mamaof3boyz

So every day is another day where my so called RAH is spending more money at the Kratom bar. Last month he spent just over $1,000 at the Kava bar. Hasn't been to a meeting in months and doesn't have a sponsor. He brings nothing to our relationship. Uses me, spends my money. I keep telling my friends I need to grow a pair...it's this thing called FOG. How to get passed it...anyone?

glitterdeva

Well, I prayed a lot to have my situation resolved. I said G-d, I don't think I can leave my heroin addicted husband ever, well, unless he cheats. I remember I said that. And he went on a 4 day bender and some junkie told me he cheated. Call it divine intervention The rest I just did on autopilot. I did 6 years with this man. I say did intentionally, did like people do time in prison. Because this is what it is, prison of the mind, spirit and body - we are prisoners to their addiction. I am not a strong person, I am not very smart, this is just how it happened for me. I read other stories where their addicts did something so bad that they just couldn't do it anymore. Then some just had enough. Some were taking too early.. I know all about FOG, it's almost an addiction, as my soon to be ex husband woukd steal, abuse me verbally and mentally, use me for money, not care about the kids or anything else, lose jobs, steal, and I still find a rationalization for why it's not that bad until it is this bad...

AdelineRose

Counseling might be a good start, I have never found a problem that counseling didn't improve some form of way. It can also help you put into perspective what YOU need to be happy, what YOU deserve to get in a relationship, and what YOU do not need to put up with if you are unhappy.

Boundaries have also helped me a lot, such as you will no longer finance any type of drug be it tobacco, alcohol, pills, etc. Anything that is mind altering you refuse to contribute to. I found that boundary allowed me to stop worrying over bills and money.

If he is bringing nothing to the relationship, then if you decide to leave there won't be much to miss technically. How about making a pro and con list about the relationship that could help put things into perspective. I know it is hard to walk away, but at some point we need make sure we are living the life we want and that the bad doesn't outweigh the good in any relationship, never mind romantic.

FeelingGreat

Mama, I find it helpful to write lists! Just sitting there, writing clarifies your thoughts.

You stay because of FOG. Why not write three lists under
Fear - have a think about what scares you. Are your fears realistic? Can they be planned against.
Obligation - how do you think you should act as a wife. How should a woman with great self-esteem act?
Guilt - What makes you feel guilty? Is your guilt realistic?

Then write the same list but for him. Is he feeling guilty, fearful, or obliged?

Ann

Mama, I know how hard this is for you and I think you will make your decisions when you are ready, and I don't think that time is far away.

In the meantime, maybe make a plan. Put money aside that he cannot access to take care of your bills and needs and a little extra for your "escape" fund, should you decide to use it one day.

Think about where you would go, or how you would get him to leave should the time come that you decide that's what you want.

Surround yourself with support, here, meetings and family and friends. You don't' have to go through this alone.

Sometimes just having a plan, whether you use it or not, helps us endure the day and get through another one.

Keeping you in my prayers.

AnvilheadII

He brings nothing to our relationship.

how about change it to....he TAKES from our CHILDREN.

mamaof3boyz

Yes he does and you're right

suki44883

If you have access to the bank accounts, draw out the money, close the account, and open a new bank account in your name only at a different bank. You have to protect yourself and your children.

mamaof3boyz

I've taken my name off out joint credit cards and we don't share an account anymore thank goodness

Bekindalways

Sounds like you are already starting the process of getting past the FOG. Can you think of the next teeny, tiny step to take?

Another idea: listen to the fear, obligation and guilt, then do what you need to do regardless. Don't dance to these feelings. (I know MUCH easier said than done.)

carolineno

Mamaof3 I think we may be in close to the same place in our chosen relationships, even though the details are different. My AH slapped me out of the FOG when he was pacing around the room in a rage spiral, over nothing as usual, making a fool of himself, and ended it by saying "sometimes I feel like killing myself." I knew he wasn't serious, just another withdrawal based tantrum, but I had to take it seriously. I just sat there and thought, "am I really going to even risk having my children live with the legacy of discovering a suicide, on top of everything else? Even if it's just a bluff, this is no way to live or raise a child. What if they came home and found him dead? " That was the point I dug my heels in. No way. It's not easy and I am still trying to get in that financial place where I can move, but there is no going back to just living with it all. I hope you can get to that place too. I find writing about it VERY privately helps a lot (have a private blog on here); keeps my bottom line in place and keeps me honest when I start to slip into the FOG.

