did not cause it, but by not understanding what I was really dealing with as far as alcoholism. I was trying to manipulate situations to go my way. I never took the time to take care of me and that is how I feel I was making things worse, if that makes sense.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You didn't make things "worse for him" nor "worse for your relationship"--the alcoholism does that just fine without your help. Now, it may be that expending all this energy on trying to control him, his drinking, and your relationship, that you've been neglecting yourself and your kiddos. That's unfortunate, but now you can turn your focus to those matters.
Stick around, this is a great place for support.
Stick around, this is a great place for support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that you are aware you have not been at your best and therefore not truly there for your children should now become that thing for you to FIX. he's got another agenda.....
he's already out of the door, just pack up his stuff, put it on the porch and shut the door. he did what he did cuz he is who he is. he took advantage of you.....all the things you did FOR him, he simply took and continued on his merry way. you don't need that.
make taking care of you and getting to meetings your priority. you'll find the benefits much more rewarding!!!!!
he's already out of the door, just pack up his stuff, put it on the porch and shut the door. he did what he did cuz he is who he is. he took advantage of you.....all the things you did FOR him, he simply took and continued on his merry way. you don't need that.
make taking care of you and getting to meetings your priority. you'll find the benefits much more rewarding!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hello imsober4me. I was in the same situation as you...realized I could not be a good mother as long as I stayed with STBXAH. I was constantly tired and very short with my kids. Believe me, you are doing the right thing by focusing on your self-care and your kids.
Just remember what they tell you when they're giving the safety presentation on an airplane. In the case of loss of pressure, masks will drop down. They always point out that you should put on your own mask before helping others. We must take care of ourselves first in order for us to be any good to anyone else...our children or even the alcoholic in our life.
Just remember what they tell you when they're giving the safety presentation on an airplane. In the case of loss of pressure, masks will drop down. They always point out that you should put on your own mask before helping others. We must take care of ourselves first in order for us to be any good to anyone else...our children or even the alcoholic in our life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Ogden
Posts: 31
I know, it is hard. Because of the pattern I have created an allowed with him he has always gotten to come back home with walls I have created of course. I did not know. I am praying for strength and serenity. I truly love him but I can't handle the hurt anymore. I have no more energy or anything else that I can extend to him other than the hope that some day he figures out what he needs to be successful.
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