Long-term happiness: the cheated upon spouse and "the other woman"
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Long-term happiness: the cheated upon spouse and "the other woman"
Did your partner cheat and leave? Survey finds an upside - TODAY.com
For those of us who have had a spouse cheat, I think this is an interesting study and supports my own experience.
After my first husband cheated on me and divorced me, I went on to do a lot of soul searching and self evaluation. Later, I ended up marrying the love of my life, my late husband.
My first husband, however, was in a relationship for a while with an alcoholic, abusive woman who had serious mental health issues.
Having a spouse cheat on you is the most brutal and intimate betrayal, but there is good news on the other side!
Peace in the valley,
Seren
For those of us who have had a spouse cheat, I think this is an interesting study and supports my own experience.
After my first husband cheated on me and divorced me, I went on to do a lot of soul searching and self evaluation. Later, I ended up marrying the love of my life, my late husband.
My first husband, however, was in a relationship for a while with an alcoholic, abusive woman who had serious mental health issues.
Having a spouse cheat on you is the most brutal and intimate betrayal, but there is good news on the other side!
Peace in the valley,
Seren
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Many years ago, a 5-year live-in relationship ended b/c of cheating by my BF. On the one hand, it's true that the "other woman" knew the man she was with was a liar and a cheat right from the get-go. On the other hand, I'm sure she had a healthy dose of "but he wouldn't do that to ME" going on, believing I deserved the way he treated me but that she was special and he'd never do that to HER.
(I think we have a stickied thread about "he'll be different w/me", don't we?)
I have no idea what the long-term outcome was, as this was over 30 years ago and I have no contact w/any of those people any more. It might be small-minded of me, but I do hope what this article said turned out to be true!
(I think we have a stickied thread about "he'll be different w/me", don't we?)
I have no idea what the long-term outcome was, as this was over 30 years ago and I have no contact w/any of those people any more. It might be small-minded of me, but I do hope what this article said turned out to be true!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
My AH apparently started cheating on me almost 2 years ago. Our youngest was only 7 months old at the time. He left last year in a hail of addiction, going AWOL from rehab, etc.
Even before the cheating and before he left, I've been on a journey to better myself and heal from a lifetime of dysfunction. Him leaving was a blessing in disguise. Even though it's been really hard, I'm doing better now than I've ever been in my life. I have SO outgrown him and his immature, selfish ways.
He, on the other hand, went from making 6 figures and living in a nice house to barely scraping by, from being a shoo-in to be the CEO of a company that makes millions to having little prospects... Of course this has affected me and the kids' future too, and I'm still somewhat bitter and incredulous about it, but I'm in school, on track for a career in the medical field, and we'll be ok.
And the OW has a lying, cheating addict who abandoned his family and barely has a pot to **** in. Yuck.
Even before the cheating and before he left, I've been on a journey to better myself and heal from a lifetime of dysfunction. Him leaving was a blessing in disguise. Even though it's been really hard, I'm doing better now than I've ever been in my life. I have SO outgrown him and his immature, selfish ways.
He, on the other hand, went from making 6 figures and living in a nice house to barely scraping by, from being a shoo-in to be the CEO of a company that makes millions to having little prospects... Of course this has affected me and the kids' future too, and I'm still somewhat bitter and incredulous about it, but I'm in school, on track for a career in the medical field, and we'll be ok.
And the OW has a lying, cheating addict who abandoned his family and barely has a pot to **** in. Yuck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by honeypig 
... (I think we have a stickied thread about "he'll be different w/me", don't we?) ...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html
Mike
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
That would be the one, Mike--thank you!
Here's a little excerpt, for anyone who hasn't seen it yet:
And even if he WAS being dishonest at the start of your relationship, he lied to someone ELSE. It's not like he was dishonest with YOU (that you know of, yet), so that makes it OK, right? (So what if ms-non-partner-material thought the same thing, and excused him, the first time she found out he was dishonest with her? This time, he will be different, because he really LOVES you.)
Here's a little excerpt, for anyone who hasn't seen it yet:
And even if he WAS being dishonest at the start of your relationship, he lied to someone ELSE. It's not like he was dishonest with YOU (that you know of, yet), so that makes it OK, right? (So what if ms-non-partner-material thought the same thing, and excused him, the first time she found out he was dishonest with her? This time, he will be different, because he really LOVES you.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I've only been cheated on once in my life. It was with my xagf. She cheated on all her men. I just thought I'd be different.
I didn't need a lot of soul searching. Once she became my ex I didn't have it in my l8fe anymore.
Yes it hurt, but only because I thought I would be the one that was all in for her.
The problem is not with us. Ya'll need to stop soul searching over it.
We didn't do it, we weren't the reason and we won't be the reason they continue.
I didn't need a lot of soul searching. Once she became my ex I didn't have it in my l8fe anymore.
Yes it hurt, but only because I thought I would be the one that was all in for her.
The problem is not with us. Ya'll need to stop soul searching over it.
