First date
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 14
First date
I went on my first date since going NC with XABF. It's been 7 months. I felt like I could stick my toe in the dating waters. I met my date online (is there any other way?!). After a few emails and a couple of phone calls we agreed to meet for coffee, which turned into lunch. He seemed like a nice, normal guy I might be able to connect with. Over lunch he admitted to being a recovered alcoholic and cocaine abuser. Double whammy!
I told him I left my last partner because he was an alcoholic. Nuff said. And he won't be getting a second date.
I am feeling curse.
I told him I left my last partner because he was an alcoholic. Nuff said. And he won't be getting a second date.
I am feeling curse.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, cut the guy a break. Big props to him for making an uncomfortable disclosure on the first date, knowing for some people it will be a deal-breaker.
I'm not suggesting that you have to have a dating relationship with someone whose background makes you uncomfortable. I'm just saying it's really, really tough for those in recovery to move on to healthy relationships, themselves.
And just an alert, a large proportion of the population has had (or currently has) substance abuse issues. They aren't lepers. And the thing is, it usually isn't the ones who are up-front about it you have to worry about. People have all kinds of hidden baggage, from credit problems, to infidelity, to porn addictions, to physical abuse.
I'm not suggesting that you have to have a dating relationship with someone whose background makes you uncomfortable. I'm just saying it's really, really tough for those in recovery to move on to healthy relationships, themselves.
And just an alert, a large proportion of the population has had (or currently has) substance abuse issues. They aren't lepers. And the thing is, it usually isn't the ones who are up-front about it you have to worry about. People have all kinds of hidden baggage, from credit problems, to infidelity, to porn addictions, to physical abuse.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
For some people, who haven't quite crossed the line to serious addiction, it really is a matter of cleaning up one's act. The danger is that they may have underestimated their susceptibility.
Whatever. Just don't let stuff like this discourage you unduly. It's what dating is all about, finding out whether someone is a good fit for you.
Whatever. Just don't let stuff like this discourage you unduly. It's what dating is all about, finding out whether someone is a good fit for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Is he in program?
How long has he been sober?
How long has he been sober?
Originally Posted by MsGreenJeans 
I went on my first date since going NC with XABF. It's been 7 months. I felt like I could stick my toe in the dating waters. I met my date online (is there any other way?!). After a few emails and a couple of phone calls we agreed to meet for coffee, which turned into lunch. He seemed like a nice, normal guy I might be able to connect with. Over lunch he admitted to being a recovered alcoholic and cocaine abuser. Double whammy!
I told him I left my last partner because he was an alcoholic. Nuff said. And he won't be getting a second date.
I am feeling curse.
I told him I left my last partner because he was an alcoholic. Nuff said. And he won't be getting a second date.
I am feeling curse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I don't see a curse. I see that he had the courage to be honest and that you had the courage to honor your boundaries.
Online dating is a massive crapshoot. It helped me to treat each date as a singular event, an opportunity to meet a new person and nothing more. Pre-recovery super-codie me would have had her eyes constantly peeled for an instant soulmate connection with every single person I met. And of course zero boundaries and a handy arsenal of excuses to ignore and justify any and all red flags. I didn't know how to date like a "normie."
To me this is a success story. Well done to both you and your date.
Online dating is a massive crapshoot. It helped me to treat each date as a singular event, an opportunity to meet a new person and nothing more. Pre-recovery super-codie me would have had her eyes constantly peeled for an instant soulmate connection with every single person I met. And of course zero boundaries and a handy arsenal of excuses to ignore and justify any and all red flags. I didn't know how to date like a "normie."
To me this is a success story. Well done to both you and your date.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the whole point of the first (second, third, sixth) date is to learn bits about the other person.....and see if those bits fit with your bits. he could have said he was a republican, supports capital punishment, oil drilling in alaska, cross dressing or he was a vegan......and you have the right to discern if any of that gives the GREEN light or the RED light.
and yeah, props to him for being upfront.
and yeah, props to him for being upfront.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 14
Befor giving him too many props, he's not exactly sober. He ONLY gets drunk once each year with his nephews. Oh, and an occasional beer after work. But only one! And he doesn't smoke cigarettes anymore, except that one with his morning coffee, and any others he can bum at work. And he doesn't do cocaine anymore because it nearly bankrupted him. He now lives in an small RV. Really, he wasn't a sterling example of recovery. I am very, very grateful he divulged all that on our first (and last) date.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
You really don't need to explain yourself, GreenJeans. It could have been bc his eyes were brown and not blue. And that's ok. The whole making you feel bad and giving him props for being upfront is ridiculous. Good for you for listening to your OWN hinky meter about this guy... Which ends up not being so hinky after all, YIKES.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
That says it all. No second dates.
