I'm so tired of failing
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
I'm so tired of failing
Once again I feel horrible coming off a 3 day alcohol binge (with marijuana included). I can't seem to escape this roller coaster. I can stay off the alcohol most of the time, while just using marijuana, but I always eventually go off on other drinking binge again.
This terrible feeling is usually enough motivation to stay sober for a day or a few, but the marijuana cravings especially always suck me back in again. Its too easy to tell myself I can just pick some up on the way home and use it in the evenings without being too torn up the next day, and still being able to function at work and all of that. It being legal here now makes it as easy to get as alcohol. But my life is fairly empty otherwise. I just waste most of my free time stoned when there is so much more to life out there.
Not only that but I probably flush and then re-buy my stash on like a weekly basis, which is also just a big waste of money. I'm so tired of this. I spent most of a year and a half sober up until a little over a year ago, and really want to get my life together again like it was back then.
I want this to be day 1 of sobriety but my confidence is so shot from trying and failing over and over again, I don't know where to go from here.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent my frustrations a little.
This terrible feeling is usually enough motivation to stay sober for a day or a few, but the marijuana cravings especially always suck me back in again. Its too easy to tell myself I can just pick some up on the way home and use it in the evenings without being too torn up the next day, and still being able to function at work and all of that. It being legal here now makes it as easy to get as alcohol. But my life is fairly empty otherwise. I just waste most of my free time stoned when there is so much more to life out there.
Not only that but I probably flush and then re-buy my stash on like a weekly basis, which is also just a big waste of money. I'm so tired of this. I spent most of a year and a half sober up until a little over a year ago, and really want to get my life together again like it was back then.
I want this to be day 1 of sobriety but my confidence is so shot from trying and failing over and over again, I don't know where to go from here.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent my frustrations a little.
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
We know how hard it is StartingOver I myself have come crawling back here more times than I care to think about.
If you want today to be day 1 you can make it so it may be tough you can get through it stay close to here
If you want today to be day 1 you can make it so it may be tough you can get through it stay close to here
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Appreciate your honest post. The struggle is definitely real.
Next time those thoughts/cravings for a drink and/or smoke come, maybe send up an SOS here before going out to buy anything. Sometimes just letting those thoughts out of your head by admitting them to another human being is enough to take their power away.
You really don't have to drink or smoke again. Make sure you're keeping yourself well-fed and hydrated. Those are easy triggers to miss.
You're in my thoughts today...
Next time those thoughts/cravings for a drink and/or smoke come, maybe send up an SOS here before going out to buy anything. Sometimes just letting those thoughts out of your head by admitting them to another human being is enough to take their power away.
You really don't have to drink or smoke again. Make sure you're keeping yourself well-fed and hydrated. Those are easy triggers to miss.
You're in my thoughts today...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
Thanks for the replies you guys. I really appreciate your messages. 
I've poured out my last 2 beers and am working up the motivation to flush my stash...again...
Its also 10:30am here and I'm waiting for one of the pizza places nearby to open so I can order a pizza and salad. That should really hit the spot in helping to feel physically better. In the meantime I think I'm going to read through more of the messages on here.
One of my biggest issues is loneliness. I have social anxiety issues and have basically no social life other than a little bit online. Every time I get a few days sober the emptiness of the rest of my life bears down on me. I generally like AA meetings but they're also hard especially in the early days because of the anxiety so being able to communicate with people in a place like this is great.
I've poured out my last 2 beers and am working up the motivation to flush my stash...again...
Its also 10:30am here and I'm waiting for one of the pizza places nearby to open so I can order a pizza and salad. That should really hit the spot in helping to feel physically better. In the meantime I think I'm going to read through more of the messages on here.
One of my biggest issues is loneliness. I have social anxiety issues and have basically no social life other than a little bit online. Every time I get a few days sober the emptiness of the rest of my life bears down on me. I generally like AA meetings but they're also hard especially in the early days because of the anxiety so being able to communicate with people in a place like this is great.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
Originally Posted by soberwolf 
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 41
I understand completely. Loneliness is one of my major triggers. I also struggle with social anxiety, and I find it almost impossible to force myself to go anywhere other than work. It's even difficult to post here, but it's a step forward.
I don't have much advice at this point, just want you to know you're not alone.
I don't have much advice at this point, just want you to know you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Most of us have tried and failed and tried and failed over and over again. You are not alone, and it doesn't have to keep repeating, YOU have the power to decide today is your LAST day one EVER.
