Babescake

My recovery is still so new, but it has progressed a ton since I admitted alcohol is/was a problem. However, moving beyond me, I have a friend, my husband's BFF, who is much more progressive in the disease than myself.

He drinks every night. Says he can't go to sleep w/o drinking. Type 1 diabetes. Wife a nurse, but denial. His dad an alcoholic. It has crept up over the years (same for me though, no judging), but it is finally starting to interfere with his job. He is a blue-collar type guy, cusses regularly, etc. Rough & tough. But had a complaint filed on him for cursing and smelling liquor on his breath. Has made several disruptions at events because of drinking. People smell it on him and he is at the point where he just stinks from it all.

My husband (in IT) got him a great job. He's been there a few years. He is good at what he does. However, the company is starting to layoff his type of career title/split it in half actually. Friend's boss emailed my husband stating he knows friend has a problem. They love him, want to work with him, but he needs help. My husband confronted, told truth, gave him info from the assessments I've had. Seemed to work, but no.

Anyway, I've dragged on. This guy is in danger of losing his job. He was warned, but nothing has changed. He/wife JUST sold their house this week and are buying a new one, despite warnings. I've checked my husband's texts (yes, bad), but he is starting to warn about ultimatums and such.

The thing is, he has done this to me. Did the whole ultimatum, never followed through. If they keep coming back, it doesn't work. But I don't know how to express that threatening a person isn't an answer. It has to be WANTED by the person. (Though I know it doesn't really always start that way). Any advice on how to help the situation when I can relate to both ends?

Anna

The thing that jumped out at me was that you read your husband's texts. To me, that's a big problem because trust is so important in a marriage.

I hope you continue to focus on your recovery and hopefully your friend will find his way.

Babescake

I find it ironic that I'm much earlier in the addiction process, but my ability to handle it is much less. I've gone through outpatient and I start my addiction counselor next week. I still struggle with abstinence, though I can string together multiple days no problem. It never was. I just have to laugh at what some people can handle so easily, but I never stood a chance.

Yes, I know frequency/volume mean nothing in terms of the disease. I still am so new at this though that I can't help but but be bitter.

I think that will always be the hardest part for me. Envy and bitterness. Bitter I'm in this place and envy for those who have imbibed beyond my limits and still are able to continue on with life without problems. It is a hard pill to swallow.

But, then again, I'm still accepting the term "alcoholic" to my vocab.

ScottFromWI

I'd agree with Anna, there's really nothing you can do for him as he will need to seek help on his own. I'd focus on your own recovery at this time.

AdelineRose

Honestly, I don't see why you would need to explain anything to your husband or get involved at all. Recovery is still new to you, you have plenty to worry about/keep yourself busy just worrying about your own recovery and bettering yourself. The fact that you checked your husband's texts shows that there is still a lot of work to do on yourself, without trying to talk someone else off the ledge.

No matter what you tell an addict, no matter what you threaten, how much you plead, whether you cry, whether you cut them off.. it doesn't matter. He will get sober when and if he is ever truly ready to embrace recovery.

Babescake

Ouch, I didn't even consider that. He knew about it. We're pretty open, but I admit I've been pretty paranoid. He just got back from a week long fishing trip with the boys. One of them just got found out for cheating on his wife (with her since high school, we are mid thirties now). Not attracted to her anymore because she is fat. Excuse the language. I get scared because I've drank and gained weight. JUST reached outside the BMI for myself and it disgusts me, hence other posts.

Yes, I know there is no comparison and this girl is very overweight, but she is my friend, and he is a jerk for doing this. I learned my husband knew about it a few months ago and since we haven't been intimate I get paranoid. But, then I must be realistic that he is attracted to me, but doesn't like when I drink.

bluedog97

As far as your envy goes, I think you assume people imbibe beyond your limits without problems. I don't know many people who can drink heavily with impunity.

I agree, focus on your own recovery. Believe me, that will be plenty to handle without worrying about anyone else.

Babescake

Thanks for letting me spill about myself. It obviously needed to be told. I would, however, like to know what to say to my husband or his friend. They are looking at me like I hold the Golden Key because I've dealt/am dealing with addiction. I want to help. I know I'm a ton more educated than both, but I also falter. I want to know what to say when they look at me for advice, especially my husband. I feel like this guy will listen to me, but I don't want the pressure. I'm a compassionate and caring person, one who fixates on obsessions (go figure). So even sober, I'd get too involved with him and care too much. I want to decline, yet still give advice. Can the two intermix?

Delizadee

I would pray for him if you feel compelled to help. And keep working on your own recovery. It's tough watching those things but there's not much you can do unless someone asks for support and you're willing and able to give it. (Not advice- that's what professionals are for really)
If you read on the friends and family forum they speak a lot about learning detachment and getting help for their own recovery from codependent behaviors.
Sorry you're seeing this happen. I hope he finds his way soon. I agree too that reading your hubby's texts is some dangerous territory. Please protect yourself and your own relationship first and foremost.

Delizadee

Work on detachment and if you feel up to it maybe offer to take him to AA or another support group with you.
No one knows the answer to another ones recovery. We have to each figure out our own way.

AdelineRose

There isn't anything you can say that he doesn't know already.

If he was ready to find recovery or was motivated at all to get sober he would stop drinking, go to counseling, find a sober support system, and work on himself. You can say hey why not go to some meetings, or get a counselor, etc. but don't you think he already know that?

Your husband and his friend might look to you for advice because people always want there to be some magic trick to overcome addiction. They don't want to admit that there is no trick just simple hard work, dedication, and self respect and self love.

Dime

I'd also recommend you focus on your own recovery. Until he is ready to accept help no one can help him, normally done by someone secure in there own sobriety.

Babescake

Thank you all. I am choosing myself right now. You are all right. I have enough worry in my life, I don't need to add others' worries, despite my care and affection toward them.