Lightning Bug

Whew... going on five days is awesome. I am happy about it. I haven't had withdrawal - I wonder if it is because I had almost three weeks of sobriety before my bender?

My head still hurts from the concussion. I am still bruised. I am going to just be somewhat honest when people ask, I am simply going to say I fell. I know they will think my husband beats me, but I can't very well tell colleagues I had a bender and broke a toilet with my head. People at work know I have low blood pressure and dizzy spells (I have had issues at work with that). So hopefully they will just assume that. Or maybe I will just say that. Who knows. My hair covers most of the bruising. Maybe no one will notice. Listen to me worrying about such a little thing. Bigger picture... 5 days sober and not craving a thing!!

GO BUG!

Lightning Bug

So far I have completed some necessary tasks to right my life. I fixed my bank account. I paid for the broken toilet. I reactivated an old phone (lost my iphone at the hotel). I got myself up and to work yesterday to make up hours. Will go again today. I made time for my children. They aren't mad at me. I started long ignored housework. I paid bills. I have been reading here, Smart Recovery and Rational Recovery. I have been eating a little (I don't eat much, but I am trying). I have been taking my medication properly (husband gives me my daily doses).

I know that was the most boring post ever. But to me a list of checked off responsibilities makes me feel normal. I want to feel normal and not like some ugly toad who can't manage life. Ugly toads belong in fairy tales and life is not a fairy tale. Life requires living. I haven't been living properly due to my abuse. Now I live.

Lightning Bug

I am going to use this post as my chatterbox for the day. It is ok if no one reads it. I just need a place to talk.

I have been taking my Campral. I don't know if it is that or my own strong convictions that are keeping the monster at bay. It is a tool that I am using in my plan. So I will keep on taking it and working my plan.

Today I plan on going to work at 11:30 or so. I plan on really working (I am a computer programmer and have several programs I have been half assing for weeks now). I am not going to clock watch for the end of the day so I can go home for wine.

I am going to read more of the points on Smart Recovery. I have been sticking to you guys like glue, but I need to venture out for literature. I am going to keep on posting here - you may get sick of me. Just say Bug - shut up already. I won't be offended.

And I am going to eat three meals. I have a problem with food too. I am a recovering bulimic. It has been more than four years now since my clean date for that. But I still wrestle with food. Sometimes I eat only one meal. Sometimes I skip. But today I plan on eating three squares.

Bug

Lightning Bug

I am also working on my relationship with my husband. I am coming to the realization that he is not the enemy. He locks up my keys at night. He is not controlling me, he is protecting me from driving off to the store. He locks up his beer. I don't like beer but who knows what would happen if it was in the fridge. He can have alcohol. He can control it. Just because I can't control it doesn't mean he has to stop. I am not fighting him when he doles out my daily meds. I have been known to skip some and overuse others. Until I have control I will accept the help.

And as I work on me I hope he will start to trust me again.

Bug

yinzer

Five days is great. I didn't think I could make 5 days and before I knew it 50 was here.
Keep on going!

Lightning Bug

I am waiting patiently for my personality to come back. The person you saw last week posting as Lighteningbug is the real me. I was sober two weeks last Saturday and I felt like the real me. Right now is surreal. I am trying to come to terms with what happened. It is stifling me with guilt and regret. I am not me yet.

The Bug will be back soon. The mods can start censoring my crazy again very soon!

Bug

Lightning Bug

I made it three weeks before Tuesday. Those days flew by. I know time will fly again and I will have many days under my belt.

Congrats on the 50 days. You rock!

Bug

Lonelywombat67

Hold on. I'm positive you can make it. Take care of yourself please.

Lightning Bug

I will. I am being gentle with myself. Thanks for your support. We can both make it!

D122y

Earth,

That head injury will heal. Your addiction never will.

Stay clean. Change your life.

Being sober is how we were designed to live.

Lightning Bug

Working on it one day at a time.

Lightning Bug

Life is full of the little things. The feeling of a child in your lap, the smell of fresh laundry, the taste of a piece of chocolate, the feeling of accomplishment, the knowledge that you are making good decisions.

Drinking made me ignore those. I didn't enjoy my children (6 and 7), I didn't enjoy my work (I usually love it), I didn't appreciate the world around me.

I just wanted to drink all of it away until I was passed out. That is insane. What is life if you are not living it?

Bug

Anna

These posts are far from boring. Rather, they show a woman who knows what to do to help herself and who is taking action.

Congratulations on Day 5.

Delilah1

Glad you are starting to feel a little better, and making a plan to keep sober. Great job on five days!:-)

Lightning Bug

Thanks Anna. You know, I have known for quite some time what to do and what actions to take. But I ignored that rational thinking so I could keep on abusing myself. It took one cab ride to hell for me to wake up and be the woman and adult I am supposed to be. I have such confidence in my plan and in myself. I have succeeded in all other things I have attempted to do. There is no reason why I can't succeed at this.

Bug

Lightning Bug

Thanks Delilah! Every day sober is a good day.

Bug

Lightning Bug

Sometimes I try to understand when and why I started drinking. I didn't do it as a teen or a twentysomething (my workaholic days). It was after I had children and became a stay at home mom at 35. Some women are good at staying at home - they love it. Some women are not and may come to resent it. That was me. I hated being at home. Loved my kids, but hated housework and cooking and playdough. I thrive at work. i stayed home until my youngest was in kindy. That was two years ago. The drinking in a maze of resentment should have theoretically gone away when my circumstances changed. But my addiction had a vice grip on me and I just kept on drinking. That damn beast still had me in it's clutches.

Bug

Lightning Bug

I just feel like talking today. Hope no one minds my ramblings.

I joined Sober Recovery in 2013 with good intentions. Stuck around, read, and then disappeared.

I came back last week - almost three weeks sober. I think I came back because I somehow knew that my walls were going to come crumbling down and my dragons were going to unleash fury on the world. And unleash fury they did. Four days later.

I somehow knew I would need you all. So I came back. I am thankful to be here.

Bug

Autumnlover19

I am loving your ramblings Bug. Keep up the good work. You inspire me! I'm on day 3.

Lightning Bug

Jemma day 3 is AWESOME! How are you feeling? Has your fog lifted?

Bug