We met in a bar
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We met in a bar
We met in a bar… Shocking, I know.
It was my birthday. We danced, we played pool. He was so very handsome, and tall, and he asked for my number at the end of the night. I figured I’d never hear from him again… but I did, the very next day.
Our first date was a few days later. We went for a 6 mile hike, and on the way down, I slipped and fell hard on my rear… in front of not only him, but a group of other hikers. He helped me up, and put his arm around me. I put my head on his chest for a minute. I was really embarrassed. He always told me, and everybody else, that was when he fell in love with me. He said he loved that I put my head on his chest… that I felt comfortable to go to him for comfort when I was so embarrassed.
After our hike, we went for brunch at a fancy outdoor restaurant. There was some kind of wedding party there also, and everyone was dressed up, except us. I was dirty and sweaty. I had brought a change of clothes in this really big duffel bag with ladybugs on it. So I brought the bag to the table, thinking I would change my clothes in the restroom, but I don’t think I ever did… I just was dirty and sweaty, and carrying around a big bag that I didn’t know where to put. I was awkward and I felt silly, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was so intent on everything I was saying, and he just seemed to like me so much, that he didn’t care about any of that other stuff.
I remember telling my mom about him, and how he was just so “nice and good” and seemed so normal.
I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks after I met him because I was just so crazy in love that I could not eat and I could not sleep…. It was a really euphoric experience and I had/have never felt like that other than then.
***
I’ve been going over all my lists and journalings of all the bad stuff… and I’m glad I have that to remind me of how bad it actually did get, because it’s easy to forget sometimes…
But I guess I don’t want to forget the good times either.
I’m just really sad today.
Thanks for reading
It was my birthday. We danced, we played pool. He was so very handsome, and tall, and he asked for my number at the end of the night. I figured I’d never hear from him again… but I did, the very next day.
Our first date was a few days later. We went for a 6 mile hike, and on the way down, I slipped and fell hard on my rear… in front of not only him, but a group of other hikers. He helped me up, and put his arm around me. I put my head on his chest for a minute. I was really embarrassed. He always told me, and everybody else, that was when he fell in love with me. He said he loved that I put my head on his chest… that I felt comfortable to go to him for comfort when I was so embarrassed.
After our hike, we went for brunch at a fancy outdoor restaurant. There was some kind of wedding party there also, and everyone was dressed up, except us. I was dirty and sweaty. I had brought a change of clothes in this really big duffel bag with ladybugs on it. So I brought the bag to the table, thinking I would change my clothes in the restroom, but I don’t think I ever did… I just was dirty and sweaty, and carrying around a big bag that I didn’t know where to put. I was awkward and I felt silly, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was so intent on everything I was saying, and he just seemed to like me so much, that he didn’t care about any of that other stuff.
I remember telling my mom about him, and how he was just so “nice and good” and seemed so normal.
I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks after I met him because I was just so crazy in love that I could not eat and I could not sleep…. It was a really euphoric experience and I had/have never felt like that other than then.
***
I’ve been going over all my lists and journalings of all the bad stuff… and I’m glad I have that to remind me of how bad it actually did get, because it’s easy to forget sometimes…
But I guess I don’t want to forget the good times either.
I’m just really sad today.
Thanks for reading
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Much love to you, Kboys.
I remember when STBXAH and I got back in touch after 15+ years since high school. When he first came out to visit me, he flew to Chicago and took the train into downtown. It was the first time he had ever flown on a plane, and the first time he had ever taken a subway or elevated public transportation train. I waited for him by the subway exit, and that was where we were reunited in person. We spent the weekend driving around Chicago, going out for Mexican food and pizza, and watching movies. He was so different from my ex-husband: self-sufficient, not even remotely wishy-washy, and confident. He was kind, and genuinely engaged with what I had to say.
I think it's good to remember the good times, too. It helps to humanize my STBXAH, and helps me maintain compassion for him in a healthy way because I can remember what he was like when he WAS sober and in recovery. I have to keep the more recent, bad stuff in mind, too...it keeps me grounded in what the reality is NOW.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Tight tight hugs. I've so been there-I have reminisced so much about first seeing my ex. I don't want to ever forget that, truthfully. I refuse to be bitter or filled eith hate-and the truth is I didn't divirce him bc the good wasbt good, I divirced him bc the demons and bad WERE that bad. I definitely don't wabt to forget the good-and I don't think you are doing anything wrong with remembering these times.
