Still trying to let go!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Still trying to let go!
Hi all, it's little 'ole me....Miss Codependent! I have tried to kick the A to the curb, he comes back. I try to leave, I go back. It's a scary ride and I really want the ride to stop. I would love it to stop because he fully realizes the problems and then goes off to get help....you know in Happily Ever After Land? Well, this is reality and it doesn't seem like that will ever happen.
He was off staying at his "Friend's" (the OW's) for about a week & a half. I cut off contact. Talked to him only on work related issues (since we work in together, but in separate areas of the company). He didn't like it. I knew he wouldn't. He wants to be able to go out and be at his "friend's" all the while knowing that I am sitting at home waiting for him to come in & tell me some more lies. Didn't happen that way this time. I was doing my own thing, getting the house fixed up, little things to keep me busy and get MY life back together somehow. He would come in during the day while I was at work and would do little things too. He put up a few pictures, bought a new sofa table. I asked him why, he says because he wants to come home & I deserve it. This goes on for 3 days & he does come back home. But he's miserable. He is depressed. He has been depressed for some time. His depression & drinking make him virtually non-human at times. There is nothing I can do for this man. I know it. I am trying to get him to realize on a daily basis that his life is worth living, even though he tells me daily that it is not. I want to hate him for the drinking, but the depressed sole that he is makes it so hard not to. I love this man. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. I obviously am not what he wants or he wouldn't be as miserable as he is. So I'm trying to get up the courage to leave. To leave my home so that he can find his happiness. When he's drunk I could care less most times if he had a box to live in, but the depressed man.....I hurt every time I hear him speak. So I have to be strong for both of us. I have to leave him in order for him to try to find his happiness. I mean aren't I right? I have to be part of his problem, right? If he was truly in love with me, wouldn't that love help his depression? Wouldn't I be able to help him somehow?
Anyways, thanks for reading I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. I do love him. But I can't love someone who doesn't love himself. He really does break my heart everyday, because I know how much he is hurting inside!
He was off staying at his "Friend's" (the OW's) for about a week & a half. I cut off contact. Talked to him only on work related issues (since we work in together, but in separate areas of the company). He didn't like it. I knew he wouldn't. He wants to be able to go out and be at his "friend's" all the while knowing that I am sitting at home waiting for him to come in & tell me some more lies. Didn't happen that way this time. I was doing my own thing, getting the house fixed up, little things to keep me busy and get MY life back together somehow. He would come in during the day while I was at work and would do little things too. He put up a few pictures, bought a new sofa table. I asked him why, he says because he wants to come home & I deserve it. This goes on for 3 days & he does come back home. But he's miserable. He is depressed. He has been depressed for some time. His depression & drinking make him virtually non-human at times. There is nothing I can do for this man. I know it. I am trying to get him to realize on a daily basis that his life is worth living, even though he tells me daily that it is not. I want to hate him for the drinking, but the depressed sole that he is makes it so hard not to. I love this man. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. I obviously am not what he wants or he wouldn't be as miserable as he is. So I'm trying to get up the courage to leave. To leave my home so that he can find his happiness. When he's drunk I could care less most times if he had a box to live in, but the depressed man.....I hurt every time I hear him speak. So I have to be strong for both of us. I have to leave him in order for him to try to find his happiness. I mean aren't I right? I have to be part of his problem, right? If he was truly in love with me, wouldn't that love help his depression? Wouldn't I be able to help him somehow?
Anyways, thanks for reading I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. I do love him. But I can't love someone who doesn't love himself. He really does break my heart everyday, because I know how much he is hurting inside!
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
(((leem03)))....I read your story and this is exactly how I imagined my life if I try to leave my AH and stay in town. I am leaving him and we are divorcing and I am moving out of state. I decided to do it this way because of the hold he has on my heart and my soul. I know that if we separated and I stayed in town....we would be doing this yoyo dance...he would do his thing with his "friends" I would try and do my things...he would not like it...he would call me when his depression gets the best of him...reel me back in...and over and over again. NO I did not experience it....I did in our home in an sence. So my choice is to leave and move back to friends and family. I wanted to be a separation so that we could each work on our issues and then explore the chance of getting back together...but he does not feel he has a problem to work on.
I too feel that I have to leave him so that he can find his happiness....I don't know if leaving him will really help that because his real problem and reason for his depression that can not be fixed until he gets help is the alcoholism. Until he works on that "he" will remain the same and/or get worse.....My staying in my current state...will just cause more harm that good.
Good luck to you in your decisions. I know they are so very tough.....but look to your insides and your HP and he will guide you to what you need to do..for you!!!