Do you have a recovery plan? Have you considered counseling and getting a psychiatrist to help you with your anxiety and depression? Maybe take up a new hobby to help fill some of your empty time, start journaling so you can always go back to read about how you were feeling in the beginning and why drinking and smoking is not worth it in the long run.
You never have to feel desperation, worthlessness, or the fear of failing ever again if you decide today is it.
Do you have a recovery plan? Have you considered counseling and getting a psychiatrist to help you with your anxiety and depression? Maybe take up a new hobby to help fill some of your empty time, start journaling so you can always go back to read about how you were feeling in the beginning and why drinking and smoking is not worth it in the long run.
You never have to feel desperation, worthlessness, or the fear of failing ever again if you decide today is it.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Oxnard
Posts: 173
I don't have much of an opinion on the marijuana use. If it is inhibiting you from being able to live a solid and productive life then maybe you should put it away for awhile. That being said, I know marijuana has a lot of medicinal benefits if used properly. I have heard it successfully used to treat issues with anxiety, chronic pain, depression, etc. The question is, whats your motivation for using it? You don't have to answer that to me, but something to keep in mind.
As for the drinking binges, you just have to take it a day at a time. I think you're all too focused on the future and failing that it consumes you and you go back on a binge again.
I didn't really come here to talk about your alcohol or marijuana use, I don't really know if you have a problem or not--thats for you to figure out. What I do want to really talk to you about is your social anxiety issues.
I know anxiety all too well, it has consumed a big part of my life and it caused me to avoid a lot of things and situations that I wish I could go back and change. I cannot change the past, and I cannot focus too far into the future. I know that feeling you probably get, what if I go out into the world and embarrass myself? What if I have to deal with other people? What am I going to do? What am I supposed to say? How would I respond to any given scenario? Your mind is probably spinning, its probably easier to influence yourself and go out and deal with the world.
Anxiety is a hard battle to fight, but you have to fight it. What I did and what I advise you to do is the following:
-Get out and enjoy life. Quit spending it at home alone wondering and wishing what it would be like.
-Adopt a hobby. Mine happens to bike bicycling, mountain biking, lifting at the gym, etc.
-You see someone passing you by, just say hi to them. Keep practicing that. Maybe even say something like, "nice day out isn't it?" when its a beautiful day outside.
-Put yourself in a situation where you are around people, but don't necessarily have to talk to them. Just be out in public and find something that you enjoy doing.
-Get yourself to being around other people, no matter where we go we are going to have to deal with people all of our lives.
-Make a commitment to yourself to go out and do something for a certain amount of time each day, and keep doing it.
These are ways I dealt with my anxiety, how I have made friends, and how I fight that battle each and everyday. Do I still have anxiety? Yes. But I find myself less and less afraid of things such as social situations. You can and will overcome this if you put this to practice.
If you really do have a drinking problem, AA is a great place to go to meet other people. You don't have to speak at the meetings, but at least make an effort to say hi and possibly talk to people. Most of the people in those rooms are the MOST understanding of all people--many of them probably are dealing with what you're dealing with.
I just want to emphasize to make it a point and be active, and that will lead you to engage other people and live a more happy and productive life.
As for the drinking binges, you just have to take it a day at a time. I think you're all too focused on the future and failing that it consumes you and you go back on a binge again.
I didn't really come here to talk about your alcohol or marijuana use, I don't really know if you have a problem or not--thats for you to figure out. What I do want to really talk to you about is your social anxiety issues.
I know anxiety all too well, it has consumed a big part of my life and it caused me to avoid a lot of things and situations that I wish I could go back and change. I cannot change the past, and I cannot focus too far into the future. I know that feeling you probably get, what if I go out into the world and embarrass myself? What if I have to deal with other people? What am I going to do? What am I supposed to say? How would I respond to any given scenario? Your mind is probably spinning, its probably easier to influence yourself and go out and deal with the world.
Anxiety is a hard battle to fight, but you have to fight it. What I did and what I advise you to do is the following:
-Get out and enjoy life. Quit spending it at home alone wondering and wishing what it would be like.
-Adopt a hobby. Mine happens to bike bicycling, mountain biking, lifting at the gym, etc.
-You see someone passing you by, just say hi to them. Keep practicing that. Maybe even say something like, "nice day out isn't it?" when its a beautiful day outside.
-Put yourself in a situation where you are around people, but don't necessarily have to talk to them. Just be out in public and find something that you enjoy doing.
-Get yourself to being around other people, no matter where we go we are going to have to deal with people all of our lives.
-Make a commitment to yourself to go out and do something for a certain amount of time each day, and keep doing it.
