Peaches04

As a codie - I am trying to break out of the pattern of trying to fix or cure my AH. But, now that I'm learning all these new and wonderful things about faith, forgiveness, self love, etc. I just want to share things with him. To be honest, I guess my ultimate fantasy dream is that if I do, something would trigger an 'awakening' in him, so to speak. So, I wont deny that is some of my motivation...but, most of my reason is just wanting to share my good news and my new discoveries. If he weren't an alcholic and i was learning this, I wouldn't even hesitate to say "what do you think of this!"..or whatever. But, since he is an alkie..I just wonder if that is taboo? Probably a dumb question, but please - I've done dumber things I guess!

sweeks

Not a dumb question at all. I've being wondering the same things...

StandingStrong

I think it's very normal for you to want to share your self-discovery with your spouse!
But one thing that I've learned from my own personal situation is that no one ever really "gets it" unless they've walked in the same shoes. So if you share with him, don't expect him to be cheering and rooting you on. Plus, he may take it personally - which is not your fault at all, I just wanted to warn ya.
My opinion only ya know - take what you want and leave the rest.

Peaches04

I hear you standingstrong, and that was kind of my question. Can you help guide someone to this self-discovery, or do they just really and truly have to hit their rock bottom to 'get it'. That is so funny you said that, because I swear that has been a constant thing I've been pondering.. is this something I can teach my children. I went to church and knew faith, but never like I understand it now. And I don't know if someone could have explained it to me better, or if it is truly one of those things between you and God that you learn when it is your time. It's an interesting question..

StandingStrong

I think it's a personal venture either way. With what I call "Life lessons" - these are just things that people just can't grasp until they've had some sort of personal involvement, etc. Outsiders that haven't experienced the feelings, the emotions, the turmoil, etc - they can't grasp it. It's out of their realm of thinking, understanding, feeling, etc. They can say "I understand" or "I sympathize with you" - but do they really "Get it"? I don't think so. No one that I have ever met in my entire life "gets it" until they themselves find themselves emotionally & personally touched with an addict in their life.
So, I guess I don't believe you can lead someone to thier own awakening. It may be possible to give them influences in small (very small) doses - big doses would only prolong their recovery, I think - think of a child that is forced to go to church to only grow up and resent going. ya know? But self-discovery and awareness is just that - of the "self".
I could be wrong though - I'm just telling you what I've learned from my own experiences.

Peaches04

I'm leaning your way too. I tossed and turned for 3 hours the other night thinking how I could explain this to my children, to save them the hell of going through this. I kept thinking if I only understood what "be yourself", "Water seeks its own level", "some people don't have that love to give", or what forgiveness really is - if I'd only understood that sooner. I've heard every single one of those...even some of those pertaining to my husband...but, I never 'got' it. Before I was married, my husband and I had one of those on again, off again type relationships (should have been a clue, right Anyway, one of my wisest friends, said "honey, I think you're fighting like hell for a prize - and you're gonna win it, and you may not be so happy with what you get".. The irony!!! If only I'd had HEARD her! Althouh, in all fairness, I don't regret marrying him yet...could be a different story here in a year (hell, a month for that matter

Auriana

Peaches - I'm right there with you working on codie issues. I've had the awakening so to speak and I am absorbing as much information as possible - I can't get enough! One thought struck me as I read your posting re part of your motivation for sharing with your husband was to get him to see the light...please don't think this harsh, but isn't that manipulation and attempting to control his recovery? I hear you on wanting to share something exciting with your AH - I feel the same way. Instead, I share here and share at alanon...admittedly, I'm sad I can't share with my AH, but one day when I get myself all together, may be he will ask... may be. may be not. either way, I will be focusing on me and my needs.... =) Stay encouraged!

Peaches04

HI Auriana, and yes, I recognize that part of it is wanting to help (control) the situation and that's why I said it - to be honest with myself. But, that being said - alot of it is that I am really excited about all the things I'm learning and my spiritual growth. That is the main reason, I was just admitting that I'm sure a part of me longs for him to grasp what it means, and I have to be honest about that. and I will follow your lead and continute to share on here and at a meeting (if I ever make it to another one), and maybe the time will be right and it would be appropriate to introduce some of things...maybe my HP will open that door. But, really - I've done alot of thinking since I made this post, and now I think I believe that it really is between God and my husband. My AH will not see it until it is time. Kind of like me..I didn't see all my dysfunctional behavior until I had hit my lowest point and had nothing to grab onto but faith. I guess that is what letting go is all about... Thanks!

Auriana

I read somewhere on the post that the only thing standing between an alcoholic and his next drink is God. I think that's pretty powerful.

As for not controlling by passive agressive suggestions - I think it finally sunk in for me a few weeks ago when I decided to go to an alanon meeting and I told me AH...I then proceeded to ask him if he wanted me to find an alanon meeting that had an AA meeting nearby (HINT HINT...). He promptly reminded me that this is HIS recovery. It's hard not controlling - esp since, as a codie, I know exactly what will make him better (note the THICK sarcasm - at least I can laugh at myself these days!). And it is very disappointing that we don't have normal, healthy marriages that we can share our victories in personal growth. But keep going! One thing I have learned by reading other posts is that if I don't get me figured out and I decide to leave my AH, I will keep falling for men that allow me to be a codie. I'm tired of being married to a AH, but I am even more tired of being a codie!