P.S. I met my ex husband on a river and just clicked instantly. I was drinking/drunk, so was he. Next few weeks were euphoric, literally. He just got me, you know? K-I know how you are feeling, and just wanted to let you know you are not alone. But keep your eyes open!
P.S. I met my ex husband on a river and just clicked instantly. I was drinking/drunk, so was he. Next few weeks were euphoric, literally. He just got me, you know? K-I know how you are feeling, and just wanted to let you know you are not alone. But keep your eyes open!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks after I met him because I was just so crazy in love that I could not eat and I could not sleep…. It was a really euphoric experience and I had/have never felt like that other than then.
if ya changed a couple words, you just described my first couple of weeks doing crack.
and i think that is the lesson.....if within 14 days we have lost 10 pounds, can't eat or sleep....that is NOT a GOOD thing.
even if it feels good.
i know for me there will NEVER be anything like those first few hits.....and i hope i never find anything that captures me like that again!! like a big huge cherry picker, with it's claws snatching me.
i prefer both feet on the ground now.....
if ya changed a couple words, you just described my first couple of weeks doing crack.
and i think that is the lesson.....if within 14 days we have lost 10 pounds, can't eat or sleep....that is NOT a GOOD thing.
even if it feels good.
i know for me there will NEVER be anything like those first few hits.....and i hope i never find anything that captures me like that again!! like a big huge cherry picker, with it's claws snatching me.
i prefer both feet on the ground now.....
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I think we all remember the days of early attraction and romance. It is among the "peak experiences" of life...
It is the closest to being under the influence of drugs from an emotional, physiologic origin as one can get. (as per Anvilhead) And, for good reason...lol.....
Romantic attraction and the bonding process that comes with it causes the hypothalamus, in the brain, to set in progress, a cascade of hormones directly into the bloodstream. Hormones are powerful...the most powerful substances in the body.
Of course, Mother Nature cleverly designed it this way. It is what drives the propagation of the species. It is one of the basic human drives.....
It is the common experience of all of us.
I think it is so normal for us to remember those events that are so emotionally charged....and ,to remember them in detail.
I think that is why the concept of "first love" is shared so fondly...because it is usually the first time for this "peak experience". Not that the first love is necessarily the best love...but, the first feeling of that intensity.....and, that forms a strong lasting memory.
Regardless of how the rest of the relationship turns out...good or bad....I don't think we can ever forget the magical time when we "fell in love".
dandylion
It is the closest to being under the influence of drugs from an emotional, physiologic origin as one can get. (as per Anvilhead) And, for good reason...lol.....
Romantic attraction and the bonding process that comes with it causes the hypothalamus, in the brain, to set in progress, a cascade of hormones directly into the bloodstream. Hormones are powerful...the most powerful substances in the body.
Of course, Mother Nature cleverly designed it this way. It is what drives the propagation of the species. It is one of the basic human drives.....
It is the common experience of all of us.
I think it is so normal for us to remember those events that are so emotionally charged....and ,to remember them in detail.
I think that is why the concept of "first love" is shared so fondly...because it is usually the first time for this "peak experience". Not that the first love is necessarily the best love...but, the first feeling of that intensity.....and, that forms a strong lasting memory.
Regardless of how the rest of the relationship turns out...good or bad....I don't think we can ever forget the magical time when we "fell in love".
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Sending lots of hugs. A's can be so charming and wonderful. I just came across a poem I wrote about meeting him and falling in love and becoming his wife. And preparing for court all the loving kind texts sent to one another and it can hurt, but its ok to remember the good memories, but of course more important to remind yourself of the bad and you know you made the best decision.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks after I met him because I was just so crazy in love that I could not eat and I could not sleep…. It was a really euphoric experience and I had/have never felt like that other than then.
if ya changed a couple words, you just described my first couple of weeks doing crack.
and i think that is the lesson.....if within 14 days we have lost 10 pounds, can't eat or sleep....that is NOT a GOOD thing.
even if it feels good.
if ya changed a couple words, you just described my first couple of weeks doing crack.
and i think that is the lesson.....if within 14 days we have lost 10 pounds, can't eat or sleep....that is NOT a GOOD thing.
even if it feels good.
