Ap052183

Question for all of you. So the last year I have found myself slowly partially disconnected from much of my family. I've been extremely busy, so that is really part of it, but honestly its sort of been a choice. I know this bothers many of them, however I'm finding that I get anxiety just talking to them. I love my family, I really do, but even if drama isn't directed towards me, I feel I've dealt with so much of it. My family is pretty needy, and many of them have lives that are emotional roller coasters. I struggle with keeping my own personal judgement out of their terrible decisions, but I'm just so sick of hearing about it. I literally can't even talk to them at times...about anything. I've reached out more to friends, and I'm learning to really enjoy my alone time. I feel like after my emotionally draining ex, I realized I have a lot of emotionally draining people in my life and I it just wears on me. I'm guessing this is partially my codependence? But this can't all be unhealthy, correct? I feel this guilt as if I'm supposed to be constantly supportive but I just can't. I'm trying to find balance, but I just hit such a wall. My old therapist thought it was somewhat ok but I felt she didn't fully understand. Have any of you experienced this? Is this some sort of addict ptsd I'm experiencing?

SeekingPeace987

emotional exhaustion makes a lot of sense. You give, give, give and then you need time to "recharge". At least thats the way I see it. Being alone is okay sometimes just to "recharge" your batteries. My question to you though is how much time are you now spending by yourself? Is it depression OR just personal time?

FireSprite

Yes! I have purposely distanced myself from a few toxic codependent relationships over the last year & am having a VERY difficult time finding a new balance. And in just the last few days I've determined it's at least partly due to my lack of WANTING to reattach. I also have to factor in that anyone I've distanced myself from in the past was a much lesser relationship - I hadn't really dealt with this in such a close relationship yet.

My biggest challenge is with my mom -anyone who follows my posts will remember this has been a challenging relationship all around over the last 2 years. The codie dance with her goes SO deep and has gone on for SO long and this past year I have connected a lot of dots between her codie-dysfunction/past abuse (which existed in her life before my AF did) being tied to a lot of things I needed to change. I can't stop her from taking it all personally and she does.

Even while I recognize her-then and her-now as 2 very different people & even though I have FULL compassion for her life experiences, I'm finding that my biggest obstacle is not having any REAL underlying bond with her. Of course, I can't bring myself to SAY that to her just yet & I know it's because I am positive that will hurt her.

But how is it MY fault that I don't feel a maternal bond to my MOTHER? Furthermore - how do I, at age 42 & counting, try to create that now when she only responds in old, triggering patterns & behaviors? It's not exactly "re-establishing" a bond because no matter how deeply I dig, it's just not there.... but what finally convinced me was hearing my sister say it first. We're not BOTH crazy. Right?

I cannot wrap my mind around it, I'm far too close to the situation.

I know this wasn't helpful!

AnvilheadII

the term is....Emotional Vampires....people who just suck the life right out of you.

it does not matter if they are "family" or "friends" or "lovers" - anyone who depletes us, leaving us empty and frazzled, needs to be pushed back to our far outer boundaries. we must save our inner circle for the people places and things that fill us up, energize us, inspire us, calm us.

Ap052183

Seeking peace...yeah I'm probably somewhat dysthymic...but I find certain people make me happy and I want to be around them. So I really don't know. It's really no one's fault, but I'm finding I'm happy and energized around certain people. I do feel a lot of guilt, though.

Glad I'm not alone!

dandylion

ApO5........it is normal to want to be around happy people and not to be around emotional vampires.
Your therapist probably has not had a family like yours.....so, she probably does not know how bad it can really be.....

I found that it helps to have a competing message of self-talk to repeat to yourself when this guilt from not joining their dysfunction.....
Something that you can write down and post somewhere...so you won't forget....
Like: "It is not my job to wallow in the dust of their mistakes"
(you can probably think of something better...lol)
It will take you some time of repeating this to yourself.....to form new neuronal tracs in your brain.......but, self-talk really does matter!

I will tell you a story....My husband and I used to ride a commuter bus into the city for work....There was a delightfully funny guy on the bus...he was from Texas, and we live in D.C. suburbs.
Apparently this guy had a family just like what you describe......and, every Monday we would l augh about his "Aint-it-awful!" phone calls. Every Sunday, he dutifully made phone calls to his mother and aunts in Texas. No matter what they said in the phone calls...he would reply with much (fake) sympathy---"Aint it awful!".
My husband and I adopted this line, ourselves, and referred to dramatic situations as "ain't it awful!"

dandylion

CodeJob

I found this short article by Martha Beck very useful. Her mantra is, "Be like water." It is hard to learn to pull back from overthinking, getting over involved or giving advice. When I call home I am so amazed how much assuming of motives and emotions goes on. Then the judgement and superiority. Sometimes I call it out and there is this delightful stunned silence that I didn't play my part of whipping up everyone's inter-drama.

It also helps me with my neighbor who always, always, always has something going on!

Be like water!

How to Comfort People