Sober - now feeling guilty about a lot
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 12
Sober - now feeling guilty about a lot
So, I've made the step..today will be my 8th day sober (again). Physically, I feel a lot better..I remember dreams now...I can smell better too.
But now I'm remembering terrible things I did drunk, that I had forgotten until now. Things that happened 2, 3, 10 years ago. Terrible things i.e. getting black out drunk and calling out people on Facebook and tagging them. Everyone I know could see it, and I forgot until someone told me about it the next morning and I got online to delete it (I no longer have FB). I did apologize to the person, and admitted my out of control drinking to them - and I would never do that sober. That's probably one of the worst things I did drunk, and I just now remembered it today - and it was over a year ago. But this was public - almost everyone I know/knew saw it. I never really took that into account until today.
I never was sober enough to feel guilty about anything or realize how big my drunken actions actually were - I could always brush it off and have another drink. So yeah, is this normal? Is it normal to start having sober flashbacks of drunken actions you completely blacked out before? Does that make sense? It's like now I'm seeing how I acted the same way other sober people saw me..and I'm extremely embarrassed. As in, haven't come out of my apartment in a week embarrassed. I hope I'm not alone.
Will the guilt eventually fade?
But now I'm remembering terrible things I did drunk, that I had forgotten until now. Things that happened 2, 3, 10 years ago. Terrible things i.e. getting black out drunk and calling out people on Facebook and tagging them. Everyone I know could see it, and I forgot until someone told me about it the next morning and I got online to delete it (I no longer have FB). I did apologize to the person, and admitted my out of control drinking to them - and I would never do that sober. That's probably one of the worst things I did drunk, and I just now remembered it today - and it was over a year ago. But this was public - almost everyone I know/knew saw it. I never really took that into account until today.
I never was sober enough to feel guilty about anything or realize how big my drunken actions actually were - I could always brush it off and have another drink. So yeah, is this normal? Is it normal to start having sober flashbacks of drunken actions you completely blacked out before? Does that make sense? It's like now I'm seeing how I acted the same way other sober people saw me..and I'm extremely embarrassed. As in, haven't come out of my apartment in a week embarrassed. I hope I'm not alone.
Will the guilt eventually fade?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Yes , it is normal from what I can gather; it was normal for me...it can be tough as well.
Don't let those Intense feelings of early sobriety be a deal breaker; in time, those feelings regulate and pass.
There is no way around it, we can only work through it and it does take a little time.
Don't let those Intense feelings of early sobriety be a deal breaker; in time, those feelings regulate and pass.
There is no way around it, we can only work through it and it does take a little time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Time will help but it's not easy. It's probably not even supposed to be easy. I maybe know how you feel- I too spent 20 years too drunk to really appreciate all the crappy things I did. True story- I got divorced decades ago but somehow convinced myself that it was all her fault. Only a few years ago when I got sober did I truly understand the nightmare I must have been for my ex-wife.
I'm not sure how to make amends for everything I've done. My plan is to live the rest of my life with as much dignity and grace as I can. What else can I do? I expect that's as much as any of us can do.
Use the guilt for fuel, WalkingOnAir! Resolve right now that you won't add new alcohol related shame to the pile!
I'm not sure how to make amends for everything I've done. My plan is to live the rest of my life with as much dignity and grace as I can. What else can I do? I expect that's as much as any of us can do.
Use the guilt for fuel, WalkingOnAir! Resolve right now that you won't add new alcohol related shame to the pile!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 28
I once read, that guilt is a pointless emotion. Like hitting yourself over the head with a big stick, very painful and totally pointless.
Remorse on the other hand, can spurr us on to never repeat those actions.
In AVRT, "the beast" or Addictive Voice, is ANYTHING in us that supports the idea of going back to drinking.
People use guilt (whether they know it or not) a lot of the time to "drive" them back to drink, just be aware guilt is pure AV.
Remorse on the other hand, is being sorry for what you have done, learning from it and not letting it happen again.
The memory of the "drunk" you will eventually fade in peoples minds, and in time they will not even be able to imagine you ever acting that way. If you don't drink.
Remorse on the other hand, can spurr us on to never repeat those actions.
In AVRT, "the beast" or Addictive Voice, is ANYTHING in us that supports the idea of going back to drinking.
People use guilt (whether they know it or not) a lot of the time to "drive" them back to drink, just be aware guilt is pure AV.
Remorse on the other hand, is being sorry for what you have done, learning from it and not letting it happen again.
The memory of the "drunk" you will eventually fade in peoples minds, and in time they will not even be able to imagine you ever acting that way. If you don't drink.