Yeah, I guess it should have been a red flag... But there were LOTS of red flags that I ignored when it came to him.
Thanks everybody, for your words, and for being here and letting me share.
I'm feeling a little better now.
Happy weekend!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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so our MISSION, if we choose to accept it is....to stop at the FIRST red flag....from here on out. to not GET so caught up, so quickly....to take our time....to not fall in love in the first 12 seconds. that goes for partners AND infomercials!!!
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Location: Texas
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K-I recall my then husband telling me he just didn't feel like he would die without me anymore and wabted to feel the way he did when we first met...I recall staring at him like a deer in the headlights. Are you friggin serious, dude? That's what you think love is?!? That you would die without someone? God help the next girl in line-no relationship will last with him bc that's NOT love-it's mental illness! No wonder our marriage never measured up-I guess the euphoria was supposed to last ten years! Or forever! Combine that immature viewpoint with alcoholism and abuse and bingo-you get to divorce. Gawd it was like being married to a child the last few years.
I agree with you, K-and you know my story...overlooked red shiny beacons and did not proceed with caution. Never ignoring a red flag again. Love takes time-it grows, it's nurtured. Instead of looking for someone to complete us, let's make our lives completed, first, before we look for love. I know for me, had I out the brakes on and actually paid attention to the reality in front if me, I would have run very quickly away. I am not angry I did not run away bc I do have my life's best memories with my ex-but also the worst (which reading my journal keeps my head in NOW and the reality of what my ex IS, and not was). Those bad memories made you who you are today-a strong woman unwilling to put up with abuse or soneone that doesbt respect you. The bad memories allowed you to forge the new you, so they are good in that respect ( if that makes sense).
Just sending you hugs...I do go through these times, too.
Question for you-do you think this is all coming up bc you are stil talking to him? About stuff with y'all? I wonder if you need to heal more with no contact to get your head and heart fixed so you can see things straight-whichever way they turn out). ? Just my thoughts....
Love ya, friend.
I agree with you, K-and you know my story...overlooked red shiny beacons and did not proceed with caution. Never ignoring a red flag again. Love takes time-it grows, it's nurtured. Instead of looking for someone to complete us, let's make our lives completed, first, before we look for love. I know for me, had I out the brakes on and actually paid attention to the reality in front if me, I would have run very quickly away. I am not angry I did not run away bc I do have my life's best memories with my ex-but also the worst (which reading my journal keeps my head in NOW and the reality of what my ex IS, and not was). Those bad memories made you who you are today-a strong woman unwilling to put up with abuse or soneone that doesbt respect you. The bad memories allowed you to forge the new you, so they are good in that respect ( if that makes sense).
Just sending you hugs...I do go through these times, too.
Question for you-do you think this is all coming up bc you are stil talking to him? About stuff with y'all? I wonder if you need to heal more with no contact to get your head and heart fixed so you can see things straight-whichever way they turn out). ? Just my thoughts....
Love ya, friend.
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Falling in love with my XAH was the wildest, most fantastic, mind altering trip I've ever been on. Boy Howdy!
Yes, I love the good memories and I hate the bad memories, but I make a point of remembering both. In fact it was through those bad memories that I proved myself to be the righteous bad-ass that I am today.
Sorry you're feeling down, Kboys. I think maybe this is just a phase we all need to get through. I know I went through it myself. But, the farther out I get the more in balance those memories seem to be, and in the end that's what we're looking for. Balance. Then, once we've achieved that balance we can accept Anvilhead's mission of moving on to our next adventure clearheaded.
Yes, I love the good memories and I hate the bad memories, but I make a point of remembering both. In fact it was through those bad memories that I proved myself to be the righteous bad-ass that I am today.
