Gonzoso

So I'm a 30 year old alcoholic with 7 months sobriety in AA. I kind of have my stuff together and am doing okay with work, am buying a house etc. I have a BS in Env. Science and am very outdoorsy.

So a few months in this old guy at the meetings asked me to be his sponsee. Being new I was agreeable and agreed to it.

He then had me coming over to his house once a week for an hour or two or three sometimes. It is a 45 minute drive there so to drive there for an hour is almost a 3 hour commitment.

Here's my issue with him:
1. He belongs to a group which formed a 12 Step commune or whatever where they had property and basically ran a 12 steps as a way of religion or whatever for a long time until they went broke. I think the still have a church and he does mass there.
2. He's 74 and has dedicated his entire life to sobriety. He has as much as told me he only ever made enough to get by so he could dedicate his life to sobriety and has little or no retirement or a house or anything. This isn't really what I want.
3. He has told me on numerous occasions he feels premarital sex is wrong and marital sex should only be for procreation. Seriously not happening with me dude. I've been with the same girl for over a year but we are not becoming "inactive".
4. He is on a completely different page than me. He has no idea about anything scientific at all and is into all sorts of weird spiritual healing things. While speaking at a meeting has claimed to have spiritually and herbally cured cancer, herpes, etc.
5. He has disclosed other members whom he sponsors personal information to me, so I assume he discloses mine to them.
6. I don't really want what he has. He seems like a crazy old man who has dedicated his entire life to AA and is kind of culty. While I accept I'm an alcoholic I don't want that. I want a succesful working life and a healthy happy loving sexually active relationship with my partner.
7. He has expressed condemnation for homosexuals etc and we disagree fundamentally on many things.
8. He compromised my anonymity to his landlord when she brought him something over, he introduced me as "this is Gonzo, he's an AA". While I'm sure she knows him I think I have the right to choose who I disclose to.
9. He treats any behavior like an addiction. Like if you're too fat you need Overeaters anonymous or if you like sex you're sex addicted etc.

There are some other issues, but I think it was good to write it all out. We just don't mesh and he makes me uncomfortable. I went along with it for a while and took it as practicing tolerance but now I really don't want to be committing 3 hours a week to go talk to this guy.

I'm not sure what to do or how to go about going our separate ways? I mean I'm not going to a meeting right now because I know he'll be there and that's bad for my recovery, but he has called me out loudly in meetings which I also don't like. I kind of decided today after a lot of thought that I should "break up" with him but don't know how to do it. I'd like to handle this head on but delicately as he is a nice old guy, just a little loony. Some of his advice for work issues would have seriously compromised my position at work and I can't take him seriously, I don't see the point of having a sponsor I can't take seriously.

tomsteve

"i thank you for helping me but its time for me to find another sponsor."

i would suggest the conversation be done privately.
sorry ya had the experience, but also glad to read ya continueing the journey in aa.

OldTomato

Agreed, keep it simple. If he's been around a long time then he should be used to sponsees moving on. Don't let this experience ruin AA for you.

miamifella

He called you out loudly in a meeting?

I am not sure what you mean, but one of the groundrules of meetings is that you do not take inventory, cross talk (meaning criticize or respond to another members) during the meeting.

Maybe you might want to check out other groups.

Andante

If he's actually practicing the principles of the AA program, you shouldn't have to worry about his emotional reaction to your "breaking up" with him.

Just be direct, courteous, and kind as TomSteve suggested.

MIRecovery

Sounds like a wacko to me. Thank him for his time and help but move on. I have heard more weird sponsor stories here on SR. I've had a few sponsors and they each have there quirks but nothing like you described

biminiblue

That's because people are more free to talk about it here.

Lots of people leave AA after experiences that are troubling. I have stories to tell...but you would never hear me tell them in an AA meeting or setting - I would be ostracized and ridiculed.

There are a lot of unwell people in the world, and AA sponsorship lends itself very well to those with control issues attempting to take over vulnerable newcomers. I would say it's common. My first experience with the sponsor/sponsee relationship started the same way (by her offering herself as my sponsor in my first week) and ended quickly once I figured out that she wanted minions.

IvanMike

Get a new sponsor. Find the guy who has what you want. Don't let this experience turn you off to 12 step recovery.

About point #9 - he's not wrong (IMO). Not that you need to go to a separate fellowship for each behavior, but IME, the disease of addiction manifests itself in many ways. We like a feel-good, and when we quit one another pops up. When a behavior makes your life unmanageable, that's a dead giveaway. Right now I've got this ice cream thing going.... Time to do some step 1 on that (for me).

MIRecovery

I believe party through knowledge and partly through luck I have found 4 solid meetings that have a lot of sobriety and a lot of people I would recommend as a sponsor in a heart beat. The meetings have very high values and weird AA BS is not tolerated. Because of this I maybe a little naive.

My first sponsor had a bit of minion building. I always felt if I wasn't one of his groupies than I was a second class citizen.

As with the world in general there are good people and bad. In all cases if something doesn't feel right about a sponsor find another

ALinNS

Sounds like he is out there, I would thank him and tell him you are moving on, never look back. I have never herd of anything like this.

Andrew

awuh1

I'm not sure I agree with that Bimini, not unless you have a very atypical AA community in your area.

Sometimes there is a subset of individuals attending meetings who do things which are clearly contrary to AA's 12 traditions. There have been times when I have run into similar situations. I make it a point to be vocal about what does not seem right. When I do I find that this generally serves to initiate positive changes, and occasionally I even discover that I have misinterpreted something and that things are not as I had first imagined.