I too feel that I have to leave him so that he can find his happiness....I don't know if leaving him will really help that because his real problem and reason for his depression that can not be fixed until he gets help is the alcoholism. Until he works on that "he" will remain the same and/or get worse.....My staying in my current state...will just cause more harm that good.
Good luck to you in your decisions. I know they are so very tough.....but look to your insides and your HP and he will guide you to what you need to do..for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi guys... I'm sorry for both of your pain and I know what you mean! My husband uses the depression thing everytime I get fed up with his drinking. However, I have noticed that this does not seem to come up, until i get fed up with the drinking. He seems fine in between the times when i am not complaining. So, that tells me, it's not a REAL issue. AND if it is, then he needs clinical help - not Bud Light's help. so, either way - I am learning to realize - it's not MY problem. I can't FIX it! The beauty of us codependents is we have bleeding hearts for everyone BUT ourselves. I don't hear them coming home to us and saying "gee, honey - it must be hell living with an alcholic. How do you do it? You must be so depressed and going insane inside. Let me help you."? Hell no! so, as hard as it is, think about YOU and what it's doing to YOU. If he is depressed, than he needs to figure out how to fix it - YOU can't. and you going down with him, isn't going to save him. I remind myself of this over and over again...because I know how the "I'm so depressed" works... it's the one thing that can keep you hanging on just when you're about to break - the feeling like you can help or fix... or if you go, it will be his demise. Not true... he is his own demise. Love to you both!
Sweet Relief
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
"If he really was in love with me then he would stop" or "If he was in love with me then he would want to be with me, make me happy and stop" .... I am still struggling with this. Or am I? Honestly - I think maybe when we think these thoughts ... we are just bored and need to find a hobby. I think of it like this and this helps ....
They are not sitting around thinking about us being inlove with them. Don't think they are -they aren't. If they were then they'd be doing whatever it takes to get better to make SURE that we are happy. This SHOULD make you angry, but just for a bit. Don't waste more than a few moments on that anger ... they don't. Why should you? Are they better than you? Uh -no. I don't think so. They are the ones going out, getting wasted and being losers. They aren't worrying about you. They aren't. They are worrying where they are going to get there next hit or their next drink. That is their lover. So, why are YOU sitting around all emotional wasting your time on them? Get up.. get out and do something for you. Mentally --kick them to the curb.
Mine calls today and leaves on the machine (i didn't answer because he made me angry earlier in the week and i was not going to react or respond) .... so he says "Hey it's ______. We need to go ________ this year ... I've never been ... let's go! let's do it baby!" Even though I did not react earlier in the week when he made me angry ... his ego leads him to believe he upset me and this is his way of messing with my mind. It tires me. The very little bit upset that this message he left made me (because I think he is doing it to play games) ... I turned into positive energy, started writing in my journal and get a ton of work that had been sitting at my desk FINISHED. Right now -I don't miss him. Like I don't AT ALL. I thought about what it would be like to kiss him, again, today and you know what? It did nothing for me. It usually does. It didn't. I can say I am happy he is in recovery and doing his thing... i am genuinely happy about that (of course). And you know what? I know he is inlove with me, but it's too late at this point. I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. Nope. This is NOT the life I want. I did a list of what attracts me to him and it is really small. I believe that these struggles us codependents go through with these people stop when we simply STOP putting all of our energy into them. Take that energy and put it into yourself. Sounds cliche, but man oh man --it works.
They are not sitting around thinking about us being inlove with them. Don't think they are -they aren't. If they were then they'd be doing whatever it takes to get better to make SURE that we are happy. This SHOULD make you angry, but just for a bit. Don't waste more than a few moments on that anger ... they don't. Why should you? Are they better than you? Uh -no. I don't think so. They are the ones going out, getting wasted and being losers. They aren't worrying about you. They aren't. They are worrying where they are going to get there next hit or their next drink. That is their lover. So, why are YOU sitting around all emotional wasting your time on them? Get up.. get out and do something for you. Mentally --kick them to the curb.
