Poppet35

So one of my issues with her drinking is that I work my life around her. Currently she's away working and I'm living my life. But when's she's back I don't know to stop living around her drinking. Is this a daft question? I don't want to be rude or inconsiderate but I want to make changes. I want to be able to get up and get on without her feeling I don't love her because I simply got up or sat reading in bed. Sounds mad but this happens. I'm an early night - early riser type.

Thomas45

Maybe a seemingly silly answer, but either you stop living around her drinking or you don't. If your partner is anything like what my ex wife was like (and your descriptions sound spot on), then it sounds like she might not be capable of understanding or respecting your boundaries and giving you the freedom to be your own person, with your own interests and timetables. This is very common among alcoholics.

Is she the kind of person that wants you to be attached to the hip to her at all times, and raises hell when that doesn't happen? If so, you're simply going to have to make a hard choice because both choices have unique repercussions. If you stop living your life around her and she doesn't like that, there's nothing you can do to make her be okay with it. She will feel whatever emotions that she feels about it, and you can't force her to un-feel it. On the other hand, the other choice is to continue living your life around her, to your own misery and detriment.

So really, it all comes down to what you consider more important: your own serenity and emotional well-being, or the status quo of walking on eggshells all day long trying to placate her.

AnvilheadII

I want to be able to get up and get on without her feeling.......

you are not in charge of how SHE feels......SHE is. its time to STOP trying to manage HER feelings (and her actions). you have the right to get on with YOUR life.....

now granted, there are still common courtesies......for example, sometimes i wake up way too early, like 3am.....but i do not get up and start moving around, out of respect for the other sleeping human. but if he has the day off and i have to get to work, i DO get up at "normal" time and get my day underway.....i just don't do dishes or vacuum! lol

if she uses you going to bed or getting up as a springboard to try and guilt you, well that is HER problem. she isn't the center of the damn universe.

honeypig

Hi, Poppet--glad to see you're sticking around. It's a big step, isn't it, to figure out that "I'm taking care of myself" DOES NOT mean "I don't care about you"?

I well remember when XAH and I first got together, we definitely did that "attached at the hip" thing. While it seemed a great idea at the time, in the end it left us both in a tiny little cramped world w/very little friendship or support. I'm glad you're starting to see that you need to not "live your life around her."

There is some worthwhile reading up in the "stickies" section of this forum. If you go there and look for threads referencing boundaries or detachment, I think you'll find some help w/this. Here are a couple of threads from the "Classic Reading" section of the stickies to get you started:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Poppet35

Whilst she's been away I've been mending myself but feel like I'm distancing myself too. Our relationship is teetering on the brink and I can't help feeling that by standing back and not responding in my usual way, fawning, begging, apologising, trying to take responsibility for everything I am sealing the fate of our relationship. She's barely communicating with me and when she does, tells me that things are irreparable. It's making me feel like it's my fault this is happening but I don't know what I can do differently. I can't keep living like groundhog day, over and over and over, the same. I've been thinking about all the issues that bug me and written them down. So many. Whilst out with my dog I tried to think of good things and I got nothing - not even our holidays together or as a family are clear of resentments. Maybe I'm in a negative mindset about her, I know I'm not an innocent party. It feels so alien not constantly thinking about the relationship, it feels a relief but at the same time I feel guilty because I know she's hurting and thinks I no longer care. This is hard. Sorry, it's been a long, albeit good day, and I'm a little anxious and worried I'm making an irreversible mistake.

SparkleKitty

The relationship dynamic you had was not a healthy one, and of course she does not like not having you manage her feelings anymore. Try to take this one day at a time, if you can, and resist future tripping. As long as you take care of yourself, no matter the outcome of your current situation, you will be ok.

maia1234

P,
So glad you stuck around. What is happening is you are getting smarter and she is losing the control she had over you. You are not engaging and running back like you always have. You are slowly taking control back, of you!!

Setting up boundaries for yourself is part of the you getting healthy. These boundaries are for you and don't need to be discussed with her. I will not engage with her when she is drinking, I will leave the room, the house or town, if you have too. I will not let her drive drunk, I will no longer buy alcohol. What ever you want with these boundaries it is for your sanity, it has nothing to do with "hurting or offending" her. If she pushes, tell her that you are working on yourself and trying to become healthy, you need time for that. Move slow, take your time, breath and things will calm down.

Hugs my friend, you are moving in the right direction, take care of your side of the street, only!!

Thomas45

It takes the contributions of *two* people to make a healthy relationship. If you are contributing 100% of the responsibility and 100% of the onus on making things work, they just plain won't work. As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." There is only so much that one person can do before you venture into the realm of desperation, and no matter what you do you do not have control over her feelings and desires. What is she doing to accept responsibility for her actions and her contribution to the breakdown of the relationship? What is she doing to understand the impact that her drinking has had on her family and relationship?

