Acheleus

I have been taking long walks/jogs recently and I am beginning to feel proud of myself again because I quit smoking. Instead of smoking and ruminating I walk and listen to music. At ten months sober I still have a lot of fear about being trapped. I sold myself short in early sobriety because I jumped into a relationship I had no business being in and I also just chaotically entered an academic program without planning anything at all. I relapsed and my gf drank and everything became a disaster. Yesterday I cut her out of my life and I feel very alone. I am glad to be ten months sober and 30 days without smoking but I feel trapped, stupid, and ashamed of myself. I am mad because when I was in early sobriety I did not think I deserved things that made me happy. Now I am beginning to see that I deserve to live in a place I enjoy. I HaTE where I live right now. It is the worst place I have ever lived. I guess I was wondering if anyone had any advice about dealing with the fallout from making terrible decisions in early recovery. My life feels empty because I do not know what to do. I am changing every day and I hope that as I get further away from my crazy relationship I will feel better. I dated someone in AA. So I just want to feel like I can improve things. Right now I feel stuck and hopeless but I do feel good after exercising. How could I be so dumb to just jump into really serious things without thinking twice? I am very angry at myself for not getting healthy and taking the time to plan out a set of decisions. I am just unhappy where I am and I know I made the wrong choices. Thank you if anyone has any advice.

Dee74

I think the day after cutting that certain someone out of your life, it's natural to feel a little low, or a little angry, sad, fearful etc...

I think you did the right thing tho Ach, and I hope you stick to it

D

Notimetoloose

Feeling very alone after a toxic relationship of any kind is very normal; this kind of relationships can absorb all our thinking and time is our friend to recovery.

Immerse yourself in everything that is kind, gentle and respectful to Acheleus.

Try not to recycle all the negativity of the relationship, acknowledge your pain and move forward.
Talking can really help to debrief the injustice and investment of a toxic relationship.

Congratulations on 10 months and quitting smoking, that is wonderful.

gleefan

Ach - We all make mistakes, and sometimes doing it wrong can show me what's right. It sounds like you are learning what's right for you - and that's a gift. (Gratitude really helps me when I'm feeling down.)

Being sober is a great first step. Keep up the good work!

Acheleus

Learning from our mistakes is better than repeating them. I want to feel free again and I hope I can learn more about myself by being alone and sober. Being in a relationship can distract us from doing the work that is necessary to improve ourselves.

Soberwolf

I like what D said

teatreeoil007

Cutting that person out of your life is one of the best things you could do for yourself.

It's important that you keep this no contact and NOT revert back to contact. No new contact means no new hurts and keeps the door closed. You have GOT to not allow any open door; not even a crack. I truly hope you stick to that...it's is for your own well being and safety.

In time there will be healing and you will change and grow to feel you truly deserves what is truly GOOD for you. Fortify your boundaries and keep your armour on.

We've all made mistakes. We can keep beating ourselves up for it or learn from them and become a better person in the long run because of them.

I'm thinking that YOU have learned you tend to be impulsive and jump into things without thinking them through and playing the tape forward. That may be just a character trait you've had all you life, I don't know. But, if you have gotten into an unbearable situation, there likely is a way out. HATING where you live sounds like torment to me....You are young, you're single, you're unattached, you can go anywhere you want and do whatever you set your mind to. Keep on....

Acheleus

No I never planned things because I was drunk and could not see through to the consequences. Being sober means I can think and plan but it has been difficult to deal with the past. Going to a meeting.