Nero427

Anybody ever felt guilty for how their life is going vs how the ex's is with addiction and it's consequences?

Cliff notes....I left my AW, a month later she was drunk, fell, and broke her neck and is now partially paralyzed, can't do anything for herself.

I know in my heart the 3 C's. So I'm not responsible. But the situation is so utterly tragic I'm having trouble coming to terms with all this.

honeypig

You know, Nero, it seems like there are 2 ways it can go, and neither one is w/o its downfall:

1) The way things are happening for you, where the A crashes and burns and you're left trying to deal w/guilt b/c he/she is having such problems...

2) The A continues on his/her merry way, seemingly w/no consequences, and you feel anger b/c they're NOT having problems and dammit, they deserve some!

I can't say I have any experience to directly answer your question, but I'm sure others will.

healthyagain

I can only tell you that this feeling of guilt will fade away with time. They are literally dancing with the devil himself, until a tragedy happens.

My ex for example ended up in the ER again last week. His boss called me to tell me that ex wanted me to get the car, which was left on a parking lot where he works. That is how I found out. That is third time this year in the ER. The second time they kept him for a few days and he had DT. What does he do when they let him out? Goes straight to the liquor store, then a month later, ER again.

Some people really have to smack the rock bottom hard. It is nobody's fault but their own. The defiance I saw in my ex is going to cost him life. But you know, dying is not easy and some forms of dying are messier than others. This is something my ex cannot understand.

I am really really sorry that your wife is partially paralyzed, but there is a saying "God only takes care of those who take care of themselves."

bluebird418

Every. Day. It is painful. Sending you love and hugs.

Nero427

AdelineRose

What I have learned through countless counseling sessions is that everyone is responsible for his or her own actions. To work on my codependency I have learned to pause a minute and say to myself is this a situation the person can/should be handling themselves and what is my motive for getting involved?

Of course it is horrible what happened to your wife and I am sorry for everything she is going through. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but SHE made HER choices about how SHE wanted to live HER life and these are HER consequences. ( I capitalized it to show how I make myself break down situations so I don't get over involved).

I love the quote above "God only helps those whom help themselves" I am going to start definitely remembering and sharing that bit of wisdom.

There is nothing wrong with taking care of YOU. You deserve to have a happy life without the chaos and drama that comes with addiction. Will you feel guilty sometimes, of course you are human but don't forget she made her decision, she knew she was playing with the devil, and things happen.

I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring, it just gets easy to forget that there is TONS of help out there and they CHOOSE not to reach out and get it so we have to come to terms with their decision, no matter what the consequences.

Chelle73

So incredibly true!

Hawkeye13

You aren't the one who kept drinking before and after you left--she was

It is good to be compassionate, but Nero you made the consequences quite clear
before any of this happened, and though of course you care about her suffering,
none of it is your doing and perhaps through it she can grow and find recovery.

All her choice.
It is so hard--I kept rescuing my mother from the consequences of her drinking for years
so she could stay independent in her home but it was destroying my physically,
mentally, and emotionally and nearly wrecked my marriage.
The stress was also a huge trigger for my moving from alcohol abuse to full-blown addiction.

When I finally told her if she drank and smoked herself back into hospital / nursing home again,
I was done and she would be staying there or finding someone else to manage her, she couldn't believe I would "abandon" her
and boy I got the guilt treatment.

If I hadn't stepped back, I know I would be dead now.
The addict is willing to spend your life to support their addiction.
This was a cold, hard fact I had to accept--
You have an obligation to yourself first, just as your wife does.
Neither can fulfill that for the other.

Enjoy your new life--be kind to your STBXW but keep moving on.

Eauchiche

Dear Nero
I have known of people who escaped submerged cars and burning buildings, but could not save family members who perished. There is always guilt they carry over this.

Thank God you escaped the "burning building" of addiction! Your ex still could, even with her injuries, but she MUST choose to!

redatlanta

I think what you are feeling is very normal, but it shouldn't contain guilt. Sadness, yes. Guilt? No. Its sad when someone chooses to do something that leaves them in a situation that can't be changed.

Most of the time we have multiple opportunities to change. She did too, she chose no to, and paid a very high price. Lucky for you you got out before something happened to YOU. Amen.

As a side note recovery from this type of injury takes a long time. I am hopeful that she will recover perhaps better than what it may appear. Someone I don't know well severed spinal cord in a drunk driving accident. He eventually recovered use of his arms though initially was quadriplegic. He eventually recovered feeling in his legs though he was not able to walk again. I pray that she will work hard, stay sober, and that further down the road life has a different view than today.

dandylion

Nero427......it might help you to remember that she could have fallen in your livingroom, while you were still living together.......

Nero....every day, there are alcoholics who injure themselves (tragically) and destruct in a myriad of other ways...right in front of their married and co-habituating spouses.....
I remember, so clearly, one of our members, here---her husband wiped out on his motorcycle, while intoxicated, and suffered a bad brain injury.....It was so tragic....yet, they were living together at the time.... She could not have prevented that wreck....

Try to overcome this feeling of guilt.....because, it will not help either one of you, no matter how much you "punish" yourself......
I do think that you will process through this and that it will become easier over time......

All things are n ot in our control......the laws of the Universe are at work, here....!

dandylion

FireSprite

I can't say that I have this kind of direct experience, but it seems simple enough to think that guilt of some sort would be a natural emotion/reaction at times, especially early on. Especially with these kinds of dramatic circumstances.