My experience is that deviations from the AA traditions are almost always frowned upon when they comes to light. They should come to light so that they can be corrected. NOT voicing concerns does not serve a greater good. In fact I believe that inaction supports the status quo.

miamifella

I have had the opposite experience. I lost sponsors and eventually left the program because it became too uncomfortable to be in any of the groups I was part of.

Thank goodness for the internet.

Soberwolf

This

Gonzoso

I'm kind of leaning towards this. I don't know how much AA is helping me at this point. Most of the AA's around me are old retired people who seem to use it largely as a social club.

The group I am a member of has monthly 1-2 hour business meetings that often get controversial and people will argue about things like what prayers should be said at the conclusion of the meeting and things like that, I stopped attending business meetings after the first two I went to.

The other group I've been going to has a number of remnants of a 12 Step as a religion community that went broke a few years ago. I was in a Step Meeting and after a few weeks of going to it realized that most of the members weren't alcoholic at all, several didn't even have addictions, one was a sex addict etc and I had been baring my soul to people who don't even know what it's like to be a drunk. I did not go back.

graced333

When I am around a larger town then where I live, I attend noon time meetings. Really like the open discussion ones. Very non-judgmental, in my opinion.

Gonzoso

I took a coffee commitment from Oct.-December 31. The whole time I showed up 30 minutes before the meeting to make coffee. Every day these old retired guys showed up 1 hour before and made coffee. Then they would make some passive aggressive comments like thanking me for making coffee when I didn't. I explained I couldn't get there after work that soon and 30 minutes prior is plenty of time.

Somebody was stealing the milk and creamer from the church and then the treasurer has brought up to me on 4 occasions how stealing is wrong and against the steps etc etc in a weird way. I'm getting the feeling he's implying they think it's me?

I have a great job and make good money, I'm not stealing creamer lol.

I just feel like I'm getting kind of messed with because I'm a younger guy, drive a motorcycle, etc. in this AARP AA group. Some people have been great but there are some creepy weirdos in there too.

Gottalife

Baring one's sole in a meeting is not a great idea in any circumstances. "Our stories disclose in a general way..." When I was new I saw one other new chap take his own life because he said too much in a meeting and couldn't live with it.

The remark about minions fits my experience and observation too. Strangely I hear it most often from new women who get freaked out by the women's groups (in my area). Those members often talk about "sharing in greater depth" " or being called on their BS" as being advantages, but I observe most of the women are not allowed to sponsor, wouldn't even change their socks without talking to their sponsor first. There are one or two "super sponsors" who seem to be able to take full advantage of the 5th step type information they pick up on their flock, to control and manipulate them. And no men under any circumstances.

The men started a group in retaliation I guess, but it was pretty lame. No super sponsors, just a lot of bad language and a certain amount of mysogony. I don't support single sex meetings. Mainstream AA is good enough for me.

Meraviglioso

Gonzoso,

I am really sorry about the problems you are having. I googled your town and it looks like it is a bit of a small town, this could be adding to your issue. It looks like the nearest major town is about a 50 minute drive away, so it also wouldn't be easy for you to get to other meeting outside your area regularly. However, could you too to make it to meetings in a larger city on the weekends or certain nights of the week. It might help you to connect more with people your age- not just for your recovery but also for friendships, etc.

JoeCree

Gonzoso. I cant relate to your AA experience, as I am an SR member only, but from what you describe and how you articulate your thoughts I can relate to you.

I think your best play is to be very cordial and thank your sponsir for his help, be brief dont engage in an indepth reason why. From there, by cutting the chord you can free yourself to decide and actively search for a new group to attend.
Your sobriety should be your first goal of importance, but I do agree that you have a whole life infront of you and cant become a hermit in some cult like group. If this is how thst group treats you, I fear it will have a negative impact on your sobriety, it would to me.

Gonzoso

Thanks, it is a small town. An odd thing about that is that nearly all the members of AA near me are transplanted NYC people. A lot of NYC people come and retire here in the rural mountains.

So I go to meetings and about 90% of the other people are city people and talk about the old days in blah blah town or whatever. In this rural area there is a social distinction between local folks(I'm local) and city folk(they call them cidiots). I've always been in kind of a weird spot because while I was born and raised locally I pursued a science degree, have all my teeth and am open minded about things.

On a personal level I embrace many things such as hunting, fishing, motorcycling, the outdoors that the locals enjoy but do not embrace ignorance and bigotry which can be prevalent. I have very few life experiences in common with people from NYC really so it can be hard to relate to them in many cases.

I also have some issues with the self fulfilling prophecy AA preaches about, and I'm not much into organized religion. I believe in God and Jesus and have a higher power but feel like devoting 1-2 hours a day praying to my higher power is an insane waste of time. Why would a loving all powerful deity wish for a man to spend so much time worshiping them? This seems very vain and un-godlike to me.

To me praying regularly(but sanely) and doing gods will as I am out and about in the world seems more reasonable. I am 30, have a girlfriend and a dog and love to live life. I've spent nearly all my free time in meetings for the past six months and it's helped a lot with my self assessment. I do feel sobriety is a journey but perhaps it should absorb the entirety of my life?

Enough of all that, my gf and are going to walk my dog and go fishing.

It is hard to talk about this stuff as I enjoy my anonymity in real life and finding people who can relate outside of the rooms is difficult. I am thinking of seeking alternatives to AA for my ongoing treatment for addiction.