She's telling you that things are irreparable. All you can do in this case is respect her right to make her own decisions regarding her life, and give her the freedom to be her own person. It's not your job to convince her that she's wrong, or that her opinions are invalid. It's not your job to accept 100% of the blame for her negative reaction that came about due to you enforcing a legitimate boundary. It's your job to get you healthy and happy.

bluelily

I discovered with my XABf that whenever I was feeling something that didn´t logically make sense to me, I was being manipulated. My guess is she benefits greatly from your feeling like this, because it allows her to keep the dynamics you were used to, in which you took responsibility for everything and she for nothing. Now that you´re trying to stand up for yourself it´s obvious that she won´t like that and will do anything to get you back in your old role. It seems like she´s using guilt to make you behave in a certain way.

You say you don´t know what you can do differently - then you shouldnt! You´re not doing anything wrong, taking care of yourself is a good thing and she should respect that.
It seems to be common for As to fight any change in their enablers, or to just move on to another one when the enabler decides to change his role.
For me it was very sad to realize the relationship with Xabf wasn´t about me at all, but about what I could do to facilitate his drinking and denial.

redatlanta

It sounds like you are hoping for a smooth break up, one where you both shake hands and walk away. It also sounds like it is important to you that she recognize that you have been a good guy, and supportive partner.

I feel guilty because I know she's hurting and thinks I no longer care. Break ups HURT. You could spend years trying to change her thinking, and she is going to think what she is going to think. If she thinks you are a bad guy then why would you stay in that situation anyway? Why would she stay if you are? Most of the time all that's about is deflection from alcoholism. If its not your fault then it may be that her drinking is an issue. If its ALL your fault then the drinking has nothing to do with it. This is so common it should be #1 in the handbook.

. I want to be able to get up and get on without her feeling I don't love her because I simply got up or sat reading in bed. Sounds mad but this happens.

Sounds exhausting to me. God forbid you go to the bathroom that must mean you are seeing someone else.

HoldOnLoosely

This is so true. I didn't believe it myself until I lived it. The deflection, rationalization and projection can be mind-boggling sometimes and twist you inside out and upside down. Add to that, the downward spiral of circular conversations that go nowhere, and you can start to question your sanity, the facts and who has a firmer grasp of reality.

I read your other thread a week ago. I got the sense there was guilt, deflection and blame shifting coming your way. Take a deep breath, Poppit. Continue to stand firm, set your boundaries, step back and wait and see what unfolds. In the meantime, take care of yourself and try not to engage in conversations that lead to no man's land. I know it's difficult. Been there, done that.

I look back, and I wish I had taken a deep breath, went with the flow in the face of uncertainty and stayed in calm waters. I didn't. I got tangled up, JADEed (justified, argued, defended and explained myself), joined in the downward spiral of circular conversations and found myself on the emotional roller coaster ride. But, sometimes, we have to live it to truly understand it...and then we come here and try to save others from what we allowed ourselves to go through.

dandylion

poppet.....I am glad that HoldOnLoosely brought up the concept of JADE..(justify, argue, defend, explain)......

When she is deflecting and projecting ----in other words, when she is "blaming" you for her alcoholism in order to take the "heat" off of herself..... simply detach....detach...detach.....Do not JADE.

The alcoholic will have very sensitive antennae for any change in behavior....and the detachment. In fact, they will, often, intensify their efforts...before they finally change direction...
That is o.k.....because detaching is for YOU....not for her. It is to buy you some space and time....some respite from the clash of battle.....

3 C's---You did not Cause her alcoholism/You cannot Control it/ and, you cannot Fix it......
This is what you have to know. Just because she doesn't know it does not change it as a fundamental fact. It is just important that you do know....

As the other posters have pointed out.....when you change any of your behaviors...you disrupt the dynamic of the relationship....a relationship that has allowed her to continue drinking without consequence...and for you to be beaten down....
So, of course.....
she is going to be threatened
she is going to be angry
she is going to try to manipulate you back to your former enabling
she is going to redouble her efforts to control YOUR behavior
she is going to tread on every boundary that you erect

These things you can expect. You will not be able to reclaim yourself in a peaceful and seamless maneauver.

In the end...if you do not reclaim yourself....all is lost, anyway....
The only path to your sanity is forward.....

I know it is not easy, my friend.....just believe in yourself one day at a time.

dandylion

hopeful4

As she sees you doing things for yourself and not living your life around her, you can expect she won't like it. It's interesting you say you cannot live like it's groundhog day. I usto say that exact same thing. And would catch myself doing that just to keep my relationship going. All the while being miserable.

Slowly, I started doing things for me. Started counseling with a counselor who is familiar with addiction and the family dynamic from it. I stopped covering up for him. I started engaging with people and doing things I enjoy. I went on trips I was invited on. I lived my life.

He HATED it. He saw it as a betrayal, and still does, even though he is remarried. We have to communicate b/c we share children. He still blames me. It took a lot of counseling and support to realize I deserve a life, a happy one. So when I was making decisions about what to do next, even small things, I had to ask myself if I was doing this for me or for him. And was I changing what I was doing b/c I was scared how he would react.

My relationship did end, for many reasons. However, I have changed. I am a much happier and peaceful person. Not without issues still, but at least I am aware of those issues, and can face them head on to make a change. For me.

You deserve happiness and peacefulness, and the path you choose should be the path that leads you there.

Many hugs. I know it's hard.