Back to step one
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello MikeM,
Step 1 is actually a great place to be. It is the 1st Step of 12 Steps that are the path to a wonderful life.
I drank for 40 years, and did a lot of drugs. I then struggled to get clean and sober for a few years, experiencing that Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization repeatedly. All that changed when I actually worked the 12 Steps, and continued to do the work, even in the midst of ongoing struggling with my drinking. It took me doing the work with the same insistence I had always persisted with to get my alcohol or drugs.
RDBplus3 ... now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Step 1 is actually a great place to be. It is the 1st Step of 12 Steps that are the path to a wonderful life.
I drank for 40 years, and did a lot of drugs. I then struggled to get clean and sober for a few years, experiencing that Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization repeatedly. All that changed when I actually worked the 12 Steps, and continued to do the work, even in the midst of ongoing struggling with my drinking. It took me doing the work with the same insistence I had always persisted with to get my alcohol or drugs.
RDBplus3 ... now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
I have a doctor's appointment in a few hours. I'm going in "blank". They know my situation, the problem to staying sober is me. So I'm going to be passive and let them do their work without me interfering for once.
I now see that my previous suggestions and attempts to help the process along were actually carefully laid out routes to alcohol. And they bought it. Too many talks with too many counselors... You talk circles around them.
Not here though. Try to fool Dee.
And many others but Dee is a walking, talking, typing BS detector. At least that is one of his many skills when it comes to helping people with alcoholism. If he drops those few lines in your thread, read them and read them again. Contemplate them. The man has much wisdom and a lot of my respect.
And I think alcohol is actually afraid of him.
Anyway, I wonder what the doctor will come with. I'll let you know.
I now see that my previous suggestions and attempts to help the process along were actually carefully laid out routes to alcohol. And they bought it. Too many talks with too many counselors... You talk circles around them.
Not here though. Try to fool Dee.
And many others but Dee is a walking, talking, typing BS detector. At least that is one of his many skills when it comes to helping people with alcoholism. If he drops those few lines in your thread, read them and read them again. Contemplate them. The man has much wisdom and a lot of my respect.And I think alcohol is actually afraid of him.
Anyway, I wonder what the doctor will come with. I'll let you know.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Best wishes for today Mike.
I was a champion BSer. Takes one to know one, mebbe?
Don't be afraid to be open and honest today, and going forward- it's in your best interests to get as much help and support as you need.
D
I was a champion BSer. Takes one to know one, mebbe?
Don't be afraid to be open and honest today, and going forward- it's in your best interests to get as much help and support as you need.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Ok, that was a long and difficult conversation with my doctor.
Very recently I had a realization. I was in a pm interaction with one of our kind members and I realized the following.
I've had some very traumatic experiences. And back then, the following was true:
Had traumatic experience -> Started to like beer to get away from it a bit.
Well, I found out that I still have the trauma. And the drinking is associated to it.
So I had to explain the trauma to my doctor. That was hard.
So I have a prescription for citalopram and will get treatment for the trauma. The only problem is, how do I prevent myself from drinking in the meantime? I've already found that not having control over my money doesn't help. I end up panhandling.
Also, I don't think not having control over my money is a good way to go. In hindsight it never taught me to deal with my addiction in a normal situation.
So I asked her how to handle that. Well, she told me to try it myself first and come back if I can't. There's a drug that makes you feel very sick from even very small amounts of alcohol. Basically you go straight to the hangover, as far as I understand it.
But hopefully if the antidepressants start to help, I can resist drinking.
So it will take a little bit of time before everything is in place. But it's a solid plan that addresses the underlying trauma.
Very recently I had a realization. I was in a pm interaction with one of our kind members and I realized the following.
I've had some very traumatic experiences. And back then, the following was true:
Had traumatic experience -> Started to like beer to get away from it a bit.
Well, I found out that I still have the trauma. And the drinking is associated to it.
So I had to explain the trauma to my doctor. That was hard.
So I have a prescription for citalopram and will get treatment for the trauma. The only problem is, how do I prevent myself from drinking in the meantime? I've already found that not having control over my money doesn't help. I end up panhandling.
Also, I don't think not having control over my money is a good way to go. In hindsight it never taught me to deal with my addiction in a normal situation.
So I asked her how to handle that. Well, she told me to try it myself first and come back if I can't. There's a drug that makes you feel very sick from even very small amounts of alcohol. Basically you go straight to the hangover, as far as I understand it.
But hopefully if the antidepressants start to help, I can resist drinking.
So it will take a little bit of time before everything is in place. But it's a solid plan that addresses the underlying trauma.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by MikeM 
So I asked her how to handle that. Well, she told me to try it myself first and come back if I can't.
Bottom line, your still playing games Mike. Until you get serious nothing is going to change.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Mike, I know that you do not have to work for financial reasons, but maybe you would benefit from some structure? Whether it be a job or volunteer opportunities, something to do may keep you from temptation. Heck, if you have resources and ambition, start your own organization or company doing something.
