maia1234

SR friends, I need some help.

My Dad is very ill. He has been battling Alzheimer's for a couple of years. Last Thanksgiving I took DD 22 and DD 23 down to Florida for a week vacation to spend with my parents. We had a wonderful time. Over the last 6 months his health has deteriorated.

In February things went crazy and I went down to help as he was getting worse, very quickly. It ends up 10 days ago he fell and broke his hip. They did a brain scan and found out he had had a stroke (probably back in February) He had hip surgery and 5 days later was put in rehab. Needless to say he is refusing any rehab, not eating and his body is shutting down. They are offering him pureed food as he isn't really swallowing completely anymore. He is on oxygen and he keeps taking it off because he doesn't really understand what it is for, plus being told that he struggling with congestive heart failure. This is besides the memory issues of one word sentences that he responds too. The poor man can not catch a break. They finally started sedating him today as he is very anxious and fighting back.( this is not my Dad)

So my concern is should I visit him asap. I have DD college graduation a week from Friday. Then she is having surgery 7 days later. She would like to go down and visit him also. I thought I would try and get down to visit in between her graduation and her scheduled surgery. I am not sure he will make it till then. Not sure if I should just go alone to say good bye or wait for my daughter and go with her. If we don't go before surgery, DD can't fly for 30 days.

I keep giving this to God to make the decision for me and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have any regrets about waiting for my daughter. I saw him in a very good state in Feb, why do I want to see him like this. Plus if they are drugging him would he know if I was there, or is it for me to see him.

I am looking for guidance, as you guys are very logical and will give me your perspective on what I should do. Thank you my friends!!

tigerlily1

If it was me I would go. It sounds like you are feeling like you want to see him. I sat with my Mom when she was in palliative and not conscious. I needed to be there with her and I also had said my goodbyes earlier. Any way your daughter can go just over this weekend then head back for her grad? Hugs!! Sending you strength to make the best decision for you.

Bekindalways

Wow Maia. This is a lot to be dealing with. I don't know if I can offer much wisdom.

Your father may very well be between worlds so he is not entirely with his body right now. However, it may be important for you to be with his body before he completely leaves it . . .

. . . did that make any sense at all???

Make the best decision you can for your own peace of mind. Prayers and healing for your family.

redatlanta

I keep giving this to God to make the decision for me and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have any regrets about waiting for my daughter. I saw him in a very good state in Feb, why do I want to see him like this. Plus if they are drugging him would he know if I was there, or is it for me to see him.

I am looking for guidance, as you guys are very logical and will give me your perspective on what I should do. Thank you my friends!!

From my personal experience.... my father had a massive stroke in 2013. When they put him in rehab he was very, very out of it and being medicated with psychotropic drugs. He knew who we were but was out of his mind and being given such heavy duty drugs.

I wouldn't change a thing about being there. He is MY dad, the only one I will ever have. I understand your daughter wants to be with you, but she can't go now, and he needs you. You need to be with him even though he is not in a good state. Additionally, someone needs to look at what they are medicating him with. Sorry, its all too common to be overmedicated in this situation, and its not to the benefit of the patient..... someone must advocate for him, he cannot for himself.

I am so sorry. Its devastating and exhausting, but its also touching and loving and he will know you are there.

amy55

I would just say that you should go asap. It's for both you and for him.

Thinking of you,
amy

honeypig

maia, I think if it were me, I'd go alone and say goodbye. I lost a younger sister to breast cancer and by the end, I don't know if she knew any of us was there or not. However, I knew I was there, I knew it was all I could do, and I knew I had done it.

After she died, I felt I had fallen short in a lot of ways and had a lot of regrets. At least this was one area where I felt I did what I could.

Kboys

Hugs to you (((( maia)))))
What a hard thing to be going through...
I echo what everyone else is saying... If you feel like you should go now, then you should go now, or as soon as you can.
I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Have a peaceful sleep tonight

LexieCat

I don't have any "advice" for you, just sending you a hug.

Fabela

So sorry to hear about your father. I agree with the others, you should go now. Sending good thoughts your way.

Mountainmanbob

I got to spend some time and say goodbye to my dad as he recently passed.
Last few days he could not communicate.
Spending a little time with them I have noticed
leaves us with no guilt feelings.

Right before he passed I was suppose to be out of town .
Glad I didn't go, I would have lost those last moments with him.

Take care,
Bob

maia1234

Thank you my friends. I appreciate each and every comment. I am trying to get a flight out this weekend. I wasn't sure I wanted to see him in the condition he was in, but again I don't want any regrets. He was a great father and I need to tell him that.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and it will help me in this next journey I am to tackle.

Mountainmanbob

It seems that you have made a most excellent decision.

Means a lot to tell them we love them before they die.
Even if we are not sure if they can hear us.

Bob

honeypig

I think it's all about your intentions, maia. Whether you think he hears you or not, whether you think he knows you are there or not, you know. You know the thoughts, the emotions, the memories you are expressing and releasing, the energy you're putting forth into the world around this. I think in time to come you'll find it important, what you did or didn't do.

There is so much I wish I had done different around my sister's death, but I was still so caught up in my FOO's dysfunction as well as the dysfunction I'd cooked up on my own over the years that I simply wasn't able to be the person I wish I'd been then. I'd do a lot of things differently if I had it to do over. I've felt a lot of guilt and regret in the past; only recently have I begun to forgive myself, realizing I couldn't have done any better b/c I didn't know any better way to be back then. And my sis was the kind of person who certainly understood this. (Link here if you'd like to read a post I made in honor of her: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...isters-bd.html )

I'm sorry you're going thru this hard time, but I am glad for you that you'll be able to come to his passing w/an open heart and a loving soul b/c of where you are in your own recovery journey.

I wish you strength, tenderness, and healing, in the end.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. Sending many tight hugs to you and your family!

maia1234

Thanks Bob and hp,
I appreciate your comments. I was so up in the air about going, now I know I want to do this.

I am in such a better place now, then I would have been a year ago. I did not share with my parents the stuff that happened with axh. They loved him and still do. I felt they were older and didn't need to worry about me. In this journey I ask guidance from God. (I use to blame him for allowing all this to happen to me and not being there for me). Now I understand, and I thank him for having my back.

I will be ok and not sure who said this the other day.. everything is temporary. Hugs to you all for your support.

It sure is a nice feeling to pray to him and know he will take care of all of us.

maia1234

Dear My Sr friends,
I flew down to Florida early Sunday morning to see my dad. He was struggling and was worse than I had expected. We came back on Monday and he died 3 hours after we had arrived.

Thank you for recommending me to head down there. It was horrible watching him die, but I was able to say my good byes. He was a lovely man and I am so grateful he lived to 80.

Please don't wait for special occasions to give hugs, they are free and everyone could use another one . Thank you !!

SmallButMighty

*HUGS*

I lost my Dad in December. I know how this feels. I am so sorry Maia.

I'm glad you got there in time.

honeypig

I'm glad you feel you made the right decision by going to see your dad, maia. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you and the rest of your family find healing and peace.

firebolt

Aww, Maia, I'm so sorry. I lost my dad the end of January, it's the WORST!

I'm so glad you got to see him. Peace to you and your family.

Wisconsin

Wishing you comfort in your happy memories, Maia.