Lets play devil's advocate for a moment: Would you feel as guilty if, instead of having a self-induced injury, she drove drunk, killed a family & ended up in jail for the rest of her life? Would that make it easier to see it as a CHOICE she made or, in reality, the result of many choices made over a long, long time? Either way it has nothing to do with you or your actions, right?

I think recognizing it, not acting as a result of it (FOG), acknowledging it without dwelling on it - is all key to working THROUGH it like any other emotion, and that in time it would lessen & become less intense.

SHOULD you feel guilty? No. Does that stop you from feeling it anyway? Nope.

Refiner

Nero, you are such a compassionate person. Is your guilt stemming from the thought that you have abandoned her in her "time of need" since she's now wheelchair bound? Boy, this quote from another really jumped out as being for you and your situation: The addict is willing to spend your life to support their addiction. And you need for that to sink in a bit.

Nero427

Thanks everybody.

I found out she was served the divorce summons Saturday so that's what put me in this frame of mind. I didn't even put two and two together until now. I thought I would be happy about that finally happening but no...

I read all the replies this morning and took a long walk around the neighborhood to reflect on them. Having thought about it, it's more a profound sadness than outright guilt. And I guess I'm mourning the future we could have had, if she had stayed the course. 17 years is a long time and it ended in utter failure. I hate that. No fault of my own, but it doesn't lessen my sense of loss.

Sotiredofitall

Nero, I don't think any of us think you failed. She failed herself. Hugs. Its okay to grieve. Feel what you feel. Work through it and KNOW you did all you could. She didn't want it.

redatlanta

Dreams die a hard death, perhaps the hardest.

There will come a time when the sadness will pass, and you will move on to what fulfills you in life (you already are). What's saddest is people that stay in situations like this their whole lives. Now, that's a waste of a life, and it happens a lot.

hopeful4

Divorce definitely comes with grieving. Let it happen, go through the stages and eventually you will have peace. I'm sorry Nero, and I am really glad you are coming here for support.

Many hugs!

Liveitwell

Just sending you hugs, friend. It is SOO incredibly hard. I felt guilty for a long time too. Hearing stories about my ex and his drunkeness all around town was not easy to hear. It was heartbreaking, but I had to let it go. I did all I could, and be didn't want any help-he thinks he's above needing help or a savior (and I don't mean a person to save him, speaking of JC himself!)

I've come to learn that I am a very compassionate person, and I in no way failed him. He failed himself and our marriage and our kids. Period. God only helps those that help themselves-great words above and oh so true. Your "guilt" will fade as you realize all of this is HER consequences to HER choices-but you already know that. It is extremely sad to watch someone's life either away bc he/she stays stuck in a situation without knowing the key is inside himself/herself all along!

Many wishes of peace to you today.

tomsteve

imsure hope none of the women (or anyone that was close to me)i was in relationships with ever felt survivors guilt. it was me that bent my elbow. it was me doing the actions.
i ran into survivors guilt a while after being diagnosed with cancer. going through chemo and admitted in the hospital during the course of it, i had a roommate-pete- that had the same cancer, same oncologist, and same treatment. we were barf buddies!!!LOLOLLL we got somewhat close and helped each other through it.
anyways, about 2 months later i ran into pete during a followup visit with my oncologist.he looked horrible and had lost the will to fight. i did my best to encourage him, but theres only so much a person can say to help encourage.
about a month later, his wife called to say pete passed away. i was crushed. there was an awesome man who was an excellent father,husband, and son. worked very hard to provide for his family so they could have a nice life.
and there i was- a drunk for many years(i was sober about 2 years when this all occured) having created chaos,drama, and misery in many lives. destroyed a lot of great oppertunities for myself. yeah, i was sober a bit and wasnt that man any more, but it reeeeaallllly buggered me up.
just learning what i was experiencing was survivors guilt and not something just for survivors of accidents was helpful.
and then learning how to accept it, grieve, and go through it.
sitting here now typing this i feel tinges of grief. but,ya know,thats allright. it shows im a human being and care for people.
sometimes i think these feelings suck. but if i didnt have these feelings, i dont think id be able to appreciate peace,joy, and happiness as much.

oh, and dats my dog, PETE, in my avatar!

minime13

Guilt kept me in a relationship much longer than I would have stayed. Not the same type of guilt that you're describing, but from the same place. If I leave, x will happen.

I had a brother, who battled depression, pass away due to suicide many years ago. There is a lot of survivor's guilt I went through, my parents went through, and sisters went through. The last night he was alive, he wanted to borrow my car to head to a party. My car was being kept where he lived, at my mother's, as I was on a backbacking trip. The answer was no, as he'd recently crashed his car.

He ended up at a neighbor's for a while, and a girl he liked showed up. She was flaunting a new relationship and it crushed him. Whatever he was going through, that was the last straw for him, and he left to go take his life.

I can't tell you, in the early months and even years after his death, how many times I felt guilty - even partially responsible - for his death. If I had lent him my car, he wouldn't have hit that low point. Realistically, though, if he had that on his mind, it could have taken any setback, because overall he felt his cross was too heavy to bear.

He had been in and out of counseling, and self medicated with drugs and alcohol. With severe depression, though, you can only do so much to help someone, and you can't punish yourself - in hindsight - for what else you could have done.

It's not unusual to feel that need to take responsibility, especially in a relationship where you'd likely had to bear most of the responsibility for your own actions as well as the actions of another. But, their actions are theirs, and it's not your fault. It's not something that you caused, and if not that it would have been something else that occurred if you had stayed. Untreated Alcoholics don't get better - they get worse, 100% of the time.