We didn't do it, we weren't the reason and we won't be the reason they continue.
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Hangn....the soul searching was more about why I married a man capable of that in the first place. What was I missing in myself that I chose this man to try to fill that need?
Not soul searching as in "what did I do to make him do this?"
Not soul searching as in "what did I do to make him do this?"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Seren
Oh, Hangn....the soul searching was more about why I married a man capable of that in the first place. What was I missing in myself that I chose this man to try to fill that need?
Not soul searching as in "what did I do to make him do this?"
Not soul searching as in "what did I do to make him do this?"
But I can say I did reflect back on how I ever got involved with her. The fact is, she was sober for awhile, she cleaned up to make a suitable impression. And she had a lot of good qualities.
Until the other side starts to make its appearance. There were red flags. I should have listened to them. That is where I failed me. That time.
Won't happen again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
I love lemonade type things like this. I wan't cheated on as far as I know but he sure found someone else fast. This was a really good thing.
I do catch myself in the I'm-so-special kind of thinking on occasion. It makes me laugh at myself. Perhaps we all have this kind of feeling somewhere.
I do catch myself in the I'm-so-special kind of thinking on occasion. It makes me laugh at myself. Perhaps we all have this kind of feeling somewhere.
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Again. Don't overthink it. You were lied to. You were cheated on. He will continue, it just won't be with you
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
But I can say I did reflect back on how I ever got involved with her. The fact is, she was sober for awhile, she cleaned up to make a suitable impression. And she had a lot of good qualities.
Until the other side starts to make its appearance. There were red flags. I should have listened to them. That is where I failed me. That time.
Won't happen again.
Until the other side starts to make its appearance. There were red flags. I should have listened to them. That is where I failed me. That time.
Won't happen again.
To me, what the research suggests is that those of us who were left and who take the time to learn from the broken relationship will make better choices going forward. As I said in my first post, that certainly seems to support my own experience.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
For me, it was also "why did I put up with so much for so long?" And realizing that my sense of self worth was in the gutter and needed to be nurtured - if I'd truly valued myself, I would have run a long time ago. Lots of FOO issues there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Seren
Overthink it? I just learned from that experience. Something along the lines of this, except without the alcohol:
Forgive me if the term "soul searching" is offensive or overstated to you, but I simply mean the same thing you describe here. Why did I ever get involved with that man in the first place? Were there red flags that I missed, or did I see them and ignore them? If I did ignore them, why? It was a mistake I did not want to repeat.
To me, what the research suggests is that those of us who were left and who take the time to learn from the broken relationship will make better choices going forward. As I said in my first post, that certainly seems to support my own experience.
Forgive me if the term "soul searching" is offensive or overstated to you, but I simply mean the same thing you describe here. Why did I ever get involved with that man in the first place? Were there red flags that I missed, or did I see them and ignore them? If I did ignore them, why? It was a mistake I did not want to repeat.
To me, what the research suggests is that those of us who were left and who take the time to learn from the broken relationship will make better choices going forward. As I said in my first post, that certainly seems to support my own experience.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I love lemonade type things like this. I wan't cheated on as far as I know but he sure found someone else fast. This was a really good thing.
I do catch myself in the I'm-so-special kind of thinking on occasion. It makes me laugh at myself. Perhaps we all have this kind of feeling somewhere.
I do catch myself in the I'm-so-special kind of thinking on occasion. It makes me laugh at myself. Perhaps we all have this kind of feeling somewhere.
I saw this article a few days ago and was able to see the parallels even though I hadn't been technically cheated on. My "red flag detector" has certainly been upgraded.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My cognitive therapist told me:
"XABF had nice qualities, of course you liked those qualities, then you got more information and committed to your own health, had to take separate ways..., don't overthink it. Not because you have always chosen vanilla ice cream does it mean that you will always choose it, you can choose chocolate next time"
... which is a great way to see things. However, I think there are patterns, and there's a lot that is unconscious that plays out in reality. And that is where introspection and self analysis and honesty come to place, what I also believe is soul searching... I am not convinced that lifelong patterns of behavior and thinking can be dropped that simply, only by "deciding something different next time" in a conscious level like the cognitive approach says...
Great food for thought! in any case, whatever helps some person heal is valid IMHO, and it is true that sometimes we are too hard on ourselves...
"XABF had nice qualities, of course you liked those qualities, then you got more information and committed to your own health, had to take separate ways..., don't overthink it. Not because you have always chosen vanilla ice cream does it mean that you will always choose it, you can choose chocolate next time"
... which is a great way to see things. However, I think there are patterns, and there's a lot that is unconscious that plays out in reality. And that is where introspection and self analysis and honesty come to place, what I also believe is soul searching... I am not convinced that lifelong patterns of behavior and thinking can be dropped that simply, only by "deciding something different next time" in a conscious level like the cognitive approach says...
Great food for thought! in any case, whatever helps some person heal is valid IMHO, and it is true that sometimes we are too hard on ourselves...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