Mine calls today and leaves on the machine (i didn't answer because he made me angry earlier in the week and i was not going to react or respond) .... so he says "Hey it's ______. We need to go ________ this year ... I've never been ... let's go! let's do it baby!" Even though I did not react earlier in the week when he made me angry ... his ego leads him to believe he upset me and this is his way of messing with my mind. It tires me. The very little bit upset that this message he left made me (because I think he is doing it to play games) ... I turned into positive energy, started writing in my journal and get a ton of work that had been sitting at my desk FINISHED. Right now -I don't miss him. Like I don't AT ALL. I thought about what it would be like to kiss him, again, today and you know what? It did nothing for me. It usually does. It didn't. I can say I am happy he is in recovery and doing his thing... i am genuinely happy about that (of course). And you know what? I know he is inlove with me, but it's too late at this point. I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. Nope. This is NOT the life I want. I did a list of what attracts me to him and it is really small. I believe that these struggles us codependents go through with these people stop when we simply STOP putting all of our energy into them. Take that energy and put it into yourself. Sounds cliche, but man oh man --it works.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Leem
You have to remember his disease in not about you at all its about him. If love could stop an addict there would be very few of them if any at all . My A gets depressed because he knows he is hurting himself and his family and he cannot stop. It is sad to watch and the hard part is letting them come to terms with it on their own. Just like my A cant loose weight for me I have to do it for myself, I have to want it, I have to reach out and get help for it myself, and no matter how bad he wants to he cannot do anything and I wish like hell he could see that. You H has to be do the same to get better and be happy . Bless you and I will pray for you.
Rose
You have to remember his disease in not about you at all its about him. If love could stop an addict there would be very few of them if any at all . My A gets depressed because he knows he is hurting himself and his family and he cannot stop. It is sad to watch and the hard part is letting them come to terms with it on their own. Just like my A cant loose weight for me I have to do it for myself, I have to want it, I have to reach out and get help for it myself, and no matter how bad he wants to he cannot do anything and I wish like hell he could see that. You H has to be do the same to get better and be happy . Bless you and I will pray for you.
Rose
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Thank all of you so much for the replies. All of your comments made total sense. I know how you all feel, much the same as you have all been in my shoes at one point or another too. I wish we could just get rid of these darn shoes for good! I know I can't fix him. I know I can't change him. So why can't I get up the strength to fix me? I keep telling myself to fix me, but that doesn't seem to happen either. I keep falling into the same trap. So I can see how easily it must be for these A's to keep falling back into their same old stuff. We all need to get it together for ourselves. I know we can all dish this advice out to each other, but we really need to start taking our own advice. Like you Redrose, I would like to lose some weight....each weekend say to myself....Monday is day one of my new diet & exercise routine. Monday passes and I didn't get off my butt to start exercising. So the next weekend comes & I say the same thing again. So you know what....new plan. No more Monday........now it's tomorrow. Friday I start on the new me. The exercise & eating healthy. I know I can do it. Forget him & his dumb habits. I don't have to continue to be a part of his cycle.
Speaking of cycles though, it happened again. If you read my inital post here, you know he was wanting to come back home from the OW's place. I was very hesitant. Told him he could try but things would change or he wouldn't be welcome back. Same old stuff though. He stopped communicating with her (As much, I'm sure there were calls while I wasn't around). He was home. Did a few things with us as a family & the two of us went out by ourselves for some fun. But here it is now on Thursday nite. He went bowling, I talked to him at 9:30pm, asked if he was coming home. He told me he was planning on it. I asked him to stop by the store to bring something home since I was sick. He said sure, yeah, ok, whatever. I knew then he wasn't coming home & sure enough, he didn't come home. He's at her place! I can't believe what a complete idiot I was to even allow him to come back in the first place. Now I am sitting here miserable. So I told myself repeatedly that this would be the last chance. Now I have to stick to it in my own head. Not only is he a depressed alcoholic, but he is a dirty rotten cheating JERK! Why oh Why did I even attempt to think this time would be different!
Anyways, thanks for reading this far! I have to stick to my guns this time. I don't know what I'm exactly going to do yet, but I have to do something! Please keep me in your prayers!
Speaking of cycles though, it happened again. If you read my inital post here, you know he was wanting to come back home from the OW's place. I was very hesitant. Told him he could try but things would change or he wouldn't be welcome back. Same old stuff though. He stopped communicating with her (As much, I'm sure there were calls while I wasn't around). He was home. Did a few things with us as a family & the two of us went out by ourselves for some fun. But here it is now on Thursday nite. He went bowling, I talked to him at 9:30pm, asked if he was coming home. He told me he was planning on it. I asked him to stop by the store to bring something home since I was sick. He said sure, yeah, ok, whatever. I knew then he wasn't coming home & sure enough, he didn't come home. He's at her place! I can't believe what a complete idiot I was to even allow him to come back in the first place. Now I am sitting here miserable. So I told myself repeatedly that this would be the last chance. Now I have to stick to it in my own head. Not only is he a depressed alcoholic, but he is a dirty rotten cheating JERK! Why oh Why did I even attempt to think this time would be different!