Sorry you're feeling down, Kboys. I think maybe this is just a phase we all need to get through. I know I went through it myself. But, the farther out I get the more in balance those memories seem to be, and in the end that's what we're looking for. Balance. Then, once we've achieved that balance we can accept Anvilhead's mission of moving on to our next adventure clearheaded.
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I have had several of these scenarios myself and I agree with Anvil its like drugs. Its a high that drugs (well maybe but I don't know) can't achieve.
I am happier in my life with my partner than I ever have been with anyone. If I were ever single again and felt that same feeling I would RUN LIKE THE WIND. I acknowledged long time ago these type relationships, that almost immediate "high feeling", and feeling like you had met a soul mate in an hour, are all disastrous.
I wonder if I could even feel like that again because I was sick with codie drama, and the men were all screwed up. Hmmm. Oh well I hope I never find out.
I am happier in my life with my partner than I ever have been with anyone. If I were ever single again and felt that same feeling I would RUN LIKE THE WIND. I acknowledged long time ago these type relationships, that almost immediate "high feeling", and feeling like you had met a soul mate in an hour, are all disastrous.
I wonder if I could even feel like that again because I was sick with codie drama, and the men were all screwed up. Hmmm. Oh well I hope I never find out.
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Originally Posted by Praying
Not to hijack the thread (maybe I should start a new one), but what did it look like for those of you who found a non-codie, non-fall-too-fast, NOT swept off your feet kind of relationship? How did it develop?
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HUGS.
This is why I always journal, it becomes SO easy to forget the bad parts..selective memory I suppose.
I have a journal from the day I found recovery and I also keep a relationship one to make sure I don't start putting myself on the back burner ever again. I seem to need concrete evidence that what I was remembering really happened ..
This is why I always journal, it becomes SO easy to forget the bad parts..selective memory I suppose.
I have a journal from the day I found recovery and I also keep a relationship one to make sure I don't start putting myself on the back burner ever again. I seem to need concrete evidence that what I was remembering really happened ..
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Originally Posted by Praying
Not to hijack the thread (maybe I should start a new one), but what did it look like for those of you who found a non-codie, non-fall-too-fast, NOT swept off your feet kind of relationship? How did it develop?
No red flags?
Yawn. They didn't get a second date.
How did that work out? I have a looooong post coming up. Still too broken up over burying my first "love of my life" a few weeks ago. Watching my kids do a 2 day death vigil....
He was 61...our choices can sometimes determine our kids destiny. And our future started in a bar where he pestered me till I went on one date knowing he was T-R-O-U-B-L-E!
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Originally Posted by Praying
Not to hijack the thread (maybe I should start a new one), but what did it look like for those of you who found a non-codie, non-fall-too-fast, NOT swept off your feet kind of relationship? How did it develop?
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
No wonder our marriage never measured up-I guess the euphoria was supposed to last ten years! Or forever! Combine that immature viewpoint with alcoholism and abuse and bingo-you get to divorce. Gawd it was like being married to a child the last few years.
Question for you-do you think this is all coming up bc you are stil talking to him? About stuff with y'all? I wonder if you need to heal more with no contact to get your head and heart fixed so you can see things straight-whichever way they turn out). ? Just my thoughts....
Question for you-do you think this is all coming up bc you are stil talking to him? About stuff with y'all? I wonder if you need to heal more with no contact to get your head and heart fixed so you can see things straight-whichever way they turn out). ? Just my thoughts....
Mine would get so jealous of the kids... it seemed like no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried to make time for him, and set up alone time, it was never enough. When I asked him once what else I could do to help him feel as though I still wanted him he told me, "well I can't put my finger on it, but you just don't show me the same level of affection you show to the kids."
THEY ARE MY KIDS.... just not the same thing.
I still tried so hard though, for a long time, to show him that "level of affection," even when it was often disingenuous, toward the end... which was my mistake, I know, and only kept the downward spiral going doooown.
And yeah, I do think this is coming up since I was talking to him, and letting myself have those maybe, what-if fantasies. I was definitely doing better when I had no contact with him.
Haven't talked to him since last week, but he will be coming over tomorrow for his class, and will be seeing the kids tomorrow evening...
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