Originally Posted by MsGreenJeans
Befor giving him too many props, he's not exactly sober. He ONLY gets drunk once each year with his nephews. Oh, and an occasional beer after work. But only one! And he doesn't smoke cigarettes anymore, except that one with his morning coffee, and any others he can bum at work. And he doesn't do cocaine anymore because it nearly bankrupted him. He now lives in an small RV. Really, he wasn't a sterling example of recovery. I am very, very grateful he divulged all that on our first (and last) date.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, that's a lot more info than you provided initially. So I don't think my comments were "ridiculous," nor were they in any way intended to make you feel bad. I was just pointing out that there ARE sterling examples of recovery out there, and even if you don't want to date them, they aren't necessarily people to be avoided, by anyone, at all costs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 14
Nor was it my intention to insult anyone in recovery. However, I doubt that I am alone on this forum in wanting to avoid future intimate relationships with people in recovery. While I know some of you are sterling examples of recovery, I'd bet that most are not. I believe the statistics on that are in my favor. In my admittedly limited experience, substance abusers are accomplished liars--to themselves and others. I think my date was a case in point.
It is interesting for me to note that I received immediate understanding from people outside of this forum of why this first date post XABF might have been difficult for me. But here...not so much.
It is interesting for me to note that I received immediate understanding from people outside of this forum of why this first date post XABF might have been difficult for me. But here...not so much.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, I actually understand completely. It would have been difficult even without that revelation. I think we all get a bit gun-shy after what we've been through.
I'm sorry if I came off as brushing off your feelings. Often what we post is as much to others reading (and to ourselves) as to the original post-er. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings. I apologize if I made you feel bad.
I'm sorry if I came off as brushing off your feelings. Often what we post is as much to others reading (and to ourselves) as to the original post-er. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings. I apologize if I made you feel bad.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Ms GJ, Welcome to the forum. We're happy you found us, but sorry for the reasons to be here. You will find much support, encouragement, straight talk, tough love, and humor here - but you have to be open to it, and accept it for what it is. How can one expect awesome support if one does not present all the facts? Take your time, and breathe, and know that in some form or fashion w are all battling with an A, or a former A, or what have you.
In the beginning of posting here, it's easy to think that the people here are in attack mode - trust me, that's not the case. You're still fragile, you're still hurting. But I, better than anyone understands that to make changes, you must have change, and change many times seems more painful than the reason for wanting to change. There's a comfort in the known, regardless of how crappy and scary it is. To change takes time, takes practice, takes guts.
I was away from this place for awhile and then was moved to come back, and I'm getting stronger every day reading the words typed here. No one here wants you to hurt, but we all are hurting for some reason, but we have each other because we all have some common ground.
Give it some time, have an open mind, and take what you like from the people here, and leave the rest - we won't be offended. No one is trying to fix you (though many of us are tried-and true Codies), but we will try to help, and care, and listen.
C_OH Dad
In the beginning of posting here, it's easy to think that the people here are in attack mode - trust me, that's not the case. You're still fragile, you're still hurting. But I, better than anyone understands that to make changes, you must have change, and change many times seems more painful than the reason for wanting to change. There's a comfort in the known, regardless of how crappy and scary it is. To change takes time, takes practice, takes guts.
I was away from this place for awhile and then was moved to come back, and I'm getting stronger every day reading the words typed here. No one here wants you to hurt, but we all are hurting for some reason, but we have each other because we all have some common ground.
Give it some time, have an open mind, and take what you like from the people here, and leave the rest - we won't be offended. No one is trying to fix you (though many of us are tried-and true Codies), but we will try to help, and care, and listen.
C_OH Dad
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