These are ways I dealt with my anxiety, how I have made friends, and how I fight that battle each and everyday. Do I still have anxiety? Yes. But I find myself less and less afraid of things such as social situations. You can and will overcome this if you put this to practice.
If you really do have a drinking problem, AA is a great place to go to meet other people. You don't have to speak at the meetings, but at least make an effort to say hi and possibly talk to people. Most of the people in those rooms are the MOST understanding of all people--many of them probably are dealing with what you're dealing with.
I just want to emphasize to make it a point and be active, and that will lead you to engage other people and live a more happy and productive life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
Thanks soberaccountant - its good to be reminded that getting out, being active, and challenging myself regularly when things are uncomfortable are the best ways to get healthier.
With respect to your question about the motivation for using marijuana - it helps me feel better in the evenings when I come home tired from work to an empty (lonely) house. So I smoke and check out, then play video games, watch tv, surf the web, whatever. Mostly its a way to fill time in a way which ends the night fairly predictably - by me just falling asleep and being able to get up and go to work the next day. With alcohol its much more unpredictable and the hangovers are not comparable (to me anyway). I know its helpful to some people medicinally but for me it just sucks my life away.
AdelineRose - I have tried seeing counselors but I quit going to my last one because I kept relapsing and all we would talk about is what happened with the relapse. It just felt like groundhog day and seemed like I would get more out of it if I could just get back to like a month sober at least first. I'll probably get back in touch with him when I have some sober time.
With respect to your question about the motivation for using marijuana - it helps me feel better in the evenings when I come home tired from work to an empty (lonely) house. So I smoke and check out, then play video games, watch tv, surf the web, whatever. Mostly its a way to fill time in a way which ends the night fairly predictably - by me just falling asleep and being able to get up and go to work the next day. With alcohol its much more unpredictable and the hangovers are not comparable (to me anyway). I know its helpful to some people medicinally but for me it just sucks my life away.
AdelineRose - I have tried seeing counselors but I quit going to my last one because I kept relapsing and all we would talk about is what happened with the relapse. It just felt like groundhog day and seemed like I would get more out of it if I could just get back to like a month sober at least first. I'll probably get back in touch with him when I have some sober time.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
Heya StartingOverNW,
Marijuana cravings can be pretty terrible.
I know.
Luckely they will pass after some time.
Don't fight the cravings.
Surrender to the fact the cravings exist.
This will make it a lot easier to deal with them.
Marijuana cravings can be pretty terrible.
I know.
Luckely they will pass after some time.
Don't fight the cravings.
Surrender to the fact the cravings exist.
This will make it a lot easier to deal with them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
Originally Posted by GraceHolly
I understand completely. Loneliness is one of my major triggers. I also struggle with social anxiety, and I find it almost impossible to force myself to go anywhere other than work. It's even difficult to post here, but it's a step forward.
I don't have much advice at this point, just want you to know you're not alone.
I don't have much advice at this point, just want you to know you're not alone.
Unfortunately I pushed too fast for changes in my life that I wasn't ready for and things unraveled over the course of about 6 months first with a couple of smaller slips and then finally falling off the wagon for good early last year. I know I can get back there but it feels the way someone mentioned in another thread - like I just got done running a marathon and now have to run it all over again. I guess one day at time is the best way to look at it right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 467
Hi startingoverNW 
I can totally relate to needing to "check out" because you come home to an empty house.
I was addicted to weed before alcohol - the alcohol intake went up when I stopped smoking weed!
And I stopped smoking because It gave me anxiety.
I'm not sure if there are any studies on anxiety and smoking but I have seen it happen with many people.
Maybe it's something to look into.
My anxiety levels are so low since I gave up drinking and I'm only 23 days in!
I really wish you the best and hope that you get the first few weeks of sobriety under your belt so you can feel the benefits!
Big hugs x
I can totally relate to needing to "check out" because you come home to an empty house.
I was addicted to weed before alcohol - the alcohol intake went up when I stopped smoking weed!
And I stopped smoking because It gave me anxiety.
I'm not sure if there are any studies on anxiety and smoking but I have seen it happen with many people.
Maybe it's something to look into.
My anxiety levels are so low since I gave up drinking and I'm only 23 days in!
I really wish you the best and hope that you get the first few weeks of sobriety under your belt so you can feel the benefits!
Big hugs x
Boxer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 151
Oh, man can I relate to dumping out (beer in my case) just to repurchase often the very next day. I'm at about 43 days sober now and the further away from the insanity I get the more clear it becomes
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I think a good plan is really important I hope you'll check out this link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
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I hope you'll check out this link:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
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