Think I'm finally starting to get it...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Think I'm finally starting to get it...
AXBF and I have many mutual friends (broke up a month ago after 8 years) and there is a semi important event that we were both invited to in a couple of weeks.
Side note: I have decided to stop drinking for a while to help clear my head and gain control of my emotions and really sort this horrid mess out. Something tells me my denial has only partly lifted because knowing the whole truth while being stuck in the house, hopefully I'll be out in a month, would drive me insane.
... at any rate he is going to be at this event and my stomach dropped at the news. This event is for a housewarming for a couple that I am close to, I am also in their wedding... as well as he...
I am not sure if going is the best thing for me as I noticed that whenever I finish talking to him, even though it has only about the selling of the house, I become wrought with emotions and feel like crap. He takes this as "I'm sooo in love with him" and it makes me sick knowing that it feeds his ego even more. He's oblivious to how sick this situation has made me feel and how I would rather he fall off the planet at this point.
Do I go and risk my emotional well being? Can I go and be okay? There are going to be many people there so it would hardly be an intimate setting but I am having doubts. I think part of me wants proof I did the right thing by pushing him away, that he's as toxic as it makes me feel right now... and I also don't want to be in isolation because this is the core group of our friends. I never thought I'd see the day where the thought of seeing him would make me feel ill
Side note: I have decided to stop drinking for a while to help clear my head and gain control of my emotions and really sort this horrid mess out. Something tells me my denial has only partly lifted because knowing the whole truth while being stuck in the house, hopefully I'll be out in a month, would drive me insane.
... at any rate he is going to be at this event and my stomach dropped at the news. This event is for a housewarming for a couple that I am close to, I am also in their wedding... as well as he...
I am not sure if going is the best thing for me as I noticed that whenever I finish talking to him, even though it has only about the selling of the house, I become wrought with emotions and feel like crap. He takes this as "I'm sooo in love with him" and it makes me sick knowing that it feeds his ego even more. He's oblivious to how sick this situation has made me feel and how I would rather he fall off the planet at this point.
Do I go and risk my emotional well being? Can I go and be okay? There are going to be many people there so it would hardly be an intimate setting but I am having doubts. I think part of me wants proof I did the right thing by pushing him away, that he's as toxic as it makes me feel right now... and I also don't want to be in isolation because this is the core group of our friends. I never thought I'd see the day where the thought of seeing him would make me feel ill
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I think it is exceedingly difficult to balance respecting your own emotional limitations with the need to avoid making life one giant pity party. It's hard to know when to push your comfort zone boundaries a little in order to achieve some personal growth and get a little closer to being able to move on.
You guys have only been apart for a month, after a very long-term relationship. I would think about for a couple of days, and perhaps call the person in the couple you are closer to, and explain the broad strokes of your concerns. My personal opinion is that it is ABSOLUTELY ok for you to skip this party if it's going to mess too much with your serenity right now, especially since there is a wedding coming up that you will not only be attending, but participating in.
My guess is that if this couple are true friends, they will completely understand if you feel you should bow out of the housewarming party.
You guys have only been apart for a month, after a very long-term relationship. I would think about for a couple of days, and perhaps call the person in the couple you are closer to, and explain the broad strokes of your concerns. My personal opinion is that it is ABSOLUTELY ok for you to skip this party if it's going to mess too much with your serenity right now, especially since there is a wedding coming up that you will not only be attending, but participating in.
My guess is that if this couple are true friends, they will completely understand if you feel you should bow out of the housewarming party.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with Wisconsin. I would be truthful to the bride or groom (whomever you are closer to) and explain how you are feeling. I would not go, but I would send a nice gift.
It's just not worth it. Hugs to you.
It's just not worth it. Hugs to you.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Expanding,
Do you have anyone that knows the situation and can go with you? Just having support in your situation can help. Trying to handle this alone is going to make it so much harder for you.
Have you thought about checking out Alanon? So many people have been through what you are dealing with, and would be thrilled to help you get through it. You are going to have so many more of these situations to face, and having the support of others who won't judge you, and have experience could be very beneficial.
I have been in Alanon for a long time. I need friends that understand me, and support me. Even if you don't go to Alanon, find a friend you can trust to help you through this. Every time you face him alone, you are going to feel the same. Having some support will help you be able to be with your friends, and not let his being there ruin it. Hugs, Magic
Do you have anyone that knows the situation and can go with you? Just having support in your situation can help. Trying to handle this alone is going to make it so much harder for you.
Have you thought about checking out Alanon? So many people have been through what you are dealing with, and would be thrilled to help you get through it. You are going to have so many more of these situations to face, and having the support of others who won't judge you, and have experience could be very beneficial.
I have been in Alanon for a long time. I need friends that understand me, and support me. Even if you don't go to Alanon, find a friend you can trust to help you through this. Every time you face him alone, you are going to feel the same. Having some support will help you be able to be with your friends, and not let his being there ruin it. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree - at one-month post break, any interaction can be triggering. It's SMART to limit your exposure to what you know hurts you, right?
Like it was said, good friends will honestly understand your conflict & your absence wouldn't likely be missed much in a large crowd. If you feel like you HAVE to attend, even briefly for some reason, I would only do it with an Exit Plan ready to be executed so you can leave the moment you feel uncomfortable. These really are tough situations to navigate. (((((hugs)))))))
Like it was said, good friends will honestly understand your conflict & your absence wouldn't likely be missed much in a large crowd. If you feel like you HAVE to attend, even briefly for some reason, I would only do it with an Exit Plan ready to be executed so you can leave the moment you feel uncomfortable. These really are tough situations to navigate. (((((hugs)))))))
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