Anyways, thanks for reading this far! I have to stick to my guns this time. I don't know what I'm exactly going to do yet, but I have to do something! Please keep me in your prayers!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Leem-
Don't let him do that to you girl! You never know what he is bringing home to you after sleeping with her. NO ONE is worth that. YOU, however, deserve to be treated like the wonderful loving woman that you are.
My AH left 2 months ago- I asked him to leave, hoping we could get healthy and work all of this out....last week he filed the divorce papers and in 90 days we will be divorced. He is with his Ex-girlfriend (they were together 12 years ago!) And he had totally bailed on me and the kids. I have found that I can be strong and smart as long as I don't enter into the old habit of trying to understand why he treats me like he does, and why he doesn't love me. That is so unhealthy for me so I FINALLY told him yesterday that I don't want any daily contact with him because I hate the way I start acting when he is on the phone or physically around me---I go back to the "old" me the co-dependant me. I am not being true to myself if I ever think it will be okay to go back to him. HE has moved on and so will I.
Don't take him back again and try to take it day to day and keep your distance ...I know it is hard, but YOU are sooooooo worth it! You would be surprised at what wouldn't be there for you if he quit being so unhealthy. You probably still would have a cheating, lying jerk on your hands without the alcohol. I know the alcohol brings out the worst, but they aren't drunk all the time and we deserve a loving sober partner! Hang in there- I wish I could hug you!!! It will get better, but only if you stop going in circles and say "ENOUGH!!!" and REALLY mean it!
Hugs-
Di
Don't let him do that to you girl! You never know what he is bringing home to you after sleeping with her. NO ONE is worth that. YOU, however, deserve to be treated like the wonderful loving woman that you are.
My AH left 2 months ago- I asked him to leave, hoping we could get healthy and work all of this out....last week he filed the divorce papers and in 90 days we will be divorced. He is with his Ex-girlfriend (they were together 12 years ago!) And he had totally bailed on me and the kids. I have found that I can be strong and smart as long as I don't enter into the old habit of trying to understand why he treats me like he does, and why he doesn't love me. That is so unhealthy for me so I FINALLY told him yesterday that I don't want any daily contact with him because I hate the way I start acting when he is on the phone or physically around me---I go back to the "old" me the co-dependant me. I am not being true to myself if I ever think it will be okay to go back to him. HE has moved on and so will I.
Don't take him back again and try to take it day to day and keep your distance ...I know it is hard, but YOU are sooooooo worth it! You would be surprised at what wouldn't be there for you if he quit being so unhealthy. You probably still would have a cheating, lying jerk on your hands without the alcohol. I know the alcohol brings out the worst, but they aren't drunk all the time and we deserve a loving sober partner! Hang in there- I wish I could hug you!!! It will get better, but only if you stop going in circles and say "ENOUGH!!!" and REALLY mean it!
Hugs-
Di
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 56
Leem...I can totallly relate..from longlivediva..
Leem...please LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. The only way you can love anyone else is by loving you you you you First. I was married to a heroin addict and alcoholic for six years...and they were six miserable years now that i sit and reflect it. it has been my experience that had i known back then what i know now i WOULD HAVE WALKED OUT SOONER. Only you know when to leave and when you've had enough..keep coming back ...we support your every decision...BUT REMEMBER LOVE YOU FIRST.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Leem -
I agree with Yreva. My AH of 25 years left our two kids and I for his best friends wife. I do OK until I know he is going to call or coming by to see the kids. Then I fall a part, start to have panic attacks, etc. I am working on moving on with my life and know that it is a very hard thing to do. I am rooting for both of us and all the others who are going through the same thing. WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. Now we just have to believe in ourselves.
Hugs
Kat
I agree with Yreva. My AH of 25 years left our two kids and I for his best friends wife. I do OK until I know he is going to call or coming by to see the kids. Then I fall a part, start to have panic attacks, etc. I am working on moving on with my life and know that it is a very hard thing to do. I am rooting for both of us and all the others who are going through the same thing. WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. Now we just have to believe in ourselves.
Hugs
Kat
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi guys...Leem03 - the phrase that has helped me alot over these past few weeks of discovery are the words of Dr. Phil and the "so hows that working for you?" I posted this on a different post, but I have almost literally gotten to the point that whatever my brilliant mind is telling me to do - I don't do it. I get on here and read and get back into a healthy perspective. It amazes me how often my perspective has changed - literally from one day to the next. so, I don't act on anything yet. I am sorry for your pain and hurt - you don't deserve it. Don't beat yourself up for giving him another try - you did the wrong thing for the right reason. Don't think how stupid you were to think he'd change, etc... just think "okay, so how'd that work for me?"...it didn't. Maybe that can help you next time you start thinking THIS time might be different. Just a thought... Hang in there - we're all going through this together 
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