Brother of the Wolf
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
This time around in sobriety, and maybe it is because I really hit my absolute rock bottom, my embarrassment is greatly overshadowed by my gratitude for sobriety, life, and my support system. There are some things that I did that I regret. But if I dwell on them, I run the risk of spiraling out into shame and depression. It is more important for me to be vigilant to keep that from happening, and deal with the wreckage from my past when I am better equipped emotionally to handle it safely. My sobriety, including how I interact with my past, needs to be approached from a place of self-care, and not a place of self-punishment.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I also struggle with guilt over my drunken antics. Events 10 years ago still pop up into my memory sometimes. I cringe when I think about some of the stupid stuff I did while drunk. It gets easier though with time. No one 's perfect right?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
For me it was, the first thing I was taught to do and it took quite a few sessions was forgive myself, in some cases ask others for forgiveness and learn to not beat myself up because I have in the past and it generally led to a relapse. Being mindful and playing the tape through has made a world of difference for me.
Andrew
Andrew
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 28
The difference in guilt and remorse is that guilt is totally INTROSPECTIVE ..ie I'm a terrible horrible person, look what I did, look at the carnage I caused, I feel awful..look at how awful I feel, guilt is selfish, focusing on how terrible YOU feel.
Remorse on the other hand, is..I behaved horribly, nastily. I regret doing that. I'll try to put right what I can and accept responsiblity.
And I won't do that again.
Remorse on the other hand, is..I behaved horribly, nastily. I regret doing that. I'll try to put right what I can and accept responsiblity.
And I won't do that again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Walkingonair, this is a very important part of recovery. And, it's very hard. We have to look back at all the stuff we buried and own it, really accept what happened. Then we must begin to forgive ourselves, because if we don't, we are vulnerable to being sucked back into the cycle of drinking. I found that journaling helped me to get through those days.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 193
I completely understand.....I'm going through it too. All I know is that I've been doing humiliating and regrettable things from drinking for years now....and everytime I think oh this has to be the worst...but I always seem to top it....BUT I always eventually forgive myself. I too cringe thinking back on things I did even years ago...but I think the longer we're sober and have so much time to be PROUD of...the more the bad memories will fade.
Don't waste time with guilt...I took today off and am getting my head straight. Working on hydrating and forgiving myself.....you stay on the path and just ride out the emotions...you'll get through it!
Don't waste time with guilt...I took today off and am getting my head straight. Working on hydrating and forgiving myself.....you stay on the path and just ride out the emotions...you'll get through it!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yes, it's normal for things to come back to our consciousness as we stay sober. the buried stuff comes up.
not comfortable whatsoever.
it's okay, no matter what. there are different ways we can learn to deal with that stuff about/in our past.
staying sober through it coming up, talking with others, giving ourselves time and not madly rushing, trying to "fix things", is a good beginning. in a while, we can discern better how others handled these things and how that worked out and find our way forward.
not comfortable whatsoever.
it's okay, no matter what. there are different ways we can learn to deal with that stuff about/in our past.
staying sober through it coming up, talking with others, giving ourselves time and not madly rushing, trying to "fix things", is a good beginning. in a while, we can discern better how others handled these things and how that worked out and find our way forward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Yes it is normal, but do not let it hinder your life and sobriety.
NOTHING can change the past. The longer you are in recovery the more you will be able to work on letting go and moving forward. You need to keep moving forward, bettering yourself, and doing anything and everything that is needed for your recovery.
What plan of recovery are you going to follow? Do you have a therapist? Do you have a sober network of family and friends to lean on? Keeping a journal can be a huge help in remembering these feelings and making sure you never become like that again. I wouldn't reach out to anyone at this point, at 8 days sober you are not ready for that and those you have hurt are not going to be impressed with 8 days sober either. (not trying to sound mean, but to us 8 days can be a life time..to the rest of the world, it is just that 8 days).
Keep working on your recovery and if you find yourself so taken aback by your drunken actions that you do not want to leave the house then know you can not go back there ever again and use that as a reason to stay sober. If you really can't forgive yourself please seek out a counselor, you can't stay inside forever and expect to create a true recovery.
NOTHING can change the past. The longer you are in recovery the more you will be able to work on letting go and moving forward. You need to keep moving forward, bettering yourself, and doing anything and everything that is needed for your recovery.
What plan of recovery are you going to follow? Do you have a therapist? Do you have a sober network of family and friends to lean on? Keeping a journal can be a huge help in remembering these feelings and making sure you never become like that again. I wouldn't reach out to anyone at this point, at 8 days sober you are not ready for that and those you have hurt are not going to be impressed with 8 days sober either. (not trying to sound mean, but to us 8 days can be a life time..to the rest of the world, it is just that 8 days).
Keep working on your recovery and if you find yourself so taken aback by your drunken actions that you do not want to leave the house then know you can not go back there ever again and use that as a reason to stay sober. If you really can't forgive yourself please seek out a counselor, you can't stay inside forever and expect to create a true recovery.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
I kept a lot of my posts and thoughts in a file I titled "My Sobriety One Liners."
