Getting involved with newcomers in NA??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: San Diego, Ca.
Posts: 2
Getting involved with newcomers in NA??
Hello all,
Ok I have a crazy situation but I am not going to go into it ALL right now. I do have a question though...I have a friend who was forced to go to a live in treatment center...it was that or go to prison for 4 years. He has a beautiful 4 year old son who he loves more then life its self. The mother of his son is not in the picture...she is a junkie who is not ready to be clean. This program has done wonders for him. He has hit 90 days already...he had not been drug free since he was 14 and he is now 27. He has no idea who he is at this point though...he is going through a tough time and at first was doing his program and was making progress. In the past three weeks he has been acting like he is using again. But he is going to NA meetings every night, and has been passing his drug tests and is still in his program. But he is different...has not been keeping contact with his son at all. His son lives with his best friend who was also seeing him for a while too. She has been there through everything...and is a huge part of his sons life. She and his family have tried to communicate with him about what he plans on doing...he will be able to leave the program this Sunday. Also, they have been trying to get him to fill out Medical papers and get his son to the Doctor because his son seems to be getting physically sick when he gets upset about not seeing his daddy, or whenever his daddy seems to disappoint him (which is very often) Not showing up when he says he will, not calling ect. The family has found out he has been in a relationship for about three weeks now with the NA Activities Director. She is older then he is...and is very opinionated about how he should lead his life. She has yelled at his ex who has his son and has yelled even at his parent. When they tried to have a talk with him she showed up and then tried to answer all the questions they where asking him. When he is alone with his family and ex he seems to be calmer and more open. but the moment he is around her he acts as though he has to prove something to her. He has been very cruel to his best friend who is caring for his child. When she tries to talk to him on the phone and the NA women is with him she yells and acts as though she means nothing to him, the NA women then laughs load in the background as though she finds is funny he is being mean to another human being. The family try's and try's to talk to him and he seems to be getting more and more lost everyday. He did not go see his son on his birthday the other day nor did he call to talk to him. But seems to spend every spare moment he has with this new women rather on himself. This little boy is everyone's concern...he is very well taken care of by his ex, he is very happy and knows and feels love. She has tried to keep their father son relationship going this whole time...reminding the boy how much his daddy loves him and that he will be able to have him back in his life soon...but then the father continues to ignore his son and is now threatening to take his son and move in with the NA woman. Which will turn this little boys world even more upside down? Is it ok that this NA Activities Director has pushed herself into the newcomers life, and dictates what he should and shouldn't be doing. Also, this makes matters worse...his sponcer is her best friend so the one person he is supposed to trust and look up to for good sound advise has bias opinion about the new NA women and her controlling ways. I just see her setting him up for failure...what do you all think?????It seems like she wants him to feel like he has only her to trust and that she is the only one who really cares about his recovery. which is far from the truth.
Please help!
Thanks for listening!
Laura :ugh2:
Ok I have a crazy situation but I am not going to go into it ALL right now. I do have a question though...I have a friend who was forced to go to a live in treatment center...it was that or go to prison for 4 years. He has a beautiful 4 year old son who he loves more then life its self. The mother of his son is not in the picture...she is a junkie who is not ready to be clean. This program has done wonders for him. He has hit 90 days already...he had not been drug free since he was 14 and he is now 27. He has no idea who he is at this point though...he is going through a tough time and at first was doing his program and was making progress. In the past three weeks he has been acting like he is using again. But he is going to NA meetings every night, and has been passing his drug tests and is still in his program. But he is different...has not been keeping contact with his son at all. His son lives with his best friend who was also seeing him for a while too. She has been there through everything...and is a huge part of his sons life. She and his family have tried to communicate with him about what he plans on doing...he will be able to leave the program this Sunday. Also, they have been trying to get him to fill out Medical papers and get his son to the Doctor because his son seems to be getting physically sick when he gets upset about not seeing his daddy, or whenever his daddy seems to disappoint him (which is very often) Not showing up when he says he will, not calling ect. The family has found out he has been in a relationship for about three weeks now with the NA Activities Director. She is older then he is...and is very opinionated about how he should lead his life. She has yelled at his ex who has his son and has yelled even at his parent. When they tried to have a talk with him she showed up and then tried to answer all the questions they where asking him. When he is alone with his family and ex he seems to be calmer and more open. but the moment he is around her he acts as though he has to prove something to her. He has been very cruel to his best friend who is caring for his child. When she tries to talk to him on the phone and the NA women is with him she yells and acts as though she means nothing to him, the NA women then laughs load in the background as though she finds is funny he is being mean to another human being. The family try's and try's to talk to him and he seems to be getting more and more lost everyday. He did not go see his son on his birthday the other day nor did he call to talk to him. But seems to spend every spare moment he has with this new women rather on himself. This little boy is everyone's concern...he is very well taken care of by his ex, he is very happy and knows and feels love. She has tried to keep their father son relationship going this whole time...reminding the boy how much his daddy loves him and that he will be able to have him back in his life soon...but then the father continues to ignore his son and is now threatening to take his son and move in with the NA woman. Which will turn this little boys world even more upside down? Is it ok that this NA Activities Director has pushed herself into the newcomers life, and dictates what he should and shouldn't be doing. Also, this makes matters worse...his sponcer is her best friend so the one person he is supposed to trust and look up to for good sound advise has bias opinion about the new NA women and her controlling ways. I just see her setting him up for failure...what do you all think?????It seems like she wants him to feel like he has only her to trust and that she is the only one who really cares about his recovery. which is far from the truth.