1dayatatime

I feel your pain, and understand the FOG all too well. I was there many years. It wasn't until I decided to take control of my life and let go of the addict in my life to see where I wanted to be. Leaving him was the hardest thing I believe I ever did even to this day. But I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I started looking at my own defects of character and chose to put my energy into fixing myself instead of my AH. It wasn't easy and wasn't overnight. Have you read the book by Melody Beattie "Codependant No More"? A great read and was step one for me to gain the tools I needed to "Let go and Let God". And the sad thing is we love our addicts and our natural instinct is to help them. We watch them struggle, we see them as in pain and thats the confusing part, because we think we are helping when in reality we are keeping them sicker longer by allowing them to use and abuse us. Does that make sence? Anyway sending prayers and much hugs your way to help you in this journey your going thru.

JOIE12

MO3B - how is he able to take your money if you do not share any accounts or cards ?

mamaof3boyz

When I say he spends my money what I mean is I pay 2/3 of our bills and he the rest. He has 12,000 in credit card debt from his relapse last year. He now wants to take out a line of credit against the house to pay off his debt. But instead of making monthly payments to his credit cards he spends his extra money at the Kava and Kratom bar which is just about 1,000 a month. It angers me so much because he wamts me to co sign for his line of credit bevause he wont get approved due to his employment history. Btw the house is NOT in my name. He needs to start paying 50-50 because all my money goes to my family with not much left over for personal use. So in a sense it's money he is spending

Hechosedrugs

Someone told me once, "You're holding onto vapors"... and "there's nothing left- he made sure of that." It helped.

At some point, you just have to look at yourself and really evaluate where you are, versus where you want to be. I know things seem difficult- especially being a single woman. But I can tell you- I am a single woman now. And I can finally see that the small things my addict did to make my life a little easier are nothing compared to the chaos and hardship he brought into our lives. I finally have peace, and so do my children (at least when they are not on visitation with him- something I hope to adjust soon).

I am so excited for my future- I'm finally doing things I've always wanted to do, and caring for my children in the way I've always known was best (but my ex wouldn't allow).

I know you can get to this place, as well. Just keep the faith.

AnvilheadII

Btw the house is NOT in my name. He needs to start paying 50-50 because all my money goes to my family with not much left over for personal use.

then get OUT.....YOU are paying for a house you do not OWN. there is NO return on that investment. you can just as easily pay for an apartment or your OWN home and provide better for your children. it is no longer about what HE needs to do......he isn't doing it!!! now is the time when YOU need to step up, take charge, take action - do what you wish HE would do. he isn't at all interested in what YOU want.

mamaof3boyz

I don't want to leave my home but I may not have a choice. He said he won't leave.

Hawkeye13

You do kn ow you may be on the line for that credit card debt already since you are still married?

Have you met with a lawyer to see the legal ramifications of what is going on with his spending?

It already may be worse than you realize.

He's taking assets not only from you but your kids.
Time to take action, don't you think?

JOIE12

I like this !

and Hawkeye wrote what I was thinking.
While you are there, grab the paper trail for the debts he has. Or make copies. You would definitely need them to PROVE that they are HIS debts. Also, if the house was purchased while you were married, you may also be on the hook for that too.

You are on your way to that magical and painful moment, when you separate yourself 'emotionally' from him. When you decide to stand and walk away. When you leave him to his choices and know that you need to go forward for yourself and your children. Nothing anyone can say or do will rush that along. It is your awakening. He obviously isn't interested in sobriety. I'm so very sorry. Death of our dreams and love, is never easy. You deserve a bright future. Hugs to you MO3B, Joie

mamaof3boyz

I've recorded every ATM withdrawal, printed every credit card statement. The house was purchased before me however the attorney says I have rights to the appreciation of the home. I don't know if I necessarily want to go that route. I'm trying to avoid legal fees, going to court etc... I want to spare the ugliness for me and the boys. I'd like to stay in the house for a year so the boys can get transitioned without their father living there. Then after a year we would move to a new place. I want my boys full time with the exception of every other weekend and I may need the house to use as leverage to get my boys the majority of time share. If he tries to fight me for the boys custody then I will go after the equity in the house.