I write them along my path in sobriety which next September will be 6 years of sobriety. These might help as I joined SR three weeks after I took my last drink scared, alone, and afraid I would fail. First read a lot here. Remember we aren't normies that don't understand. So we empathize but don't feel sorry for you. That would be looking down on you, and you are as good as any of us, and living better than the drunks who haven't learned that yet already! So here are a few of the wonderful things I learned from my first and last time I will ever quit drinking alcohol. Dang! Once was enough! But from my years of alcoholism I learned humility, and how important being kind to myself first was. I took care from myself.
Itchy's thoughts for the day:
Respect is not a given, we have to earn it from others right? It is exactly the same for self-respect. You've started the first step to getting it back. Your bad feelings are just letting you know what amends you need to make to satisfy your own humanity. Going overboard about it is counterproductive. Getting on with it is the only rational choice. We want to quit because alcohol only destroyed our life and self-respect. Then some relapse and think drinking again will help, only to find that alcohol provides us an avenue to run away from all of our problems . . . except the results of using alcohol. <sigh>
I won't blow smoke where the sun don't shine, no pretense that life is always easy or some such nonsense. Life still can suck. It just sucks less sober. What I do with the difference is the rub, use it or lose it, but fear is done.
In early sobriety you feel the good things even more so, not being dulled chemically, and the stress feels more raw too. That may be why so many relapse, I don't know I am no expert having only done this once.
Like all of us, I started in despair of having the willpower, and in desperation reached out like you are doing now too. If you are desperate enough, and have had enough, you will say ENOUGH!
And whatever it takes, you will find you already had enough of it.
It was the start of my second chance to live my life differently. No one could give it to me, I could only take it for myself. That was only the first step. Now I have to actually live that life I knew was possible. That takes as much effort as the first step took. But gives even more rewards at the end of a well spent day.
I had only one chance in me, I took it, and will never go through the drinking part or the stopping part ever again. I still use alcohol but only isopropyl for cuts and scrapes.
Life doesn't get any easier with time, sobriety does.
I did everything I could to make it. And I am quite frankly surprised at how much of a non-event it is for everybody other than me.
I am recovered now from alcohol, but continue recovering, the rest of my life.
I am wearing the T-shirt of my sobriety and it has the stains of years of tears on it. But it also has the stains of a lot of icing from the cake on it too. Some people cry over the stains they can't get out. I am still learning to smile at how they were made.
It doesn't get better. We get better.
I write them along my path in sobriety which next September will be 6 years of sobriety. These might help as I joined SR three weeks after I took my last drink scared, alone, and afraid I would fail. First read a lot here. Remember we aren't normies that don't understand. So we empathize but don't feel sorry for you. That would be looking down on you, and you are as good as any of us, and living better than the drunks who haven't learned that yet already! So here are a few of the wonderful things I learned from my first and last time I will ever quit drinking alcohol. Dang! Once was enough! But from my years of alcoholism I learned humility, and how important being kind to myself first was. I took care from myself.
Itchy's thoughts for the day:
Respect is not a given, we have to earn it from others right? It is exactly the same for self-respect. You've started the first step to getting it back. Your bad feelings are just letting you know what amends you need to make to satisfy your own humanity. Going overboard about it is counterproductive. Getting on with it is the only rational choice. We want to quit because alcohol only destroyed our life and self-respect. Then some relapse and think drinking again will help, only to find that alcohol provides us an avenue to run away from all of our problems . . . except the results of using alcohol. <sigh>
I won't blow smoke where the sun don't shine, no pretense that life is always easy or some such nonsense. Life still can suck. It just sucks less sober. What I do with the difference is the rub, use it or lose it, but fear is done.
In early sobriety you feel the good things even more so, not being dulled chemically, and the stress feels more raw too. That may be why so many relapse, I don't know I am no expert having only done this once.
Like all of us, I started in despair of having the willpower, and in desperation reached out like you are doing now too. If you are desperate enough, and have had enough, you will say ENOUGH!
And whatever it takes, you will find you already had enough of it.
It was the start of my second chance to live my life differently. No one could give it to me, I could only take it for myself. That was only the first step. Now I have to actually live that life I knew was possible. That takes as much effort as the first step took. But gives even more rewards at the end of a well spent day.
I had only one chance in me, I took it, and will never go through the drinking part or the stopping part ever again. I still use alcohol but only isopropyl for cuts and scrapes.
Life doesn't get any easier with time, sobriety does.
I did everything I could to make it. And I am quite frankly surprised at how much of a non-event it is for everybody other than me.
I am recovered now from alcohol, but continue recovering, the rest of my life.
I am wearing the T-shirt of my sobriety and it has the stains of years of tears on it. But it also has the stains of a lot of icing from the cake on it too. Some people cry over the stains they can't get out. I am still learning to smile at how they were made.
It doesn't get better. We get better.
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