Please help!
Thanks for listening!
Laura :ugh2:
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Glassewaters-
The situation sounds whopsided. A person(na activities director) is involved with a patient(your friend) in rehab? Is this right? If your friend is in rehab and someone who works in the facility is seeking a relationship with your friend then the na activities director is breaching ethics and needs to be reported..... This is clearly not right and something needs to be done about it!!!!
If they met at an outside meeting although it is highly against recovery principals for someone to become involved with a newcomer of the opposite sex it is not against any laws that I know of. I hope this helps.....
The situation sounds whopsided. A person(na activities director) is involved with a patient(your friend) in rehab? Is this right? If your friend is in rehab and someone who works in the facility is seeking a relationship with your friend then the na activities director is breaching ethics and needs to be reported..... This is clearly not right and something needs to be done about it!!!!
If they met at an outside meeting although it is highly against recovery principals for someone to become involved with a newcomer of the opposite sex it is not against any laws that I know of. I hope this helps.....
tha toastah
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: montreal, quebec
Posts: 191
man, this sounds like a rough situation on alot of people! 
this guy is probably so scared of facing his reality that he's found another way of escape, without drugs, but... now with another human being. Maybe facing the fact that hes negelcted his son is making him feel so guilty taht he represses it all together. maybe in some time he'll realise what he's doing and what SHE'S doing to him.
k and this woman, is obviously A SICK PERSON. with control issues. i mean its normal for him to fall for her, being a new comer. But her, i dont know... sounds like she 13th stepped him!
this guy is probably so scared of facing his reality that he's found another way of escape, without drugs, but... now with another human being. Maybe facing the fact that hes negelcted his son is making him feel so guilty taht he represses it all together. maybe in some time he'll realise what he's doing and what SHE'S doing to him.
k and this woman, is obviously A SICK PERSON. with control issues. i mean its normal for him to fall for her, being a new comer. But her, i dont know... sounds like she 13th stepped him!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Doesn't sound to kosher here. But it's his deal. He's probably attached to someone who he feels has all the answers in his sobriety. People often detach from those that love them most in recovery, they are just trying to find their way. He's a grown man now. He's the one who will have to learn to live with the ramifications of his actions, but let him find out for himself. I know it's distressing, but he's got to learn to walk sober on his own eventually.
Sweet Relief
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
Chy -- so, people normally detach from the ones they love most while in recovery? i needed to hear that from someone. i had one "friend" who took this route and still is which is cool. i wish him much luck. now, as of today ... i have a close girl--friend who seems to be doing the same. it is nice to hear that this is common and seemingly very healthy for the recovering addict.
As for that counsler... Freak. She is a true-blue psycho; not to mention a sick heap of horsecrap and if you have not already ... she needs to be reported ASAP.
As for that counsler... Freak. She is a true-blue psycho; not to mention a sick heap of horsecrap and if you have not already ... she needs to be reported ASAP.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I wouldn't say normally detach, just quite often. This can better be understood by reading the chapter "The Family Afterward" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anoymous. Recovery is a deeply personal thing, and most of us form attachments with those that understand, which often takes away from the familial bonds formed. It's hard on the friend, partner, or spouse to watch the recovery process when they are being neglected. It's not that we purposefully intend to cause such feelings or emotions, it's just in order to better ourselves, learn how to stay clean and sober, recovery, and especially early recovery becomes our priority.
If we can't find the means, support, and others like us and give 110% to our recovery, then we will be of no useful purpose down the road to our loved ones. Though I think this relationship your friend has with the director is a bit skewed and she's just off base, though I could be wrong and she does have his interests at heart!
If we can't find the means, support, and others like us and give 110% to our recovery, then we will be of no useful purpose down the road to our loved ones. Though I think this relationship your friend has with the director is a bit skewed and she's just off base, though I could be wrong and she does have his interests at heart!
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