My scenario is a little different, but I'm starting to get antsy, I've sat now for 4+ months and I don't think I can sit for 4 more so I have been trying to line up work. If I wanted to take on a **itload of debt again I could start another company but not going to do it. Anyway, its just a thought.
My scenario is a little different, but I'm starting to get antsy, I've sat now for 4+ months and I don't think I can sit for 4 more so I have been trying to line up work. If I wanted to take on a **itload of debt again I could start another company but not going to do it. Anyway, its just a thought.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
And did you tell her how well you've handled that when you've tried it on your own? Did you tell her how many times you ran away from the psych ward and panhandled to get money to drink? Did you tell her you locked yourself in your apartment and proceeded to drink several six packs while taking seroquel over the weekend?
Bottom line, your still playing games Mike. Until you get serious nothing is going to change.
Bottom line, your still playing games Mike. Until you get serious nothing is going to change.
Once I get to the point of not being able to drink anymore, I get petrified. I fear that my trauma will come up and mess me up. That part is not me playing games, it's the truth.
That's why I always keep an option open.
My previous 70 days sober were the best 70 days I've had in a long time. But on the inside, turmoil was brewing. I started to have flashbacks. That reached a point where I should have sought help but drank instead.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by thomas11
Mike, I know that you do not have to work for financial reasons, but maybe you would benefit from some structure? Whether it be a job or volunteer opportunities, something to do may keep you from temptation. Heck, if you have resources and ambition, start your own organization or company doing something.
My scenario is a little different, but I'm starting to get antsy, I've sat now for 4+ months and I don't think I can sit for 4 more so I have been trying to line up work. If I wanted to take on a **itload of debt again I could start another company but not going to do it. Anyway, its just a thought.
My scenario is a little different, but I'm starting to get antsy, I've sat now for 4+ months and I don't think I can sit for 4 more so I have been trying to line up work. If I wanted to take on a **itload of debt again I could start another company but not going to do it. Anyway, its just a thought.
I can't handle structure and obligations. They shut me down. Something I need to work on in therapy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Ok, I don't want to use the forum as a distraction anymore. In an unhelpful way that is. It lead nowhere before and it would again.
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm only going to post about progress or requests for help when I get stuck making progress. And once I get very far into sobriety and this is all over, I might help others. At the moment I am in no position to do so.
So I will post again with useful posts. I don't know when, but I need to change my attitude.
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm only going to post about progress or requests for help when I get stuck making progress. And once I get very far into sobriety and this is all over, I might help others. At the moment I am in no position to do so.
So I will post again with useful posts. I don't know when, but I need to change my attitude.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Mike
Did she diagnose you with PTSD? Did you tell her you had a really bad reaction to the Seroquel? I mean if you actually did....it was hard to tell what was really going on at the time.
Reason I say this is PTSD often does not respond well to antidepressants. I would think the safest thing to do would be to check yourself in to a rehab that handles dual diagnosis. They can then start you on meds and see how you respond. Although you probably won't do this.....
And drinking renders most anti depressants ineffective....
The drug you are describing that makes you sick when you drink is antibuse, I think. And its not a hangover....its extreme allergic reaction and it is terrible. You can't start taking something like that until you have detoxed and had at least a couple weeks sober.
Did she diagnose you with PTSD? Did you tell her you had a really bad reaction to the Seroquel? I mean if you actually did....it was hard to tell what was really going on at the time.
Reason I say this is PTSD often does not respond well to antidepressants. I would think the safest thing to do would be to check yourself in to a rehab that handles dual diagnosis. They can then start you on meds and see how you respond. Although you probably won't do this.....
And drinking renders most anti depressants ineffective....
The drug you are describing that makes you sick when you drink is antibuse, I think. And its not a hangover....its extreme allergic reaction and it is terrible. You can't start taking something like that until you have detoxed and had at least a couple weeks sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Rehab.
Mike I am still seeing you put "conditions" on your sobriety. Saying you can't "handle" structure, not telling your therapist everything etc. We play games with ourselves and everyone around us. Loopholes and half truths leave us open to drinking. Commit to sobriety 100%. That is the only way it can be done.
Your family has money. Go to rehab. Thousands would kill for a chance to spend a few months in rehab. You CAN do it! So do it!
Saying things like "I can get sober if A, B and C are in place" never works. You just gotta do it.
I hope you will.
Mike I am still seeing you put "conditions" on your sobriety. Saying you can't "handle" structure, not telling your therapist everything etc. We play games with ourselves and everyone around us. Loopholes and half truths leave us open to drinking. Commit to sobriety 100%. That is the only way it can be done.
Your family has money. Go to rehab. Thousands would kill for a chance to spend a few months in rehab. You CAN do it! So do it!
Saying things like "I can get sober if A, B and C are in place" never works. You just gotta do it.
I hope you will.
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